New To Full Time Caregiving
I'm glad a friend of mine who has a 35 year old disabled son suggested this site. I am so exhausted emotionally and physically I can barely type. I've only had my Mom living with me for a few weeks, but I've been taking care of her part time for over a year, and in smaller ways for 7 years.
We bought an Amish farm, with a lovely big house, and had a special bathroom put in, and made a really nice space for my mother. Up until just over a month ago, she showered and dressed herself, could grab herself a snack, do a few dishes, etc. It seems like almost overnight, she lost her capability of self care, and now that she's moved in, it is almost full care. We thought she had a stroke, but an MRI was normal for her age. It's all happened so fast, and I'm shocked every day by the continued downward spiral. I am very sad, and I feel hopeless and trapped. I read on here that these are normal feelings, but I really hate getting up in the morning and facing another day. Even worse than that, is I feel ashamed that I'm a wreck. I have seen and read about people being caregivers for years and years. My friend has done it with her son for 35 years. He is autistic, diabetic, and blind. I just feel really bad about myself. I have a wonderful, supportive husband that helps with her care, and a woman that comes in twice a week for 4 hours and cooks, and sits with Mom. My husband is semi-retired, so I can also get out when he's here. I should be grateful, but I just feel overwhelmed. I'm hoping that this is a very painful adjustment period. Maybe someone would share how they felt in the very beginning of their caregiving. Thank you so much.
Welcome to AgingCare.com. We hope that you find this site helpful and enjoy the interaction with all the caregivers on this site.
The following link is our resource guide to being a new caregiver. We hope this helps!
Quick Guide to New to Caregiving
https://www.agingcare.com/New-to-Caregiving
Best of Luck,
Karie H.
AgingCare.com Team
What you are experiencing is the new and huge adjustment to having your mom living in your home. A few weeks is not a long time and you are going through the challenges of the reality of your situation. Be patient with yourself. Caregiving is your personal journey. You need to learn to find balance. You can only do this if you tap into the emotional toll caregiving can take on your life. What you're feeling is normal, but if you stay in this place you will suffer. Since you have help in the home and your husband also helps you, I would recommend that during those times when you don't have to care for your mom, you get out and do something that will help you stay connected to friends or do something that helps your soul. How are you caring for yourself? What are you doing to take care of you? There is a huge emotional and physical learning curve that comes when we begin to see the downward spiral that takes place with an elderly loved one. And you can't fix what is wrong with your mother. But I would ask you...what exactly is wrong? If the doctor can't find any major changes in her health, then perhaps, she's decided to not do things for herself. Have a conversation with her and encourage to try and do things independently (assuming this is safe for her.) Sometimes we have to step back and look at the situation from a place of being the distant observer. Stop beating yourself up. You are human and what you are feeling is normal. If you want to talk more about this, you can find me at my website and we'll talk more. Go easy on yourself. Just for today, make a decision to be grateful that you have help in the home and that you have a husband who is willing to help you. Just for today, understand that your "head" is working overtime on your emotions and I would encourage you (just for today) to try and set some of your "shame" and "guilt" free. Just for today, trust that you will be okay.
I have been out to lunch a few times with friends, and every evening I walk the dogs on our farm. It does help, but like a good friend of mine (who took care of her mother for 15 years) "You are still "ON", even when you are out of the home." I need to learn to enjoy my time away, instead of continually thinking about my return, and how Mom will be when I get home. This is just where I am in my journey right now.
naheaton, my friend only gets away for a break rarely, when her daughter can watch her disabled son. He needs injections, and has violent seizures, neither of which I am prepared to deal with, (and which she doesn't want anyone else dealing with) I know what you mean about helping others though...it does help, and I am involved in several local charities. Thank you both for taking the time to respond to my question.