Last night my parents, age 70 & 74 and living independently down the street from me, declared they are basically "done" with life. They say they see nothing out there for them. My father admits he is basically trying to kill himself with alcohol. This in spite of the fact that they are in good health (other than alcohol and depression), have a nice home, good financial situation, and one child (me) that watches out for them daily and brings no drama to their lives. They refuse to seek help for their depression. I don't know what to do. My mom's mom lived to 96. When I try to tell my mother she probably has another 20+ years ahead of her, all she says is she hopes not to live much longer. I'm tearing my hair out this morning!!!!!!! They say they don't want to live to an age to become a burden on me. They don't seem to have a clue that they are quickly becoming a burden at this point with their behavior. I run my own business and work 6.5 days per week, and spend my only time off (Sunday afternoons) at thier house while they tell me how awful life is and how they are "done" and they are too old to have positive things going on in their lives. We discuss things like cremation, burial, inheritance, physical ailments, and they bad mouth pretty much everyone they know. Then I go home, crash out in bed, and here I am, its Monday, up hours before the sun trying to get my work week started again. This sux.
Anyway, I repeat that I'm really saddened by your parents actions. IF they even recognize they have a problem, they think it is their problem but it isn't just theirs. They've made it yours now. How much do you take? Do you call in the authorities? How long do you let them continue this downward spiral? What a truly heartbreaking situation.
Dealing with your own feelings over all of this is difficult, and a form of grieving. Alanon and/or literature on addictions can help you with that, Detachng is important for you and for them.
It is ironic that they say they do not want to become a burden on you, but, in fact they already are, and with their chosen lifestyle, likely to become moreso.
Interventions sometimes work, but you would need support and info on how to carry this out so as to ensure the greatest chance of success.
I do feel for you. My father drank, and as he aged, and developed what likely would now be called vascular dementia, he could not safely live at home any more, so my mother found an excellent treatment center for addictions. He spent some time there and then went to an extended care facility for the rest of his days,
My heart goes out to you. It is very hard to watch people you love self-destruct.
Keep in touch - Joan
Good luck. Try and stay detached from the situation. Do go to Al-Alan. It works.
I appreciate the support you all are giving me. My parents were active and had lots of interests until this started to get bad a year or so ago. Short of a diagnosis of cancer or something like that, I did not think I would be having to deal with these types of issues until they were in their 80s. Somehow dad thinks 74 is super old...?? I don't get that. Not in today's world.
Your father is a alcoholic, in denial and his reasoning skills are most likely impaired (alcoholic dementia). It will most likely take another crisis, "wake up call" for any change to occur. From reading your posts, this event will most likely come in the not to distant future for either your mother or father. Another fall, cancer, pancreatis, liver disease and the list goes on. From your comments inpatient treatment is most likely required.
Your love for your parents and desire to rescue them and improve their lives is understandable and commendable. I could envision myself doing the exact same thing and the situation ripping my heart out. I agree with the ladies above, you need to take care of yourself and reach out for support and guidance. Alanon may be a good place to start. The sooner the better.
Unfortunately, my friend Nancy, who I eluded to in my previous post, was diagnosed with lung cancer. She quit smoking and drinking for 8 months. She has recently resumed drinking as the cancer has met to her brain and prognosis is not positive. She states that she loves to drink and why not. Her husband's drinking has also increased significantly. I would not wish this situation on anyone and believe me it is heartbreaking to watch.
Please take care and keep us posted. I hope I was not to blunt. This is such a sad situation expecially as both of your parents are involved. Stay close to your husband and friends for support.
That is great news. Did anything transpire that precipitated this behavior? Have you shared any of the comments that you received to your original post? When was the last time that your parents went out to breakfast? Change in eating habits to more nutritional food-Wonderful - That is very important. (My mother, eats to many sugary treats and also ended up in the hospital as a result of poor nutrition. Major vitamin deficiency.)
Regards
You parents probably still see you as child - so they get to set the rules
But if they see Dr. as "responsible" adult - given their ages they might just respect that white coat and authority figure - and let him set rules.
At least make sure they tell him they are "through with life"maybe he can offer
mental health help.
Sometimes it just takes telling them, sometimes in blunt terms, the effect they are having on you. You said you "unloaded on them", maybe that's what it took for them to start to see what their decisions are doing. If not, try talking to their primary care Dr., they may be able to help with referrals to some eldercare counselors that could talk to your parents and help them shake off the depression and everything and start living life again.
I hope things are getting better with them! (just realized this post is over a week old!)