I need help with the baby steps I would need to take to get mom to live somewhere other than with me and my husband.

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a "Needs Assessment".

Google Adult Day Care in your area.

Does she have Medicare or Medicaid?

The simple way (but..pretty far from baby steps) is to explain to her that her behavior is far outside of anything you and your husband are willing to accept....and it must change. First...all abuse of husband must stop. Period. Stop. Then, weekly cleaning WILL happen. She will cooperate with this, Explain that she will have to move if those doesn't stop..now.   Longer term, she must be more active and cooperate in regaining lost functionality.   She cannot be allowed to continue to be a vegetable 

The next time she is abusive to anyone in the household...call 911. Have to police transport her. Adult protection....household in fear of abuse. Then..simply do not let the hospital discharge her back to your house. Do not let them bully you or guilt trip you into letting her come back. They will have to find a setting for her...probably put her in a NH and begin the ball rolling to get her on Medicaid. BUT..only if you do not let her return.

she has Medicare

would love to get her to an adult community where she can socialize and have activities vs fighting more and more about trying to get her to move around and let us clean up

and hmmm, didn't type one big paragraph originally, wonder why its like that, makes it hard to read lol, ty for reading and replying

I will call my local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a "Needs Assessment". what does needs assessment do?

also, I already looked into the 'day care', can't do it due to my work hours not good for dropping her off and picking her up

My 90 yo father has lived with us for 2 years. It's my and my wife's home, so it's our rules. I told my dad when he first moved in that any negative comment about my wife would not be tolerated and he would be out of our home in a split second. He has followed our rules because he knows I'm not joking. He has a good life in our home and he accepts that he is lucky to be here. It's just like with kids, don't threaten if you aren't going to follow up. Not long ago he was getting a little fussy and feeling sorry for himself. I asked him a direct question..."Dad, are you unhappy staying with us!?" He said he was happy and we saved him from a terrible life on his own. To which I answered for him to quit any petty bellyaching and keep a positive attitude, because we won't accept less. He did ok with that conversation and his attitude straightened right up.

i love the direct approach, God bless you and yours!

i would try that, except, she really needs to go where she can socialize with others, she sits alone all day and its not good for her here with me, we are in the boonies in the woods in a gated property with no neighbors or anything.

Many adult day cares have transport included.

Has she been diagnosed with dementia?

Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist?

A "needs assessment" is an objective, professional assessment of what her needs are in terms of her activities of daily living (what she can and can't do to care for herself).

If they find that she is independent in her ADL's, it seems to me that you can start eviction proceedings, since she has the ability to live independently. IF she doesn't have dementia, this MIGHT prove to be a useful step, as it would demonstrate to her that you are serious in your efforts to get her to adhere to house rules.

No one should have to put up with an abusive house guest. I agree with calling 911 if she becomes abusive to your husband.

I don't know if you can call 911 and say, "My mother in law is treating me with disrespect." I think she has to be at least threatening bodily harm. Is she?

It sounds to me you are no longer interested in improving her behavior. You want her out. Right? And that is perfectly acceptable.

You can evict her. And at some point that might be necessary. For now look into the procedure in your municipality. For example, how much notice must you give?

Since I suspect that you love her even if you do not like living with her, figure out some options for her. Could she live in subsidized housing, independently? Would she need at least Assisted Living? What kind of day-to-day help does she need?

Contact the Area Agency on Aging to learn about options and how to find out more. Arrange a needs assessment. Would your mother need financial aid to be able to move out? It sounds like she would qualify for Medicaid. Help her with the application.

There may well be a delay in the process. Maybe the option that seems best has a 9 month waiting list. Get her on the list! Meanwhile, consider a day health program so she is at home fewer hours. Medicaid typically covers that cost.

If Mom is competent you cannot determine where she should live. You can't insist she go to assisted living, for example. But you can determine who lives in your house. If it comes down to it, you may have to go through the eviction process. But try real hard to do it on friendlier terms, if you can.

Well, yes, you can't call 911 if she's "just" being disrespectful :). But if she's abusive, acting "crazy", threatening your husband with harm, I'd call for the EMTs. She could have a UTI which can cause psychiatric symptoms in elders.

How does your husband react to her verbal abuse?  He should leave the room immediately after stating that she may not talk that way in his home.

Is he preparing meals for her?  How about letting her get her own meals?  Stop making your home a hotel for her.

Contact the council on aging for an assessment. She needs to begin the process of being placed. It takes a bit. Usually assets have to be less than 2000 to qualify for medicaid. So if she has more than that you will have to pay for care.

@ BarbBrooklyn
"Many adult day cares have transport included."

sounds easy enough except we are on a gated property that they can not enter due to locked gate (would be a royal pain to work out getting them in, ambulance wont even enter if the gate is open, have to meet them at the road at the end of the driveway) and the road is to far from the house to easily get her there to be picked up


"Has she been diagnosed with dementia?"
... no
her dr has done the 'questions' to make sure she is alert with memory ... saying a story then asking things in the story etc
and she answers everything fine, I couldn't remember the answers to the questions they asked, think i need to get diagnosed LOL ... I take her to every appt with her and sit in


"A "needs assessment" is an objective, professional assessment of what her needs are in terms of her activities of daily living (what she can and can't do to care for herself)."
... sounds like it is needed, will have to do it


"IF she doesn't have dementia, this MIGHT prove to be a useful step, as it would demonstrate to her that you are serious in your efforts to get her to adhere to house rules."
... even if she decides to adhere to house rules now, she has been disrespectful for too long and it won't change that I want her out.

"How does your husband react to her verbal abuse?"
he is a saint and ignores it and moves on, much better than how I am handling the crap she puts him through, sometimes literally. ;)

He does prepare all her meals ... she can not prepare her own as she creates a complete disaster in the kitchen if we try to let her do it herself. (again, not sure if this is on purpose, as she seems very smart about manipulating)

===============

@ jeannegibbs

You are correct, I am no longer interested in improving her behavior. I want her out... and I do not care how terrible that makes me sound. My husband is the most decent man in the world, I have had the pleasure of being married to him for 30 years, he is my best friend, and does not deserve to be disrespected any longer.

"What kind of day-to-day help does she need?"
... to me it seems lots since she can barely move due to her back pain. sometimes doesn't even make it to the bathroom on time which my husband also cleans up. Plus she will not take all her pills if someone does not supervise. I arrange all her pills in her pill containers and used to just give her the container until I noticed that she tends to skip them and or take the wrong days and can not be trusted to take her medication properly on her own.

She was a psychiatric nurse and I have to wonder if some of the stuff she does is 'on purpose' to manipulate due to the fact how well she did with story questions at the dr office not so long ago.

"Contact the Area Agency on Aging to learn about options and how to find out more. Arrange a needs assessment."
... it seems I am going to have to do this, which none of us will like since we don't like strangers coming to the house.

She will definately need medicaid and I think I would like an medicaid expert elder attorney to help so we do things right.
I am beginning to try to get all her bank records etc in order now.

I'm afraid of what she might start to pull once she knows I am totally serious about wanting her out.


================

@jbclync
"Contact the council on aging for an assessment. She needs to begin the process of being placed."
... This is what I will have to do asap. I do not have much time for such things which is another reason this is not working out.

I use every single vacation day I get from my job to take her to labs and dr. (which i have done for the past 7+ years) Anything above that makes me take time off that my work is not happy about and I do not blame them.

I get two weeks ... 10 days total
she has labs and dr every 3 months, I have no spare time for more ... shich is another reason I have to do this.

She is going to need more care as time goes on and I already do not have time for her current care.

thank you all, I will take my first baby step by contacting my local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a "Needs Assessment".    Oh and I already have POA since i needed it to deal with medicare and other things when needed.   

can her own dr do a needs assestment?  I will be going there the end of this month and already plan to request he recommend nh placement.

Your situation sounds similar to mine in several ways. So, I’ll tell you that all changes are a mix of being more difficult than you could have imagined and easier than you could have hoped for. So, rather than “baby steps,” I think of it as “one step at a time.” Some of them will feel so small that you’ll feel like you’re not getting anywhere. Others will be giant steps forward. The important thing is to keep moving yourself, your Mom and your family forward to something sustainable and better.
The personality changes - mean, deliberate defiance, pack rat, social withdrawal, paranoia - in my mom, these have been worsened or brought on by dementia.
It has been invaluable to have 1) a full psychological evaluation to diagnose and get a baseline on her dementia and other neurological issues, and 2) a geriatric doctor who understands the complexity of aging and who can be your partner in determining the best care for mom.
As final suggestion - consider respite care for yourself and your husband. Or, an in-home care companion. This person can give you relief from caregiving, and a chance to be on your own or a few hours away from the house together. A caregiver can also provide your Mom with a companion and confidant which she may need. It can be difficult to think about introducing someone into your home, but for everyone’s well-being it is worthy of trying. It can be the “reset” button you all need to continue this difficult labor of love.
Wishing you the best.

mrsray, My Sisters and I had the same problem and we put my Mom's name on a list at a new High Rise that was going up in our little town. When she was excepted, we told her and helped her move. She wasn't happy at first but, now, she is the happiest she's been in a long time. She plays bingo, cards and builds puzzles. It possible, just look at the options.

Hi Mrsray:

It is not healthy for you mother to be hanging around inactive, watching youTube all day.

Unless she has dementia or a serious medical condition, 76 is not that old. She should be doing things for herself like cooking and light cleaning and she needs a support system of people her own age.

You mentioned she is manipulative.  This may indicate a personality disorder like dependent personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder or histrionic personality disorder, etc.

These disorders are difficult to treat.

If she only needs, assisted living, medicaid will not pay for this.

They will only pay for nursing home care, once all her assets are exhausted.

To qualify for medicaid a person can not have any savings, or stock. 

In some states, if money is transferred out of her account to qualify her for medicaid, they do a "five-year look back".

You might be best served by talking to a qualified elder-care attorney. They can tell you what to do to proceed in the safest way.

I wondered what it was that caused you to take her out of her home and into yours? Was she dangerous living alone? It sounds like she is not independent, nor drives, is that right?
You have a right to move her and don’t worry about what she may pull. If it’s not what you signed up for then it is what it is and do not feel like your a bad person. We don’t get to pick our parents and they aren’t all sweet and lovely. Especially if there are personality disorders. I suggest you get the book called Loving Hard to Love Parents. By Dr. Paul Chafetz. It deals with adult children of difficult parents, and their personality disorders, dementia , how to talk to them etc. quick and easy read for you and hubby.
As far as her bathroom mistakes, get her pull-up briefs and remove all her current panties so she has no choice. I had to do this with my dad when he had urinary incontinence because otherwise he would wear his briefs. He was glad he began wearing them as no more embarrassing moments.

Personally, I would not ask her Dr. to do a needs assessment. I doubt that he is qualified for that, it is sort of a specialized field. Maybe you do need to change doctors, look at a Geriatric Dr. It has made a world of difference to us.

I wouldn't worry too much about getting her in a socialized situation unless she used to be very social. My mother hated people and did not want to be around anyone. She was that way from the time she was about 40 years old. She was happiest alone. I on the other hand am very different, I need socialization. So, what you think she needs may not be what she wants. Why force her.

I wouldn't worry about taking baby steps, my mother was one of the reasons my last marriage broke up. Funny, my husband was on her side, finally, I had enough and left them both. Your husband shouldn't have to put up with abuse.

I love this site, all the advice and encouragement is so right on.

fyi.... if your mom qualifies for Medicaid and has medical needs for Medicaid Long Term Care (through a number of insurance companies depending on your state and county), Medicaid LTC DOES cover adult day care, it does cover assisted living, nursing home (depending on level of care) or home-based in your home, her apartment or wherever, in which she can have services from an agency based on needs, i.e. personal care - bathing, grooming, toileting, ambulating/mobility, transferring, meal preparation, and/or homemaking - laundry, bed-making, , dusting, light vaccuming , all of this for the member only (not a whole family).... it also pays for supplies for incontinence such as briefs/diapers, or pull-ups, underpaid/chux, wipes, gloves. If they need it, they can receive Meals onWheels, or Food With Care, or Mom's Meals.

As far as socialization, I go with what someone else said, was your mom social earlier in her life? Mine was not, so her wanting to play computer games or watch tv all day, are natural. But MY mom has narcissistic personality disorder/manipulative, acts out with me, but is sweet in front of her adult grandchildren and others. And tonight took the cake. I had an out of town meeting and lunch, and called her afterward to wish her Happy Birthday and to make sure she remembered dinner downtown at 5:00. So I called when I was a 1/2 hr away, and she said she was ready, I asked her to be out the door at 4:30, she agreed. So I sat in the driveway for 15" and finally decided on checking on her. She was in the bathroom still primping and using the whole can of hairspray (which I can NOTTTT tolerate.. think I may be asthmatic, and I have asked her a number of times to not use it in the bathroom, but she does it anyway. However I said nothing about that and asked if she was ready as she was to be outside 10-15" earlier, she got mad and yelled something about being on the telephone for 15 and don't make her day any worse.... whoa! So, another 15-20" she finally comes out the door.... well then it's after 5:00 when the reservation was scheduled .... had to call and delay, and along the way, I decided.... she's p***ed me off one too many times, and now it's going to be assisted living or back to her own home 3 hours away with NOT support around,and I am NOT taking all my vacation days to travel to her town to check on her and take her to dr. appts. And as she has AGAIN gone out of her way to be nasty with me, I drove her to the restaurant and dropped her off in front to join the others, and I left and came on home alone :), watching movies on amazon and enjoying myself while she can enjoy time with the kids. But our conversation re: ALF or her home 3 hours away with hiring help, and my NOT visiting there, OR, I mentioned to her to sell her house, I sell mine and we get one with a different living area, like a mother-in=law suite with bathroom and kitchen , at opposite sides of the house, for privacy. We will see.

wow, I never imagined so many others deal with basically the exact same situation
I can't thank everyone enough for all the tips and advise that are pouring in!

@ Gardens
“one step at a time.” ... from this point forward  :)

a geriatric doctor sounds like a great idea, but again, i have 'no time' for new doctors and new appointments

as per the an in-home care companion, won't work, not only are strangers a bad idea at my house due to locked in property and land lord would not like it, I have 5 chihuahuas that would do nothing but bark and try to bite the in-home care companion's ankles the entire time, would not be much of a 'break'  LOL

======================

@ Lindav1828

What a great motivational story you have!  I pray for the same kind of outcome down the road for me and my family.

======================

@ Heather10

I totally understand its not healthy what mom is doing with her time, but can not change things as she does not listen to me and does what she wants.

She complains her back pain prevents her from moving around more.

She has no assests whatsoever.  Has not had any for over 5 years, we will be applying for medicaid as I am now organizing what I need to apply.

======================

@ Harpcat

"I wondered what it was that caused you to take her out of her home and into yours?"
GREAT QUESTION

I moved to FL from New England to get away from the cold and she welcomed my husband and I in her mobile home.  She was working then and retired a few years later.   Once retired, she stopped driving also, was having a few 'fender benders'.

Hurricane Wilma showed how scary a mobile home is during hurricane season.  My husband and I were invited to move into a secure house that a co worker of mine was renting.  We wanted to move as it was a much better location and safer home during storm season.

We asked her if she wanted to stay where she was or come with us and she also wanted a more secure / private location and moved with us.

Also, she does have pull-up briefs and uses them, just not all the time.  I might just need to remove all other panties she has.

======================

@ MaryKathleen

she used to be a little social, not hugely social.  She also would say things when she worked like ... if I had to stay home alone, I would go crazy.  But today has said she doesn't mind staying home and not really socializing.  I just feel it would be better for her.  We go out every saturday shopping for groceries and its early before most people get there and there are only workers, which she has come to love to talk to and socialize with.  (takes longer shopping now  LOL)  ... So, its just my gut telling me she would be happier with more socialization, yet, she talks so bad about anyone and everyone, and can not stand people for long, I also wonder if it is a good idea or not  LOL.

I can not imagine my husband siding with my mother, that must have been terrible.

and yes ... this site, all the advice and encouragement is so right on!!

======================

@ Myownlife

I feel terrible that I waited so long to get Medicaid going, I had no idea all the extra help she could have been getting.  I had no idea how much she needed it and really what it even was for.  My bad.

We are getting that ball rolling now.

I understand how mom can be frustrating, that's for sure.  Thank you for sharing your story to again show me that I am not alone in this.  ;)

I am going to call to get the 'needs assessment' going either today or tomorrow. See if we can go somewhere at the end of the month to have it done since I already will be out with her for her dr appt.

Thanks again to all!!!

One other suggestion if you have the funds for it. A geriatric care manager could be helping you by taking mom to doctors' appointments and reporting back to you. That way you wouldn't have to take off time for those appointments. They're often retired nurses, so have a good medical background. They could also keep all of mom's medications organized, etc. You've already received a lot of great suggestions to work with.

Good luck and please keep us posted - we all learn from each other.

step 1 complete :)

I just got off the phone with my local area agency on aging.

they said the 'needs assessment' is actually a 'medicaid waiver' that i want since it will be for medicaid application.

they will call me back 3-5 business days to schedule a phone assessment.

@ blannie
geriatric care manager sounds good, I will look into that too as soon as I can. thank you so much for that information.

thank you again everyone

I'm assuming you've already done this - but perhaps it's a good time to tell her that the living arrangement simply doesn't work for anyone now. It's not good for you, but more importantly, it isn't good for her. I don't know if she had dementia, but my dad lived with me for five years - but the last six weeks of his life (of course we didn't know that) he went to a memory care unit, because it was simply beyond what we could handle - with five people (two parents, three kids, one grandpa) to look out for him. But I discussed it with dad - the fact that he wasn't mingling with anyone, more reclusive and more harsh. He agreed (and I'll never know if he was fully onboard, or simply going along) but if there is anything left of a sane mother, perhaps it's time to say you have real concerns about her quality of life and that your hubby can't be her sole social interaction. Been there, done that. Hugs to you and hubby.

Your Mother needs more care than you and your husband can provide.

Just the medical diagnosis of diabetes, high blood pressure, and back pain brings huge challenges to one's mood, and ability to ambulate (walk) to the bathroom and kitchen.
If there is not a safe place to sit (like a recliner) she won't be leaving her room.

The medical conditions can be better treated, starting with a respite stint for physical rehab in a facility, ordered by her doctor, or an orthopedic specialist.

There will be people coming to your home. Facts of life.

So sorry for the extreme challenges your family has faced, with a hurricane, you working, your husband at home, and your Mother's decline.  Cage those little doggies when the needs assessment people show up.  Get them used to going in the cages now.

I totally understand when you say you need help with baby steps.  You are a caregiver!

I don't need baby steps. I need my mother out of my home now. Yesterday, was the final blow. I had made a reservation for a dinner out with several other family members to celebrate her 93rd birthday (she doesn't have dementia, but she has 93 years of narcissistic personality disorder, which means I have been on the receiving end for over 60 of those years. I called her to make sure she was almost ready and asked her to be outside in by the house waiting as I would be home in 10 minutes... I was running late. Fine no problem, she sounded fine and she would do that. I get home, waited in the car 20 minutes, walked inside and SHE yelled at me to not make her day any worse! She was in the middle of spraying a 2nd can of hairspray all over in the bathroom we share and for which makes me unable to breathe. I said nothing and walked back out to the car with my mind made up. Another 20 minutes later out she walked. I rolled all the windows done as that smell was suffocating, and drove her to the restaurant and let her out so she wouldn't have far to walk. I then proceeded to drive back home (the rest of everyone else was sitting at the reserved table outside, she only had a few steps to go. And I put signs on my door for when family returned her after supper... signs which said DO. NOT. DISTURB. I have had it with her treating me like *$%&. If I am brave enough to say it tomorrow, I will, if not, I will tell her this weekend that she needs to go. She has been belly-aching to go live in her house (3 hours) away, so I guess she can go back home. Her drama and snide remarks to me, and the sweet little grandma act to the others is ENOUGH. I have been trying to please her ALL MY FRICKIN' LIFE to no avail.... "I just want you to be happy". "I don't want to be a burden"... well guess what?!!!! I WAS happy until you started living with me, and guess what else?!!!! YOU. ARE a burden!!!

@ tiredonlychild

This is exactly what I will be telling her tomorrow on our weekly shopping day ..."the living arrangement simply doesn't work for anyone now."

Thanks for the hugs!

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@ Sendhelp

I do have a way to lock up the doggies, but hopefully will not have to get to that point since I am working on getting her different living arrangments.

Thank you for the understanding

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@ Myownlife

I pray you find peace ASAP. You do not deserve the stressful life you have at this time, I feel no one deserves things to be so out of control.

You inspire me to move fast on what needs to be done before I reach the stress levels you are at, as I am close enough now.

Prayers to you and yours... hope your happiness comes very soon.

@Myownlife
You deserve to have a life. Have you read on this forum about "Compassion Fatigue" and "Caregiver Burnout?"

I understand that you are done. And also very saddened that on your mother's 93rd Birthday, she would either not allow you to help her get ready for this event, or the dynamics between the two of you just blew up, as you contemplated how her history has shown her to be the sweet grandmother to the others and snide to you.

When a caregiver reaches that point when they can no longer be of help to their charge, it is time for you to get the help you need. Urgently. Understand, you are not alone.
No judgment here. You need someone to wrap their arms around you and hug you.

.

.

@sendhelp and @mrsray - thank you both for the comforting words. Today is quieter... yesterday and today both, I have been working out of home, kept my door locked with same sign "do not disturb"..... knock on the door earlier, "are you going to come out?" to which I replied "yeah, later". I actually have the next few hours off and am just staying here and enjoying myself. Going to pay some bills, read the mail, phone ringers turned off, too bad I don't have a portapotty in here :) maybe that will be my next amazon order! No, I have avoided her, and just relaxing. And oh year, gotta get started on my taxes.... ughhh. What I really have trouble believing is how soooo many of us are unhappy with trying to do "the right thing" and "what is expected of us". When I stumbled upon this forum, it was a Godsend. Maybe one day, we can all go on a "caregivers only" vacation :)

My Own Life:

If your mother has Narcissistic personality disorder, she is lucky to have you. Many adult children of NPD mothers cut off connections years earlier.

NPD mothers are often sneaky and present a sweet face to some people and a nasty face to others, often their own children. Sometimes, too, they engage in character assassination of the very people who treat them the kindest.

I hope you can get some help by following the steps Mrsray is taking.

Best wishes.

@Heather10 - Thank you!

mrsray accept the fact that your mother will never change her ways, that is the nature of the beast,
Concentrate on getting her into some sort of supervised living situation.
I would not take her back to her own home. All you will get out of that is her blaming you for dumping her in that dump especially if you now have a nice home. She won't be above having you charged with abandonment.
Once she is placed you can choose to see her as much or as little as you choose and get your life back.
Sorry to sound so harsh but that is just my opinion and what i see coming down the road. Hugs

WARNING, LONG POST

Well, I definitely have "Compassion Fatigue" and "Caregiver Burnout"

Today's shopping went really bad. I was praying not to blow up yet, I did. UGGG she enjoys it too, I have to stop, Lord help me. She won again today.

First in the car I asked her to find her marriage certificates, ss card, birth certificate, divorce papers etc for the medicaid application. She said "chrisTINE, (I stress the TINE because that's how she has said it when she is upset with me ever since I have been a child and still does it to this day, even though I have told her repeatedly it puts me on edge right off the bat when she starts a sentence that way) I don't know if I have any of that"

So, out of all the 'stuff and junk' that she cries about being missing or moved after we attempt cleaning, she has nothing of her 'important' things that every adult should have. Why am I not surprised.

I said, well you had to have that to apply for ss and she replied, that was so long ago but I will look and see what i can find.

so we get to walmart, and get her in her buggy and we start shopping. the dairy section is always last and she said, I have to get some underwear, and I told her go get it and meet me at the dairy section cause I went to the deli for sandwich meat.

I get to the dairy section and NO MOM ... I go to the underwear, NO MOM, back and forth 4 times NO MOM ... now I"m fuming.

From the opposite side of the store here she comes ... as she gets closer i'm like WTF mom ... and she gives me that "what, i didn't do anything look" while saying, i'm going as fast as I can, this is slow.

Where were you mom, you were supposed to meet me at the dairy section,

well, i had to go and get something else

mom that wasn't the deal, i looked all over for you for 20 minutes after telling you i had lots to do today and wanted to get home asap GET WHAT YOU NEED IN THE DAIRY AND LETS GO

ok, so then we check out, she gets in front of me at the register as I put things on the conveyer to be checked out, next thing I know she is gone.

when i find her, she is at the wrong door (where i was unable see her unless walking all the way to that door and looking down the hall to the exit door), again looking at me all innocent, "What? I was just waiting for you by the door ."

I said WE JUST WENT THROUGH THIS and you disappear AGAIN ... WTF, you are at the wrong door! we parked at the other one like we do EVERY WEEK.

now mind you, on the way to walmart, she knows exact dates of things I have coming up that I told her ONCE about but forgot the door we ALWAYS go to? COME ON

I told her I was sick of her manipulating me and she will not go shopping with me anymore... again she was like "chrisTINE, i didn't do it on purpose", repeatedly

hahahahahhaha
also please note, this is the first time EVER that she left the check out aisle to go wait at the door, usually waits at the end of the isle

anywho in the car I blew, screaming stating that I didn't know who she was anymore because 'my' mother would never hurt me like she has. How disrespectful she is for not doing a thing she is ever asked to do, like bring me one bag for goodwill each week that we could drop off on shopping days to help get her clutter better under control... simple things, but NOOO cant do a single one of them. EVER

I almost started to tell her how sick I have been all week with upset stomach and migraines from the stress, and how bad it sucks going to work feeling that sick every day because she stresses me out and wanted so badly to thank her for this latest part of this 'problem' .. but i stopped myself realizing 

1- why would she care
2 - she would be happy and very proud of herself deep down for how she made me feel

OH and then I heard, 'i have rights you know' LOL ... I had to laugh my butt off on that and then screamed 'what makes you think you have ANY rights'?

so it was bad, she kept telling me 'chrisTINE, "YOU" are the one with the problem all calm as I kept screaming ... until I finally said... joANN, you are correct and my problem is YOU

and she only responded with 'wow' LOL, like I'm the one being unreasonable even though for YEARS she has been inconsiderate and rude about her room and her stuff ... her stuff omg her stuff.

ya WOW my brain is saying ... cause now '"I" am the one with the problem' LOL ROFL OMG ... I have no problem admitting to the fact that I am not perfect and have a short temper ... with no patience at all as of late.  I even have said it before ... I know this is how I am.  Not everyone can be perfect like her.  Never doing any wrong and everyone else is either crazy or lying etc

In my brain thinking, well ya know what? PACK RAT, if you didn't have so much stuff and it could be put away where it belongs instead of PILES all over the room and your bed ... cleaning would not disturb ANY of "your stuff" as nothing would need to be moved and possibly misplaced.  ALL this fighting because of 'your stuff'', such stupidity

and I finished it with saying to her "this is exactly why our current living arrangement is not good for anyone anymore, and again, I need you to leave."


@ Veronica91

you are correct and today did help me big time to accept the fact that my mother will never change her ways.

Its always going to be 'everyone else' that has the problem, cause she is PERFECT in every way and innocent of everything ... and heaven forbid if anyone thinks otherwise.

"Concentrate on getting her into some sort of supervised living situation."...
putting the anger to motion and working on it ASAP

Her home no longer is an option as it has new owners.

but you are correct with her blaming me for abandonment, I can see it happening

"Once she is placed you can choose to see her as much or as little as you choose and get your life back."
I pray the day is near

and you are not being harsh at all ;)


@ Myownlife
I would love to get together with you to have a 'caregivers vacation' after you and I clean up the toxic crap going on we are dealing with. :)

I hope your 'do not disturb' night gave you some peace.

thank you for letting me vent