Everything I am and everything I have is disappearing into that black hole. My happy life with my family: my husband and my three children; all my hopes and dreams; and everything that I was: empathetic, compassionate, and patient, is being sucked in, never to be seen again. I tried so hard to do the right thing by her... and all I feel now is resentment welling up inside me like bile coming up the back of my throat.
I don't want to put her in a home. I know that that will be the end of her. But if I keep her here with me it will be the end of me. I can't pretend to be the strong resilient one anymore. It's starting to take a toll on my relationship with my husband and my children and, I never thought that that would be me. It's only been a year since she moved in and I'm at the end of my rope already.
I'm posting this because I just want people to know that if you feel this way too you're not alone.
I also wonder if women are typically harder to deal with in old age, regardless of dementia. Emotions rule my mom and the biggest effort is breaking through them with logic. I don't live near her but am always on-call for remote help, etc.
So, OurOldHouse, I can relate, I feel the same way! Hugs to you! If she has the money I would place her in AL, you deserve a life too.
Sorry, didn’t mean to hijack your post!
I am truly so sorry to hear about the relationship between you and your mother. A mother means life! Not just a woman carrying a baby but a mother! As life happens, our relationships change and our journeys grow longer. I don't know how it has been throughout your life but I'm sure your mother loves you and means no harm. I am a caregiver as well and have been for many years. I am fortunate to have a wonderful person that I care for. Yes, caring for someone can become overwhemling at times. The days can become long. Believe me, the reward for what you are doing will come. Try not to forget about you! Breathe just Breathe! Take moments for yourself! I urge you to look at taking some of the weight off of you. Go to www.trueconnectioncalls.weebly.com for a personal caring touch for Seniors! Good or bad, meet it with love!
It's up to you. But, you can do this. For yourself, your marriage and your sanity.
Have you tried adult day care for your Mom? Just a few days a week can be of great help. Or another suggestion is respite care, just 4 hours every week. I gather your desperate, so maybe an in home sitter for Mom when you need a break.
Its such a shame how often we read these 'cry for help' posts...isn't it?
My mom made us promise not to put her in a home. We said "ok mom, never!"
we were young, healthy & did not see a problem.. until..........
Both our parents got sicker & more needy. & yea, our lives got busier, we didn't see it coming.
I'll leave out the entire story, & just say, in the end our mom said "come get me & put me in a nursing home girls!"
3 weeks later she died. But she knew her end was near.😫☹
I am also a caregiver to elderly.
I've seen the destruction of families the fighting, all of it....
We all need to just do what's best.
Taking care of a needy parent results in:
No awards
No pay
No great story to tell
No fuzzy feelings from doing it
No perfect answer &
Your children & hubby will not understand fully.
Either hire respite care, if she has money, which is a break for you
Or
You will possibly resent her.
I just put my patient with dementia in a home & she was so happy...
She didn't fully understand it all,
but that's ok.
Never is it the end.
No guilt-free answer
I hope you can find a plan that works for the both of you and that you can maintain your relationship with your mother. She will still need you whether she lives with you or not, just not for everything. They took care of us when we were young, now I guess it's our turn to take care of them.
I hope you are able to get any help from the people here. Best wishes. ❤️ Lots of hugs.
ouroldhouse whatever it takes limit contact with your mother as much as possible. I’m trying to do it myself and it is hard but I think it is necessary and worth it.
On the journey, look at your companions. Those who listen, who can provide a shoulder to lean on, keep these special people close.
Those who can't deal, are awkward - if you can still share a laugh, have a meal, maybe see these people occasionally. The time-out/normal life people.
But those that drone on about their own issues, low to no contact. Or the type that ask 'how are you?' but if you answer more than a one word reply, they lose interest or rephrase as something THEY want to hear instead like 'oh, but you must be a little better?' Or like my SIL, who TELLS me - not asking "How's your Mum. Is she improving. That's good". Avoid them.
Take care ((hugs)).
I just read a very moving story in our local news highlighting the grief a caregiver has. Grief over the loss of the loved one they knew, although they are still here.
When outingings become too hard, then even social visits to the home, the carer becomes very isolated. While routine is what the care recipient requires, this is not a situation a caregiver can thrive in.
I believe this is the tipping point.
The stress is real. Emotional. Mental. Phyical. Depression creeps in. Brain fog. Fatigue. Illness.
Remember it is not about her or you. It's about BOTH of you. Please arrange more help for yourself.
I’m always “the a**hole“. I’m always the bearer of bad news, the one taking the brunt of her resentment and depression, and the one manipulated by her ever changing moods.
The latest chapter…
She’s in an excellent position to sell her house – all cash — and move into a beautiful assisted living community not far from where she lives. One day she’s completely on board, and the next she’s decided she is “not going anywhere“.
I put an incredible amount of time and energy into coordinating all of these things for her and I feel like a ping-pong ball.
I keep trying not to get sucked in, but I find myself angrier and angrier with her with each passing day. I’m fatigued. I’m stressed out.
And most importantly, I miss “my mom”.
my heart goes out to those of you who are dealing with all of this on the front lines. I don’t think I would have the strength.
I should be thankful she is at home, with care, and finally safe and clean – after years of battling. But I feel like this journey is just beginning.
thanks for helping me realize I’m not alone. Best thoughts to all of you ✨
Don’t fall down into the black hole. Fight with all that you have to save yourself. You’re worth it.
The years go by quickly. Make them count.
I finally contacted an elder law attorney to help me transition my mom into memory care. Even though the day-to-day has not improved with her (it's gotten worse due her inevitable deterioration), I feel like I finally have a path forward. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can look to that. It gives me enough relief from the stress of not knowing, that I can focus more on appreciating her again.
Thank you to everyone. I am sorry I did not check back here often and reply but please know that seeing all your comments really buoyed me enough to help me push through that dark time. I love and appreciate you all. <3
Best wishes to you.