Newbie here. 93 year old mom recently in need of 24/7 care due to becoming a fall risk and mild cognitive decline/dementia. I still have a full house at home with 4 adult kids and husband. 2 oldest have been dealing with their decade long debilitating and untreatable medical conditions, which prevented them from going to high school and/or college, hence them also dealing with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts. Mom can no longer understand/realize the effect this has on our family. She has absolutely has no qualms about me taking care of her every need, what effect it might have on me, as if it is totally natural and expected, while my brother gets a free pass on any obligation to help.
Hired a 24/7 care giver in her own home. She has been through 5 now since Thanksgiving, they can’t deal with her bossiness and abuse. She constantly berates me and the caregiver, screams at us, tells us how horrible we are, to the point that I just no longer care what she says and minimize my time with her just to survive (been told I’m going to hell and called a pig, physically shoved and told to shut up many times) but the caregiver wants to leave. However, she can be sweet as pie to everyone else, so it seems she can control her behavior, but she chooses to rip into to me, her caregiver, her sister and my godmother, who avoid talking to her now for their own piece of mind.
Mom refuses a nursing facility, and how could I dare throw her into the street like that, how shameful and embarrassing for me to even consider it. What a horrible person I’ve become.... I am touring a facility and want to take my mom to show her how nice these places can be. I also want to be brutally honest with her and explain the situation, that if she keeps treating the caregiver this way, she will have to move into a facility of her choosing. My question is, is it right to give her this ultimatum, and to point out that she is able to choose how she treats certain people, or is this how dementia works? Is she truly unable to control these angry outbursts ? Are we victims of her abuse also her triggers? It’s embarrassing to say, but I cannot stand being around her, and I have to take her into my home every other weekend to give the caregiver time off. My husband resents her now because of how she treats me, but refusing to let her steal my joy has made me callous towards her.
Should I lay it all out to her? If not, how to I get her to change her behavior?
Have you talked to her doctor about her behavior? Has she been evaluated for depression and anxiety? Have any meds been trialed?
I'd start there. I would also stop taking her into your home. The caregiver is getting paid ( by mom, right?) and should understand that in dementia, this is sometimes expected behavior.
The next time she ends up admitted to the hospital, work with the discharge planners on getting her into a facility.
Your brother says he can't help with mother's care. What stops you saying you can't help with her care? He may be further away, but you're the one with the pre-existing commitments. How come you got left holding the (big) baby?
My MIL - Lord love her and bless her 'cos not many others are going to - also got "fired" by quite a few agencies before my SIL and her husband found one whose caregivers were made of sufficiently stern stuff; so I wouldn't despair. Are you working with an agency? - have you discussed the issues with their senior staff?
You are not responsible for your mother's behaviour. You are therefore not responsible for changing it, either; and you are right to put boundaries in place so that her behaviour does not impact more on you than can be helped. But the main argument against giving her an ultimatum is that it won't work: she won't think "gee, I'd better behave myself and hold my tongue or they'll put me in a home." She will just use it as one more grievance to batter you with. And that's even assuming that her dementia is not busily destroying her social filters, which is - yes - a distinct possibility.
Why should you be embarrassed to admit that you are not inclined to spend more time than is essential with someone who is consistently abusive and unpleasant to you?
Crikey - I've just realised that with the weekend visits your situation is almost identical to my SIL's, and this post is almost a reprise of the conversation I had with her on Monday. And similarly, I'm still exploring the issues with her. What SIL *should* do is make herself scarce - but that is never going to happen.
What was your mother like before?
My mom was kind and helpful in the past, always helped with my kids, but also critical and controlling. She sabotaged my relationship with my in-laws with vile gossip. I was young and thought mom knows best. 10 years ago or so, I stopped asking her for advice, because I realized her advice almost broke up my marriage more than once. Always has an opinion about my hair , clothes, furniture, kids hair, beards, clothes, girlfriends... always cared about what others thought. So what will people think if I put her in assisted living. Everyone lives with their daughters, she tells me. While the reality is that only 3 friends live with their kids. The rest, dozen or so, are still on their own or in some type of housing. She is very jealous of her sister who lives with her daughter. My aunt does not have dementia, but my cousin has told her that if it comes to the point that she cannot take care of her, my aunt will need to go to a facility. My aunt said she is ready to go now if needed.
My my mom has been on Xanax for 20 years. Doctor mentioned antidepressant but she is so sensitive to meds that I’m afraid to start with her. She will blame all her symptoms on the new pill and refuse to take it. But I’m will rethink that one.
However yesterday I had a few moments alone with the caregiver and it seems mom is not happy and gets agitated about coming to my house. She complains about packing her pajamas and hairbrush, she gets the day confused and is ready two days early. I thought she enjoyed being in my home with her grandkids. Apparently I was wrong.
Caregiver has has asked me to tell her to stop attacking her for every little thing. Caregiver doesn’t think she can take it anymore. Just yesterday mom needed a battery for a clock. She called and asked me to buy one. I asked what kind. She ranted and raved because the caregiver put the battery somewhere and mom couldn’t find it. Mom put it in her purse. I heard the whole thing on the phone and I couldn’t live like that myself. The caregivers health is suffering too.
Sorry. I know I’m just venting here, but unless you live it, you just don’t get it.
It's the "everyone lives with their daughters" comment. That's exactly what my MIL tells my SIL. Funny, because when it was my SIL's MIL who needed looking after, my MIL was adamant that no woman should EVER move in and be a burden to her children...
Not that I didn't agree in that particular case.
I'm glad you are touring facilities - have you seen any you'd like to shortlist? Do not set yourself up to fail by hoping she will agree that they're lovely and she can't wait to move in. She is not going to agree, because she does not have a rational agenda; she wants what she wants, and she won't budge, it's a point of principle. So you develop a plan that will in fact take care of her wellbeing no matter how rude she wishes to be about it. Complaining can be recreational too, after all.
An antidepressant is not going to do anything to a person's personality; but if the doctor has recommended this change because your mother's behaviour is badly affecting *her* quality of life then I wouldn't second-guess the prescription. Talk it through again with the doctor if you still have concerns.
Brother who's too busy with his sore knees and his art class to have her to stay... What, then, is his idea about how best to manage mother's care? Has either of you got power of attorney, by the way?
Um. There is nothing callous, you know, in rejecting a hurtful and inaccurate accusation. Your mother's saying you're throwing her onto the street, you're a terrible daughter, you're horrible, etc. - she is angry, that's true, but the accusations are nonsense and you are only right to let them bounce off you. It's no more callous than it would be to move out of the way when someone tries to punch you because he's drunk or upset.
And you don't have to be brutally honest. What about just, honest? What about the - I'd have thought - uncontroversial statement that you wouldn't take insults or shoving from anyone else and you're not going to take them from her, either? What about telling your mother that domestic employees are not paid to tolerate abuse and the contract will be terminated?
But if confrontation or criticism aggravates her tantrums, then don't bother with them. Do what needs doing without discussion.
Where are you getting these people?
So I contacted my brother and therapist SIL, that they need to mediate between mom and caregiver, and teach caregiver how to handle mom’s behavior. He will also need to introduce her to the idea of assisted living and if needed move her there. Since I will be the one in daily contact with her if she is in an ALF and not him, (she never complains to him about anything) I also don’t want to be the bad guy for putting her there and have to constantly hear about it.
You are only a victim if you allow yourself and those you love to be abused by your Mother.
Hugs to you.
There is no reasoning with her
There is no use arguing with her
She does not "choose" who to be nice to or "choose" to be mean to
These are YOUR decisions that now matter, how to keep her safe, how to keep you "sane"
I do not understand how she has gone through so many caregivers. Does she "fire" them or do they quit. The caregivers or the agency works for you. Trained caregivers understand dementia and how to "work around things" Unless your mom is a physical threat to them they should be able to deal with her verbal outbursts. You just need to find one that is the "right fit"
If you find that an agency does not work out or private hire caregivers don't work out the only choice you have is a Memory Care Facility. Much different than a "Nursing Home" A nursing home is for skilled nursing care and it does not sound like your mom needs skilled nursing care.
If you can not find a caregiver or agency that will be able to deal with her you have only 1 option. Continue your tours, find a facility that you like, that has a bed, that will fit her needs and set up a move in date.
She will not understand your ultimatums.
With her dementia the personality changes come and the belligerence etc. This is common. It’s sad that some dementia inflicted are mean and some are sweet. Your mom may calm down if she gets in the right facility. I hope you are aware that you absolutely can not reason with dementia!! And you don’t give choices because they can’t make good ones. But your question on how you get her to change is answered simply.."you can’t " because you are dealing with the disease and how it affects her brain. Try to remind yourself of that when you see her, it will help. Threats will not work.
Do you have DPOA? Has her state been diagnosed by a physician? Then you might be able to make the decision to move her. There are some ALFs that have respite rooms where you could drop her off to stay for a couple of weeks while you are out of town (use a therapeutic fib here if you stay in town). Tell her while you are between caregivers this is necessary. You don’t ask her if she would like to, you tell her this is what is happening. Remember, no choices! Then she may find out it isn’t that bad and you can move her there if there is an opening. Better to move early in the dementia for better adaptation. With mild cognitive decline she should be accepted. Then be sure the facility also has MC if that is needed later on. And be prepared that it can take 3-9 months for most to adapt to a move. They will often hate it and want to move out. Don’t capitulate. Stand your ground.
Watch Teepa Snow videos on handling their dementia and read the book by Paul Chafetz called Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents. It’s a quick read but full of valuable tips. He is a psychologist who counsels people like us.
this is not an easy road but learn how to handle this disease and read all you can. You have enough on your plate. Good luck!
Move away from the train wreck. If you are in charge of her finances, an ALF is the way to go. She’s safe and you keep your sanity.
Environment is everything
Approach and delivery in your conversations is everything
Empowering her is everything
I am a mental health professional and I suggested to the dr . A dose of seroquel
im the Am and and in the PM as it is a mood stabilizer . She is also on a small dose of Prozac which is an antidepressant . Miracles came ! My mom is the most pleasant and cooperative at peace individual . Not groggy and stoned from medication . LIFE IS GOOD !
It’s time for a family meeting w the focus being on putting your mom in assisted living if she cannot take care of herself.
My mil has been w us 7 years. All of her children wanted her in assisted living so we ended up taking care of her. I think my husband is finally beginning to see the light. I realize he was stuck w her cause that’s what he chose.
She tells people in her mobile home park that I’ve killed 9 people with cars, yes she says cars. and the government is looking for me, and then says I’m in jail and they cut my legs off, and there gonna take her to see me. She claims I’m trying to kill her or poison her. The other day she told my husband I’m drinking heroin.
its some pretty ugly seedy stuff, and even though I know she’s out of her
mind it’s pretty difficult to deal with.
My sister is going on 7 weeks of refusing to take her medication.
ive not been able to get into her house or be around, because in her broken brain I’m the evil one.
i could go on & on but I realize your here for answers to solve your immediate problems.
Just know it’s not you, your the caregiver who is getting disrespected by someone who more then likely has anosognosia.
Mother at 93 is having difficulties. Possibly behavorial situation.
Don't explain to her what you are doing. Get her a new gereatric doctor with dementia specialty, to evaluate her. Her incapacity to care for herself mentally and physically warrants professional care 24/7, as you said. An ALF with memory care sounds good. Your husband & family are first, then mother. Your guardianship may be needed. So, an elder attorney will help with this.
We have the same problem and she was always like this in past years. The dementia patient was always like this even in younger years. Get some professional help, your family doctor and he can say she can't stay at home and
suggest that she moves into care home. They know how to deal with this type of behaviour, Why are you bringing her home? You don't have to do this!
Go and discuss with doctor and let him do his job, they have medication to calm
her down and not be so hurtful. They can get violent and you do not have to be pushed, shouted at, do something now, get support asap, cause its only going to get worse. Been there done that.
Equally important is knowing when a person inflicted with dementia can make their own decisions/when to honor those decisions or step in and make the best decisions for them and family.
For 3-1/2 years, I worked with a woman who expressed all her decades (7) of anger at me. I was her care provider. No other family in this state, which really was one sister and they did not get alone well.
I had to learn to give her choices, such as (and this may not be appropriate for your situation):
* Saying "this behavior is unacceptable and inappropriate."
* I will give you xxx (from 10 minutes to the rest of the day and leave for the day) to cool down.
* If (and when and I did need) reinforcements to do something that was in her best interest (when she refused, stomping her feet like a child), I had to call in the social worker. This was in a multi-level senor housing development so I did have ongoing access to professional support there. This client insisted on using a plastic garden chair at her kitchen area / table. She'd 'jump' the chair back to get in or out of it. Some times the chair would get caught in the carpet and she almost fell backwards. I had to get her a new (furniture consignment store) chair. Before I could do that, the social had to come in and assess [after I explained the situation] and tell her that the chair she wants to use/keep is not safe. Client felt 'defeated' with two of us agreeing, and from client's point of view, somewhat ganging up/attacking her position. She fought to the end even with the Hospice social worker and nurse (not wanting overnight care. They convinced her to 'try it out for a week.' I took the first overnight shift; she died the next morning. Before that, she awoke at around 3am and I got up and she said "I'm so glad you're here." She died at 10:30am.
* For other situations that would come up regularly (involving rage and ranting at me), another social worker with decades of experience said I needed to write a contract. I said I did this initially. She said "Oh no, you have to do it for each infraction, each time it occurs. Write it up and explain that it is inappropriate / unacceptable behavior, etc., and state my position and what I will do in the future, should that behavior happen again, and have her sign it. I did this twice in one year (I did not want to write up every little thing). This actually worked - often for 2-4 months to avert the specific unacceptable behavior.
* One needs to get their 'troops' in line / support. Have a clear plan and stick to it. If one wobbles, the person with dementia [may be able to and/or] will see this
I realize it is different working with a family member. However, I do believe all family members need to be considered and the overall needs of the unit when making a decision. Gena.