I keep erasing this post before I finish it...start over...erase etc etc. I've never used a forum before, so I apologize if I'm not using the proper etiquette. I don't really know where to start, or if this is even the right place to. I don't even know if this will be read. I want to vent everything out, I want to scream to the whole world and I can't. I'm tired. I'm mad. I'm mostly mad. I'm very bitter. It's a recipe I hope will unleash some kind of fury where I go completely crazy and snap so I can collect myself and learn and move on but I don't ever snap...I think that scares me more. My 63 year old father has been living with us (my hubby, my 7 yr old son and I) for 6 months. He has a serious hoarding problem, he's had it his whole life, my mother as well, but they're divorced and hoarding separately. My mother likes to "hold on to things" in case they have a use later on. My father likes to find treasures at thrift stores and yard sales, he calls himself a "picker". But pickers usually sell their things and he just holds on to it, so that makes him a picker/collector/hoarder. Every day my father comes in with a bag or 2 of these "goodies". I've tried several things to get him to sell them, but he never bites. He gets agitated. I worry he'll get so angry with me he'll live on the streets. If you can imagine trying to find a place for 180 bags of assorted items, paintings, ornaments, wooden figurines, house hold appliances, electronics, trinkets, tea pots, Japanese pots, glassware, wooden boxes, carvings, etc etc etc etc, you can start to imagine my situation. He doesn't plan for his future. I was hoping he could stay with us while he gets back on his feet, but instead he's put his feet up and lived off us without saving a dime. Out of all the treasures he found...he hangs a 2 dollar dollarama 3d horse picture in my kitchen... He doesn't really help out financially, he's offered to buy the weekly groceries 3 times in 6 months. He does do the dishes most nights...but he never does them properly and we usually have to rewash them. I'd like to say he's trying...but that's stretching it.
Aside from his hoarding he also does not shower or bathe, he does not change his clothes and he's an alcoholic, a smoker (we quit over a year ago) and he refuses to take any kind of medication even if prescribed by his doctor. Though his drinking has dropped dramatically since he's stayed with us, I've yet to see him actually get drunk...but I have smelled alcohol on him. I grew up pretty rough with a lot of physical and mental abuse, and I have a lot of unresolved issues with both of my parents. We were actually put into foster care because of my parents hoarding and now that I have a son of my own, cleaning and planning have been a big deal for me. My son is my whole life, and I feel really stuck right now.
I'm angry that out of 6 older siblings who all have houses, high paying jobs, cars and extra rooms left me to deal with this on my own with only one income, no car in a small apartment that we just got by in the first place. I'm hurt because I'm a work from home mom so I could provide a constant stability for my son, so he could grow up in a different kind of home than I did, and my father is slowly but surely turning that home into the nightmare I escaped when I was 16.
I'm torn between wanting to take care of my dad and him being comfortable, and the realization that I can't do this and I need help. It's not fair to him or me or my family. I want him to be happy and healthy and he isn't that way here and I'm not either. I don't know what to do..I can't seem to have a heart to heart with him, he's very closed off. All I do know is that I feel like a prisoner in my little apartment watching my little home that I worked hard to create slowly become submerged in a sea of things that don't belong to me. This place feels less and less like home everyday.
Any advice out there?
Okay...here goes nothing, pressing submit...
@ jeannegibbs - I ask myself that question almost every day. "what was I thinking??" My heart was in the right place, it had nothing to do with trying to get a better relationship with my father though. I passed that point in my life a long time ago. My father is not very smart with his money. When he lost his first job he went on a drinking binge and we didn't see him for nearly a year even though he lived within walking distance and we tried to visit often. He stopped paying his bills and rent and food, his power was cut, he was eating canned beans and heating it with a kerosene lantern until his landlord gave up on him and threw him out. He did live on the streets temporarily until he got shared housing. When he lost his last job, he also lost his apartment because he worked for the building he lived in and his apartment was covered with the job. He had no choice but to pay rent as they took it out of his pay automatically. But when he left, there were severe damages to the unit from his excessive hoarding. I doubt he'll be getting any landlord references. He got by with what little money they gave him as severance. Right now his income is from employment insurance and that should be running out soon, and we're planning on setting him up with disability until he is 65 and can qualify for his pension. His spine is really bad and he has nerve damage but is so stubborn and wont get set up with disability...we're still working on it though.
I understand he needs to go. I'm on the same page there! I just wanted to help him get back on his feet since he didn't even bother making any plans. So the big issue is...how do I actually TELL him that in a gentle way? Better yet, how can I make that HIS idea? That would be nice:) wishful thinking maybe.
@ cattails - My husband supports me 100%, thankfully. It has been difficult for us both but he's had my back the whole way and I am incredibly grateful for that. He says he supports and respects my decision completely and just wants me to be happy. He agrees with me that he should be elsewhere, we're just trying to figure out how to approach that topic as gently as possible.
@AdVoCatabC456 - *breaths* Thank you so much for the advice. I'll contact you for that link, it's much appreciated. I'd like to understand more about his condition at least while we deal with moving forward.
@Lilygirl - I agree. I'm only 28, I'm still trying to figure out my own life and make a wonderful home for my son so that he has that stability and foundation that I never had. My husbands parents are all for us taking them in too. We'll be sure to nip that idea though.
Again, thank you all for the advice, I do appreciate it. It's nice to see there are some options I never thought of. My mother always tells me that I have to take care of her when she can't take care of herself. "I spent enough time changing your diapers, there's no reason you can't change mine" is her line. It's one of the biggest reasons I planned to go into a nursing home! :)
Whatever your father's medical issues, he does not belong in your home!!! If you want to provide a good home for your son, you also need to be respectful of your marriage. What are your husband's feelings on this?
Your dad is only 63 years old. Yet he is putting the burden of a roof over his head on you and your family. He will be this way til the day he dies, so you need to realize that and make changes to protect yourself and your family. He didn't look out for you when you were a child and he won't do it now either. He has a mental illness and your mom probably does too. Don't make your child live in the environment your dad insists on creating.
What is your dad's financial situation. Does he get SS at this time in his life? Would your sibs chip in to get him into a low income senior unit?
Your dad may have mellowed over the years, but he is still abusing you. It's time that you protect your family, like you wish your parents would had protected you.
Best wishes, Cattails
Maybe your sibs haven't taken on this responsibility because they are not letting their hearts overrule their heads. On this particular issue they may be behaving more rationally than you are.
Your father is an alcoholic, he smokes, he neglects his hygene, he hoards, and he refuses to take his medicines. And, oh yes, his childcare practices while you were growing up landed you in foster care. He was physically and mentally abusive.
Does that describe the situation pretty well?
And you decided to bring this 63 year old man into the home you are working so hard to make a clean, comfortable, nurturing place to raise your child, perhaps for the next 30 years.
What were you thinking??!!
You were probably thinking that you were doing the right thing, being the dutiful daughter, and that this might enable you build a better relationship with your father than you had while you were growing up.
Here is the reality: you can do those things WITHOUT having Father live with you. You gave it a good try for a half a year and IT IS NOT WORKING OUT. Be the dutiful daughter by helping Father find other suitable housing. Visit him. Have him over for dinner. Stay in touc. Don't live wiht him!!
What are his impairments that he can't live on his own? Help him find suitable support.
You can't take this six months, and you certainly aren't going to survive doing it until you are a grandmother yourself! Once we know your father's health status people will have suggestions for living arrangements.
Your parents did not put the welfare of their children high enough on their priorities (and/or didn't have the skills to do anything about that.) Don't make the same mistake. Focus on making a good, safe, home for your son and a happy family unit with husband and son.
Try not to resent your sibs because they had enough self-preservation skills to avoid this mess.
Good luck to you.