Plans for our own care.
Quite frankly, dealing with my parents declining physical and mental health the past five years - my fathers slow, painful death and my mothers dementia and even slower declining health has scared the bejeezus out of me in regards to my own aging. My husband has two separate heart conditions and my son who is severely disabled - is an only child. While one never knows, I think there is a good chance I will find myself alone in my old age. I am not close to my brothers or their children and while my husband has a 26 yr old daughter from a previous relationship- we literally only hear from her every few months when she needs money. I can remember when my mothers mother was put into a nursing home and had mild dementia- she was a handful and my mother once said to me "if I ever get like that, tell me". So a couple of years ago I told her and reminded her of what she said. Moms reply? "I never said that"! Here on this site I see it all the time - posters saying "I never want my children to have to take care of me" or "I'll never do to my kids what my mother/father has done to me". But how will we know? What if the dementia kicks in and we become our loved one without realizing it? So - it's got me thinking...in my position I can't do to my son what my mothers done to me - it's impossible. So what will become of me? It's got me wanting to make some plans - a safety net, of sorts. I'm sure many of you are thinking about this too, in one way or another. Has anyone actually made any plans - any concrete steps to ensure you don't end up sitting alone in a soiled Depends, with your house falling down around your ears? I would love to start preparing - but without obsessing. So a movie quote to close: "You think too much about the time you have left- You don't spend it living". ~Violet Devereaux - The Skeleton Key
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I think since you do have a son, you need to really make a Living Will........or the ones that know LEGALESE, please step in.
Have everything in writing put on paper for your son's sake.
That is one way to have a safety net put in place on his behalf.
The property, the valuables, your money, ... I think you need a conservator... my husband was the conservator for a lady that had no one, and he could make decisions and pay the nursing home, and all of that for her. THey were not related..............
WE will get all kinds of responses in this thread, since it does concern ALL of us...............Thank you for putting it down in writing................
Hugs to all who read and respond. Thank You!
M 8 8
I have no siblings, I never had children. My closest cousins are all older then me, and here I will be 70 next month. I still work part-time, but I am not getting rich on that income.
My parents had a good nest egg as Dad got paid well in his career. I was from the era where even if a female graduated from college, the employer was more interested in how fast could she could type :P I lost promotions because of my gender, even if I was more qualified and had longer seniority. Well, the male had a family to support, I didn't. Thank goodness the younger generation there is more equity.
I've been fugal all my life, and I hope it can pull me through should I sell this house and downsize into a senior living complex.... depending on the rent, I can do it... whew. Just as long as nothing major happens health wise. Yeah right.
First, have a Revocable Living Trust. It lists everything you have and says it is yours until you are incapable of caring for yourself or die. You choose the person who will then take over everything in the trust, including your care. You leave instructions in the trust (as well as a living will directive, health care surrogate, or whatever they call it in your state) about what you want done. In my case, I am giving everything, except my jewelry (which I have promised to my best friend), to my husband, then to my best friend's husband, and you can have as many as you want on your list. I am entrusting that person with the right to sell my property(ies) and invest the money in whichever type of account/investment or to rent my property(ies) and invest the money as he sees fit or to live in one of the properties and make a choice of what to do with any other property(ies). Any profits/investments will be used for my care. (I explain in the other document exactly how I want my personal and medical care handled.) I have a clause that, if euthanasia is legal at that time, under certain medical conditions and consultation with holder of the trust, that is my wish. Then I continue with further very specific instructions. There is another document that releases your medical records to whomever you list. That is very important! The Health Care Surrogate form should take care of it, but there is another form that allows the hospital to release information to whom you list while you are hospitalized. Some of these forms seem redundant to us, but so be it! The medical facilities have to be extremely careful, so be prepared with copies of all of them.
From what I have read, a Will is not necessary if you have a Revocable Living Trust. You cover everything under the trust that you would under a will; so, a will is up to you. In my opinion, the more the better.
I also have a folder with papers from the funeral home with receipt and instructions for them upon my death.
I suggest that you look up legal forms under your state. There will be a list directed to the laws of your state, and most of the time there will be advice under "Estate" forms. Some people go to lawyers or other professionals or buy software, but it is online. Places like UPS and many others have the services of a notary. Some of the forms recommend notarization; I think it is good to have everything notarized. It takes a little time, but you get to customize things and the costs are less than going to a professional.
That's what I've done. BTW, the only worry/fear/whatever that worries me is being alone. We don't know what the future holds. We don't know how much health care insurance, car insurance, home insurance, living expenses and ? are going to be. I can almost bet they aren't going to go down! Hubby and I have prepared for the future, but who knows what the future holds? I sometimes foresee a communal home like the one on The Golden Girls. I have some friends I think I can get along well enough to do that, but I value my privacy. With my health problems, though, will I be able to do something like that? We're back to our childhoods, singing to our moms, who answer, "Que sera, que sera." As usual, they are right. What will be, will be. At least we have this website for our questions and support. I really value that!
I really think even the best laid plans can easily go awry. Where my sis works there was a woman who retired there when it was a classy facility 30 years ago. She came from a family of considerable wealth, but she managed to outlive both the family and the money and in the end was made a ward of the public guardian and evicted to a nursing home, very sad. I'm still in my 50's, but I have a plan to move to a Senior's complex when I am 75, and I've told my mother to come and get me when I turn 80. (lol)
i realize that denial is front and center of most instances of mental illness but any of us who have ever been in the dementia caregiver position SHOULD be able to recognize when we are becoming difficult and unreasonable . my mother died from dementia related complications at 82 without ever knowing WTH dementia is .
i suffered a complete mental collapse on a hepc treatment once ( twice actually ) . i knew damm well my thinking and actions werent right and took myself to the va ER .
so , yea . i know ill be difficult but ill bet ill own that fact in my better moments .
Mom's forgetfulness is getting worse. We watched a Bill Murray movie on TV just last week, "Larger than Life", about an elephant. She followed the movie ok, it is funny and entertaining.
I liked it, so I bought it. Arrived today. Watched the entire thing after lunch and Mom did not even have a clue that we had just seen it last week?!!????!?!?!??!?!?!?
I am scared stiff. I take her to the psychiatrist next week, I will tell him this.*the thing about the movie, not that I am scared stiff. Ha!
I made an appointment to see a Therapist / counselor / with my new Obama Care, it was an Act of Congress for me to get a provider in my zip codeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Two lovely days trying to find a person in my network. Exhausting.
My shrink is good to prescribe medications. But since January, he quit "talking" to me because I take the time other GOOD insurance can pay him...........I need someone to TALK TO!!! I do value the forum immensely, so much so, that I would be CRUSHED to oblivion if it ever goes dark. And since we don't really know where we are, who we are, bla bla, privacy, bla, we will be left in the lurch, never to reconnect again.
Oh No!
I scared myself again..................ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......................
Help! (Beatle's song) I need somebody, Help! I need anybody..............etc. etc.......
M 8 8
What do people really know and think about it". Laura Troyani, Founder and CEO.
This little paper is so well written. Includes an article about skylights and a well lit space, no glare, for the elderly. Sounds very practical, and natural light alleviates some depression symptoms.
I would have never thought
that such good and useful information
could be picked up, free, at the grocery store.
M 8 8
I love what Rainmom said about wishing she had bought a better cut of meat. My folks have huge checking and savings accounts but live like starving refugees. Nasty old furniture and carpet, tv with a big black bar on the screen, "Oh we don't mind". Mom won't use a prescription lotion as she should because there's a $20 copay. I finally forced them to replace their 1980s era cordless phone. A new one cost $39 and that was a major battle.
I've decided to not be like that. I want to use what money we have for us now and later. I love my nephews but I'm not going to live in a cave so they will get a nice nest egg when I die. We are also thinking about moving to a more elder friendly house with no stairs. We're mid 60s, so that's a ways off but we're planning ahead.
Comfort care is all I ask for.
Captain, as a vet, you have earned whatever care you get from the VA. I thank you for your service. Instead of leaving your home and land to the state, if your boys don't want them, you might think of a charity. If there is any money left after I am gone, I am leaving most of it to the person who ends up caring for me and the rest to the fraternal organization I have supported most of my life. As you pointed out, none of us knows what is really going to happen, but at least we can state our wishes.
My parents Wills and POA's were older than dirt and trying to convince them to update said documents fell on deaf ears, literally. It took a crises of Dad falling and ending up in the ER without my Mom by his side, and for me to tell Dad I can't make any decisions for him as Mom is his POA. Mom didn't come to the ER because she was then legally blind and her hearing was pretty bad so she didn't want to come, hello she was 97 at the time. That convinced my parents to make the updates. Whew, thank goodness my parents did, as a few months later Mom had a fall that put her into long-term-care where she passed. My parents were still each other's POA but I was second in line.
After Mom's passing, I told Dad he needs to revise his Will and POA, and do the paperwork for the Trust, otherwise the State could grab a lot of his estate in taxes. Good timing on that, as a couple months later Dad's memory started to take a turn... if I had waited, the attorney might have said Dad couldn't sign any more legal documents.
I tell ya, the logistics can be mind-blogging at times :P
M
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One thing we're going to do is sell our larger house in the next couple years and build a much smaller safer home and make sure our only child has signed copies of POAs and our Wills and she is beneficiary on everything. We're also building as large a savings account as we can so we will be able to pay a caregiver for in-home care for as long as we can. If we should eventually need to go into assisted living or a NH, then our home can be sold to pay for it, as well as our savings, until it's gone, then Medicaid can kick in. We don't want to cost our children their lives, or their money...and this is the best way we see to do it.