My mother has been living with us for the last 11 years after she had a stroke and was unable to live on her own. She didn't have enough money to continue paying for assisted living so we bought a house where she could live with us. We have completely designed our lives around her care. Ever since she has moved in, my husband and I have spent a total of 2 nights away from the home for recreation. She is capable of bathing, going to the bathroom and making her own food. She fell and broke her wrist last October resulting in surgery and a discovery that she had developed a pressure ulcer near her tailbone. At that time, we were on 24/7 with feeding, bathing, dressing, going to the bathroom, etc. We now have home care coming 3 times a week to treat the pressure ulcer. This has been going on for 5 months. My husband was a stay at home Dad for his 2 girls when my Mom moved in which worked out because we were unsure of her capabilities and whether she could be left alone for both of us to work. His daughters have grown and moved out since and now he stays home just in case for my Mom. We can't make plans, we can't go anywhere, no one wants or offers to help us even when we talk about needing help. My husband complains about my Mom all the time now. Everything she does seems to be an issue for him. I know he is concerned for her wellbeing but this feels over the top to me, but he says it's because I'm not there and I don't see it. We fight all the time now. I have looked into assisted living for her again and it is more than double her monthly income and I can't afford to pay for her so I'm stuck. I keep having thoughts about wanting to die because I see no end to all of this. I hate going home, I hate dealing with both of them at this point. We have no friends anymore because no one wants to get involved in our situation or visit our home. My husband's family and my Mom's are completely useless. Whenever we talk about the difficulties and stress they just tell us to take better care of ourselves and make it clear they don't want anything to do with what's happening. We are isolated and completely alone in dealing with her. I feel guilt for what this has done to my husband. Through it all he hasn't left, but it is so toxic now. He had 3 seizures a few months ago and had to be in the hospital for several days because of all the stress. He wasn't getting any sleep or remembering to eat when we had to wait on my Mom hand and foot for months on end. Now our insurance is refusing to pay for any of the bills and we now have a massive debt on top of everything else. I just want to quit. I want to run away most days. I have spent the later half of my 20's and all of my 30's living like this. I have no life other than work and home. I have never traveled anywhere. When everyone I know our age is posting pics on Facebook of their latest trips, I'm still sitting at home slowly dying along with her. Also, she doesn't seem to care about how this affects us at all. I feel she has designed everything to keep me close to her physically. She didn't even want me to move out when I was 18 because she was afraid and of course she found a way to forever keep me under her thumb unable to move or breathe. I'm not saying she had a stroke on purpose, but she was almost 400 lbs and wouldn't stop overeating. I tried to intervene many times because I told her what could happen if she didn't stop living like that and get more healthy and it did. I have given up on ever having my own child because I can't take care of her and a kid too. Couldn't afford it either. It wouldn't matter anyway because my husband and I barely have sex at all. I'm in the prime of my life and she is sucking it all away as she gets exactly what she wants at the expense of what I want. She gets to sit all day watching TV, reading books and doing puzzles as my marriage crumbles and I seriously consider ending it all most days.
Let's work on this.
What are her assets and what is her income?
Have you called up the local Area Agency on Aging and gotten a Needs assessment? And advice about what help she is eligible for?
Is she paying rent?
Do you have a therapist who is treating your depression?
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
SuicidePreventionLifeline.org
I hope you are on medication for the depression. And hubby could be too.
Check into AAA and get the ball rolling to place mom elsewhere. It's not worth your LIFE to make sure she has one.
A therapist and a good group support network wouldn't go amiss.
You are important. You are loved.
You owe your mother nothing but the respect owed a parent. You DO NOT need to turn your life into slavery for her.
It will be hard and she will be mad. Tough love will have to come into play.
Can mother be left for a few hours so you and hubby can get AWAY from her and talk about how to make this right. Losing your life so mom can have one--no that's not right.
Your mom is a narcissist who has you playing by her rules. Time to make the big change and ask her to leave. Even the poorest of people can find monies to help them live and get care. My mom is always complaining about all the "moochers" she knows at the Sr Center. I ought to ask her how these people are getting free housing and such....probably through gov't disability.
Come back--others will have better ideas than I do.
{{{HUGS}}} You need them.
Either way, hope you are ok, mollysmash. If you want a place to regularly receive input for your caregiving situation, you could come to AgingCare more often. There are support threads where ongoing support is exchanged. You'd be most welcome.
It is time to change the game and the rules. You need to take back your life. Please speak to a therapist to help you come up with a plan to remove your mom from your home. You have receive some very good advice here, but you and hubby may need help with putting a plan together. You sound like you are over your head with this situation and you and hubby need to come together and be a united front. Your mom didn't give you life so she can take it from you.
I know when my BF and I moved into my mother's house to help her slowly we started fighting and just taking things we said to eachother the wrong way. Lucky, I notice it and because we have been together for 17 yrs I knew how we are and how we are not; therefore, I was (with BF help) able to get our relationship back on track. I told him that I love my mother, but I loved him more. You just have to make that first step which may be one of the hardest ones. But you can get through it. Start calling the place that was mention here and go out with hubby and start the conversation on getting mom out.
No one is worth your life not even a parent. As someone stated "you shouldn't have to give up your life so she can have one."
Remember this to shall pass. I know it doesn't feel like it will, but it will. It can get better if you start making changes.
Please come back and let us know how you are doing and if you are okay. This is a safe place to vent or ask questions.
God bless you.
Hugs!!
1)Are you seeing a therapist? If not, maybe you should start seeing one. This could help you deal with the changes that is going in your life and the depression that these changes are bringing.
2)Do consider finding a assisted living environment for her. If you can't afford, look into medicaid. Do go to your local county Aging and disability office-They may know of something that could help your mom that you two weren't aware of.
Please reach out to someone when the next time you are depressed. Please don't end your life. You are too valuable (to so many people in your life) to throw your life away.