I've posted on here before...and the "fun" continues. My 91-year-old widowed mom lives in her own apartment in a beautiful senior retirement community..there is no less than 100 other women in her situation that live there. She has displayed very nasty narcissistic behavior all her life, so I have backed off to preserve my sanity and marriage. I do her shopping 3-4 times a month, take her to Dr appointments and OFFER to take her out to lunch , etc. ..which she usually refuses...saying she doesnt want to go anywhere ... but then complains she never gets out ! When I drop her groceries off, and have a soda or bring lunch for us, I feel like I'm being held captive and she will ask me no less than 10 times, "So what else is new?..."Please stay" ( and we can just look at each other..lol) or I can get lectured on how I need to "stay home and rest " and not go anywhere with my husband. I informed her today that she has made the decision not to socialize or partake in any of the wonderful social activities they offer ...so that is her choice to remain lonely in her apartment. I have been a single mom most of my life, working 2-3 jobs to put my sons through college...and looking so forward finally to retirement..but I'm feeling like I'm raising another baby. I met and married my wonderful husband 13 years ago, and she makes continual snarky remarks about him all the time. He almost died from a near fatal heart attack 4 years ago, and she seemed disappointed that he survived... and told me, "Well, maybe you'll be a widow too, like me. " I sure wish I could enjoy being with her... but I can't stomach any more time with her whining and negativity. When my handicapped wonderful dad was alive, she resented him, and bullied him emotionally, and I stepped in to save his sanity... ..have been caretaking for both of them, and now for her, for 21 years....and I want my own life. I am 68 with a lot of health problems, so my husband and I want to travel and visit our own kids and grandkids while we are able to do so. She does not understand that because she never once spent any time with her grandkids, when I needed help... nor did she help too much with her own parents when they became old and frail. Thanks for listening and allowing me to vent, once again.
I wonder whether her social skills have slipped a bit? She can't quite connect to others well anymore? Could be for various reasons: hearing can be a big one, also mild cognitive decline is another. Losing language skills, word finding, comprehension. Or maybe lacking the motivation. Depression? Apathy?
I suppose it is easier when older to converse with close family. They 'get' you. You are used to their voice, their language style. My Mother can really only understand close family now. Hearing problems (maybe cognitive too). Can anticipate family's conversation, but not others very well.
Seems more than socialising here. Seems Mother is becoming/has become very dependant on just you. This can feel like someone is using up all your oxygen. Just.can't.breathe in their presence.
I'm not sure what you can actually do.. visit, but keep them time limited as you need.
Maybe push for some lunches out, a change of scene, something to talk about, might be good way for you both to get a little more joy from the visits.
But absolutely get on with your plans, your trips, your visits to other family.
It may be that your Mother is nearly ready for assisted living, where social activities are pre-arranged. Mine says no to everything.. but when staff wheel her to something she seems to really enjoy it.
OP you wrote that your mother said, "well, maybe you’ll be a widow too, like me.”
awful.
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many miserable people want others (especially their daughter) to be miserable.
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millions of us daughters are abused by elderly LOs.
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dear OP, keep in mind 2 things:
1.
some nasty/mean people want to destroy you as much as possible before they die.
really.
there will be some nice words sprinkled here and there (so they don’t look totally awful). be warned. it’s not really real. it’s to keep you.
the reality is: they want to make you as miserable (destroyed life) as possible, before they die.
this knowledge actually liberated me. since i know their intention now, i do all i can to make sure my life doesn’t get destroyed. i’m now really able to concentrate on my work (1,000%) for example, because i know what they’re trying to do, what they want.
2.
dear OP, and all daughters in a similar situation:
it has nothing to do with you. in fact, you’re probably the sweetest/kindest/most helpful daughter in the world.
so what’s the problem?
YOUR GENDER.
if you had been born a man, she would treat you well. it’s that simple.
hugs!!
rescue your life, in the same way you rescued many times your dear LOs.
create a WONDERFUL life. no one else can do that for you: not your abusive LOs, not people on this forum…
just you.
go for it!
kind to others AND yourself.
every day do something that brings you closer to a WONDERFUL life.
bundle of joy :)
Tell her SHE is choosing to spend her life like this. I may even say that you don't understand why she feels you need to be there for her but never thought she needed to be there for her husband, you or her parents. It may seem cruel but sometimes we have to make people look at themselves. Tell her you will continue to visit and do what you can for her but...you are going to enjoy the rest of your life with your husband. You will be traveling and doing what you can because...life is short. You have done for everyone else for 68 years, its now time for YOU.
I get so tired of hearing how people just lay down and take the emotional, verbal, psychological and in some cases, physical abuse. You are making an effort to control this but, you need to put a stop to it.
Your mthr is a biotch, hoping you would become a widow is hateful, selfish, mean and abusive. You DO NOT have to take her abuse. Doesn't matter that she's old, widowed, brought you into this world. She's a bitter old woman that doesn't deserve to have you to abuse.
Sorry, this probably seems harsh but, until "old" people get the point to play nice or play alone, they will continue to use their adult children as their own personal pizzing posts.
Tell her and the 1st word against your husband, you tell her she was warned and you are leaving to give her time to consider if she wants you present in her life or not.
Not all old people get dementia or have memory problems, some are just mean to the bone and are only happy when tearing down others.
That was what a councellor suggested to me. Keep to your limit. No mission creep.
Also said this method does not work for all. Some endure so much pressure, it is sometimes better for health to run away. Seriously!
Hey Roadrunner, stay 4 hrs away! Keep busy with the kids, keep working 😉
Since you won't be at her beck and call anymore, does she know how to order groceries online and transportation services to get to her appointments?
There's nothing you can do. Your mother is too old to change and she isn't going to.
Really all you can do is either go 'Grey Rock' which is pretty much ignore her and just make sure she has the basic necessities of life (food, medicine, and a safe environment). Only have limited contact with her and only speak to her in 'yes' or 'no' answers.
Or go totally no contact. Don't let her misery and negativity victimize another minute of your time.
Yesterday I got a refresher class on why I stay 'Grey Rock' with my mother.
We've gotten along well enough for the last few weeks. She hasn't been out of the house in a while so I let my guard down. Some of my family were having a little get-together and I thought it would be nice for my mother to go. I was wrong.
She gave a tour de force "performance" working herself up into a panic anxiety attack. Complete with hyperventilating, tears, rocking back and forth, hysterics and semantics. She was playing to the crowd because I brought her. When my sibling or anyone else takes her somewhere, she is fine. When it's me there has to be a performance. I don't give her any attention, sympathy, or even kindness when she's performing. I pretty much just walk away and ignore it. This might sound harsh to some, but I know a performance when I see one and I've had a ticket to her shows since I was a little kid.
She only does it with me. If I'm enjoying myself she is compelled to ruin it for me. So I had to pack everything up and leave early then drive over an hour back to take her home.
That was a good reminder for me for why I take her nowhere and pretty much ignore her other than basic needs.
Leave your mother to wallow in her own misery. You're 68 years old. You've done enough and it's time for you to live your life in joy and with your husband, kids, and grandkids.
Your mother like mine is an emotional vampire. They feed off of making us sad and miserable. No more. My mother isn't getting anymore from me and I truly hope you don't give anymore to yours.
First it was my divorce from alcoholic, it was my fault. Then when I married again, it was criticism about re marry in my 40s. That did it for me.
My older sister in her 60s is still afraid of mother, acting like a child. I dont tolerate any of it.
I am the one that was always bad, too opinionated and I am proud of it.
Don’t even try to change her, don’t waste your energy, put it to good use, your life and health are your priorities.
Mom has care and access to whatever social life she might want or need. It is up to her to access it or not.
That you are taking this on as your responsibility is showing you need some support in a healthier response to a senior who is living her life as she chooses, as she always did live it. Some support in learning to let Mom live her live without feeling responsible for her decisions.
Some of this concentrating on Mom and Mom's problems is a way of avoidance of your own issues about your needs, yours and your husbands wishes and plans, your own health and etc.
Taking on "Mom" and all that entails allows for "I just can't think about all that now" as regards to health and addressing that, vacations, and a path that is new to you and a bit scary.
I would seek help. We can give opinions, but they aren't worth the powder to blow them to -----Hades. A real professional can help you dig in deep, and provide real help.
The natal cord is never to old to severe.