I don't know how to title this post...
For the last year I have been on quite a ride with my mom. I'm her only daughter, child and family.
At the time I'm writing this, my mom is lying in a hospital bed, and slowly dying.
She wanted to die in her own bed. I knew that. But, because of her unwillingness to get her affairs in order properly, and to trust and allow her only child to make that happen, she is dying away from her home.
Mom . .I really wish things were different.
The good news is, I drove out 300 miles to see her this last Thursday- and I knew it was for the last time.
I spent three hours with her. I played her piano for her to listen. She taught me the notes when I was very young, but I never really played much. I self - taught myself over the last 4 years and I play a few 'tunes' pretty darn well.
I told her that I loved her, not matter what, because she was my MOM. I admitted to her that her and I had a rough time relating over the years, but that I was still her daughter, and that she is still my Mom, and I truly loved her. I thought it was very important to say those words, no matter how mad or resentful I was at the way she treated me over the last year.
There's many layers to this story.
Without her assigning POA, or getting any of her directives in order, probably because she refused to accept that her end of life was near, or perhaps she thought I would 'throw her in a nursing home, or take all her money' . . .she is dying as I write this, and not to her wishes. Because I have no legal control.
I have been grieving for the last year.
The doctor spoke with me a little while ago and said that they are taking all life support off, and letting her pass naturally and with comfort. I thanked him profusely. He knew that it was time, he knew that I needed the relief soon. Funny huh, that I will be relieved once my Mom meets her maker.
I just wish I could've done more for her last moments on earth.
My Mom, has CHF, and over the last three months has taken 6 hospital trips to remove fluid from her lungs. No COVID. She refused to buy a prescription of lasix, 'because it costs too much'. After her last discharge just a little over a week ago, I was able to convince the case managers to convince my mom that hospice was a good idea. Last night, hospice failed us. She shouldn't have gone back to the Hospital. Even the doctor told me that. But he understood what happened.
Now, I just sit and wait for that 'phone call'. She won't be in her own bed - and I won't be able to hold her hand while she takes the next step. And that's what makes me so sad.
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Our relationships with those we feel we MUST love are often fraught with emotional minefields. Having someone die w/o having peace between us is awful. My own mom is slowly sliding into dementia and cannot carry on any meaningful conversations.
Time will heal this for you, and I hope for me also when my mom goes. It's too late to hear "I'm sorry" from her. I'm at peace with that.
I'm maybe being intrusive--but how did Hospice fail you? Did they take mom to the hospital against her wishes? Sad, if that's the case.
You did all you can, and more. Be gentle with yourself.
Lots of hugs!!!💗
Many well wishes.
Your post was written very well. I am so happy you got to tell your mother how much you loved her and how much she meant to you. You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink.
Your mom raised a very self sufficient, compassionate and loving person, so, as stubborn as she was, you coped very well & did the best you could. That’s all you can do and you did it with class and selflessly.
Note POA ends at the moment of death.
(1) IF she is on any kind of governmental insurance such as Tri-Care you need to notify them of her death.
(2) IF she is on any kind of government stipend like a military survivor benefit--you NEED to call them and let them know. If not the payments will continue and will have to be paid back.
(3) Social Security is automatically notified via funeral home of the death; however, follow up and make sure nothing "fell through the cracks".
(4) If she has a home, the home-owner's insurance needs to be notified because if the policy is under HER name you cannot claim anything;
(5) Banks and electric and utilities need to be notified.
(6) If she has any kind of life insurance they need to be notified along with a copy of the death certificate; further, you will need a copy of the funeral bill if no will was left or executor named.
After death there is a lot of work involved.
Sorry for your loss.
While you have asked that this thread be retired it does serve a lesson.
While "we"..the collective reading this..have read posts like this before have we all done what is needed to make things easier for our loved ones?
POLST, Health Care Directives, assigned POA for health and financial maters?
Do we have all our information in a location where it can be found? Will passwords be easy to find, insurance information and any of the other details. (cetude made a list of sorts) There is a pamphlet that can help called "5 Wishes" and it can help with organizing that info.
You did the best that you could for her with what she gave you.
So today, I will talk to him and ask him to please allow his son-in-law to appoint a new POA for him and to draw the paperwork up. My sister, a nurse has agreed to be the POA should there be a medical emergency.
What I’m seeing now, is that is that most seniors think that they will have plenty of time to think about these important matters and to address them....later. But we never know when “later” comes to visit.
with an aide I knew was sleeping at times...my Mom had very poor vision and was deaf..totally..so we used an
eraser board for few years..w a few laughs...I want to
confess it was not easy...the concern..feeling bad for her
..trying to be all for her...guilt when I knew she was alone in her senior apt....but I will say..when she passed I felt great
relief for her and me...I had been saying goodbye for awhile.
I did not want her to be in nsg home..which was a very good one..thankfully...Over this time since she passed I have had
great reflections on her as a woman with her own hopes and dreams..some which never materialized..like all of us...times
that she went through...it is a gift that you were her one and only..even through the tough times...we were placed in that role for our growth and theirs...it takes time and the perspective changes..you will hold onto the good as I do..
Mothers and daughters..not always easy...I wish you
healing in your grief as it will come in gentle waves and big
unruly ones...you did your best...be well my friend.
The generation in the 80-90's are very different than we are. They grew up in really bad times, great depression, WW2, saving every penny in cans, & paper money under the mattress. Mistrust of banks due to the depression. Second hand clothes, used shoes for themselves, but their children always wore clean, ironed pressed clothes.
That generation never believed in wills, POA's, all the things we, today, would or have done well before hand. In fact, it was well known that that age group, all took care of their own family, while sick & dying.
I do understand the woman who had this problem with her own Mom. But she did the best she could, and loved her. That's all that's really needed.
Our generation are more prepared & arrange things that make it easier for the family when the time comes.
But, this woman's Mom, lived in a world that is completely different than what we are living in.
May God bless the Mother and daughter.
Abd most daughter's do have good/bad times with their mothers.
She trusted me and my brother so we were able to hire help and have hospice in to keep her at home. I lived 750 miles away and my brother lived about 200 miles away. We were with her often in the last 18 months, but it is so important for the elder person to work with their caregivers and to trust. I don’t know how you can keep them at home without the trust.
It sounds like you did your best, so be at peace with yourself. We all need to be responsible for our own eol plans.