Logically, it makes sense as it now takes him and/or brother to carry FIL in his wheelchair down the steps, and because MIL is cramming all their myriad medical appointments into the weekdays, when our weekend is.
But realistically, it won’t stop MIL from calling, even though he is confident that will happen.
I have writers block, bc I can’t really express the feelings I have toward his parents, other than total disgust. Every weekend and now the traditional ones are subsumed by them, and not just for necessity reasons. Long before they got disabled, I witnessed the MIL saying that the kids should wait on them, because that’s the way it should be. She gets off on it.
How about fire the SIL and hire a live-in caregiver for the parents?
Also, please stop playing the MIL's game. If my elderly parent or any elderly parent told me and expected me to wait on them, I would have two words for such people. One begins with an 'F' and the other with a 'Y'.
I'm sure you correctly guessing exactly the two words I would be using.
Every call doesn't have to be answered. The in-laws are paying a caregiver $70,000 a year to provide care to them. Their needs and demands are her problem not yours.
Based on what his mom said, it will ALWAYS be something. Maybe bringing this to his attention and making a plan will help him place and enforce boundaries.
I found that not putting up any opposition to my DH helping his family was far more effective then being angry that they were constantly taking advantage of his kind heart.
He eventually saw what was happening without my input and I didn't have near the stress.
Maybe making plans for yourself on his days off so he can be available as needed will jar him. You go have fun while he waits for mommy to summons him.
The.needs.will.never.stop.
There are posters who just expect that some charity will bail out their parents so they can age in place. Not around here. Lumber alone cost 2000. Mil reimbursed SO, which at least gives him the wherewithal to go spend another 1000-1500 at Home Depot for the railings and the paint and the anti slip.
Most often you will read advice to get out of the relationship and get on with your life! It is only going to get worse.
I just found a post of yours from January.
"My MIL has S4 non-hodgkins lymphoma. She was hospitalized for eight rounds of chemo, and four incidents of infection requiring hospitalization. Three months after going into remission, the cancer came back in her brain, meaning more hosps for chemo, high steroid use and daily radiation. Now she's on the list for Car-T, which again requires hospitalization.
She had functioned as the informal caregiver for FIL for years. He had a stroke when all of this was going on. They pivoted to full 24/7 home care, not just for him but for her.
An AL offers hot meals, housekeeping and maintenance-free living. You might well find that the AL can tend more to your needs as well and would be cheaper than finding a whole new place and then having to hire aides for yourself."I
They really need to be in a facility the help needed from your fiance will increase. It will not get better.
The driving chores became more acute of late 2-3 months ago after their falls and them being wheelchair bound, but it’s nowhere near that which it was at the beginning before they had help. The come over and sleep here, clean up cat box, that sort of thing went away when they had people they quote unquote trust to do it.
I actually fear the day one or both goes into AL, because then it’ll be like it was then but worse, incessant calls to bring them things, take them shopping, oh doggie made a mess and on and on.
They know it - but will shake their fists at the world & fight til the end. (I'm picturing elderly silver haired pirates.. )
They won't give up unless a mutiny forces them.
SO is not ready for that..yet.
But SO can feel very proud to have provided a functioning escape route. That is a HUGE peace of mind. It is more than a ramp. It is his ticket out!
When I stepped back, I felt very strongly about ensuring my LO would NOT be left trapped at home in an emergency, due to my actions (or lack of). (I was the key-bringer - night & day - for EMS access you see).
On my last attempt, an outside key was accepted. Then I had the peace of mind to step back.
Once this ramp is finished, SO has a perfect response.
"You have a ramp now. You can go out when you like".
Build up to;
🥪"You have a ramp now.
💩 No I can't do - whatever.
🥪 You can go out when you like"
Not only can the ramp provide an excuse of course, but it’s a huge safety improvement not just for them but the brothers, the Indy, and paid sil. Brother is a licensed general contractor who oversees building houses, so I’m reasonably sure this ramp is to code.
Their original excuse was that they were both falling so they needed one person to stay. He’s very vocal about not wanting to toilet them, especially his mom. So that’s what got him to drive until he figured out that this paid sil was very often not around. We suspect she goes home whenever for an extended lunch or smoke or cat feeding break. The only time she really can’t leave is when they have an appointment, so she’s enjoyed several hours off on behest of so already.
Brothers wife makes 70k, way above what he currently does, so that especially incents him to make her earn it.
After work, he went over there to install handrails. That plus sand strips is the last thing beyond cosmetic.
Its been almost five hours without phone contact. This is not typical, so I finally called his mom.
With almost an adolescent giggle, she said he had just left. That he’d been working his butt off. I replied that it was a safety issue that would enable their caregivers to transport them safely. Then two seconds later she was talking about how he had to drop fil up and apparently pick him up.
Yup, Beatty and others, I know. Magical thinking on my part.
But oh no, it has to be SO only, once she actually thought about it.
SO was angry at even the thought that I said even that to her. Even though he said he told them the same thing.
And I refuse to be sucked into how they can do this just because they’re old, or the ratcheting up of how they’re dying when in fact they’re the ones insisting on all these doctors and procedures to live.
You know and we know that your dear sweety is going to need to stick up for himself. "NO Mom I am not giving up my weekends. You are paying SIL to do a job plus an aide. That is why you have her, to fill in for the aide. I have built a ramp to make it easier for SIL to get you in and out of the house. If she is not doing her job, fire her and hire someone else. You and Dad have the money, use it."
He needs to learn to set boundries. There is nice and then there is too nice. I have one who tends to be too nice. Got to love them.
You say you refuse to get sucked in...I think you allow yourself to be sucked in every time you enter into a conversation with your in-laws about their care plan (or lack thereof).
I can tell you, if my husband was being treated by his family the way yours seems to be, and I entered into a conversation with my in-laws to try and protect HIS interests, and then her got mad at ME, that would be the LAST time I got involved with any part of this train wreck.
Your SO is never going to "cut the cord" so to speak, regardless of what he says. He has already shown this in his past actions. So, if you're not going to end your relationship with him, maybe find a way to live within those parameters, so you stop making yourself so miserable.
Mil not only demanded he take the dad over, she also expected that SO would sit with him missing more of actual work. He lost his covid card, so basically got stopped at the door of the hosp. However, she herself doesn’t plan to visit her h for his overnight there. If there’s more than one night, at least so has an excuse to not go. One day at a time, amirite?
The sil told him to get back in there. He said that this was where he drew the line and went back to the rails.
Im glad he has a boundary.
Going five hours without contact is a cause for upset, alarm and maybe jealousy? You are sucked in. And why in the world, would you call his mom?! Have you thought about co-dependency being an issue? Between him and folks and him and you? Are you each jealous of the time he spends with the other? Have you thought about counseling either couples or individual?
Your SO does whatever Mommy says. He protests weakly, then goes ahead and does it, anyway, Then you lambast him.
I think you really resent the money SIL is being paid. If your SO did, then he wouldn't be hopping over there all the time. He really just wants to make Mommy happy, because he can't change after all these years.
What's there worth to keep in your relationship with him?
The urgent business was literally dog food.
He talked to his parents and they said they’d be fine if he left, but that isn’t the point. Half the time he goes over there, she’s not even around. So there was no plan for their falls and their toileting. He won’t be their plan for the latter.
SIL returned early this time. That’s another thing she likes to do, command us for time and then hover. Well when she came back, the dog had gotten into the bathroom and pulled out diapers that were now scattered through the house. Sil started to go histrionic about having to clean that up.
He told her bye, he had things to do.
Is all this a problem for your SO? Maybe it is not yet...
But the the pre-ramp era was eating up all his free time & weekends, right? It seems there is everyday pressure to be doing & fetching.. ? This would drive me bananas!! Must have the patience of a Saint.. shrug & take it in his stride? Or does he blow up at home?
Tasks from my MIL are completely reasonable (so far) but when I saw the Mission Creep coming from a new angle (SIL) I had to act. I asked if he enjoyed working for his new 'Boss'. THAT hit a nerve! She is NOT my Boss. Oh?
Suddenly he no longer did anything on demand. But arranged if & when it suited him. Also suggested non-him alternatives. A little piece of F.O.G cleared (but not all).
NO to being bathroom aide is a good start.
Does he see the Mission Creep pattern now?
Once he is physically there, in sight, the requests roll in, tasks multiple & favours are conjured up. Mixture of actual needs (that could be delt with in alternative ways), lack of planning (aging memory issues) attention seeking (by the folks) & opportunistic (by the paid caregiver to slip out).
A common way out is Time Limiting. Announce "I have 30mins to visit" then deflect any extra requests onto the next visit.
I laughed at imagining SIL freaking out over having to clean up all those dirty diapers while SO left her to it. She certainly earned her pay check today and may think twice about leaving the dog and parents unattended on her shift.
He’s looking for a job with better pay and Monday to Friday. A lot of the issue would then be solved.
Just curious, why having weekends off will keep his parents from their demands of him...is that when the independent caregiver works?
I hope you're right about that but be prepared for MIL/FIL demands to just switch days. I doubt very much if THEY care whether he has Tuesday/Wednesdays or Saturday/Sundays off, it seems it's more a matter of they want him at their beck and call regardless of what day it is.
The Odd days off invite his family to think of him as respite care. When he drives dad, that’s at least a couple of hours in which sil can skeddadle to wherever it takes two hours to purchase dog food allegedly. You only have to worry about one person in that instance.
The point so was starting to make was that the issue is they don’t have enough help. Shopping, pto time—eight hours a week. Driving one and waiting is another eight hours. The point is, he’s not those 16 hours. He’s not respite, and treating him as if he is would be exactly like commanding the sil to change depends on her day off so the Indy can shop.
It was amazing how frequently my LOs paid carer was late/couldn't come etc on my weekend, public holiday or known day off. It was expected I would be emergency backup if no staff.
Then I found the service were calling to inform late or replacement & but LO was cancelling.. telling them "don"t want that time" or "don't want a different staff" not understanding you need to have some flexibility when regular staff are delayed or away. Also cancelled as perceived as "too expensive" on weekends. Told the service that "family will come instead". Played for a fool I was. No-one valued my days off AT ALL. I am still angry over this.
I had to plant my foot down with a hard NO. Sort out your backup plan. I am no longer it.