My mother, by her own choice, lives in assisted living home and loves it. The problem is, she thinks she needs to call me every time she leaves her apartment and returns. She leaves messages on the home home phone and my cell phone. My cell phone bill is extremely high because of this. I received on the average 30-40 calls a day telling me she is going to eat breakfast, back from breakfast,going to lunch, back from lunch. etc. She calls my home and talks with me and then calls back 5 min later, if I dont answer, she calls everyone who lives around me to come over and see where I am. I have been ran outa the shower with someone pounding on the door cause mom wants to know why I didnt answer the phone. I always tell her I am getting in the shower but she forgets. I have started taking the cordless phone with me to the shower but it dont ring loud enough for me to hear it. Now that summer is coming, I will be ran off the mower by neighbors that she has called and sent to see why I am not answering the phone. The neighbors have been very understanding about this so far but I can tell they are getting a little tired of this. Can someone please give me an idea of what I can do about this?
First off, I would get a cell phone package that has a large number (or unlimited) minutes for a reasonable flat rate. Then the number of calls and messages left wouldn't be so worrisome. Then I would not answer the phone... and I wouldn't even feel guilty. And I would tell the neighbors to say something like "Oh, I see her in the yard. I'll let her know." Then hang up and not worry anymore about it. They don't have to alert you. If they know your mother has dementia, they will understand. If alerting you is the only reason she calls the neighbors, maybe they can screen or block calls from her. That seems a little sad, but I'm sure you don't want to try their good will.
We want to care for our parents with dementia, but we want to stay sane while doing it. People with dementia often can learn certain things. Perhaps she would understand that she doesn't have to call if told a few times. She may feel like she needs to check in.
Different cell phone companies have various options, but many of them allow options to specify certain numbers that won't be charged (friends and family type plans). It saves me a fortune with my kids too.
My neighbor does not exactly have dementia (she's 98), but she does have insecurity issues that are long-seated and have gotten worse with age, and at one point she drove her family nuts with the same thing -- calling everyone one after another, multiple times per day, leaving 4-5 messages in a row when they didn't answer. She was convinced that her family were really there, but just not answering their phones (they WERE, after dealing with 15+ calls a day PER PERSON for no reason except to make sure that they would answer the phone when she called).
In self defense her son came up with a solution. She is allowed to call him at 9:am every morning and he will answer ,and they will chat. In the evening he will call her at EXACTLY 6:00pm and chat (the calls are short, because not much happens most days). If he doesn't call (and he ALWAYS calls EXACTLY at 6) she must wait until 6:15, before she is allowed to call him. She has caregivers, and together they sit and watch the clock with her, and basically for a half an hour 2x day they get to say "no, it's not 6 yet, it's only 5:30...only 5:35", etc. to keep her calm until 9:am or 6:pm (much better than the previous situation!).
It sound somewhat mean, but she is actually much less frantic now than before, and she ends up talking to her son twice a day rather than having him avoiding her calls for days on end for fear of starting another calling frenzy.
Living with you might help whom? Not you! Not your husband. And not really your mother, because wherever she's living her brain will still not work.
Ironically, some of your mother's current agitation may be the result of her having been made aware of the accident. If she was diagnosed six years ago, I'd guess it's not likely she can retain all the details, but it's possible she does remember just enough to have an idea that she needs to get hold of you. Hence the constant calls. Would your brother be able to use distraction techniques to divert her attention away from you?