I'm new to this site although not new to computers and researching on them! I'm a caregiver, can you tell?!!! My mom is 90, extremely independent, has been a widow for 35 years on Dec. 5th. She has macular degeneration and glaucoma but can still read in the daytime with lots of magnification and light. (We bought her a VideoEye about 10 years ago which is helpful.) She would "die" if she knew how dirty most parts of her house are now. Has always kept an almost immaculate house. Her master bath toilet was so filthy but I never dare clean something that takes me away for too long because she says, "What are you doing?" She's always very defensive when I tell her something needs to be cleaned or I am "caught" cleaning something. "I just cleaned that the other day, or I clean this on Thursdays, or I can't believe how quick these things get so dusty, etc."
I tell my sister but she has the same problem of getting "caught" if gone too long. When we were all their to put up her Christmas tree, I told my sister to start cleaning the toilet then I would take over so we weren't gone long! We don't want to hurt her feelings!
I try to go when it's at least two of us there so we can do like that but it's not always possible. I say things like, "I know you are having trouble seeing things like this, so let me help..." what do other suggest? Thanks! (Her grown grandchildren don't even want to eat there anymore unless we take something and use paper plates). I'm an RN and I tell them, cooking will kill the germs and you can bring your own utensils! LOL. She did let me clean her kitchen sinks real well when she was going to prepare some food for Thanksgiving. I tell her to run her hand all in the sink after she cleans because if it's all slick she has most likely gotten it clean. She did tell me she did that on some things. YAY!
Older people are really not just like children, even if they have regressed in some ways to child-like behavior. Eight or nine decades of life experience do make a difference!
I wish my mother had been more like yours and Sherry's. They sound like treasures.
I was going to suggest the sneak cleaning, as Jeanne did. My brother and I have done this in the past for my parents. Its not often enough to keep the place as clean as I'd like it, but they don't even notice when its done!
She has a 92 year old cousin that has a lady come and "sit" with her (not sure just what her job is because the cousin is still able to do many things), and momma always asks her, "What does she do? I couldn't stand to have somebody come to my house that time of the morning and be there in my house all day!"
We're always taking momma out to eat, or like this past Sunday afternoon, to the civic ballet where my 4 year old granddaughter was a little sheep, and always to church when she can. She loves to go to the "Dollar" store so we make that trip when I take her to the hairdresser or for blood tests. Her painful arthritic knees prevent a lot of walking and she's too proud at this time to even think about a wheelchair for occasional transport! Certainly we do try to do as you suggest and one of us go over and do a little cleaning while the other one is taking her somewhere but my sister is 10 years younger than me and she works FT and is on her feet most of the workday so it's not as easy for her to get over there then. If the three local granddaughters try to do anything she always balks at it because they are "so busy with their little children, or going to college and working, etc. etc." I reassure her that they are still very young and can and WANT to do these things because they love her so much. She says, "I'm always thinking of them and worrying about them and they're thinking about me..."
So I say, "Bless their hearts, all of our elderly parents!" I try to put myself in her place 25-30 years from now, a place we all will be at some point if we live long enough.
Thank you SO much for your input and support. WOW! I'm lovin' this site!
Would she be any more receptive to a "professional" cleaning service? This would be on the basis of what she "deserves" after all these years of doing all the housework, and not what she "needs." It is time she retires from some of the tasks, and you can get her a terrific cleaning person. It is not that she can't do a good job ... it is just that she deserves a little pampering.
Can she still enjoy an afternoon or evening out, perhaps a restaurant or shopping, etc? If you and your sister can take turns taking her out and the other one doing some cleaning while she is gone that might reduce the friction. But, really, I think bringing in a hired cleaner is the best bet. When you are there you should be playing cribbage or looking at old photo albums or gossiping about neighbors and relatives -- not scrubbing her toilet. Anybody can get the house clean. Only you and your sister can be loving daughters spending quality time with Mom.
As you come up with solutions that work or at least help, come back and let us know ... we learn from each other!
What you may want to try, is get the family together and give your Mom a Christmas gift of a cleaning lady/service for 3 to 6 months. She might just get hooked too! Also, our cleaning lady is lovely and she is good company while in the house.