I need help with the baby steps I would need to take to get mom to live somewhere other than with me and my husband.

thank you all, I will take my first baby step by contacting my local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a "Needs Assessment".    Oh and I already have POA since i needed it to deal with medicare and other things when needed.   

can her own dr do a needs assestment?  I will be going there the end of this month and already plan to request he recommend nh placement.

@ BarbBrooklyn
"Many adult day cares have transport included."

sounds easy enough except we are on a gated property that they can not enter due to locked gate (would be a royal pain to work out getting them in, ambulance wont even enter if the gate is open, have to meet them at the road at the end of the driveway) and the road is to far from the house to easily get her there to be picked up


"Has she been diagnosed with dementia?"
... no
her dr has done the 'questions' to make sure she is alert with memory ... saying a story then asking things in the story etc
and she answers everything fine, I couldn't remember the answers to the questions they asked, think i need to get diagnosed LOL ... I take her to every appt with her and sit in


"A "needs assessment" is an objective, professional assessment of what her needs are in terms of her activities of daily living (what she can and can't do to care for herself)."
... sounds like it is needed, will have to do it


"IF she doesn't have dementia, this MIGHT prove to be a useful step, as it would demonstrate to her that you are serious in your efforts to get her to adhere to house rules."
... even if she decides to adhere to house rules now, she has been disrespectful for too long and it won't change that I want her out.

"How does your husband react to her verbal abuse?"
he is a saint and ignores it and moves on, much better than how I am handling the crap she puts him through, sometimes literally. ;)

He does prepare all her meals ... she can not prepare her own as she creates a complete disaster in the kitchen if we try to let her do it herself. (again, not sure if this is on purpose, as she seems very smart about manipulating)

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@ jeannegibbs

You are correct, I am no longer interested in improving her behavior. I want her out... and I do not care how terrible that makes me sound. My husband is the most decent man in the world, I have had the pleasure of being married to him for 30 years, he is my best friend, and does not deserve to be disrespected any longer.

"What kind of day-to-day help does she need?"
... to me it seems lots since she can barely move due to her back pain. sometimes doesn't even make it to the bathroom on time which my husband also cleans up. Plus she will not take all her pills if someone does not supervise. I arrange all her pills in her pill containers and used to just give her the container until I noticed that she tends to skip them and or take the wrong days and can not be trusted to take her medication properly on her own.

She was a psychiatric nurse and I have to wonder if some of the stuff she does is 'on purpose' to manipulate due to the fact how well she did with story questions at the dr office not so long ago.

"Contact the Area Agency on Aging to learn about options and how to find out more. Arrange a needs assessment."
... it seems I am going to have to do this, which none of us will like since we don't like strangers coming to the house.

She will definately need medicaid and I think I would like an medicaid expert elder attorney to help so we do things right.
I am beginning to try to get all her bank records etc in order now.

I'm afraid of what she might start to pull once she knows I am totally serious about wanting her out.


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@jbclync
"Contact the council on aging for an assessment. She needs to begin the process of being placed."
... This is what I will have to do asap. I do not have much time for such things which is another reason this is not working out.

I use every single vacation day I get from my job to take her to labs and dr. (which i have done for the past 7+ years) Anything above that makes me take time off that my work is not happy about and I do not blame them.

I get two weeks ... 10 days total
she has labs and dr every 3 months, I have no spare time for more ... shich is another reason I have to do this.

She is going to need more care as time goes on and I already do not have time for her current care.

Contact the council on aging for an assessment. She needs to begin the process of being placed. It takes a bit. Usually assets have to be less than 2000 to qualify for medicaid. So if she has more than that you will have to pay for care.

Well, yes, you can't call 911 if she's "just" being disrespectful :). But if she's abusive, acting "crazy", threatening your husband with harm, I'd call for the EMTs. She could have a UTI which can cause psychiatric symptoms in elders.

How does your husband react to her verbal abuse?  He should leave the room immediately after stating that she may not talk that way in his home.

Is he preparing meals for her?  How about letting her get her own meals?  Stop making your home a hotel for her.

I don't know if you can call 911 and say, "My mother in law is treating me with disrespect." I think she has to be at least threatening bodily harm. Is she?

It sounds to me you are no longer interested in improving her behavior. You want her out. Right? And that is perfectly acceptable.

You can evict her. And at some point that might be necessary. For now look into the procedure in your municipality. For example, how much notice must you give?

Since I suspect that you love her even if you do not like living with her, figure out some options for her. Could she live in subsidized housing, independently? Would she need at least Assisted Living? What kind of day-to-day help does she need?

Contact the Area Agency on Aging to learn about options and how to find out more. Arrange a needs assessment. Would your mother need financial aid to be able to move out? It sounds like she would qualify for Medicaid. Help her with the application.

There may well be a delay in the process. Maybe the option that seems best has a 9 month waiting list. Get her on the list! Meanwhile, consider a day health program so she is at home fewer hours. Medicaid typically covers that cost.

If Mom is competent you cannot determine where she should live. You can't insist she go to assisted living, for example. But you can determine who lives in your house. If it comes down to it, you may have to go through the eviction process. But try real hard to do it on friendlier terms, if you can.

Many adult day cares have transport included.

Has she been diagnosed with dementia?

Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist?

A "needs assessment" is an objective, professional assessment of what her needs are in terms of her activities of daily living (what she can and can't do to care for herself).

If they find that she is independent in her ADL's, it seems to me that you can start eviction proceedings, since she has the ability to live independently. IF she doesn't have dementia, this MIGHT prove to be a useful step, as it would demonstrate to her that you are serious in your efforts to get her to adhere to house rules.

No one should have to put up with an abusive house guest. I agree with calling 911 if she becomes abusive to your husband.

i love the direct approach, God bless you and yours!

i would try that, except, she really needs to go where she can socialize with others, she sits alone all day and its not good for her here with me, we are in the boonies in the woods in a gated property with no neighbors or anything.

My 90 yo father has lived with us for 2 years. It's my and my wife's home, so it's our rules. I told my dad when he first moved in that any negative comment about my wife would not be tolerated and he would be out of our home in a split second. He has followed our rules because he knows I'm not joking. He has a good life in our home and he accepts that he is lucky to be here. It's just like with kids, don't threaten if you aren't going to follow up. Not long ago he was getting a little fussy and feeling sorry for himself. I asked him a direct question..."Dad, are you unhappy staying with us!?" He said he was happy and we saved him from a terrible life on his own. To which I answered for him to quit any petty bellyaching and keep a positive attitude, because we won't accept less. He did ok with that conversation and his attitude straightened right up.

she has Medicare

would love to get her to an adult community where she can socialize and have activities vs fighting more and more about trying to get her to move around and let us clean up

and hmmm, didn't type one big paragraph originally, wonder why its like that, makes it hard to read lol, ty for reading and replying

I will call my local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a "Needs Assessment". what does needs assessment do?

also, I already looked into the 'day care', can't do it due to my work hours not good for dropping her off and picking her up

The simple way (but..pretty far from baby steps) is to explain to her that her behavior is far outside of anything you and your husband are willing to accept....and it must change. First...all abuse of husband must stop. Period. Stop. Then, weekly cleaning WILL happen. She will cooperate with this, Explain that she will have to move if those doesn't stop..now.   Longer term, she must be more active and cooperate in regaining lost functionality.   She cannot be allowed to continue to be a vegetable 

The next time she is abusive to anyone in the household...call 911. Have to police transport her. Adult protection....household in fear of abuse. Then..simply do not let the hospital discharge her back to your house. Do not let them bully you or guilt trip you into letting her come back. They will have to find a setting for her...probably put her in a NH and begin the ball rolling to get her on Medicaid. BUT..only if you do not let her return.

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a "Needs Assessment".

Google Adult Day Care in your area.

Does she have Medicare or Medicaid?