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My cousin is continually trying to get me to come down and stay with my aunt. I repeatedly keep telling her that work, and I must be in the office physically. I can visit aunt on Saturday but need to leave the following day. I live five hours away.



Cousin texts and says she's throwing a thank you party for my aunt's neighbor who has been a tremendous help. The party is on Wednesday. I said cousin, I appreciate the invite, but again, I'm working, and cannot attend, as I must be in the office. No response.



I have showed much gratitude to the neighbor while I was there. Paid her money, and even bought lunches for her and my aunt each time I visited. Cousin has not. I told cousin please feel free to have the party without me, and I will visit aunt sometime during the weekend. No exact date given.



I understand her situation that she has a family. Her sister works, but she can't understand that I live five hours away with a job, and I do not have the luxury of saying, am going to WFH to take care of my aunt.



Aunt needs 24-hour care. She refuses AL, she has a caregiver, but she needs more care than I can provide for her, and I have told cousin this. I am not the solution because I am single. Oh, I did give up my POA. Aunt currently does not have one, that I know of.

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Why not just block cousin and stop all communication with them including your aunt? It doesn't sound like they bring anything but stress to your life. As for the enabling neighbor the last thing I would be doing would be to throw a thank you party, giving her/him money or buying them lunch. This party is just lame as F---k.
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So glad you resigned your POA!
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I agree with the first half of your comment but I don't agree with the neighbour hate, it's not this person stepping in to fill gaps that is the root of this dysfunction, it's the daughter.
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You did the right thing (resigning PoA and saying no to the party, travel). Keep saying no. Eventually the cousin will stop asking. Don't give any reasons, just say you don't wish to attend or travel. If you give the cousin reasons s/he might try to negotiate with you. Just keep saying no and that you'll visit if and when you want to.
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The neighbor has been a tremendous help with my aunt. She has helped when no one asked. So gratitude is definitely warranted. I have thought of blocking my cousin, and when I do visit my aunt, I will not tell her I'm there. I don't want to drop my aunt. I love her. I just can't do what everyone expects me to do, which is drop my life to go live there with her, or even stay with her a week. Cousin only visits her a few hours, probably once a week.
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You are doing what is called...Setting Boundaries.
Perfect thing to do for your wellbeing.
Continue to stand by your ground rules.
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Thank you!
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I am so glad you resigned your POA. Feel free to vent. It is very frustrating when others don't understand when you are speaking clearly and honestly. But you can't control the "understanding" of other people; what is important is that you are taking are of yourself and setting boundaries, and keeping them. I do fear that your willingness to still travel to aunt on Saturday and Sunday when it's five hours away and you must have your own life to address on your days off may just be enabling the unrealistic actions of aunt and her daughter.

Best out to you. Keep setting limits and living your own life.
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Thanks Alva. Actually my cousin is not my aunt's daughter, either. Aunt doesn't have kids.
You may be right about the visits. Work is stressful enough, and I do appreciate my weekends to wind down. I still want to visit her one Saturday, but will not make it a habit. Thanks for your always thoughtful words.
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Ah, so this auntie is childless? What a pity the cousin couldn't have worked with you to brainstorm ways to convince her to move into a more suitable environment rather than acting like a a$$.
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Sorry but if the neighbor wasn't "helping," then maybe the aunt would be more open to talking about going into a facility. It's no different than Mid's situation or others where one sibling is propping up the parents so that they think they don't need placement in a facility or refuse to go since daughter or son or whoever picks up a bulk of the daily chores and errands, etc.
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Aunt needs to go into AL. The home care scenario is not working. Cousin is burned out and is trying to get someone else to do the job. I genuinely feels sorry for them. They are finding out the hard way that home care does not work. Neighbor is filling in the holes, but unless they are doing this as a regular job, it is not really right to expect a neighbor to handle this home care stuff.
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Aunt is unreasonable. We all know she needs to be there.
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Block your cousin as she will not accept NO as a complete sentence.

I do not believe that there is anything else that you can do. One cannot reason with an unreasonable person.
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So happy to hear that you no longer have POA for your aunt.

How on earth is your cousin comfortable with asking you to do so much for your aunt? Now she is chatting to you about a neighbor. What next?

Don’t become a puppet in your cousin’s show. If people would stop participating in her shenanigans, then isn’t it possible that your aunt would see the light and stop refusing to be placed in a facility?

The only thing that your cousin is accomplishing by satisfying all of auntie’s desires is prolonging the agony.

Your cousin expects everyone to jump through hoops, just to keep ‘auntie’ satisfied. Who gets everything they desire in life?

Everyone needs to tell cuz that they are no longer going to go out of their way to please auntie.

I bet that it wouldn’t even cross your mind to ask others to do the things that they ask you to do.

Plus, I am sure that you would prefer to see your aunt living in a nice assisted living facility.

Continue to have very limited contact with her and if she continues to be a pest, don’t have any type of communication with her.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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You resigned as POA.

NOW resign as cousin.
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Perfect answer!
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