I find it hard to fathom that my 88 year old mother could be so mean, manipulative, judgmental, intrusive. I now see a side of her I did not know existed to this extent. The boundaries are skewed, she will open my mail and read it, listens to any and all convos. She will jump at the opportunity to try to belittle me, lay guilt on me. She blames me for just about anything that is not right. Example- dining room light switch not working. I discovered it,so therefore I broke it, I have forgotten to mail letters or lost them, never get it right at grocery store. I fix her a hot nice dinner every night guess what? No gravy? Meat is tough, vegetables undercooked, food is cold. Laundry is gray, not white. Nasty nasty. No she has not been diagnosed with dementia. I am seeing that she likes to belittle me and then hope I will squirm. Sounds ridiculous but the woman can get ugly.
I live with her, take care of her. I am really starting to dislike her. As soon as I express my displeasure or ask her why she is so ungrateful she blows me off, feigning ignorance. Extremely HOH, has had many falls and was very sick recently. She is recovering and I take full credit for weeks of caring for her in all the ways she needed care that you readers all know about. Because she is my mother I hold my tongue but am getting ready to blow or else go go go. Not sure where I would go any where but here. I am trying for the first time in my life to put myself first. I have been a caregiver all my life, ( retired RN) and this toxicity is poisoning me. And I'm not going to let it.
Any words of advice on how to handle this dua ersonaity( sweet cute little grandmother/ nasty b*tch).
Something bad that it does is makes us shut down emotionally when it comes to them. This morning I told my mother I was going to get a ladder. We need one. I didn't think anything about it until a few minutes later she came into my room with her face twisted with anger, saying "No, no, no.!" She lit into me in the most hateful way. I just watched her like the crazy person she was. Finally I said that I was going to spend my own money, so what did it matter. She said that no, I was not going to spend my own money, that I had to save it. Huh? Oh, brother.
At one time this would have upset me greatly. This morning was like meh. The trouble is that everything about caregiving is becoming like meh. I just go through what I'm supposed to be doing without much in the way of emotions anymore. I don't blame myself for this, because I realize that my life would be miserable if I didn't. It feels terrible when family caregiving becomes like a job with no pay. I envy people who have sweet, loving parents.
So... my advice is to install a reset button for yourself and to learn to pull back when she gets angry. The anger really isn't about you. It is probably some rumination going on in her head. When she gets angry and your bp starts to go up, just step back and let it slide off of you. You know that it is her and not you, no matter how she tries to convince you otherwise.
(Sorry for the feel bad message. Caring for an abusive parent is not always the most pleasant thing.)
Was she like this before, but perhaps you weren't the victim? Was she manipulative with your dad? Siblings? In-laws?
You say she hasn't been diagnosed with dementia. Does she have any other signs that something is going wrong in her brain? If this is truly new behavior for her, dementia would be a suspect. Other conditions could also cause this. What are her other impairments that require her to have a caregiver? How recently has she had a complete physical? I think I'd start there if I were you. Don't tell her it is because of her behavior! The clinic wants a good baseline exam of all their regular patients over age 85. (Or any reason she might accept.) Put your concerns about her behavioral changes in a note to the doctor before the appointment. Knowing what is causing this might not change anything except your understanding of it. But that is worthwhile.
Eddie is right that parents can be experts at pushing buttons -- generally parents are the ones who installed them. And JessieBelle gives good advice about a re-set button. I also suggest just disconnecting the buttons that are causing you the most pain. If anyone wanted to push one of my buttons they'd say, "the vegetables are cold" or "no gravy?" or "this is a waste of good chicken." Insulting my cooking is fightin' words. It would be very hard, but if I had to disconnect that particular button I'd say, with forced cheerfulness, "Hmm ... my veggies seem hot. Should we trade?" or "Pretend they are the salad tonight, Mother," or "Do you need help rewarming them in the microwave?" Or "So sorry, you didn't mention you wanted gravy when we talked about the menu," or "I'll eat the rest of the chicken dish myself. Would you like cottage cheese for dinner? How about a bowl of Wheaties?" or even, "Oh, Mom, I know how you feel! I used to hate when you tried new recipes! But I won't make you clean your plate. There's some meatloaf from last night if you'd rather have that." In other words, I'd try very hard not to take it personally, not to get riled, and to offer an alternative to her, just as pleasantly as could be.
Is Mom able to prepare meals? Help with grocery lists? Planning menus? I'd try to involve her as much as possible.
I'd try to laugh at mom's ridiculous accusations. "Wow, what power I have! I turn on a light and it breaks. Must be my magnetic personality!" (And I'd also take note of the lack of logic she is exhibiting.)
But none of that is easy. I suggest you deserve some counselling or therapy yourself, to support you as you deal with these behavioral problems of your mother and/or support you in a decision to resign from caregiving.
By the way, IF your mother really needs full-time caregiving, I would advise you against just moving out without notifying anyone. Tell your siblings. Tell her doctor. Give a week or two notice so some other arrangements can be made.
On the other hand, if she is capable of living alone, if she really doesn't need a caregiver and you are simply her volunteer servant, then simply moving out might be more acceptable.
You are NOT required to continue in the caregiving role. The longer you stay in it, the harder it is going to be to leave. Do you want to do this for another 10 years? But I suspect that even if you hate the role, you still love your mother. Respect yourself with the least damage to her. You'll feel better about it in the long run.
I'm sure that does not make the whole ordeal of all that negativity less toxic. But at least you know you are absolutely right ... it is not anything you are doing that is causing this negative behavior.
Have you discussed her extreme negativity with the doctor who treats her Parkinson's?
What often puzzles me about these situations is how/why the daughters or daughters-in-law stay in life-sucking role they are in. Wouldn't everyone be better off if Mom were being cared for by people who were trained and paid to do it, and who only dealt with it 5 shifts a week and went home everyday to a more positive situation? What if you were the pleasant, loving, visiting daughter, who could leave if the air got too toxic?
It is easier for me to understand why some old people get so toxic than for me to understand why otherwise healthy and normal daughters saturate their lives in this.
Anyone care to take a stab at explaining it?
See the thread here on AC about emotional abuse.
I don't know why daughter in laws stay in such toxic situations.
I can't tell from these brief glimpses whether Joaniej and sulynn49 were really groomed for this role since childhood, or whether this is a condition that arose in their parents' old age.
I meant to write see the thread on AC about emotional blackmail.
My mother has always been self-centered and difficult. She is a person who is generous with others, but not with me. I thought about the ladder thing from yesterday and knew that if my brothers or even my nieces and nephews had asked for a ladder, she would have given one gladly and asked if they needed more. But with me it was NO, not even if I wanted to spend my own money. It was this way with clothes, cars, college when I was growing up. This was not good when I was a teenager, since it made me feel I wasn't worth anything, but it is nothing much to me now. We need a ladder, so we'll get it.
When we grow up with these things, we know what we're working with. If I had to guess what it is, I would say it is intra-gender competition with her daughter. It is probably really bothering her that she is so dependent on me, so she fights back. I am not going to be able to change that, so I just work with it. I never feel guilty if I have to leave her for a day to stew in her own misery. I don't feel obligated to make things right with her. I do feel obligated to make sure she is fed and has her medication and has a sound roof over her head. I have a plan in place for her care, and unless it gets totally unmanageable, we'll stick to the plan.
I look at other people who are caregivers for unpleasant people and wonder if it is the same for them. I think the FOG model may be totally wrong for many of them. I think that a sensitive and tough model would explain it better. There is a job that needs to be done and it may hurt doing it unless we pull our emotional selves out of the fray the best we can. It is not the best of circumstances, but it is not one that is caused by the caregiver.
One thing that concerns me about the FOG model is that we may be telling people to quit or to do things that are out of character for them. Providing care for a person is a good thing, even though it is rarely pleasant. I think it takes a lot of character for a person to face it. When someone is abusive, we do have to set some strong boundaries to protect ourselves. That makes it a real chore and it does suck much of the joy out of life. I have a feeling that the caregivers who remain are not weak, they are tough. I got that feeling from the two caregivers who posted in this thread.
It's all about control and narcissistic supply. Once you cut off the supply and pushing buttons doesn't work any more they fall apart, get weepy and threatening, anything just to get back at you for forgetting to put up and shut up, jump through hoops, that you're worthless, nothing more than a servant who can't do anything right to be used and abused at will.
Took me over 60 years to realize it. These days I ensure she has all she needs at the NH and that her bills are paid but, other than that, I've pretty much walked away for the sake of my own health.
The only way a narcissist can survive is with a slave plugged in. That just shows how dependent and weak they are despite all of the smoke and mirror shows of power. They do want to hoover us back in, but we don't have to dance with them again.
I've glad you are taking care of your own health and that the NH is taking care of your mother's safety and food needs.
1. I am her only child
2. I was raised to be responsible...no matter what the cost is to me
3. We live states away from any family
4. I finally realized that she has never made me feel like I measure up
5. If I put her in a NH? then I am a failure as a daughter/person
6. I don't want to see her hurt/unhappy
7. I learned co-dependency from her growing up
8. I have not completely broken my own co-dep cycle
9. I feel sorry for her
10. She is my mother, I do love her, and I have no choice...that I could live with
Yes, her brain is being physically changed which causes allot of odd behavior, but some of this stuff, I do believe, she could do differently if she really wanted to. She claims that she "can't help it", tells me that I 'will just have to be patient with her", and all the talk in the world will never convince her otherwise.
If I push back she will be very angry and then as a writer said, she will crumple, cry and become poor poor pitiful me as the song goes. I will definitely not feel guilt when she is gone. I will be relieved. The stupid, mean, manipulative dysfunction will come to an end and I will be free. I know In reality I would never just go. I am not that irresponsible even though with every ounce of me I would like to. I was feeling pretty hopeless last night when I wrote that. I have a very strong recently realized faith. I feel very strongly that I will be ok better than ok. There has been suffering( dysfunctional family stuff that would curl your ears). And the suffering is over, now it's making up for all those years of depression, shame, anxiety, substance abuse. It's over now and she is NOT going to stand in my way or try to keep me down any longer.
Thank you all for listening. No more hidden secrets.
I'm glad you found us and that you know that you are not alone. Keep returning to vent and update us on your progress. Feel free to tell the secrets. That helps them lose their power. I don't think anyone has lost an ear from listening to dysfunctional family stuff. That is particularly true on the dysfunctional thread.
I suspect this behavior really has existed for years - it doesn't just happen overnight since this is more of a control and manipulation than dementia issue, although it could be compounded by the dementia.
Perhaps it wasn't realized or it's become more profound now that caregiving roles have entered the picture, as Joanie herself kind of speculated.
Joanie's mother also has fertile ground in that nurses are predisposed to care for people. So Joanie, you're primed to be used by her.
I did some research on caring to the extent that it falls in the realm of being pathological, which unfortunately sounds so ominous. The research was done about 10 years ago; I can't find the links to the good articles I read at that time.
But the gist of it was that generally people in nursing and care professions are predisposed to caring to a higher level than nonmedical people - that's generally why they chose that profession But it can pass a boundary and become a greater need if not compulsion, especially if it turns into a situation that the carer can't extricate herself because of the need to continue caring, even in a toxic environment.
And that can happen to adult children who aren't in the medical profession; the research just suggested that some in the profession might be predisposed to it. However, I certainly don't think it's the norm but that family dynamics factor into the situation as well.
The obligation to care transcends the need to escape and be true to one's self; the caregiver stays in the situation despite wanting to extricate herself. And with a manipulative parent, it becomes even more toxic.
Joanie, it's pretty clear that you're unhappy if not miserable. I think it's also clear that your mother isn't going to change, so your options are (a) change your attitude (b) get out of the situation by making other arrangements. and you've already started on plan (a), so you're taking a first step.
Don't let her guilt you into relaxing your determination; this could become a battle of wills.
As a nurse you must know what this kind of long term emotional stress will do to you.
I think it's also important to recognize that you owe your mother the responsibility of finding care for her, whether it's you or in a facility, but you don't owe her the responsibility or obligation of martyrdom.
I hope you can keep the courage to move forward before the situation destroys you. Good luck!
my father abused my younger sister and I when we were young pre teens and teens. It was wretched. My sister blamed me years later, saying, why didn't you help me. I told her that I was just as scared as she and didn't know what to do to help myself or help her. We suffered terribly. And both of us have lived with the psychological aftermath of this trauma. My mother was clueless. He bullied the crap out of her, he was mean.he died in 2001. My sister did not go to the funeral. I didn't have the guts to do that. But anyway all these years later those secrets still reverberate. I look at my mother and resent that she did not save us. To this day she speaks of him and Zi cringe. Other siblings don't know what occurred. They speak of him with fond memories. He became a church elder and they all talk about him glowingly. If only they knew. So you see it's all a big heap of crap. I have suffered so much and now here I am still stuck in it all as a result of what he has done. So unfair, so twisted, so perverse. If I were to leave, I don't know what would happen. She has no money, he made sure to leave her with so much debt including an 80,000 second mortgage, minimal life insurance. She makes it monthly but just barely. So she couldn't even pay for a NH/ assisted living, doesn't qualify for medical assistance.
So when she gets nasty with me it really pisses me off. None of this is my doing. I just happened to be here when she started going downhill. My kids are on their own, I have no pressing issues not to be here to take care of her. I've often thought, what would she do if she knew the truth, the agony he put us through. But I envision her falling into a heap of old skinny bones and completely destructing. But I would love her to know the truth.
Sexual abuse is very sinister, extremely destructive and very likely way under reported.
I am sorry that you had to grow up in and with such a hell on earth plus seeing your mother bullied by him, which probably part of his strategy to keep her clueless, and yet resulted also in her becoming like him in some ways. I just have to wonder given how sharp a mother's perception is, if on some gut level she didn't know something was wrong, but she couldn't put her finger on it and his bullying kept her so terrified that she froze? We will never know. So, my asking that question is probably pointless.
The idea of wanting someone to see the truth that they have been living in another world trying to stay away from might make us feel better, but then I have to ask myself what good is knowing that now going to do now?
Some think that a person's whole life flashes before them right before they die. I don't know. But, I do think that people will know the truth at least right after they die. .
There are some anonymous support groups online for victims of child abuse which can be very helpful and supportive.
My wife and her sister were abused by their mother and her weak father was powerless to do anything. My wife shared with me about one day when he told them in private, "I see what you are going through, but I can't do anything" The poor man was as much a victim of his wife's abuse as his daughters were of his wife's abuse. Yet, I found myself marrying into that abusive family system. My MIL in her late 80s now talks about how mean her parents were to her, but she has no self-insight into her past abusiveness nor her present and they only reason she misses her dead husband is that he's not around to do for her which is her view of what men are for. I goes without saying that she does not like me, never has and yet use to demand that I call her mother for to her she was my mother now that I'd married her daughter. Over mom's final years, I finally began to come to terms with things about my own mom. In the process, my wife opened up and shared some shocking history that she had never told me before about how her mother abused her.
My wife has fought long and hard in individual therapy and group therapy to get where she is today and still is in therapy. This is why I encourage her that for our own sanity, we can't have much contact with the land of Oz, emotionally speaking, where her borderline queen mother is also the wicked witch of the west and poor Dorothy, my wife's twin sister, is so deeply enmeshed that's she's quit counseling, but maybe one day she's discover the way home to Kansas like Dorothy did in the wizard of Oz.
I wish you the very best in your own journey toward detoxing from the toxicity of your past and its continuing lingering in the present.
Take care!
That is a wise choice. At least you recognize the trigger of her making you angry produces the knee jerk desire from that pain to want to shake some truth into her as well as vent it out. I wonder if there is another way to direct that energy or defuse that bottom some? That's a timeless question.
My wife has used something called mindfulness which is something like when she feels triggered she diverts her mind to some already chosen pleasant memory and thinks about being there instead of where she is. I had a therapist who tired to teach me this. I had no trouble thinking of a very peaceful place to be, but I could never go there in my mind like my wife is able to do. I don't have that therapist anymore. I got the feeling hat she was trying to teach me something that is helpful but was not confident in how to teach it.
This may be an old, already tried idea, but have you ever written a letter to your mom after any of these times of your anger being triggered? I found writing a letter to my mother to be helpful which I burned after going over with my therapist. The sad thing about letters that you write and then burn up or tear up is that when you hit another layer, it's time for another letter. I'm just wondering if there may be some ways to redirect stuff for your own benefit when you hit those times when emotionally you just feel like giving your mom one of those eye opening moments of truth.
What about art? Some find drawing, coloring or both helpful. I think I'll stop thinking for the moment.
You are both strong. Keep up the fight to be addiction free. Keep up the battle to survive this deeply flawed world world we live in for giving up such a good fight is not a good option for us or for others.
Take care and do something nice for yourself today or at least this weekend.
It sounds as if you do have your hands full with your mother. You say that she has been diagnosed with dementia. I might read a lot about this condition, in order to learn about how her behavior is not really something that she has control over. It's quite common for people who have dementia to be unruly, resistant and even hostile. I've seen it before with my loved one. She was very nasty acting and we couldn't figure it out. It was later determined to be dementia. It is very challenging to care for a person under those circumstances.
Have you discussed her condition with her doctor? Sometimes medications for depression and/or anxiety can help their mood and make them happier.
I have read that with dementia patients, we have to let go of the idea that it is manipulation. Their brain is damaged and though it may seem that they are trying to push our buttons, they are ill and we have to understand that. If you feel that your mom is abusive and you are not able to stop that, then I would explore what other options you have. Is there anyone else who could take her? There are also Memory Care facilities and nursing homes that may be available.
Considering how upset you sound, I would certainly seek respite care for her immediately, so that you can take some time away for your own peace of mind. Have you been able to do that? Everyone needs a break under those circumstances. I wish you all the best.
Here's a link to an article about your topic that was previously published on this site. I hope it helps.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/dementia-behavior-manipulation-154554.htm
Denial of dementia is not uncommon. Even if your mom will not allow you to accompany her to her doctor's appointment, you may still send him information about her condition, so he can know what he's dealing with. Perhaps, he can't provide you with info, but he can accept it from you.
Also, if you mom's driving is dangerous, you can file a Request for Driver License Review with the DMV of CA. You can request that it be kept confidential and they will not inform your mom who made the requests. Sometimes the doctor does this. I think the form is DS-699. It can be found, along with instructions online. I would encourage you to be proactive about that, since she could end up hurting herself or innocent victims on the highway.