I know so many are going through so much out there please share!

I am so sorry for your pain. Please accept some cyber hugs.

Thank you jeannegibbs

I am so sorry for all you are going through. Having to file for guardianship is enough stress. In April of this year, we placed our mother in a memory care unit...part of an assisted living community. It tore me up having to go through my mother's house, throwing out unusable items. Thank God mom was a very tidy person who kept a vigilance on not accumulating junk. The last two years she lived at home, she had stopped weeding things out. Every time I would go in her house by myself, I would just bawl my heart out at the loss of my family of origin. I could hear my siblings and my parents during Thanksgiving or Christmas...all the happy times (which were few). I prefer to think about the good times we had together.Yes I grieved and still am...just like you. We have not sold her house yet or the contents. It is going to be hard to do it...I walk around the back yard where my father laid cement...mine and my siblings names are written in the cement. I hope whoever buys the house, takes as good care as my parents did. Allow yourself to grieve, remember to good memories, and focus on making more good memories with the time you have left with your parents. Blessings to you.

oh honey... I am so sorry you are in such pain (physical and emotional) I was fired for BS reasons too...from the govt no less... haha. 17 years there and now nothing burned through my retirement and now full time with my dad. I feel your pain. Blessings to you and sending strength.

I was let go from my previous well paying job because I found a glaring error in a drainage report. What is that you ask? Did you know that water runs up hill for nearly a half of a mile before it comes to the nearest drainage channel? Yup, prepared by an engineer, caught by lowly planner me and I'm the one let go, wouldn't want to raise any red flags you know. And this was a hundreds of thousands of dollar public project! Our government at work!

With 13 years at that employer couldn't you file on them for non-compliance of the Family Medical Leave Act? They may reinstate your position. I would certainly fight it if you enjoyed your job!

Hugs to you Zoolife, I hope that the revocation of your POA is undone soon.

As a former human resources professional, my heart breaks when I read about how companies today fire people so quickly - usually because they either don't want to pay benefits (or retirement) or they're having their own financial issues.

And I'm so sorry Zoolife about all you've gone through. I've followed your story from the beginning. The one very small good thing in all of the crap you've endured is now you have reached a point where if you can get conservatorship of your folks, you can take actions that (hopefully) can't be undone. And get them settled in a place. I know there's a LOT of work between here and there, but each step you take, each thing you accomplish means there's one less thing to do towards the point in time where you can get your own life back, because you're not living in that horrible place of having your dad fight you at every step. Please check back in often as you work through this process. If I lived in TX, I'd offer to help (I live in IL). Good luck...and please keep us posted.

sharymarie,ypiffani,gladimhere,bermuda, and ms. blannie, God love you all thank you for commenting, getting back with me it means so much! I try to comment when people post questions or discussions because it means so much to the person that posted the question that we are hearing each other, support each other, care because we share a common ground trying to cope with death. I think it was Nancy Regan called it " The Long Goodbye" she left out Painful! Thanks again for begin there!

I hear you and I understand. You will be in my prayers.

What a huge mess ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) Keep coming back and venting and let us know what is working out.

zoolife, the employer should have given you family leave, not fire you. Did they fire you because you need back surgery? So unfair! You should be getting unemployment, at least. It sounds like your boss's name is Ebenezer. Well, us Tiny Tims will stick with you in spirit.

I was given 5 days off unpaid because they said I was being "deceptive"!!! I had called in emergency vacation to take care of my dad. he had fallen in the house at 3 am and I'd gone over to his house... at 6 he said "ok go to work" I got dressed and left to get to work ontime. he called me and said "no wait I want to go to the hospital... it hurts" OK I stop call my supervisor and wait for him to get back with me if I could have it. They said yes... I go back to Dad's and he has in that small amount of time taken 2 Vicodin. he is incontinent (BAD) so I needed to get him cleaned up and to the dr/hospital. I couldn't even get him out of the chair he was floppy and drugged. so I said we'll give it 2 hours and go. I went in to the other room and was playing solitaire, I fell asleep. I woke up to my daughter who had stopped by on her way to work, she usually stopped in to fix him food and for a well check. 3 hours had passed. We said we'd get some lunch so I had her get my phone I had accidently left in the car. There were 10 messages from my co-workers who had called me and left messages saying " You were caught!" "Your dad called looking for you" etc. I called my boss IMMEDIATELY he was out I left a message saying I've no idea what they were talking about dad and I are home together... It seems my father had called my work looking for me, he said he hadn't seen me all day and had no idea what Ron (my boss) was talking about. Sooooo there was a big meeting at work and I was told I was being deceptive and had lied about my father falling and wanting to go to the hospital/dr. even though we did go and he was injured... that was the beginning of my being let go from govt job. The next straw was me getting liver disease from chemo I'd had in 98. and cervical cancer. I tried to fight it only to be told by my UNION STEWARD that she had no intention of trying to get my job back I deserved what I got. soooo honey, I bet you can do a lot better than I did at your work. I wish you luck

Thank you BoniChak, God Bless you as well!

ill pray for you but my god is pretty much a torch and an oxygen and acetelyne tank. he'll free your rusted bolts and nuts but probably not much else.

ypiffani, OMG I'm so sorry how horrible, the turn of events in your life. Thank you for sharing, I hope things will turn around for you too! There are so many going through so much out in the world today, glad you could vent here too! I was told company wide they are cleaning house. I'd been with the company long enough to have good pay and benefits, many of my friends have been fired all long term employees. Ypiffani take care of yourself, so sorry will pray for guidance, strength and courage in your direction!

Zoo... sending the same wonderful wishes back your way. It will look up positive energy in means positive energy back to you... that's what I'm relying on.
Merry Christmas or happy holidays or what ever your heart finds true to all... and Captain... You're hilarious!

Ypiffani, I would retain an attorney's specializes in employment law. What they have done is illegal. There area even attorneys that specialize in sueing government employers. To heck with the union steward!

You should go to the site avvo to ask questions particular to your situation. Attorneys will respond free of charge. Many cases like yours attorneys will take on a contingency basis. FIGHT BACK!

Zoo, I agree that you might want to pursue your sacking in a legal way. It is my opinion that maybe you should move closer to them since they won't move closer to you and now they can't b/c of incompet. etc. Yes, we do support each other on this forum. I'm doing just that. Wish I could be there to help you in person.

Brandywine1949, I a home I've lived in remodeled it myself for the most part, I've been here for about 12 years I really don't want to give up my home pack up my life at this point. I could move back to Virginia which would drive me crazy with worry about what's happening to my home. Picking up and moving I may have to, but I feel resentful that I would have to do this. I don't want to feel this way but I do. My father has slandered my name everywhere and I can't handle his rage. So I'm not sure what will happen at this point. I feel my parents are very selfish, they didn't want to be here with me, they wanted me to give up my life for them. So I don't know what I will do, I'd like to have a life before I die, but I'm beginning to wonder if or how, don't want to live there.

Zoolife, you've gone above and beyond at severe detriment to you and your life and happiness. Either move your folks near you or put them in a place where they are and let the state appoint a guardian for them. You've done more than your share. You don't have to give up your life for them. That's my 2 cents.

Zoolife, "StandingAlone" abandoned her mother to the state so that her mother would be properly cared for. She too has had her economic well being sacrificed to care for ungrateful uncooperative parents. Read some of her posts to get information on this possibility.

Getting guardianship will be hard and expensive. It might turn out that the less you do, the better off they will be.

Thanks Jinx4740, I will, I've kept up with her on this board, breaks my heart, but I just don't know, thank you all for being there!

Zoo - I don't know what to with my mother either.She is 5 hrs drive away in an ALF, I have EPA and am named as agent on her personal directive. She has borderline personality disorder, narcissism and now increasing paranoia along losing her short term memory. But she has been assessed as competent so the PD is not active. The paranoia and BPD are driving her decisions, and she is continually after me to do this and that, which is to solve non existent problems - like sort out about money being stolen, when no money has been stolen and all is accounted for. Due to the BPD she becomes quite nasty and that triggers off PTSD I have from childhood. I am detaching more and more. As she still is competent, she could appoint some one else in my stead, and I wish she would. I think a non-family member can deal with situations that are so emotionally charged better than a family member. She is narcissistic so nothing is ever good enough, no matter what I do, so I am inclined to so less and less. I have spent many $$$s going back and forth and staying in her city, and really don't feel I have accomplished much. It is all about her and she must have her way - no negotiation, She has moved twice in the last 4 years - the grass it always greener on the other side of the fence - and I am not cooperating this time. I think she is better looked after where she is than she would be where she wants to go. I am 76 and the work of moving her is too much, even with hiring people to do most of it - there is still lots to be done and she has alienated people who would have helped her. I am just fading into the background as much as possible, letting phone calls go to voice mail, making the odd inquiry to keep informed about my decision. The people on her ALF are tracking her - she is on their "at risk" list, and the case manager assures me the system will look after her. She has just changed doctors again - for the 7th or so time in 16 years. I don't know who her new doctor is, but until she is declared incompetent there is not much I can or am willing to do, as I get shot down for most of what I do anyway, and my sis just adds fuel to that fire. It is a difficult position to be in. I feel for you. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Emjo, Thanks for your response I have PTSD from childhood that set me up for on going problems. I thought about contacting the psychologist I was seeing before I left town dealing with this stuff and work related issues, but it's so expensive. The guilt I feel is tremendous, of which intelligently I know this is not my fault nor can I really fix it. But the unhealed child the one that hears in my heart of hearts that I'm to take care of your mother, " this is your fault we wouldn't be here if it weren't for you" which even the little child in me at this point knows that's a sack of crap there. I'm really in a stuck place I'm not caring for myself, barely eating, won't leave the house unless I have too for food, won't cook, and some day's stay in my pajamas for days on end, YEP I'M DEPRESSED, and yes I take med's. Since it was Christmas I called out of guilt yesterday to check on them, that was even more depressing. Dad get's mother to use money to try and get them out of there. I got to thinking about this dad has told me in the last month if I came up there I could take dad to the dealership to buy his new car and he said he'd get me one too! Good grief, I thanked him but said that wasn't necessary, they don't really have the money to be buying 2 car's, LOL. Then yesterday mother said they wanted to pay one month of my mortgage by can't until they get to the bank. They must have forgotten I can write a check from here, but those words came from my dad via my mother. I'm so starting to see their games, it looks so kind and gracious, but they want me to break them out even though I tell mother you know dad's never driving again and you guys can't live alone any longer. I feel used not loved, I thanked her said don't worry about it they said they wanted to do pay my mortgage this month but first wanted to make sure that wouldn't offend me what is that really! I do need to get back to see my old therapist I've had many awakenings since all of mess with them. The guilt keeps me hooked in, and down feeling like I can't do anything with my life till their life is set. But you think I'd know better by now, and after everyone else how StandAlone, Emjo and many others have gotten the same crap, it's never good enough. Maybe it's being an only child so hard to walk away, but you're right Emjo I see myself letting others take over more and more. I ask the new attorney to be their guardian I don't want too, and not sure I want total conservatorship for financial been burned there once. There damn back those bank tellers and branch manager still treat me with disrespect so I don't even call any longer. If I go back one more time that's it, is what I told mother last night, I mean it that's it. Get them moved into some place told the attorney they will have to pay me like any other employee for going back there. But I really don't want too, that drive is 20 hours, stops included then the mess of that house packing it up God I hate to think about it. Suppose if and when God will give me the Grace, the Grace has been there when I've needed it in the past. And I'm angry damn it I'll just have to work through it here on the board for now as I'm not forking out therapy money when I can gripe whine and complaint here for free! I am pissed about this whole thing tonight comes in waves! Thanks for listening guys, and responding helps I don't feel so alone. And I'm sorry that any of you guys have to deal with difficult parents, wrecks your life. If I knew how to do things differently I would, wish I could walk away, but the guilt, it may be I've done all I can but it will be the guilt. My dad is still so manipulative and mother is still his puppet I see this so clearly now. My God even the their neighbors tell me she has always let him walk over her, sad!

(((((((zoo)))))) - let me tell you that you have NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING to feel guilty about. Your parents are sick and they have imposed their sickness upon you. Part of that sickness is planting guilt buttons in you. They use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate you. None of those are coming from a place of love. Realize that the guilt you feel has been imposed upon you and not due to anything you have or have not done. I refuse to have my life wrecked beyond a point. I will just cut them (mum and sis) out altogether. If I - or you - were run over by a bus tomorrow they would survive. You and I deserve a decent life. We have grown up with a huge handicap, but not one that cannot be overcome. You do need to vent to people who understand - and there are people like that here. One of the things that happens in our type of situation is that we have all these negative messages in our heads about ourselves. It comes from having been told them, and also from how we were treated - without respect and used. My Irish gets up after a while and I say No more!!!! It has taken a long time. I am 76 now, and more and more I just do not want to be treated like this. There are so many unhealthy games, Your mother chooses to be pushed around by your dad. Your dad chooses to manipulate. Those offers of money and a car make my red flags go up big time. I wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole.You know there are strings attached. Make a pact with yourself to not do anything out of guilt. Come on line here when you feel like doing it and let us convince you not to. You are harming yourself when you do. Take back your power - focus on you and your needs. You and your feelings and your health and your life are every bit as important as theirs and should be more so to you. No one can look after you but you. Other people can look after your parents.
Re pjs all day, I have a wardrobe of nighties and dressing gowns/kimonos cause I am in them so much. If I don't feel like getting dressed - that is fine. They are comfortable. Don't put yourself down about that.
You can't wait till they or anyone else is set to get on with your own life. Forget about them for a couple of days and think only of you. It will take some effort but you can do it. Think of something you want to do for you and start doing it Screw them - pardon my french. I want to see you on here tomorrow morning with a list of things you want for yourself. Believe me they will be fine. Without you to manipulate they will find someone else - their problem. You don't want to go there, then don't go. Trust your guts to know what is good for you. I am praying that God give you the grace to look after yourself. I once found a Christian webpage and "honouring thy father and thy mother" when there was abuse involved. the answer was, supported by scripture, that you are not expected to stay where there is abuse. I got hit on the head with that scripture often, There is another one - equally valid -"Parents, don't provoke your children". "Nuff said.
OK, that's my pep talk for tonight. Rah Rah Rah for Zoolife - we are cheering for you and your new life! (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Rah Rah for Zoolife as well - Emjo you inspired me too!

Emjo, I was on my way to bed something told me to check this site, thank you so glad I listened to that enter voice! Your words have inspired and touched my heart. I will read them again tomorrow, then start working on what I need to do for me God Bless you Emjo, thank you I needed to hear everything you've said tonight!

Zoolife!! What a riot mess!! You should write a book. This is getting more and more common. WHY don't these people have any sense?? I am so sorry for you. I also feel the pull of the puppet strings. I have learned to be silent and uninterested. I guess that's the detach part. My mother is such trouble. She is staying here for christmas a few weeks because she is SO LONELY. Cause everyone hates her? hum... wonder why? She tries all this crap and we stonewall her then she DEMANDS to be taken home. 5 hour drive. She has no car or license. We just smile and say ok, good luck honey. She threatens to call the police. Go ahead. She tells me i'm fat, lazy, boring, etc. that whole string of nonsense. Wondering again why she has NO ONE IN HER LIFE???? This morning she tells me with the sly wink wink that she just had a little "talk" with my husband and he agrees that she should move in. Then I could take complete care of her 24/7. yay. If she only could see the truth. My husband would rather impale himself. Crazy old thing. She hates the whole house, my food sucks, she can't eat a thing in the house, she sees bugs and cockroaches and bedbugs, she'll tell anyone who will listen how dirty and mean I am. We can't put music on, the only TV we are allowed to watch is NCIS. Here is her crazieness, if you try and watch something else she will either make a giant spill in that room like a gallon of juice or milk, she will cut herself "accidentally", she will have a coughing fit and worry that she needs to go to the ER, she will need help in the bath, etc. etc. loud loud loud bug bug bug. Attention seeking. She is like an out of control 4 year old, badly behaved, very spoiled and everything in her life is my fault. Sorry to ramble BUT HERES WHAT I MEANT TO SAY : i was stuck under her roof 18 years, I can't get those years back, she was awful. I OWE HER ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I take not one thing from her not even a FORK because it's got strings attached. It was horrible. First thing I did was get out of there, moved away, visit maybe once a year just for the sake of the kids. make sure the kids are safe and know she is mentally ill. YOU ARE VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT. NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL CHANGE THEM. They will find other people to torment BELIEVE ME. As long as they have food and shelter sometimes it's the best you can do. Set aside a time every day, like 30 min to ponder the weirdness of them and possibly the evil of them. THEN DON"T THINK ABOUT THEM ANYMORE. WOW what a weapon, I don't even CARE about these kind of people. I used to use exercise to get them out of my head, anytime I spent time feeling bad or sick or guilty I would have to do one mile on the treadmill. Plus I also have learned to LAUGH AT THE CRAZIES!!!!! Cause they are so RIDICULOUS. My mom spends actual time trying to hurt me. I OWN her house, I pay her taxes,cable, gas and power. She will tell anyone who will listen that she signed the house over to me and I"m trying to sell it and kick her out. It worries me that people will believe her but I DON"T EVEN CARE ANYMORE. LET THEM BE FRIENDS WITH HER. FIVE MINUTES WITH HER AND THEY RUN AWAY SCREAMING AHHHHHH. Don't LET THEM torment you. They have NOTHING else in their lives but to torture you. They FEED off of negative emotions....like I guess... think of them as aliens. Also, let the social workers know that those people are a danger to you. I WILL NOT drive a 10 hour round trip drive cause crazy betty got bored and make up a crisis or isn't getting the attention she deserves. DON"T DO IT. You have yourself to worry about, they will always be nuts don't let them drag you down into their pit of misery. A friend with crazy parents had to deal with the house, she got what she wanted, then donated the rest of contents to a church, they came and cleaned the entire thing out. BUT crazies will spend the rest of their days ASKING for stuff back from the house like bowls and mugs and toilet bowl brushes just so you know. So just say Oh yes next time I'm up there i'll get it. THEN DON"T. I am 50 years old TAKE BACK YOUR POWER is right. They are NOTHING. They can't do a thing to hurt you anymore. DON"T CALL them back till they settle down. JUST DON"T TAKE THIS ABUSE. If anyone knew how they treated us as children we would have been taken away so that "you owe me" guilt is FAKE. Take a nice walk outside, change your phone number. Hire a geriatric care manager if you can afford this service. Call a social worker tell them YOU ARE DONE YOU HAVE HAD IT. and then go take a break. At least two weeks off, just stay in your pajamas, unplug that darn phone. THEY WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO TORTURE just fine trust us all on that. If I were dead tomorrow she'd have a new person to torture before the sun went down.

My mother put me through the emotional ringer most of my life until I finally had enough. I established boudaries and distanced myself to the point where she walks on eggshells when it comes to me. She knows if she says or does the wrong thing to hurt me I will be gone for good. Right now she is still living independently, but relies on me to drive her to medical appointments. I use to do a lot more, but I will no longer be her unpaid servant. There is no mother/daughter relationship. Just an obligation to make sure her medical needs are met. Her other needs will have to be taken care of by hired help or my sister when she can.