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I am devastated. My only solace is that she is with the LORD now. But I am really upset with my siblings as they did not take turns by her bedside - even though it was so clear that she was in her last days. They were not there as they went to do an errand - only one could have left my mom's side - but they all left - left her alone and several hours later she passed on.

What is hard for me is that I had sent an email out to my siblings as there are issues between siblings and they prefer not to see each other. I sent out an email to ask for schedules for mom's care (mind you, I am out of the country and was doing this via email and video conferencing) - so MOM would always have love near her as she progressed in her decline. And two of my siblings were very angry with me for asking them about time with mom. Now I realize - they didn't want to stay by her bedside. They did not want to be there when she took her last breath.

I feel guilty I was not there by her side. But I could not do so...

Oh, Mom, I will miss you dearly... and look forward to seeing you one day in heaven.

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people are going to react differently in such an emotional time. my mother was knocked out on morphine and liquid ativan for her last 50 or so hours of life. sis wanted to live out her bedside nurse fantasy and i was pleased to let her. i went and laid stone the final few days because mom was already gone if shes not to be permitted to regain consciencness. ( never could spell that word, im old, f**k that word. )
i was sitting at my pc late at night when sis came and told me the cheynne stokes breathing had ceased. i found it pointless to sit and morbidly watch someones body shut down. sis was in hog heaven but then sis is a freaking ghoul, imo.. a time to live, a time to die, then lets go have fried chicken and pie.
see what i mean? everybody is different, i dont want no gd chicken and pie.
(5)
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With the deaths I've been exposed to and her about this is not uncommon. Sometimes people do a deathbed vigil, but the ten minutes they are in the bathroom the patient dies. Some say it is because the person doesn't feel free to depart spiritually while there's someone there holding them here. Please forgive yourself, I don't doubt your mother knew and knows of your love for her.
(13)
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I don't think this is the time for even constructive comments about your siblings. I'm so sorry for your loss of your mother, and I'm so sorry you weren't able to be with her. As you say, she is at peace now, and in God's hands. Be comforted. Big hug.
(4)
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My mom and dad died within 6 weeks of each other. I had been the main caregiver even though I have siblings. I was find with that because it simply was easier for me to be there and I love my sibs. Both times however, I was out of the state when they passed and while the sibs were close by, they were not at the bedside. I also believe they could not depart spiritually with me holding them there.
(8)
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I'm so sorry for your loss.. As you said you will see her again. Hugs!
(3)
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Of course your heart is grieving, you have lost your dearest mother. She can never be replaced but she is at peace and I can only echo what others have said about the dying being alone when they pass. Try not to judge your siblings, they may have felt your mother's need to make this journey alone. I believe in spiritual communication. Blessings
(3)
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Perseverance - I am so sorry for your loss. Through your comments on this website I could read/ tell that you love your mother. You are a wonderful daughter and caregiver. After everything you have done for your mother I understand how upsetting this is for you. Your siblings let you down. Huge! If they did not want to be present they should have told you so other arrangements could be made. This is on them NOT you. You did everything you could, no guilt is yours. I am thinking your mother is proud and thankful of how hard you tried to keep helping her even when you were out of the country.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless.
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I think everyone is showing support here, and I want to ask you to read what Sunny wrote again.... It's strange but it really is true. I was at my dad's deathbed for 7-8 hours and when I finally walked away for 10 min for a breather, he had died. It might not have made a difference. She knows you loved her. xo
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I am not trying to push my beliefs on anyone, but I do want to add one more thing. Many patients before death claim to see their loved ones who have passed on. If you believe in angels, guides, etc., know that she was NOT alone. She was already passing into the other realm. There is no fear there. No fright, no lonely feeling. There's comfort, peace, and a warm envelope of love. That is truly the basis for many of the stories of death I have read. Take comfort in knowing she was already on her way and probably reuniting with her loved ones on the other side. Very much like us being in a dream. People awake are seeing us lying there, but we (our minds, souls, whatever) are far away doing something completely different in that state of consciousness. I'll be thinking about YOU today and try not to get into it with your siblings... you are already stressed at this point and no good can come of that. Hugs.
(10)
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omg, I feel for you. May god bless you, and give you peace. I wonder if I'm going to be in the same position soon, and I couldn't imagine how that has to feel. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. My heart hurts for you, really :-(
(3)
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Thank you, all, for responding... my heart is grief stricken.. it's simply so painful and heart wrenching. That being said, I was prepared for her passing... and we had the opportunity to see each other via video conference and she always responded really well to seeing me and hearing my voice - eyes wide-eyed and BIG, BIG smile that made me giggle out loud deeply... and this happened yesterday afternoon... My sister also had taken a video of her and it is precious as she looks directly into the video.. I made many happy memories with her in the last few years especially - so I am so grateful.

My mom departed without her loved ones around her... I have to accept that.

My siblings have to live with their choices... what is sad is that my brother was flying in from east coast - delayed 24 hours due to the severe weather - and mom passed just as my brother landed...

I feel so grateful for my time with her... so sad for MY loss (she's in a better place)... and sad that I don't have any family members to grieve with... my sisters have tried to contact me.. but they are not by nature comfort givers... I actually think they want me to comfort THEM and I simply don't have it to give... I have to forgive them for leaving Mom and not staying with her.. she passed away at 630pm... they had other "important" things to do... As was the case for the past several years of her declining illness.

I choose to forgive them - it will be a process for sure. They'll have their own journey to reflect upon...

This place was a huge blessing for me.. I have not been on in several months, but it was a very nurturing place for me to come and participate.

May God be with each of you in your journey with your loved one... may we all grow in His love.

Blessings.
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Perseverance, I'm sorry for your loss. I agree that sometimes the dying person will finally pass on when they are left alone for a few moments. When my mother was in nursing home hospice my dad had to be hospitalized for a TIA. He had been seeing her once or twice a day there. That was the day before Thanksgiving. I saw her through the early afternoon of Thanksgiving and she was unconscious. I had my sister (out of state) and my dad(hospitalized himself) talk to her on the phone so they could say whatever they needed to, and they knew that she couldn't respond to them. I left the NH to have Thanksgiving dinner with my husband. Just after I got home the NH called to tell me she had died. I have always felt that she needed the space from us "to go home". My dad took it the same way. It was harder for my sister who was far away and couldn't be here at that time. (That's why I arranged the phone call.). Some people want to be there, some don't, some can't. I believe the final moments mean less than a lifetime of love and caring. Sometimes when we release a loved one they are free. And we all have to cross the finish line by ourselves, with memories carried on in the love of others whether they are near or far at the that moment.
(7)
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Thanks, everyone, for your prayers and responses. I am feeling better now - and have an eternal perspective. God is faithful. Mom is with Jesus, and I will always love and miss her. It is well with my soul. I accept how she left this world - and that my siblings did what they could do - and they didn't have any idea when my Mom would depart. Mom was beautiful and responsive on the day she died. We even have a beautiful video of her taken on that day - and I am so grateful.

I pray each of you are comforted with your own situations and that God gives you peace and consolation as only He can. Sweet blessings...
(4)
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My sweet mom had a very large uterine tumor and terminal liver cancer. She was in a SNF for 5 weeks, trying to gain strength so she could come home. She did a lot of physical therapy, even though she didn't want to, because she wanted to come home and not be a burden - she wanted to be able to get to the bathroom on her own. After 4 weeks, a new doctor was coming by to see her and she became a little agitated and asked for some relief (they gave her Ativan), which seemed to make things worse, then 5 and then 10 mg of morphine. That night she became extremely delusional and angry, yelling that they were trying to kill her and that I needed to get her out of there. She stopped eating and drinking because the medication made her unable to swallow. After the delusions stopped, she was completely lucid, but the morphine made her very nauseous and she was vomiting a lot for about 24 hours. The next day she was in horrible pain (possibly the nausea from the morphine), so the hospice worker suggested 10mg of morphine boost per hour, as needed, while they switched her to a fentanol patch. That night, she vomited a couple of the non-concentrated morphine doses, until they switched to more concentrated sublingual dose. After 3 hours of 10mg doses she was still in pain, but it seemed to be subsiding, though she was still moaning. After spending all day trying to help her to be comfortable and listening to her beg for help, I was physically and emotionally exhausted and asked them to give her the 10mg every hour, and then went home, thinking she would sleep. That was 10:30pm. At 7:30am they called and said she was breathing very short. I was there in 10 min. but she was gone. They said she had been conscious and talking in the morning, and then passed, but I don't believe it. I can not ever forgive myself for not staying with her. I know that she vomited (probably alone) and probably aspirated. If I had been with her, she would not have suffered as much, and even if she died when I left to go to the bathroom or something, at least I would have been there through the night make sure she didn't aspirate. I will never forgive myself. I am in such grief, I can not function.
(0)
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Please don't beat yourself (or siblings) up about not being there. My mom just died on Monday; we were there but I understand that often someone dying waits until they are alone. And some people just can't handle being near someone dying; they imagine it is scary. Sorry to hear about your Mom; I am a mess after losing mine.
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Thank you for the comment Chemkrd. I am sorry for your loss. I would not have had a hard time being there when she died. I spent hours and hours and hours with her and just wanted her to be comfortable. I knew she was going to die and I wanted it to happen soon, so she would be out of her intense misery. I only regret not being with her to make sure that the proper meds were (or were not) given, and to have held her hand. She wasn't waiting until she was alone. The CNA's said they were with her when she died, and that she went quickly, but I know that the morphine she was given was too much and very likely caused her to aspirate, which would not have happened if I had been there. I'm glad she's no longer suffering, but I do believe that the drugs brought on her death much sooner. I just can not forgive myself no matter what anyone says, and I never will.
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My mom passed away 3 months ago. We got a call at 4am from the nurse saying my mom said she wanted me there she didn't want to die alone. My husband and I went to be with her. We were there for hours and I had already been up for almost 2 days. My husband insisted we go home and I get some sleep. I argued with him that I wanted to stay, but unfortunately gave in. She was on morphine and out of it, but when I held her hand she squeezed it. We kept calling the place where she was. They said everything was fine (the Dr. told me I had 3 days) and I planned on spending the night there so I did some errands first. She died on my way to see her. The night before she wrote me a note and asked why my brother never showed up. She was in and out of hospitals for 6 weeks and he never came. (He never came to the funeral either). I was there every day and yet I feel so bad she died alone and so guilty that I choose errands over her. How does one ever get over the pain, sorrow and guilt of loosing a mother.
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Kree8s, I think the pain fades, the sorrow is meant to be, and the guilt you have to treat as you would any other kind of mistake: learn from it what you can, then look forward.

I can also tell you that being there when your mother passes does not make saying goodbye easy. My mother has gone now and I wish she hadn't. That's all.

Your mother's note must have cut you to the quick. While I wouldn't dream of blaming her for anything, I think the effect on you is incredibly unfair. How could you possibly answer her question? Take this to heart: you are not responsible for your brother, and you cannot be guilty of any choices he made. More consolingly, she wrote that note to you and not to him because she knew you *were* there for her - who else could she ask? This can only mean that she knew she could count on you.

I'm sorry for the timing. You're not alone in this. People with experience of witnessing many last hours have told me that they believe that sometimes a person needs to be alone to pass; but whether or not that is true, and whether or not it was true of your mother, you also cannot be responsible for the messiness of life. You could have sat unmoving by her side for a month, and still have missed her passing because of some trivial interruption - a bathroom break, a phone call. Concentrate on everything you did for her, and let go of what you cannot help. Wishing you comfort x
(2)
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Sometimes the soul wants to be alone, they may wait until they are along to be with the Lord.....My brother did. His son was there, left, and 20 minutes later he passed.... Sometimes they wait. Know your loved one loves you, this part being alone is okay. Perhaps it was more peaceful for her to be with her loved ones on the other side.....It's okay......She really wasn't alone......
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When my adult nephew died of cancer, the nurse at the nurse's station even asked any of us that called - could we please get the family out of the room? So, we all do what we can do. But, I probably would not be in the room, at all. My mother is 96.
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I want to thank those who replied for your kind words. It means a lot to me. I guess if I was suppose to watch my mom die it would of happened at 4am when we were there. Maybe she wanted me to be with her alone I'll never know. I watched a friend die and I had no warning. She had an anerism and she was gone. When I speak of my friend I talk about her death and not the good times we shared. My lesson is to talk about how wonderful my mom was and not that I wasn't there for her final hours.
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Kree, based on everyone's post to me, they told me that my mom was close to the end. Although I didn't believe them (I mean, really, just from online my talking about mom?), I texted all my siblings that mom is dying and may not last a week or 2. In the meantime, we tried our darn best to get hospice. But due to red tape, and our refusal to subject mom to a very bumpy ambulance ride to her clinic just so that her doctor can look at her and declare she needs hospice, we tried APS, insurance, clinic to please just send a doctor over to diagnose her. No. We must take mom to the clinic. My siblings were all on the porch talking, when mom died in her sleep. The day she died, her favorite child (our spoiled brat baby sister) plane was landing home. Baby sis didn't get to see mom alive. Sis' plane had flight delays, their Houston-Honolulu flight got detoured to Houston-San Fran- got stranded for hours in San Fran. So sis arrived one day later than originally. Strange, the timing of when a parent dies. I don't think it's a coincidence, from all my readings, that they choose to die when no one is in the room.

Kree, my condolences on your mom. The guilt comes and goes. My mom passed away about 2 years ago. Only last December, I finally cried, mourned for mom. The guilt comes and goes now. I no longer hold it in. I just cry and let the tears flow. {{HUGS}}
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My Mom died alone too - I was there in Arizona to visit her, but we had a terrible argument before I left, and I never called her.. She died shortly after this. I never got to tell her how sorry I was. The next time I saw her was in her coffin. My Mom was my best friend. I miss her every single day. My sister died in 2001, also in Arizona. I spent 2 weeks with her and held her hand when she left this earth. I thank God for this
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It's been 3 months since my mom died. In some ways, I feel like it's just hitting me now because the sadness completely overtakes me, whereas before I was just numb. My mom was alone too. She has been sick for years and I could tell she wasn't getting better. She fell and broke her hip. I was supposed to go out of town that day, but stayed to see what the doctor said. They planned surgery the following day. I left the morning of the surgery. She came through surgery and was in good spirits when I talked to her on the phone around 8pm. At around 1215, I got a call saying mom's status had changed. What did that mean? It meant she was gone. She died alone. I'm so sad. I was with her for 15+ years, through the ups and downs. I took care of her. She moved in with me and I took care of her. But I wasn't there when she died. Not sure I can forgive myself.
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Usually the people who die "surrounded by family" have had a long, slow, difficult death. Yvonne, although your mom was in hospital it sounds as though death took her unexpectedly and she was feeling positive up until that point. I would call that a "good death", hopefully some day you can see it that way too.
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Perseverance, Bless you Love! Your post suggests you have a Faith... hang on to it and KNOW that "All things work together for GOOD......" We often think people have let us down in some way, perhaps not realizing that God has His own plan. Perhaps in a moment of quietness and Peace... He chose THAT time and those circumstances to call your Mum home?
I'm sorry your sibs are disappointing... we ALL are sometimes...... But your Darling Mum is at peace now. Let the grief wash over you. Feel every feeling you need to feel. Cry every tear. And remember her with Love. Try to let go, but not until you are ready.
Well done good and faithful Servant! Love is it's own reward!
I have worked in Aged Care for 16 years and agree with many of the comments posted. I believe that many of us DO choose the moment when the family is not there, to spare them (and perhaps ourselves), that final sad parting.
I hope you can find comfort in the days and weeks ahead. Bless you!
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I was going to say something but it won't help you. The truth doesn't help I have found, it only hurts. Anyways I love you, that is what I will say.
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It's okay, she is not suffering. Some people wait to be alone before passing on...Everyone knew she was sick if everyone was watching over her. She took her quiet alone time to escape her frail body...
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Yvonne, Forgive Yourself....We all have to go. Perhaps she chose that time when you were gone to transcend...IT'S OKAY...FORGIVE YOURSELF!!! You can mourn as long as you have to,, there is NO time limit...By the way, did you hear your mom after she had passed? Do you hear her favorite song on the radio when you think of her? Or a certain animal or bird she may have liked? Talk to her?
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My friend's mom had diabetes. Doctor said he needed to amputate a leg, so no food or water after midnight. Mom got hungry in the am so friend gave her a piece of toast. Went to hospital and doctor stated to confirm no food or water after midnight. Friend admitted to giving the toast, so operation would be delayed. Mom died that night. Thank God for that piece of toast!!!
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