The "you owe your parents, it's a privilege to care for your parents", commentators!

unless your a forum moderator it isnt up to you to decide whats appropriate or not.
you seem to defend freedom of expression and censorship at the same time.
( vipers, insensitive , ignorant dogooders? ) thats the kind of venom i could do without..

I don't agree, Debralee. I personally feel that responsibilities are for parents to their children in each generation, and that care for parents is done out of love and not responsibility. There is no obligation.

I realize that others feel differently than I do. And I realize others are more religious than I am. In my life, I have often found myself to be wrong, so I don't feel that I have the right to silence what other people feel. I do wish, however, that opinions would be expressed without the bullying that I frequently see. To tell someone they ought to take care of a parent because they are obligated is bullying, especially when the person is vulnerable.

There is something else that I want to add. Many of us come from dysfunctional families. We have to be careful not to let our personal wounds cause us to abuse other people. I have seen quite a few threads now go down the wounded child route, even when it isn't even relevant.

I learned very much when I was in an Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families when I was in my 30s. There were women there who were twice my age and older, still stuck trying to deal with what happened to them when they were children. The most important thing I learned in the group is that I did not want to be these women. After we leave home we become responsible for nurturing ourselves and healing old wounds. Some people like myself stumble through it. I personally used to have some gratification in feeling angry and wronged. That sounds perverted, but it is true for me.

I was listening to Joel Osteen the other evening. He is considered a religious outcast by many, but he's actually a good motivational speaker who often hits a problem I have right on the head. I had been feeling angry because of some old childhood wounds that had been reopened. His advice was just to "get over it." I think it is the best advice any adult child from a dysfunctional family can hear. Anytime those wounds start hurting, we can't change the past. But we can take charge of ourselves and get over it. We can't let old wounds keep hurting our futures. That gives a lot of power to old abusers. So I am just going to tell myself to "get over it" anytime those wounds resurface.

We all come from different places - we all have different pasts, cultures, faiths, parents.

I have always been a person with a lot of 'empathy' - not sure why. I cry over other peoples sadness, illnesses, losses - you name it. I am a softie. BUT, I have also learned the hard way that we softies can be taken advantage of and we can be mistreated and we can be hurt and we have to rise above this and still do what needs to be done. And, yes, sometimes out of 'duty.'

But we do what we can do for as long as we can if if that day comes when we can't do it anymore - then let it go. It took me a long time to realize that I have done more for my MIL than any other person on this earth - including her children. Why? I wanted to. I cared for her and thought she cared for me. Things have changed with our relationship now - but I still 'care' for her - it is in my DNA to care, I guess. I just care for her now in a different way - in a way that protects ME and MY health and MY emotions and preserves MY LIFE.

We all should strive to 'understand' that NOT ALL SITUATIONS ARE CREATED EQUAL - and some of the folks on this forum have got it pretty darned rough at times. Some are caring for parents who don't care at all back - either on purpose or due to ALZ, etc. This isn't easy to do. Many never get a break - EVER. They barely have a life. Been there, done that during her multiple surgeries and recuperation's and therapies.

Who knows, maybe the 'do gooders' are just beginning their caregiving journey. The trip gets tougher as time goes one. They may be back here 'venting' some day. Give them as much space as we would have them give us.

Personally, I ignore posts that don't help a lot and figure they are coming from a different place in their journey.

So, PEACE TO ALL YOU CAREGIVERS OUT THERE - it isn't always easy and continue to feel free to vent here. I am soooooo grateful for finding this site. I come and go - depending on how things are going here and am grateful to feel welcome here. Blessings to you all - and I don't mean that in any sort of holier than thou way. :0)

Do you know how many times I have been verbally attacked for venting on this site! I use this site so I can express my frustrations in caregiving instead of at the person who is assuming I will be the most convenient for her care. Attempting to stop negative harrassment that causes emotional harm on posts is not censorship. As a matter of fact the Caregiver Forum Etiquette Rules state as such:
Don't use personal attacks, profanity, threats or offensive language. Keep it friendly and helpful!
How hard is it to use some common courtesy when commenting in this forum?

I am hoping that the moderators will 'monitor' these types of comments more. It is their jobs to do so, not ours. In the meantime - IGNORE those who have less than helpful answers and KNOW that most of us on this site come here for the SAME REASONS YOU DO - to vent 'appropriately' so that we can continue to care 'appropriately' for those who need our help without being so angry with them.

No one should EVER suggest to someone that they are deficient in some way just because there are days when we cannot cope with the insanity we live with very well and need to VENT. Everyone needs someone to talk to who understands. This is the place to find it. The vast majority of posts are kind and caring and I am grateful. Once in a while there's some that are less than helpful - but I figure these folks are just trying to be helpful in their own way and sometimes is 'misses the mark.' Take care and hoping you continue to find the help and care and kind folks who are the majority on this site.

DebraLee - there are trolls on every forum. Just as there are very opinionated but experienced persons on them (like moi! - yeah, I can almost hear the laughter from some of the regulars on this site). My goal is be helpful, to provide a reality based perspective to the maddening cluster of elder care.But I am a total potty mouth - If I've offended you, didn't mean too. With anonymous sites like this, you just kinda have to learn to roll with the good & the bad & the very loco. As someone posted earlier this month in describing another poster's mom...."one taco short of the combination plate". It was funny, clever & visual perfection but might be offensive to some. Like, why not 1 tamale short or 1 burrito short as taco-lovers could be offended. But that is why this site is so wonderful as we have the freedom to write this.

As the children or in-laws or family of elderly, we do the best we can. Not everybody is cut out to be a caregiver for their elders and nor should they be. I know I'm not. But I'm an advocate and representative for my elder. But do I owe my mom my time/my future, no, no way, absolutely not. Do I expect our kids to take care of us...no, no way absolutely not. Am I glad this site is there, yes, yes absolutely. Just ignore the trolls.

OK, I apologize, too, for calling people names and criticizing those who criticize others. I apologize for still being pissed off by my family of origin. I have a wonderful husband and kids, cat, and unbelievable friends, and my kids always refer to me as their "Wonderful Mother."
I don't have to do much for my Mother anymore except visit her, pay her bills, and keep caregivers and hospice accountable to certain standards. I agree I need to "get over " the Past, enjoy the "Present " and do the best I can to support others IF I am going to participate on this forum.
I will also do my best to Ignore posts that annoy or antagonize me. It will involve much discipline and go against the grain of my personality, but if it helps to bring peace in a little corner of the world, I will shut up. Am I forgiven? xoxo

Debralee~I am sorry you have been attacked on this site. It is a shame because we come here for support, suggestions, to support others, give empathy and compassion. Everyone of us has our own beliefs, backgrounds and we all wear a different type of shoes, we should not heckle someone who makes choices different from what we would do, nor should we be slammed for venting our emotions since so many of us on this site are isolated and need someone to talk to about what we are feeling and going through. Some of us use humor, some are angry, some are in need of a compassionate word. I hope you continue to post here and that those who believe their way is the only way will learn to be respectful.

We just have to 'live' and 'let live' - some can't seem to just offer a listening ear - which is all most of us want. We just want someone to ACKNOWLEDGE us - APPRECIATE US - and say - Thanks, you are doing a good job under difficult circumstances. We all need to do that more often. We can all learn a lesson - even from BAD EXAMPLES! My own mom (long dead) would often say - 'you can learn good lessons from BAD EXAMPLES sweetie.' She was a pretty smart lady. I do miss her. Been gone now for 37 years.

I know that personally, my posts have been ALL OVER THE SPECTRUM - coming from frustration, anger, disappointment - and every emotion in between. As with everyone and everything - we are different people at different times under different circumstances. Sometime all I can do is VENT THROUGH TEARS, other times I can offer helpful and hopefully respectful encouragement. That's what caring is all about. Let's all care more, share more and judge less. None of us can walk in another's moccasins. Our SHOES may 'look similar' but they are not exactly the same as those of another - the fit is different, the color, the size and the road they travel.........................

Debralee: It is not your place to be a censor here. You don't have to like or use any given piece of advice. I am an Atheist, for example, and if someone gives advice or makes a religious comment to me, I accept it in the loving spirit it is offered in and don't feel offended by it. I get hugs from people with religious content in their message and I appreciate the love they show me in a hug though I am not religious. I'm not offended, just touched that someone cared to reach to me with affection.

I am one of those "do-gooders" who started up in my teens caring for elderly or sick or handicapped relatives and friends. In my late teens (in the late 1970's) I cared for my great-grandfather with Alzheimer's while attending college. In my 20's, I took in a friend dying of AIDS in the late 1980's. Since then, I have taken in both sets of grandparents (including one who sexually abused me and the other who let him do it), both parents (and my father was physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child), in-laws, and friends. I am 54 now and have been caregiving for decades. You never see me whine or complain here because I do deem it an honor to be the voice of love and hand of comfort for people who need me. Yes, I get tired and it is work but when I was a child, I was cared for when I was work and I hope when I am old and I am a burden, there will be family and friends who will care for me.

No one, including me, is here exclusively to make you feel guilty. If you do feel guilty, examine what you are doing to make you feel that way. I consider it to be a responsibility and obligation for me to care for family and not just my own kids. When I die one day, they can write it on my tombstone- She loved others and she lived out that love in a real way.

I am glad to encourage you Debralee. I know how hard it is. I have been doing this for 36 years and my heart has broken with every death and have even chosen to take in children with handicaps. Why? Just love. I am here to listen to your gripes and complaints because I know you need this outlet and you should have it but please don't censor other people's deeply felt beliefs about loving and caring for others. This site is not just for blanket approval where no one ever hears a dissenting viewpoint. Hugs to you. I think you need them.

Debralee - while some on here are telling you that you don't have the right to censor others - I know where you are coming from. I just got through telling someone in another post to lay off and quit being so harsh because that person was really blunt and harsh to someone asking a question on here. I understand we all come from different backgrounds and all - I just wish people would be nicer on here too.

I do take issue with the words gripe and complain, because they hold a negative feeling with them. There is a huge difference, IMO, between venting and griping. Venting is done to help clear the spirit of bad things building up. Griping is just griping. So I often say vent away, but never never would I say gripe away. How we are perceived depends so much on the words we choose.

Definitions:
Vent: Give free expression to (a strong emotion).
Gripe: Express a complaint or grumble about something, esp. something trivial.

To me - they are one and the same - because some days what I am venting/griping about may seem oh so trivial to others who are dealing with downright serious problems. But, at the time that I gripe/vent - that same triviality may FEEL very serious to me and getting it out there and hearing from others who have has similar experiences or just a kind word from someone who realizes I am having a very difficult time - well it can make all the difference in the world. So, as far as I am concerned - whether we call it 'venting' or 'griping' - it is all the expressions of frustration for the most part and getting those frustrations OUT of our soul and into the air can often kill them or at least weaken them enough that we can continue on.

VENT/GRIPE AWAY as far as I am concerned..............

What I see, is that some people come on this site to promote themselves. I have seen several posts from certain people where they in no way offer support. They only promote what they deeply believe and they do it in a that says...YOU are wrong doing or thinking what YOU are doing. You can tell a poster what you believe without bullying or harshly criticizing their choices. I sense a lot of anger in these poster who do this whether they see it in themselves or not...just don't take your anger out on others and search your own heart for the real reasons you do what you do and why you need to promote it here. When you have not taken the time to get to know a person's situation and you come on here like gangbusters, you are not going to be received well and YES, it is your own fault. So take off your blinders, get off your pedestal, roll up your sleeves and get to know people without your personna I will not sugar coat my answers. The truth is you are hurting and in denial about it so you want to come across as though you have no issues...WRONG!!

I hope this never becomes a place for blanket approval where no one ever hears a dissenting viewpoint.

I tend to approach things (including posts here) in a practical, no-nonsense way. "You are having this problem. Have you tried this?" Sometimes what I consider practical others consider too blunt or harsh. Sometimes the response I get is "thank you for pointing that option out. It gives me something new to consider" And occasionally I've gotten the response, "How dare you criticize me on this forum which is supposed to be all about support!"

Support comes in lots of different forms. Sometimes a kick in the pants can be supportive.

Also take into consideration the huge range of writing skills represented here. Sometimes what we are trying to express is complex, and hard to write about. Let's try not to get mad at each other because of an inability to write ideas in the clearest and kindest way.

Print does not have and 'sound' like a voice talking. Often we 'hear' things in print that were not there when the author wrote them. Nearly impossible to get 'inflection' into the written word - I think that is where a lot of the problem lies.

and then - some people are just blunt and to the point. Jeannegibbs has given me feedback that I felt was - well - not as warm as I had hoped :0) But, I know she means well and what she said came in handier LATER when I wasn't as frustrated, etc. So, sometimes - the words offered can help long after they have been written! Thank you all for Everything you have done for me on this forum - it has truly been a lifeline!

Hi all, I came on this site because I am just starting out in caring for my Mom and see I will be doing more so in the future and I really want/need to see what is in store for me. And to get advice about my Dad. I like all the point of views. I find value in the posts that talk about how wonderful it is to be a caregiver AND I find value in the posters that come on here to blow off some steam and complain some. What I don't like is when someone makes someone else feel bad for their feelings. Either because they think they should not praise themselves or they think they should not vent. Each poster has needs and each need is as important as the next. Three very good letters to learn for a forum are--IMO... In my opinion. :0)

But that is not to say I have not been at fault myself for being judgmental on here a few times. And I apologize. But we are all, as a group, I would say, pretty stressed out and it happens. :^\. Man, you should have seen the forum I was on for insomniacs-talk about a bunch of crabs! I didn't stick around long for that one! Lack of sleep really does make one cranky!!

(((((group hug)))))

I apologize to anyone that I have hurt, too. I thought I was handling mom's death well. I even came on here posting that us siblings (all 8 of us kids) survived the death. I've read enough on this site to know that when a parent dies, all hell breaks loose. Just after I came on saying us siblings survived, a volcano erupted. OMG! Words were said, anger, hurt feelings, etc... I felt so bad for trying to remain neutral and have ALL of us be treated equally when in reality I was resentful that I put aside 23yrs for caregiving parents without siblings physical help, and in the end, we shared things equally. I kept it all inside me. One sibling got hurt because she was left out, and from there, it blew up!! I apologized and made several "I'm grateful to you and all you did" , etc.to pacify siblings and try to maintain the peace. And so, I've been trying to avoid this site because my anger is a bit high.

So, to all that I have insulted in the past 3 weeks - especially this past week - I Apologize! I will try harder not to come on this site until I have my anger in control.. Gosh, crying again. I'm sorry for my words to you Terrim on another thread. Gotta go....

I firmly believe in treating others as I would want to be treated. That includes the written word. Empathy and compassion is the most powerful tool a human being has to offer when helping others. There is no special skill to feeling someone elses pain. Using criticism, bluntness or being judgemental lacks true understanding of what a person of emotional pain posts on this site. Yes there are some poeple who feel they owe their parents and find it a privilege to do so. Others do not or cannot feel that way for whatever reasons and should never be made to feel less than human because of those feelings. I will continue to offer words of kindness to those in need. There is nothing more important than reading words that express-I Understand!

If I strongly disagree with a post I just don't comment. I hold strong beliefs when it comes to caregiving, the elderly, caring for my dad, and many other similar topics but these strong opinions may offend some people so I refrain from talking about them. But just because I refrain doesn't mean that other people have to as well. I think anyone can say anything they want but we're all accountable for what we do say. I'm a grownup and can handle differing opinions. If someone gets nasty or takes it to a personal level I think that says more about that person than it does whoever they're trying to insult.

I'm new here and I like it here. Someone commented above that online there are always going to be cowards who are probably sitting in their parent's basement, getting personal satisfaction out of attacking other people. Que sera sera.

And because I'm new here I don't know if there are moderators or someone monitoring content. I don't need a moderator, I'll just pull up my big girl panties and ignore those who are desperate for attention.

Good topic though, Debralee. I appreciated what you had to say.

Great response Eyerishlass. I bypass some posts because I don't have constructive advice, no experience on the topic or I don't care for the content. I feel I have a right to vent, voice my opinion or pass on helpful hints just as anyone who wants to participate. I do not like the bullying I'm seeing. I do think some posters try to stir up the pot so to speak. I love to read all responses just to see how people interpret a topic. This is a great community and as with any community, there is always room for improvement. It takes away from the purpose of this site if you can't bare your feelings without fear of being judged, criticized, demeaned. I don't mind religious leanings, salty language or deep seated dysfunctional family issues. I do mind the word "whine" and the insistence that I owed my parents and I'm less of a person because I don't believe that to be true. Other than that I still believe in "live and let live" and the Golden Rule.

Dear Everyone-
This site is many things to many people and we change/evolve over time as we all struggle, fail, grow, learn and progress through our common situations/experiences as care-givers. This should be a SAFE place to embark upon the journey of care-taking.
Dismissive comments and advice are useless and only assures the one posting gets a sense superiority. Nothing more.
We are all unique in how we migrate through he role of care-giving.

Over the past few months I have read posts which vary from the 'pragmatic and practical' advice offering to the more 'overwhelmed and emotional' cry for help and guidance.
My first post was that cry for help- I felt so completely alone, isolated, exhausted, depressed and suicidal. I was dangerously close taking my own life.
Neither of which I feel today partly because I found Compassion, Understanding, Empathy and a lot of excellent advice from many really good people (you know who you are and a few have posted on this thread) who were patient and willing to listen to me "complain".
"Complaining" has its place- it can be cathartic and allow a person to move toward a solution(s).
I realized with the help of certain committed members, that it is OK to feel angry and frustrated and exhausted, it is OK to want out of the role of care-giver and NO ONE should criticize this.
Good Luck

Debralee, you have my support. I know where you are coming from. You are not alone in needing to vent. It is a very very stressful situation to be in, dealing with constant selfishness and meanness from someone who is supposed to love you. Even if they cannot help it. Some people either do not understand that, maybe they have not had to deal with the same experiences, or maybe they just have a much higher emotional tolerance than we do. Everyone's formative years, history, and natural emotional capacity is different. Trying to articulate this clearly but my thoughts are scattered, so sorry in advance. I am a newbie here too and made my first post out of desperation. It was a complaint/gripe/vent. I consider them all the same thing. When the frustration and insanity have been going on for too long, there needs to be a safe place to go for help in an overwhelming situation. So far every response to me has been helpful, supportive, and has given me some emotional relief to know I am not alone and there are things I can do to improve the situation, so thank you all for that. Almost every post I've seen with a frustrated, angry, upset tone I have found something to identify with. When I know I am going to see mom, I feel dread, not excitement. We must have a way to keep our sanity. I would not want to see a response from someone telling me to suck it up and be proud and honored to have this thrust upon me, that my whole life must be controlled by this and I should be grateful for it because I "owe" my parents...THEY decided THEY wanted a kid. I didn't ask for this. Mom made my childhood miserable. I was always walking on eggshells. Yeah I'm one of those who already brought up my unpleasant childhood. It can't be helped. It colors how you see the world for the rest of your life. How kids are treated shapes who they are tomorrow. I agree with the phrase "you reap what you sow". My mom sowed seeds of fear, distrust and resentment. Even when you KNOW you need to get over it...it is still always there, because it helped program your emotions during your formative years. I admire those who can truly leave that in the past and not let it define them. It is very hard for many of us to do that though, and we should not feel judged by it.

Sometimes you get so tired of justifying how you feel to those who do not agree from where you are coming from makes it not worth expressing your feelings. Thank you all for those support my feelings and those who do not I just don't know. I wear my heart on my sleeve. All I ever wanted from this site is to be able to write down I how feel and to connect with those in similiar situations. Personal journals can only go so far. I thought this site was to advocate for the caregivers. When I joined six months ago there was so much positive support, but lately there has been increasing negative comments. I realize this is a social website, but is there an internet website left that can make you feel safe without repercussions?

No please don't stop expressing your feelings. They are VALID feelings and you have every right to express them.

Is there anyone who can 'track' where the negativity is coming from - where it begins? I noticed that there were 'less than helpful' posts on two different threads I commented on today - not horrible posts - just felt a bit 'judgmental.' Not sure that we should really DO anything. But after seeing the person post a second similar type comment - I began to wonder - either they are having a really rough time of it, or are just trying to 'start something' - you know - get a 'ball rolling' that is not helpful. I plan to take a short vacation from Agingcare - I won't be gone long - I'll just wait a few weeks and see if the TRUE SPIRIT OF CARING returns.

I also feel that when I first found Agingcare that it was almost an answer to a prayer. No one who is not a caregiver can possibly understand the HUGE frustration in such mundane, daily interchanges with an older person who is totally unhappy or totally dependent or sadly, totally a 'space cadet' due to disease. But understanding is what I found. Compassion. Empathy. Kindness.

I feel so sorry that some of the members on this site now feel that they have been attacked for exposing their feelings here. Feelings are just that. We all have the right to our own. Sometimes they get mixed up and need straightening out. But since I feel we are all 'wounded warriors' here - we all need to be gentle and kind - lest we contribute to someone's pain. Support is what we should offer. Our words should be 'seasoned with salt' - a little salt improves flavor - too much and we gag.

Hang in there all. I'll be back in a while. THANKS AGAIN - YOU ALL HELPED SAVE MY SANITY - for now, at least.

Funny that I found this thread, I just read a post where someone told another member to 'stop whining'.

I haven't been here that long, but I'm not exactly new, but one thing I do know for a fact about this site is that nobody, not one single person here, is 'whining'. And if they were, well, God knows they've earned the damn right.

I've been my mom's caretaker for 10 long years. I'm doing this because I'm an only child, because it was simply the right thing to do. Do I 'owe' this to my mom? Hell no. I don't owe my entire existence to anyone on the planet, ever, for any reason. Nobody 'owes' total and complete self sacrifice for the sake and well being of another human being, any human being. But when it comes right down to it, that's exactly what it is, and in my humble opinion, anybody that takes on such a godawful, heavy burden has EARNED the right to bitch, piss and moan, complain, yell, scream, and smash dinner plates in the drive way if that's what it takes to unload the sheer WEIGHT of this GIGANTIC, IN YOUR FACE responsibility. Everybody here is a hero in my eyes and they can do no wrong. I say rage, WHINE, cry, yell, whatever, till the cows come home here. Most of us just get it.

As for the religious aspect of it all, I don't begrudge anyone their beliefs, and I'm not really offended by any post with religious overtones, unless it's just something outrageous...like how 'grateful' I should be to have been gifted with such a beautiful opportunity as giving and caring for a miserable, unhappy elderly person without a single shred of ability to appreciate how good clean, crisp sheets, clean nightclothes and breakfast and coffee served first thing in the morning really is, or what a wonderful thing it is to have someone there to wipe their ass because they can't anymore. Yes indeed. I might just wake up one morning down the road when this is all over and really be HAPPY about all the freaking sacrifices I've personally made to make a good life possible for my sour, unhappy mother, but that time damn sure ain't NOW.

This site saved my sanity. Period. I had one toe into the land of crazy before I found this place. I thought I was heading for the certifiable stage before I found this site. Reading other people's views, opinions and most of all, their stories, pulled me back from the brink. I realized that I wasn't alone in this, in how I felt, that people actually GOT where I was coming from and why, and that was HUGE for me. Almost every story I've read I can relate to in some way. I get totally the frustration, the anger, the guilt, the exhaustion side of care giving because that's where I'm at personally. I wish I could remember when the last time I slept more than 3 hours at a pop was. Lack of sleep doesn't exactly make me friendly. I get the ugly side of care giving because I've been living it for a long time. In my most humble opinion, there's nothing pretty about any of it and if people need to come here and get that poison out of their systems, I'm all for it. I'm real short in the soft, warm and fuzzy department lately and I totally get why other people are, too.

I didn't say anything to the user who told the OP of that thread I mentioned to stop 'whining' because enough people reamed that user before I got there. lol But yeah, please don't be one of those that come here telling people to 'stop whining' if they need to express frustrations, etc. Some of us don't always feel all nicey nice. We bite when provoked and you're liable to leave this site without your head attached. heh heh God help anyone who told me to 'stop whining' on this site. I wouldn't take it well to put it mildly, all things considered.

I am so very thankful for this site. I got answers I needed to hear and opinions I can ponder to address my sibling difficulty. As others have said I just don't read the negative peoples posts, even if it is their feelings it doesn't help me. Also I want to know if I as a 24/7 caregiver should go to my Mothers doctor appointments? The doctor always asks who is the caregiver and I respond we all are but I live with my Mother. I was told by my brother he is in charge of all legal issues.....help!!!!

Sorry, I couldn't not stay away long :0) Was going to take a break from Agingcare - but just happened to see this post. Mimialoha - YOU ARE YOUR MOTHER'S CARE GIVER. Yes, go with her to her appointments. Someone has to be there to remember what is said - either that or ask for a written transcript - which they are not likely to want to do. My MIL doesn't like anyone to go with her - but someone HAS to - she gives inaccurate information, wrong answers, and does not remember ONE THING he says to her. So, go with her - BE her advocate. IF your brother wants to take her and do this job - by all means - LET HIM, if it will make him feel better. But someone needs to accompany her. Aloha!