My older sister (she is 76, I am 72, Mom is 108) and I share taking care of Mom in her home. Sister lives in the same town, I am 900 miles away, but come every 3 or so weeks, stay for 8-10 days so Sis gets a break. Been doing this for 5 years. But Mom wants me and my husband, plus married daughter with 2 kids (who needs me to help with child care), to pull up stakes and move to her neighbor hood so she can see us every day, and I can help care for her so my sister does not get worn out. I am unwilling to do that. Her reason: that's what a family does...stick close. For most of her life her family lived relatively near each other and now she expects the same.
Who's right? Am I truly that selfish to want to maintain my life, home and family (which I have built for 45 years)? Or is my obligation to live up to her expectations? We tried getting in a part-time caregiver to help Sister, but that was a "stranger", not family, and thus unacceptable.
My guilt and anger is reaching a breaking point. Because I won't do what Mom wants, she tells me I should not come back because it's too hard on her when I leave each time. But I can't leave the care burden entirely to my sister, who completely understands and supports my position.
Now Mom is (once again) angry that I am leaving, crying, "What will I do if your sister gets sick or hurt?" Well, we have tried to get additional help, but she rejected that option. For her there is only one solution: I should come and live with her.
What do I do? Give in and leave my family? Let my sister deal with it? I feel catatonic, unable to please everyone.
At some point you will need to speak with your sister and decide when it’s time to put your foot down with Mom. It’s not easy, but it sounds like Mom needs to be told what’s possible and what’s not.
What your Mom is doing is that she wants to continue with her lifestyle but wants you, your husband, and your daughter and her 2 children to change their lifestyle, plus your sister who is the primary caregiver. This is the time that you quietly say to your Mom "sorry, I cannot possibly do that" and don't say anything more.
My gosh, both you and your sisters are seniors yourselves, with your own age decline issues. What is also happening is that your Mom still sees you and your sister as being in your 20's and 30's with boundless energy. Oops, that ship had sailed a few years ago.
Another thing that is happening, when ever an elders lives with a grown child or a grown child moves in with an elder, the child/adult dynamics return back to how it was back when the grown child was a teenager. The elder now is back into being the "parent" and you and your sister are just "kids" so what do you know :P
I worry greatly about your sister being in her 70's and doing all this work. Stats have shown that around 40% of caregivers die leaving behind their love ones. That is so very unfair, a parent shouldn't bury a grown child.
Time for your sister to try to set boundaries. Since your Mom refuses caregivers coming in, have your sister make up a list of all the things she does for Mom on a weekly basics.... now have her cross off half of those items... now cross off a couple more. And stick to the list. And have your sister also learn to say "sorry, Mom, I can't possibly do that" "I need someone to help ME with your care" "You need to hire an experienced professional caregiver".
Yes there will be major guilt and some very uncomfortable moments, but at least everyone is gets back a little part of their life each time. I wished I had known about that before venturing upon the journey of helping my very elderly parents.
But snakes alive! No, it is not reasonable for your mother to expect you literally to move your entire life and family back to her street. Of course not. You can be sympathetic to her feeling the need to have her loved ones clutched to her at this time of life, but that still doesn't mean you have to construct reality around it!
You will have to set boundaries as she WON'T.
Your mum is showing signs of stress or something more by being so agitated when you leave. Has she been evaluated recently?
If you could involve a third party like her doctor or a social worker, mum may take the news that she needs help outside of the family better. There is no way you and your sister should continue to carry this burden alone.
Some people have brought in an extra person to "help" them e.g. with housework and that has morphed into more help in time. It might be worth trying that.
Do let us know how you work this out.
Your mother is being totally selfish and unrealistic. Her preferences can not be allowed to dominate your and your family's lives. You and your sister need to join forces to set some boundaries with her. She needs to accept that she can either agree to outside help, or make do with less help than she would like.
I agree that you and your sister need to join forces and set boundaries with your mother. She's had way too long to call all of the shots here!
But none of her wants and expectations and fantasies require you to do anything. She is entitled to them, but they don't obligate anyone else.
Would she enjoy skyping with you and your family every week? Could your local sister help her with this?
If Mom needs in-home help (and I can't imagine that she doesn't) she needs to arrange for it and pay for it.
"What family does" depends on the family, their relationships, and circumstances. What family shouldn't do is have unreasonable expectations of each other or practice emotional black mail.
No, of course you should not pack up your life and move your entire family there to be near her, that is an unreasonable request, just your going there is an incredible gift to your sister, and one that we don't often see here on the AC, as normally the burden is placed all on one child of the parent to manage, and we all know how difficult it is! You are a gem for helping as much as you do!
Now is the time to get together with your sister, to come up with a new strategy, on how Mom's life can be better managed, and then have a sit down with the 3 of you, to discuss some workable solutions. Plus, MOM needs to get on board, before one or both of you burn out completely. It is very difficult for parents to understand that we too are getting on in years, and that our own health (or that of other family members) might be compromised with illness, arthritis or other concerns, jobs, kids, finances, as our parents still see us as perpetually young, which is silly in itself.
For now, continue doing what you are doing, and work towards new solutions. This stuff takes time, but I know you will because you are such a caring person!
Happy holidays, try to enjoy them!
Unfortunately, because of her anger and disappointment over my refusal to bend to her wishes, she makes my visits very ... toxic for me. Not that she doesn't make Sister's life difficult, but saves the real vitriol for me. (I am already out of the will.) I don't think I can bear to be there for Christmas this year, particularly with my grandkids being 5 and 2.5. I WILL NOT miss these precious years with them. Unfortunately, it is not feasible for all 6 of my family to go visit her at this time.
I read so many posts here demonstrating that my situation is minor compared to many others, so I take strength in our shared challenges. Thank you all.
no! And - get that thought out of your head, right along with all the undeserved and unreasonable guilt!!!
I looked after my mom for six years - the first two years included my beloved father.
Mom and I never lived together- mom was an extremely difficult and complicated woman and her and I under the same roof would have been a disaster even in her best years and on her best days.
My little house on the lake became my sanctuary- my place to regroup, recenter, re-everything. It was bad enough that in the last couple years the constant ringing of the phone was an almost daily intrusion- it was never anyone calling for anything - besides my mother and the dozen or so branches related to her and her care.
I honestly don’t think I would have made it those six years if it weren’t for my ability to go home and be with my husband and son.
I’m sure there are all kinds of documented reasons as to why - but it seems that at some point a lot of declining seniors are most willing and able to throw their grown children under the bus in order to continue to live as they want to live. Their “independence” is only possible through the sacrificing of ours.
My mom is so sweet, she would never try to make me feel guilty but she also was adamant about not having someone come in to help out. So, it mostly fell on me to take care of things. I finally decided I needed a backup so planned a two week trip away but also made a couple of appointments for Mom while I was gone. She doesn't drive, therefore someone had to take her. I set up with a caregiver to come in twice a week "while we were away". That worked out and after we came home, we just continued having that person come in. Mom did ask quite a few times, at first, if she had to have someone at the house and I just said yes. Now she's developed a good relationship with the person and they go out twice a week for lunch or whatever. She sounds so upbeat after those outings! Now that she considers Mary her friend, she doesn't ask about discontinuing the service. I imagine your situation is somewhat different but stick to your gut feeling about what you should do and you'll be much happier in the long run. Good luck to you!
The good book says, in paraphrase: "For this reason (marriage) a man (or woman) shall LEAVE his/her father and mother and live together with his/her spouse."
Uprooting yourselves in your golden years to live 900 miles away is so very complicated, expensive, stressful and so on, that it is beyond my ability to fathom.
Of course you should not do that.
Whether or not your mom is very lucid or only partly so, your moving is not in the realm of "proper" actions to consider for more than the blink of an eye.
If there ever was a time to "separate how you feel from what you do" this is that time.
Consider
What $ resources does mom have? If abundant, she can afford to have outside help come in nearly everyday.
Alternatively she could go to live in an assisted living facility.
Steel yourselves to the inevitable howls of disagreement from mom. (respectfully of course.)
It is my hunch that you will make no headway trying to reason with mom.
It is also my hunch that no matter what is done, mom will not be satisfied (and she is already not satisfied). So you might as well have it "your" way and you and sister figure out what can be done to lighten the load of the two of you.
There is no simple answer.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
I want to add that as a sibling you are being a great help to your sister. Far more than what most siblings are willing to do. You don’t say if your mom has dementia or not but I assume so at 108. Guess what..if your sister is sacrificing her time and health to care for mom...then mom doesn’t get to call all the shots!! Your sister has every right to hire help and mom will just have to deal with it. It’s amazing to me how we let parents think they can run the world and then ask favors as their children's backs are breaking. It’s about boundaries..what you will and will not accept.
Such great advice here! I have started keeping a list of responses and reminders so they are readily available when we are asked again (demanded) to adjust our lives so my in-laws can continue to live their “independently “.
On a forum yesterday someone wrote “look after their needs, not necessarily their wants”. Great one, huh? Now I can ask myself, is this “request” a want or a need? I ask myself that all the time when I want to purchase something, so why not in these situations as well?
Am curious, does your sister have other family other than Mom? Husband or children or grandchildren? YES, enjoy your family and don’t feel guilty. Sounds like your mom is a bit wistful of the good old days.
Best of luck!
Your Mom has lived a long, long life. Probably the way she has wanted. Now, it is your turn. This is how life goes. No reason to feel guilty or uproot your own family for her sake. Your turn to focus on your family and its well-being, while calling her (less visiting) and letting her know she is loved.
One question: did your mom do this for her mom?
Your mom needs to be grateful that her two daughters have taken such good care of her at home. Asking for more is just getting things out of perspective--a malady of our culture.
No way on the move. Mom wants to be closer, tell her SHE needs to move closer to you! Guilt can only work if you let it. Sure, mom is way up there in years and may not have a long time left, but she has no business laying guilt on you. Wanting you there is one thing. Demanding is another. Tune it out and fluff her off, say what others suggested - house is up for sale, cannot move until it sells, looking for a new home, etc.
As for the will, whatever. If that's the way she feels, so be it. The hassle and stress is not worth anything she would leave. Sister also has the bulk of work, so I would be fine letting her get it all. HOWEVER, my former MIL always threatened to take my son off her will because she demanded more visits, etc from him (he was probably 20-something.) I cannot say for sure, but I think it was just a threat. Unless you've actually seen this will, you won't know for sure! You say you have been doing this for 5 years, which means she was 103 when you started - how would she get out to make that change? But again, is cowing to what she wants worth any monetary gain at her death? Probably not!
What are your mother's ailments?
Is she very wealthy? Can she easily pay for help? Would she eventually be private-pay if she needed care in a facility?
Are there any other sibs?
Your mother is totally unreasonable. I feel especially bad for your sister...76 years old and the slave of a controlling 108 year-old on a daily basis? (Or is it not that bad?)