A friend pointed me to the site today, I've been reading it voraciously and decided to post an intro.
I'm 47 (48 next week), married for 16 1/2 years (together for 18) and raising three children - college, high school and middle school. Currently I am the "go-to" girl for my 91-year-old mother-in-law, who is in assisted living. She has two living children, her son - my husband, and her daughter (SIL), as well as multiple grandchildren.
This is NOT my mother (NOTmyCIRCUS!), her children are the co-trustees, but because I don't work full-time, I was relegated to care for MIL since she was in a car accident (her fault) in March of 2013, and after she stroked out while in convalescent care in April 2013. I have been responsible for all her myriad doctor appointments and follow-up since March 2013; I was the primary assistant in the sale and cleaning out of her home; I am responsible for paying all her bills, in addition to catering to her every weekly whim.
This is an extremely toxic and dysfunctional family (just was reading the caregiving and dysfunction thread!); my FIL, whom has passed, was an alcoholic; my MIL is a co-dependent narcissist and my SIL, she's a story unto her own, which leaves my husband, himself unfortunately, a functioning alcoholic (he would deny that) and also a narcissistic co-dependent (deny that too).
My husband has very very minimal coping skills (hence the alcohol), and has had issues in the past with Xanax, to the point that I had to do an intervention in 2008. He claims that he's only using it "like when I have to give a presentation, or have an interview", but the fact that he still even gets it filled pisses me off and I KNOW he's been using more, his personality has changed drastically again.
I provide financial and medical updates to all family members regularly; but having a discussion with my husband about HIS mother is next to impossible as he has no interest in discussing her and doesn't want to hear what the doctors have to say (because that would make it too real that she is declining...but that IS the natural tendency of life). Therefore, we don't have many conversations unless they revolve around him, his work, his music, etc.
My sister in law is useless, she stole thousands while she was living with MIL several years ago, when she was supposed to be caring for her. My interaction with her is only through email and text. When I see her in person, which is rare, I am civil, but my guard is constantly up.
MIL is an ungrateful and manipulative...(I know why FIL drank!) My interactions with her are several times a week, ALWAYS for me to bring her something. I know she is wanting attention from my husband, and he's not giving it to her how she wants it. BTW, I am NOT a doormat...I am very strong, just at this point not giving much of a shit about anything. Lost my own mother in '04, and my brother in 2012, I know tragedy...
She has multiple health issues: decreasing memory, hearing loss, cataracts, open wounds on her legs (from trying to get up and walk unassisted) that require weekly wrapping and treatment, wheelchair-bound due to a stroke, no/minimal circulation in lower extremities (which is why the wounds don't heal), and pain med dependence....and then there is the emotional issues....believing she will leave assisted living and move "home" (house has been sold); belief she can handle her finances (she can't and we give her allowance and minimal checks and monitor spending); belief she will become mobile (it's been 2 1/2 years, PT is not allowed because of the open wounds on her legs)...the list goes on and on. She complains about the people in the facility, feels superior to them, like talking to some of them is so beneath her. She has no compassion, and NO FILTER WHATSOEVER. Going to doctor appointments with her is embarrassing because she talks loud and say super inappropriate things. Doctor appointments consist of her constantly requesting pain medication (she's already on a boatload).
And how does this make me feel? Anger, resentment, anger, more resentment, MORE anger...
I am in process of finding a therapist to help me cope with where I'm at in life currently, because there are days that I don't want to be here. On top of that, my own father (86) is beginning to decline and call on me for more assistance..and to top it off, I myself have health issues for which I was hospitalized in May.
I'm overwhelmed and honestly toggle between filing for divorce and just moving away, or trying to stick it out with my husband (whom by the way will NEVER attend any therapy, because he doesn't have any problems...and as he's said before, "if we can't work things out, then we are just not as vitalized as I thought") WTF? I can't be vitalized with someone who refuses to take any responsibility for their addictions or their own parent and family?
Anyway, sorry for the verbal vomit..happy to be here and hoping to learn.
p.s. I have her dog too...sigh
I've often wondered how so many women put up with getting the inlaws foisted on them while hubby and the rest have a cocktail or go shopping. Men wouldn't put up with it for a minute. MIL, FIL, and any other IL would go straight to the care facility, or at least most would.
"but because I don't work full-time, I was relegated to care for MIL" Who "relegated" you and why don't you unrelegate yourself? Are you getting paid for caring for MIL or is all this gratis?
Tell husband and anyone else who needs to know that you rescinding the relegation and resuming your own life. Or give them a bill for your services.
Give them a list of what you've been doing and advise them to hire someone or find a placement for MIL. Find a job for yourself, even if it's not a career job, but just get out of the house so they're forced to take action.
Your husband is obviously not giving you any support, and has issues himself. I wouldn't suggest you consider splitting up, but it may come to that if he expects you to be the doormat you're not.
But the first step is to make the decision that YOU won't do any more. Enough is enough. Time to move on, with or without the family.
Banal out....therapist is for me only...my husband would never go...that's part of his denial.
Garden, I will respond to you when I get to a real computer! There is a lot to address...
STP, part of my resentment is directly at my husband...and telling him I'm not opens up just more drama that I'm not prepared to deal with right now. I'm stuck and hoping that the ability to participate with others in the same position AND get me some counseling will help things. There is coming a time I feel, that I will cut my losses and move on. My kids are 13 1/2 and 16 so right now I just need to try and cope...
Without knowing more about your situation and the people involved, it's hard to advise you. Are there any tasks or contacts with MIL that you could realistically transfer to someone else? Sometimes just limiting your contacts with the elder can reduce stress and buy time. Can you "just say no" to some of MIL's requests? Can someone else take her to doctor's appointments?
You always have the option of simply exiting the situation and letting the chips fall where they may. Just remembering that may help you let go of some stress.
You need time away from MIL - hubby or SIL can step up or not.
Take some time for yourself to think things through.
Let hubby and SIL deal with it for a month, clear your head and see if you are happier with or without your husband. Maybe you need him to go to rehab before returning.
Give yourself space and time.
Another good thing about working is that you can save some money. Then if you decide to tell your husband you're fed up with him and his mother, you'll have the money to fall back on.
That's what I would do, anyway.
How are the children holding up under all of this. I know that when my mother got married again, I had high hopes of a different and better family with a step-dad and step-siblings. That all went to hell in a hand basket for he was evidently already an alcoholic like my mother's dad (I think in response to his divorce from his wife having an affair) only to be followed by mom becoming an alcoholic which she had sworn to my dad she would never touch because of her dad and also made her intrusiveness, etc. much worse.
Alcoholics are great boundary breakers and living in the same house as child with one or two is tough.
GardenArtist asks very good questions to reflect upon and answer for yourself.
I am going to South Dakotabto see my college kid in two weeks...alone, but of course I've gotten shit for that. I just don't care anymore...but I can't make a move yet.
My dad while failing will live another 5-10 years...my inheritance will sustain me...:but until then I'm sorta stuck.
I might also look around the place where your MIL is staying. Are you doing too much? The first place that my loved one entered seemed to always have issues transporting her to doctor appointments. I stepped up and provided her transportation and after that, they slacked off. I then found that they were able to arrange for all the other resident's transportation, but not her. I believe it's because they knew I would take care of it. That service was included in her monthly cost, but they were not providing it. I did complain, but soon after moved her to another facility. Immediately, the new place took over her transport. I do attend her doctor appointments most of the time, but I don't have to. They have a notebook with her medical chart from the facility and they can handle it.
What items does she need every week? I would make her a nice bag that includes things she may need like toiletries, treats, etc. and let that be it.
It sounds like this place and your MIL's family may be relying on you too much.
I think some strong messages can be sent by a change in attitude and showing people that you also are going to have a life.
You sat you are worried about finances and are not ready to take action at this time. I'll bet you could get by on much less than you think. Maybe tell hubby you're thinking about a trial separation, going to look at an apartment. Do it in a calm and reasonable way. Someway, somehow, these folks around you have to begin to see you shedding this doormat image.
I bring all this up not to criticize you, just thoughts..........
First Garden....I would LOVE to just say NO....but it is much more entwined. If I were to do that, *I* would become the ultimate betrayer...the ULTIMATE SELFISH B*TCH (yes, that is what I've been called over and over and over by DH). The passive-aggressive behavior would continue with comments like, "FUCK YOU, you selfish bitch, if it were YOUR family, *I* would...." The truth is, if it were MY family, he would have NO INVOLVEMENT AT ALL! It would be me, again...and it will be me as my own father continues to age and require assistance. I have an older brother who is the trustee, who doesn't even LIVE IN THE AREA...I LIVE HERE...so everything will fall on me without any legal ability (except the POA that I demanded my father get last year before he had a bladder cancer "procedure".
IF I were to tell my husband I'm done it would continue to go like this: "well, you're now forcing ME to take time off work, time away from supporting my own family"...and that would be my fault.
IF I were to tell my husband I want to be paid for my time and efforts (which I have said), I'll get the "fuck you, you're selfish"...that's the story of my life...how selfish and what a bitch I am. Sigh...it's a no-win.
Financially, I can't afford to leave (and btw, it was MY house first). DH can't leave, we can't afford it and we don't have the 'luxury' of his mother's house any longer. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is...and my inheritance I received back in 2008 is (what little is left) what I use to counteract continual overdraft. I have been looking for work, but to no avail, and I fear it isn't happening because there is something more with my health (I had a CT scan last week and see the pulmonologist on Friday for the results, and honestly, I'm scared shitless).
I feel caught between a rock and the proverbial hard spot...and literally take one day at a time.
I had the opportunity to speak with my friend who directed me to this site yesterday....three hours of discussion and she made me feel so much better that I am not alone. She made an interesting statement, which still hasn't completely sunk in, but said that DH HATES his mother and his family, which is why he acts the way he does. I attributed his behavior to denial...but when she explained his hatred towards his own family, it sort of makes sense. BUT, if that is the case...WHY would he jeopardize his OWN IMMEDIATE family by treating me so shitty???? Honestly, he cannot take responsibility for his actions at ALL...he constantly has to blame others and I'm sick of it!
I have decided I will do the absolute MINIMUM when it comes to MIL. No more going out of my way to appease her needs. If she needs something, she'll need to wait if she doesn't have the decency and respect to give me a couple of days notice. Paying the bills isn't a big issue, it's all online...but I'm no longer going to 'care' about her spending (NOTmyCIRCUS...NOTmyMONKEYS!)...and I'm no longer going to put my own emotions on the back burner.
I left a message or a therapist recommended by another friend of mine (who's a MFT), so I'm hoping to hear from her today. AND I'm going to continue to utilize this board for support. Ironically, I was the administrator/owner of a Narcissism board for YEARS....you would've thought that I would have been able to recognize MIL as an N-Co when I met her, but...like all Ns, she was so convincing that she was a lovely woman. Oh boy....was that a mistake...and my husband is the typical alcoholic/addictive N-co....and what I've found is that they ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS project their shit onto the person they want to keep close and that ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS pushes us far, far, far away.....I, at this point, am almost to Pluto in distance....
Thanks again for being here, I appreciate you all.
Your husband says: ""f*ck you, you're selfish"...apparently frequently.
You write: "that's the story of my life...how selfish and what a b*tch I am. Sigh...it's a no-win.:
If anyone spoke to me like your husband speaks to you, he'd be very sorry. I'd be out of there in a flash, even if I had to stay at the YWCA for a few nights just to get away and get reoriented into a more positive and HEALTHY environment.
To me this suggests a pattern of verbal abuse; think: battered woman syndrome.
As to the "story of my life", there are some serious self esteem issues when someone throughout her life has been treated as you have and rationalizes it.
These should be the first topic of discussion with your therapist.
I hope he or she helps you through this; there is no point in living in a life of misery, but it will take some good therapy to help you realize that so you can get out of this life and into a better one away from your husband and his mother.
If your husband's verbal abuse hasn't been a longstanding issue, then he obviously has some problems that developed recently as well. Perhaps he can't deal with the crises in life, perhaps he was always self centered but it didn't show.. I can't really guess, but maybe marriage counseling is appropriate as well, although I doubt your husband feels there's anything wrong with HIM.
Still, you don't have to live your life as a verbal punching bag.
GA: ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HANDLE THE CRISIS...which is why *I* am the one doing everything. NO COPING SKILLS WHATSOEVER! NADA. The typical child of an alcoholic/dysfunctional family where they NEVER talked about the issues within the family of origin and he will NEVER go to counseling...because there IS nothing wrong with him.
There are two older children, the oldest sister - the GOLDEN GIRL - was killed in a car accident in 1997...BUT, she is the one that raised DH. SHE was the one that "prayed to God for a brother to SAVE THE FAMILY". I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this in the 18 years I have been involved with this family...DH SAVED THE FAMILY! Yet, his mother has said, "I didn't even KNOW I was pregnant until I was 7 months along". Unbelievable BS...I've had three live children and been pregnant 5 times...you KNOW when you are pregnant. MIL apparently was "so depressed" after DH was born (allegedly grieving her mother's passing - another N - TWO YEARS PREVIOUSLY), that his oldest (deceased) sister had to raise him the first two years...
So, NO....DH has always been held to a high esteem for saving the family and can/could do absolutely NO WRONG in MIL's eyes...it truly has been the past couple of years that I've seen the co-dependent dance between the two.
Going to therapy is for ME...and will be during the day for ME
Clear your schedule some, right now. You won't need therapy to decide: Stop reporting, informing any in-laws, or anyone for that matter about your MIL.
Your husband is most likely having an affair to treat you that way.
Stop spending your $30 k, stop it, stop it! Think of it as each expenditure is an investment to continue your current lifestyle.
Are you cooking, and he says that stuff? O dear H, as you turn off the stove, gotta go to the bathroom, can you stir this? Don't come back. With every roll of his eyes, or with every cruel statement, you bring back the prettiest blouse new from the store. Soon, you will be looking and feeling so good, he will take notice.
If you don't take advice given to you from those who know, offered generously from forum posters, (take what you want, leave the rest), there will be no one to save you when this gets worse.