My mother is a black hole, sucking everything I am into it.

So many people seem to think that if their parent goes into a facility, it will "the end of them".

If your parent is fragile and very ill when they enter a nursing home, that might be the case.

But, if your parent simply needs more care than can be given at home, if they are becoming querulous and anxious when alone, going into a facility with the right level of care can mean a new lease on life for them.

My mother went to an Independent Living Facility at age 88. She had mild cognitive impairment, unstable blood pressure and frequent panic attacks. IL gave her the best quality of life that she'd had since my dad passed away. She participated in ALL the religious services, developed an interest in the stock market through the "investment club" at the home and got marvelous, attentive medical and psychiatric care from the on-site doctors.

She had a stroke shortly after her 90th birthday and broke her hip a few months later. She survived the surgery (which we were shocked at) and we moved her to a nursing home.

I figured "this is the end". She lived contentedly at the NH for 4 1/2 years. Family visited often, we moved Thanksgiving and Christmas to a big room made available for family celebrations. She got to meet 2 new great-grandchildren. She had a decent quality of life there and neither of these moves was in any way "the end of her".

So, stop letting the idea of placement be a dead end and start researching.

"I don't want to put her in a home."

Maybe not, but you need to.

Your children deserve better.

This should be a post kept for all time. SO many have experienced something like this. Your description of a black hole is so apt: the bottomlessess, your own life being left as you are pulled further in.

What's that saying about being at the end of your rope? Tie a knot & hang on?

Please hang on.

I once said that my mother was a giant suck hole of need, your description sounds very familiar 😉
What got me to finally accept that things had to change was realizing that my burnout had changed my relationship with my mother in a very negative way, I began to doubt every positive memory and became increasingly short tempered when caring for her. It broke my heart to put her in the nursing home but despite the drawbacks they were able to offer her better care than I could give at that point of her life, and lifting the crushing burden of responsibility from my shoulders allowed me to regain some tender feelings for her.

While you may be posting just to let others are no alone, people are responding to try and help you. I read through your previous posts. Your mother moved in laslt summer, and this is from your profile:

"I am caring for my mother Earlene, who is 72 years old, living in my home with alzheimer's / dementia, incontinence, and sleep disorder."

You've written that you regret moving her in. Do you think you have no other choice than to continue as things are now? Do the women in your family live into their 90's?

Are you aware that up to 40% of the caregivers of elders with alzheimer's/dementia die before the elders they are caregiving for?

Are you an only child? (If so, how did all of this get dumped on you?) What does your H say about all of this?

You can change this situation. Too many people think they could never put their parents in a facility. I read where you are documenting your mother's payment of expenses for possible eventual Medicaid qualification. That is good!

Please reconsider and find another solution. You really deserve to have a life too. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Wow. I have felt everything you describe, and I am sorry for both of us. I too, would like to feel renewed compassion and fondness for my mom. A friend helped me realize recently that part of the resentment I feel is actually grief for the loss of the mom I knew and the loss of relationship. I think that is accurate, and admit I am struggling as you are. I would encourage you to try to find professional care for her so you can remain healthy.

My mother in law was/is that black hole for my husband and me. We decided that my in laws really aren’t
going to have a choice - - they had to go to a home. We did what they wanted for years, now it’s time to do what’s best. In my in-laws case a home really is what is best for them and level of care and oversight they need, but “best” also includes what is best for the caregiver and family life overall. Don’t feel guilty about home placement, especially when your heart and head are in the right place...don’t let feelings of guilt get the better of you. I didn’t think I had a light at the end of the tunnel, but then there was a turn of events and applied for Medicaid and they’re now placed “Medicaid pending” even though it could be nearly a year before they’re approved. We are slowly beginning to feel some weight lifted. Good luck to you.

You are both brave and honest in your words. Never think otherwise. Your quality of life, and your familys', is just as valuable as your mothers. I regret everyday the years I sacrificed tending to every hourly need of a narcissistic mother. I hope you may find the strength to set boundaries: It is not mean. It is necessary. My thoughts are with you.

I don't believe I've ever answered one of these questions but I feel compelled to answer this 1 because it is so much like my own problems.
Prior to Last year I was referring to my mother as the black hole of emotional need. Her needs were outweighing mine and everyone else in my life. Her anxiety was out of control and pressing relentlessly into our relationship with her constant demands and needs. She has dementia and a previously challenging personality to begin with. The decision to get professional help and place her in a facility that could better care for her made all the difference in the world for both of us. I hear everyday how she would prefer to be in her home, The visible change in her level of anxiety and the fact that she has social interactions now instead of isolating herself within home from the rest of the family ( Which created more resentment and danger for her physical self) is totally worth that price.
We could not afford to place her in a facility( Or so I thought) However after talking to the social workers and billing staff at several facilities and looking at her benefits and finally applying for my father's veterans benefits (that they had never applied for), we are able to make the monthly payments for her care.
I like you, felt like I was in such a rut that there was no way out and endured that for years. Please know there is a way out and you need to find it in order to find yourself again.

There are so many caregivers thrown into the role, and it just gets harder and goes downward in stages. I was a caregiver to some degree for many years, then after mom's last fall and rehab, they cornered me in the hallway of the NH she was rehabbing in one week before rehab was up, and told me she needed someone with her 24/7. I felt like I was being sentenced for an indefinite time. Then felt guilty for feeling this way. I went home and cried and then took her home with me where she became bedridden for nearly 2 years and on hospice. The hospice was a God send. I did everything I could to make her last months comfortable but lost my own life even more than before. She finally found peace, but just a few months later my SIL died suddenly, who was taking care of MIL...and suddenly my husband and I were thrown back into care giver mode without warning for 3 more years. In all I spent 17 years as a caregiver, lost the last of my "middle age". It has been hard remembering who I was before all this and I still suffer depression from it all. Now this Pandemic has put life on hold in a different way. Please seek some respite help and remember to take care of yourself, even in little ways throughout the day, small things add up.

So grateful for this forum. We may not be living similar details, but, boy-oh-boy, we are all living similar feelings. I had no idea the world I had been foisted into was being lived by so many others. Thank you for posting and keeping it honest.

I sometimes felt that way because caregiving is very hard and stressful. BUT I never regretted taking care of my mom. I took care of her for decades. The last five years were the hardest she required 24/7 care and not safe alone, but at no time have I ever wished her "gone". When mom died at age 90, I at least gave her a very comfortable life, surrounded by her home and she felt secure with love--and she was a extremely hard to care for. I even had to do a bowel schedule. I did it all by myself. Mom died 8 months ago, and I feel totally lost without her but I had to recreate myself in order to cope with her loss. I am no longer her caregiver but myself and I did not know how to think because every moment was centered on mom for years and years and years. At 59 I had to re-establish a job, going back to school...and to this day I miss her and would give my soul to the devil if I could have her back. BUT that is also selfish thinking because her ordeal of life is over and she is in forever peace...but even with the hospice nurse coming daily we never had to break open the "comfort pack" because she was always comfortable even without drugs. I got a feeding tube put in which was the last six months of her life--when she completely forgot how to drink thickened liquids and food was impossible and it kept her very comfortable she did NOT have to die of dehydration.

OTHER natural causes killed mom. She could have been a self-caring walking, thinking person she still would have died so it was NOT Alzheimer's that killed her. Ironic all those decades of combating Alzheimer's disease it was something else that cause mom to die. The feeding tube kept mom's body very healthy--and above all, comfortable. Dehydration can take 2 to 3 weeks and is very cruel even with narcotics. I spared her of that. I never regretted it. Every day I checked for residuals and I knew she was starting to die when she retained the tube feedings and only then I stopped it since her body was shutting down. So the feeding tube was very handy to have to gauge her body processes.

Mom is forever in my heart, and I thank God I gave mom a very comfortable, painfree life which was why she lived so long, despite her multitudes of chronic illnesses INCLUDING insulin-dependent diabetes. Despite the years of sacrifice I know I took care of her better than anybody else in the world, and I did my duty to her and respected my father's dying wish for me to take care of mom. So when she died I am at peace, NO regrets, NO guilt. Oh I had mom on hospice for two years. I basically used them for routine labs and her medicaitons which was lopresser and insulin (that was it), and a multivitamin. I revoked her hospice for the feeding tube, and put her back on hospice on discharge from the hospital. It was all good! She never had a problem with the feeding tube to the end. However, note the feeding tube requires a LOT of care in itself, and I mean a LOT. But mom never had a problem with it. It only took a few minutes for the surgeon to get it in her in the operating room--he said those are easy to put in... and she was only in the hospital for that reason. Never had any complications, and she never messed with it.

This business of being my own caregiver. That's hard. Life is very hard without mom. Time does NOT make it any easier, but I learned to adapt to the situation.

I am so sorry..I understand..I went from a happy newly retired active lady to an all consumed life of my mothers needs. She {86 yr old} was falling into dementia and dragging me in with her. I gave up my activities piece by piece. Non stop MD and tests, never-ending pills, no ability to answer her own phone calls, no longer could manage money , me as her social life, and on it goes. Then Covid hit and mom escalated into a severe Unsafe confusion...that ended everything..she no longer could be maintained at home. At first I resisted this change but 8 weeks later...I am glad I sent her to a facility. I can now be her loving daughter..not her nurse and gofer.. she has lovely staff to assist her. She is starting to adjust well and I see her depending on them more. I doubt I will ever be the old me...watching her dying...slowly... day by day has changed me..but I hope to recover more of a life for me. This is the hardest thing I have ever done...You are not alone..Counseling has helped me..Good luck..

I am so sorry your feeling this way. I too have felt this same way. Have you thought about having caregivers( aides) come in to help you with your mom? If she qualifies for help through the state she may be able to get help for no cost at all. I don’t know what state your in but in mine it takes about 3-6 for the whole process. You may want to look into this. Your health is important too. Your husband and family need you! They have probably seen you spiral downward but don’t have the heart to really say anything bc they know your trying very hard to spread your love to everyone.
You need to take some time for yourself or your going to go crazy. If your feeling this way now, it’s just going to get worse. Your husband needs you and family needs you to be there for them. Please try to get respite care for your mom. So you can have time for yourself and your family.
I know it maybe kind of hard to have an aide come in Bc if covid but they can mask / glove up while in your home.

The aide can help your mom with all aspects of daily living. They can clean up her living area. Help with her laundry.If your mom is able they can also take her for a short walks.
This is just an idea. I know it’s extremely hard to take care of a parent. You can either look at this as a rewarding part of your life that you have the ability to be able to take care of her, or you can be bitter. Being bitter isn’t going to help your family or the situation your in. Please try to look at taking care of your mom as a pleasure. Remember she did this for you too. I know it’s hard and unbearable at times that’s why I think you should look into getting an aide to come in to give you a break. If you can get a breath of fresh air you may see things differently.
This is just a bit of advice from someone who has been there.
Take care of yourself.

Two related truths: one person cannot be the ONLY caregiver, without severe mental/psychological repercussions & real damage to the caregiver’s own life. If your parent lives with you, you become the only caregiver that parent wants. Your Loved One needs care; you also need a life. Proceed accordingly:
LO, I will see that you get needed care. I will be providing some of it but not all. I will do what I can manage reasonably, and that is all
I can do. I will not be the only person serving your needs; there will be others too.
<Left unsaid: ADJUST!>

I’ve been told here and learned that you have to consider yourself and your family life in this.
i put my Mom in an ALF, and honestly it was a relief to know that someone is always watching over her, and that I can take care of myself and loved ones.
her adjustment and responses in an ALF are up to her.
She can choose to be miserable in one, or she can choose to make new friends and participate in activities there.
placing her in an ALF will free you up to Just enjoy the times together with her, with no resentments.
it is hard to make decisions for our parents. Their care, as you know, involves far more than first realized.
be good to you, you deserve it!
even Wonderwoman needs a rest!

I feel you need to be educated about today's assisted living facilities. My mom's was the most luxurious place she had ever lived, and she loved it! She made friends and had many activities and educational opportunities. Her family visited often and we didn't have to worry about safety, meds, laundry, cleaning and diet. The facility handled it all! The cost was $2900/mo which she paid out of pocket. They even had a memory care unit and physical rehab area, if needed. She loved having her hair done weekly at the beauty shop and the on-site church services. Check them out - you will be surprised.

Oh sweetheart I know exactly what you mean we were in the same situation she was a narcissistic nasty woman I contemplated putting her in a home, eventually the social services got involved and I asked for help, they sorted out some respite for me, which involved her going into care temporarily, but eventually I noticed a bit too late may I add that dementia was creeping in and it was like looking after a child and it was destroying me mentally, my relationship with my hubby she was also a very ill lady and like you I was her caregiver I hated her, I hated myself, if it wasn't for my GP I would not be here today but even though I was filled with anger, hate etc. She died 2yrs ago and I was devastated I felt guilty because of the way I behaved and after all she was really just a lonely old lady. So I would say to you do what you have too before it destroys your life and your mental health, and anyone who doesn't understand why?! Ignore them they're not worth having in your life, you have to take care of number 1 because if you don't sweetheart then no-one else will, get the help you need and it will be a bit of relief for you and your family. Xxx all the best and you are doing a Wonderful Job. Xxx

Put her in a home.

My MIL had a rough childhood and grew up in a children's home until she was 18. Eight years ago, her husband of 55 yrs passed away. She was 100% dependent on him since the day they married. She doesn't have a drivers license, she never worked, she rarely cooked, everything was done for her by her husband.

Fast forward to today and my wife is now her primary caregiver. We moved her closer to us so it would be better for all involved as she didn't get many visitors beyond my wife catering to her every whim. She too consumed a large majority of my wife's time. My wife's siblings never wanted to be involved in her care.

The last couple years she exhibited symptoms of Dementia and back in October 2019, she had a major mental episode and had to go to hospital for evaluation for 7-10 days. She always said she NEVER wanted to go to a home again. But the doctors deemed her unable to take care of herself and had to go to assisted living/memory care facility. The place she is in now is very comfortable and nice. And after a few weeks, she did call it home. Not ideal but pretty good considering...

Dementia is much worse now and she is a shell or husk of her former self but at least she is getting the care she needs despite COVID-19 eliminating the face-to-face communication she desperately wants and needs.

The moral is that you can only do so much. Even on a plane, they tell you in the event of an emergency to take care of YOUR oxygen mask/life preserver first before assisting others. You have to do what is best for you in order for you to continue to be there for others.

try to find a way to be somewhere else to not be imposed upon you have a right to your own space find it if possible it seems like you are giving and don't want to. I'd try to find a way to express how you both feel . im a twin and I couldn't understand mother saying she didn't like us both together it intimidated her .years later my mother was aways giving to your face didn't like it necessarily but you wouldn't know

Think about your mom as she was before her decline. Is this the life she would want for you?
If you let this go on and lose your family, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.
There is help out there for both of you.

My mother passed away on March 29 at 91 after an almost 5 year battle with dementia/Alzheimer’s. The bulk of the caregiving was on me, one of two daughters, along with other caregivers. The few times my mother was in a facility was only for rehab and she did not fare well those times. I made the decision to keep her home throughout her journey. She had hospice at home for the last year. There were many bad times but there were also good times. I thought I would never have a life again. I slept there 3 to 4 nights a week for 14 months. My dad, at 96 is now living at home alone and I am now back-and-forth for him along with a few helpers. Yes, it is hard to dedicate your life to this. But I can assure you, I have not one ounce of regret that I put my life on hold for my mother. She was someone that was always there for her own parents and others. So now I’m doing this for my father. You know how the saying goes...This too shall pass. It does eventually. I still carry her in my heart and miss her so very much. There’s nothing else I can say to you which will help you to do the right thing. I’ve been told by a few people that I was my mother’s angel. I don’t look at it that way. I just knew In my heart I had to because she was always there for me. Best of luck to you In whatever you decide.

We hear you loud and clear. This is so common. Big virtual hug.

Now...let's get our heads screwed on right.

1. A home will most certainly NOT be the end of her. I thought the same thing. I was told by someone wonderful at the Council on Aging that my mom would adjust. She did. Visit some places. Talk to the staff. Ask their advice and ask for help with the transition. You'll be pleasantly surprised.

2. No, none of us are alone in this situation--but then we are alone in the house with them. So, GET OUT! Walk, run, bike, job, Get buff! Caregivers need to be strong. It sounds like such a cliche but start anew hobby. Read. Sew. Knit. Embroider.

3. Remember this--caring for the aged is LONG and SLOW. It goes on and on. My mom has been in a home for about eight years but I have been caring for my husband for ten also. He is still home and I am the cook, shopper, medicine woman, manager of Everything. I loathe support stockings. You have to change something in your situation to make it bearable, even enjoyable if you can. This is the long haul, believe me.

Keep in touch. Good luck!

You have not said if your mother is difficult and ungrateful or if care taking and lack of privacy are just too disruptive. Either way, if you resent this situation too much, you need to find a facility for her.

Oh, you are sooo not alone.  Do not feel guilty.  Taking care of another adult is mentally and physically exhausting.  I have read some of the other responses and I too placed my mother in assisted living.  There are some beautiful places now and offer much more than we can in our homes.  Beauty salons, podiatrist visits, socialization with people their own age, etc.   I visit regularly and still manage her finances, wash her clothes, etc.. but it is less stressful than being with her 24/7.  Maybe you could look around and see what is available in your area....

Take care.

I’m glad I’m not alone. I feel the same way about my mother. Out of 3 siblings, I’m the main care taker. My mother is in AL, but will have to move soon, due to finances. She doesn’t acknowledge anything I do for her and will argue with me about everything! I try to keep in mind that it’s the disease (Alzheimer/dementia), but it doesn’t hurt any less.

Thank you for posting your feelings. It’s important to get them out. You’re not asking for advice, but I agree with IAmAmy... think back before her decline- would she want this for you?
You might surprise yourself if you put mom in assisted living- she would make friends, have others to relate to, activities. And you could find your way back to happiness. It could be the best thing you could do for her and your family!

Hello ouroldhouse. Thank you for sharing. As soon as I read the first line I immediately knew what you were experiencing. I too have a black hole parent. Many on this forum do. I have been caring for a parent for 13 years but not in my home. My parent still lives in our family home. She cannot take care of it. So I do. She cannot take her meds correctly. So I have to monitor that, daily, she cannot cook for herself, so I do. She cannot drive or organize her needs, so I do, she cannot do her banking or bill paying, so I do. I could go on but I’m sure you get it. Remember I said 13 YEARS. I have had many health issues since taking care of my parent. It’s all stress related. This is a ridiculous demand on one person. It’s easy for others to say they don’t regret it. But their time is over. And who knows how extensive and demanding their parent was. You can’t compare situations or experiences. Each one is so different. For me, I will never have my mom in my home. Many Assisted living and independent living facilities are beautiful. My MIL was very happy and adjusted quite well after a few weeks. So please don’t continue to submit to this. You deserve a life. Your husband deserves a wife, your children deserve a mom.