Follow
Share

It seems like the hardest part of aging, from what I see is people become so set in there ways and not excepting change.
It's what keeps us in are home, and honestly keeps us back in a lot of ways. When we could enjoy life in maybe senior housing, with no upkeep and lawn work, but I see many seniors that can't except this and many other things that go along with change. Any thoughts or suggestions or whys of why this happens?

Find Care & Housing

32 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
I think it's a generational thing. The 'Boomers' and the generation before them often lived in the same town they were born in and worked at the same job until they retired. Gen X is used to getting laid off, switching jobs and even careers, and moving around. We've never enjoyed the kind of stability our parents and grandparents did. So change isn't such a problem with my generation or the ones that come after it.

Gen X'ers don't get set in our ways because we've never been allowed the luxury of getting set in our ways. The older generation has been catered to. They've enjoyed job security and pensions. Not us. So they get set in their ways
(5)
Report
I agree with BC about never having those luxuries. Or, at least, few of us have.

I’ve often thought of people as being set in their ways because they are naturally fearful, so they reject change. Others are naturally more curious, enjoying new experiences, other perspectives.

I find I am enjoying new people, new cultures and new places more. However, my current home is my dream home and I’m sure I will fight having to leave.

I do get frustrated that, too often, when a well-designed product wears out, it is replaced with an unnecessarily complicated “upgrade” with built-in obsolescence. I want the old style! I’m tired of relearning that which should be simple. The infusion of technology where it does not belong! Maybe it IS my age. Maybe it’s my inner engineer. But 🤬, I don’t want my “smart” toilet to get hacked and upload photos of my bum to my social media accounts!
(10)
Report
I wish I knew. I used to be so bold and fearless, now I'm not sure if my recollections of those days are just false memories.
(3)
Report
Burnt, that's very interesting indeed,I'm sure that is a big part of it. I would add to that, more divorces, less people staying together, just because it's easier.

Ana, oh I hear you about technology, ugh took me two days to set a new TV up, but I did it!! 😁

Cwillie, I hear ya.
(2)
Report
Anxiety, I don't expect to "enjoy" my time in care.
Not at all.
And as a matter of fact, as I get more near to it I feel that dying on the floor in my home unable to summon help would be a blessing.
As you know, Neil had himself a stroke fewer than two weeks ago.
He was one of fewer than 10% who came out of it entirely intact. I count him very lucky, but I was over him when he was saying he wouldn't have an embolectomy shouting at him that I am "WILLING TO LET YOU GO, but I am NOT willing to allow you to survive half way to sit with no left side in a nursing home for more years".
And that was the truth.

Death is not the problem. It is the complete indignity of the losses. Park of those losses are resiliency. I just put a note up on Facebook saying basically "Leave me out of politics now; I haven't the elasticity. I just want to be left alone with my art, my garden, my friends, my foster dog, my true crime podcasts, and my huge bag of Trader Joe Original Potato chips".

So, nope. We are not adaptable. Tech is anathema. We don't have the brain cells and we don't have the adaptability. We are losing pieces of us along the way everywhere we go. Start with the hair, the eyes, the ears, the skin, and end with the cripples toes that don't even feel enough to KNOW they are crippled.

I say this as an 82 year old lucky enough (and quite honestly THRILLED) to be able to walk the streets of my city (they are more and more dangerous and more and more dirty). I say this as someone still with quite a lot of "interest" in it all.

But nope, like a rubber band left out in the sun, I don't snap back. Give me a pull and I just break. There's not a lot of "fun" left girl. AC is fun!!!!!!! But when your own daughter at mid 60s begins to crump, you start to wonder "Where's the exit and when can I get out of here".

I would love to skip the ALF. Like my bro said "It's like the army. I don't much like it but I make the best of it." I will as well. Just don't ask me to love it.
(7)
Report
Alva, thanks so much for that. Nice to hear the perspective of someone aging at home, as long as you can. As sad as it is the thought of falling and dieing in your bathroom, being a better option than AL , is good to hear, hard to hear but good.

As far as politics, we can't change it so we have to accept it or just block it out. No reason to let it ruin us. I agree with you , with that.

I feel, as for getting to know you this past year, that yes you have trac issues and other age related issue, but honestly, you are very open minded and maybe not as set in your ways as much as you may think. I think your pretty awesome.

As for all the other age related issue, ugh, that does NOT sound fun.
(2)
Report
For women, sometimes hormonal changes bring challenges with adaptability. Estrogen is a wonderful thing, when we have it. When we don't, despite our "want to", its lack can preclude adaptability.

I'm 60, and through menopause. It's harder now for me to catch on, and also to retain information. I HATE it, but that's just the way it is, for my brain.

I'm guessing there is a similar path that men's brains take.
(2)
Report
I am a Dreaded Boomer and moved 23 times in my life, having not even been in my hometown since 1980, I think it was, for a weekend return for a class reunion. I've had more jobs and careers than I can count and love change, too. While it's fun and cool to blame the Boomers for everything, it's not only unwarranted but ridiculous.

I accept change as an inevitable part of life and especially aging. I and dh will do whatever is required to keep ourselves safe and not living with any one of our 7 children as we age. Whatever we need to do, we'll do. Senior Living is fine and dandy with us, in fact. There's a great IL high rise in town we like a lot, so that can be an option. And it will be an enjoyable experience there, to boot!

And, if worse comes to worse, we have our own "exit plan" if things get very bad or dementia sets in.
(2)
Report
Thanks lea, much appreciated, I feel that I am also , rather adaptable, and I'm trying to not say no to new things and new adventures, when life would be less stressful to just not go on a trip, or do new things I'm really trying to be more of a yes man in the sence of doing new things.

Except hubby asked me if I wanted to go , Parsailing, that was a big fat NO. 😂

And Im trying to learn new things all the time, and I am concoring a tad bit of tech , compared to me a few years ago.

I'm just really worried about sitting being older and sitting around saying " kids this days, and those gosh darn hair cuts,," ect....

A few years ago , are local news caster we watched everyday, retired, I was actually mad at him. How dare he make me change. 😆 and realized ok your turning into mom.

One of those things caregiveing has taught me, that I want to be more adaptable
(3)
Report
Interesting discussion. I think we all have routines, daily or otherwise, and in that sense almost everyone is "set in their ways," no matter the generation. Mine right now is morning coffee, read the paper, do NY Times puzzles, check emails, etc. I'm almost 82, and have had multiple career shifts, not all of them voluntary. I've had to be flexible. We did live in one home for 38 years, but I had no qualms downsizing to a condo in another city, where we moved to be closer to family after my husband was diagnosed with Parkinson's. I grew up in a small apartment in NYC, and am not attached to places or "stuff," and I think that helps. While I Iove the condo, I wouldn't want to stay here at all costs; I've told my kids that I'd go into AL or a nursing home if needs be, and I'm adamant that they not sacrifice themselves to care giving.
(4)
Report
This is a fantastic question for discussion, because I wonder if my own mindset will change or not. Right now I feel that I would say "yes give me ALL the help!". What makes things change? I wonder if there has been any research into this....
(0)
Report
Casole, yes that's what I'm wondering..... I suspect some is moms is cognitive decline and the elders in there 90s are living in the 50s-60s era, and think we as women are supposed to run to the door when are husbands walk in with slippers and a drink in are hand.
Honestly I highly doubt my mom ever left that mentally.

I'm just wondering when I'm on my late 80s, am I going to have the 70-80s era mentally.
(1)
Report
My husband (passed in September at 71, had dementia) would not accept change. I think a lot of it had to do with pride. "I bought this house, I'm dying in this house." (He didn't, he died in a hospice house.) My father, who passed in February at 93, was the same attitude but did not have dementia. He was determined to not move out of his house. He and mom could have moved near us ten or fifteen years ago but they wouldn't consider change.

As for me, I am eager for change. I will be looking at Continuing Care Retirement Communities. I'm cleaning out and looking forward to moving. My adventure begins now and at 69 I need to do as much adventuring as I can before the clock starts ticking down. I'm currently reading "Oh No, Not The Home!" by Peggy Rowe (mother of the Dirty Jobs guy, Mike Rowe). They embraced the change of moving to a CCRC in their 80s and now they love it.

I will admit that I used to enjoy the challenge of setting up a new computer or other device, now I am to the point of "plug it in and hope it works." I hate that I have to keep the instruction books for the microwave, the new stove, the car etc. close at hand. Oh, and the glasses too, so I can read those instructions!
(7)
Report
Oh Graygrammie, I'm so so happy for you. You deserve some adventure fun and peace in your life!!
🤗

At 61 that truly gives me hope of life in my latter 60s
(0)
Report
I am figuring out people with narssasistic personality disorder, fight change , because that's giving up control.
(3)
Report
Anxietynacy, true and, beyond giving up control, having to LEARN something new means they don’t actually know everything. Doing what they have always done reduces the odds of making a mistake. Narcs are never wrong and never make mistakes, or so I was told all my life. What a difficult facade to maintain. My screw-ups make for great laughs.... later... eventually....
(1)
Report
Ana, 💡 💡 💡 💡's thanks!!
(0)
Report
Gray,
I just finished the same book. So cute! I love her writing. Uplifting, but practical, and funny!
(0)
Report
Nacy, I honestly think it’s a personality thing. Like most traits, if it’s already in you, it can be magnified in old age.

It’s also that we finally begin to accept ourselves for what we are, what we want, what we like and don’t like, after years of trying to fit into what others expect of us and we really don’t care anymore who disapproves.

To others that can be seen as holding ourselves back but on the other hand it is very liberating to finally admit, like Popeye, “I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam”!
(4)
Report
For myself, I get set in my ways because "my ways" are simple, not so dang complex. I grew up with the KISS theory and KISS theory seems so foreign to the younger generation. Example, why do I need two remote controls just to turn on the TV? Why does my refrig need to speak to my cellphone?


Not long ago I bought a new stove because the previous one was just to complicated to use. It's like, come on, I just want to heat water, not fly a 747. Same with the washing machine and dryer. I went to the appliance store and asked for "simple", well it did cost a lot more and I had to wait several months for delivery but boy it was well worth it. Laundry is no longer frustrating.


I stopped using my cellphone, and life became so much calmer. Oh I still own one but just because pay phones have disappeared off this planet. Right now I am using my desktop computer where I get to use ALL my fingers when typing :) I just found out my grand-daughter (who is in college) has also set aside her cellphone and she is finding herself so much happier.


Finally explained to my hubby's grown kids, that there will be NO new vehicles as the old Jeeps we have were built with the KISS theory in mind. Newer vehicles are just way too complex. Like, what?, no gear shift? That means I would need to put on my reading glasses to turn the dial to D or P. No thanks. I can shift gears blindfolded in my old vehicle.


Yeah, there's a reason people get set in their ways.
(8)
Report
Stay young and keep an open mind! having an opinion based on experience is not being set in your ways. Often as you age you have more experience to support your position.
(2)
Report
Personally, my folks were both in their 80s. My dad was more open minded than my mom. I am very liberal. I think it is a generational thing. It could be the way you are raised. I am open to living in a personal care home because caretaking has evolved for the better. It would be nice if it was affordable for all. No one once to lose their control or freedom towards their final years.
(0)
Report
Be open to surprises. Welcome interruptions to your "plans." Sometimes those interruptions will be the best thing that happened that day. Learn new things. Meet new people. Don't try to control everything ahead of time; that will make you crazy when it does not work out as expected. Approach each day thinking, "I wonder what will happen?"
(2)
Report
People have to want to change.
People need to see a reason / motivation to change.
People fear the unknown.
Practice living in present time (through meditation).

Google Rick Hanson, Ph.D., neuro-plasticity brain psychologistl + Buddhist scholar. Join his Wed night 6 Zoom meeting (meditation and dharma talk).
He attracts around 400+ people worldwide. It is very supportive, inspirational.

Everything starts with a desire, awareness, motivation when a person sees a benefit.

For me, it is looking at the longer picture as I age (73 now) - and how I envision and want to be as a age - aware, healthy, engaged, enjoying / finding comfort and fun. Although this that active engagement / work.

I had to go through a difficult grieving period the last 1-3/4 years and it is still with me. Aging means I will experience more grief and I need to prepare myself as best I can to manage these feelings. I find exercise / MOVING to be foundational to my well-being.

So many people are 'used to' not being pro-active ... And just exist really, passing time. People feel power-less. How does this turn around? For me, it was pain. As is said in the AA program(s), "you hit bottom and there is only one way to go" - do something positive to change. Lots of people accept as their only option to stay stuck ... however, that door is ALWAYS OPEN, regardless of age if a person wants to re-frame, reset ... find more inner peace. It is an inner investigation.

Feeling and being present means feeling all the icky painful feelings to process through them. Many people do not either believe this is possible and/or they don't want to feel the pain so they numb out (overeating, drinking - some addictive behavior), or dwell in a depressive state.

This is my $0.02. What do you and others think?

Gena / Touch Matters
(3)
Report
They used to say change is constant and not to resist it so it’s variety in life
maybe rearrange daily schedule
Do things at different tines
rearramge furniture nor even book order or stuff and you may find you adapt to change as you instigate it
not too much to stress you out tho!
Read a book you haven’t sort of thing - don’t just settle fur what you’re used to in your comfort zone box
in my youth I used to change jobs often- I’d just get bored :-)
anyway - it held me in good sted when I got older and company kept changing our jobs - where others would be traumatised I was rather like oh - ok
and just adapted
So my advice is shake up your routine a bit and try something maybe you haven’t done before - that could be read a book you wouldn’t normally have chosen-watch a film you wouldn’t normally choose to watch
maybe try an easy crossword
An element is in accepting change
best wishes
(0)
Report
Different strokes for different folks! Personally, I despise communal living so I would much rather die alone in my home than live in assisted living. It isn't about unaccepting change. It's about being in your senior years and living it the way you enjoy. Some people have a need to be around others so they like assisted living. To each his own....
(1)
Report
I have had this same thought! Probably just being aware that getting set in our ways as we age tends to happen will help keep us a bit more open minded.
(0)
Report
I think it is generational but as we move forward it won't be as bad as a lot of us have had to deal with. Today's older generation have to be tech savvy and adapt to the ever changing world. Our predecessors not so much. Back in their day tradition reigned supreme and acquiescing to the wants and needs of an elder was standard. Basically the old folks of generations past expected the younger generation to conform to what they wanted and that no longer is the norm.
(0)
Report
I’m not the innovator in my marriage, but I’m a good sidekick. I’ve been lucky enough to have a DH who loves to plan, travel, go go go, do road trips, and we’ve moved over 30 times with five kids. New jobs, new interests, new friends. I didn’t always like it, but now I know it’s kept me flexible, and I can pivot on a dime. Our last three week road trip in early 2024 was after my DH had Afib procedures, and I started to realize we may have to start ‘winding down’ our escapades. I determined (you just have to make a conscious decision sometimes) to say yes to every adventure and idea, knowing it may be the last time we see the Alamo, take a river cruise, swim in the Atlantic, see alligators, camp in the saguaro cactus National Park, on and on. Usually I hold back, but it was such a great time. And we leave on our next trip on Monday. My DH makes all the travel plans, and I just pack my own little bag and say, “what day are we leaving?” Honestly, if he dies before me I’ll probably become quite boring. More’s the loss. But looking back we’ve had a far more interesting life than most. He has never let us get too set in our ways and at 75, with three ablations and a bypass behind him, doesn’t appear to be letting up. We’re about to celebrate the 36th anniversary of our 39th birthdays.

We both retired last year, leased out the family home, downsized substantially, and moved to our ‘cabin in the woods’. We got back into organic vegetable gardening in November 2023 and a simpler way of life for sure!

This thread has been an endless source of comfort and information as my 73 YO brother was hospitalized for three months from a near-fatal car accident that has changed his life dramatically. I had to use the ‘unsafe discharge’ line I learned here on the hospital. Very effective. He just moved into a small senior independent living community last weekend, and he’s now doing quite well with ongoing PT, and will be getting further speech and memory rehab, but every step is a battle. I’m trying to teach him some tech, and last night he texted me a picture, and made a video call. Small wonders!! We seniors HAVE to keep up with some tech, just to follow our MyCharts or make money transfers at the least, and check in with the kids on Instagram. And visit this site!
(2)
Report
If you think about it, we are 'set in ways' for our entire life. Think of it as routine. As a kid, you get up at certain time, eat, catch the school bus, return home to do certain chores/activities, and then to bed about the same time every day. Then we get a job - rise at a certain time, morning activities before work, arrive at work, return home and start all over for the next. THEN we retire. Some will still keep a certain schedule of doing things, like walk every morning at 8am, volunteer at the library for 2 hrs, weekly lunch date with friend. Some will plan a vacation or trip to come up in the next month or so (similar to when you worked and planned to be off for a vacation). Regardless what we do in retirement, we all assume a routine a little different than we had pre-retirement.

If someone gets sick and has mobility issues or other problems that prevent routine of pre-health issues, these folks created routine based on what they can physically do. One day just turns in to another.

Some folks just do better with routine that is established by others: school, work, etc. Others probably always enjoyed change and squeezing new things into their daily lives. These two types of people probably are the same then as they are now.
(1)
Report

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter