Help, I have a hoarding father and I want to move out of my own place.

Oh yes, I have advice, and I expect you'll get plenty. Many caregivers on this site have experiences similar to yours.

Maybe your sibs haven't taken on this responsibility because they are not letting their hearts overrule their heads. On this particular issue they may be behaving more rationally than you are.

Your father is an alcoholic, he smokes, he neglects his hygene, he hoards, and he refuses to take his medicines. And, oh yes, his childcare practices while you were growing up landed you in foster care. He was physically and mentally abusive.

Does that describe the situation pretty well?

And you decided to bring this 63 year old man into the home you are working so hard to make a clean, comfortable, nurturing place to raise your child, perhaps for the next 30 years.

What were you thinking??!!

You were probably thinking that you were doing the right thing, being the dutiful daughter, and that this might enable you build a better relationship with your father than you had while you were growing up.

Here is the reality: you can do those things WITHOUT having Father live with you. You gave it a good try for a half a year and IT IS NOT WORKING OUT. Be the dutiful daughter by helping Father find other suitable housing. Visit him. Have him over for dinner. Stay in touc. Don't live wiht him!!

What are his impairments that he can't live on his own? Help him find suitable support.

You can't take this six months, and you certainly aren't going to survive doing it until you are a grandmother yourself! Once we know your father's health status people will have suggestions for living arrangements.

Your parents did not put the welfare of their children high enough on their priorities (and/or didn't have the skills to do anything about that.) Don't make the same mistake. Focus on making a good, safe, home for your son and a happy family unit with husband and son.

Try not to resent your sibs because they had enough self-preservation skills to avoid this mess.

Good luck to you.

I agree with Jeanne 200 %. I would suggest that you check into senior living places. The kind that are for low income seniors and charge rent on a sliding scale. If you don't know about any in your area, contact your local Area on Aging or your local Department of Social Services and see what guidance they can give you.

Whatever your father's medical issues, he does not belong in your home!!! If you want to provide a good home for your son, you also need to be respectful of your marriage. What are your husband's feelings on this?

Your dad is only 63 years old. Yet he is putting the burden of a roof over his head on you and your family. He will be this way til the day he dies, so you need to realize that and make changes to protect yourself and your family. He didn't look out for you when you were a child and he won't do it now either. He has a mental illness and your mom probably does too. Don't make your child live in the environment your dad insists on creating.

What is your dad's financial situation. Does he get SS at this time in his life? Would your sibs chip in to get him into a low income senior unit?

Your dad may have mellowed over the years, but he is still abusing you. It's time that you protect your family, like you wish your parents would had protected you.

Best wishes, Cattails

Stop! Take a breath-there is help and you will get through this ordeal. The inside issues are not visiable. Please email me and I will link you to a link with the specialist of "hoarding". She says it is the need to be recognized for who we are, and this is the beginning of things gotten, things seen, or things still being purchased. It was a great inside to why we hoard and how families deal with the hoarder. Best regards, Linda Smith

Your dad needs to move out of your house! It doesn't sound like he has special health needs. You are far too young to have this responsibility. My husband & I are 61 & we take care of my dad. Why isn't your dad taking care of himself? It's not your fault or responsibility if he is an alcoholic. How does he support his hoarding? Don't ruin the rest of your life!

Wow, I wasn't expecting so many responses. Thanks for the advice, it's appreciated.

@ jeannegibbs - I ask myself that question almost every day. "what was I thinking??" My heart was in the right place, it had nothing to do with trying to get a better relationship with my father though. I passed that point in my life a long time ago. My father is not very smart with his money. When he lost his first job he went on a drinking binge and we didn't see him for nearly a year even though he lived within walking distance and we tried to visit often. He stopped paying his bills and rent and food, his power was cut, he was eating canned beans and heating it with a kerosene lantern until his landlord gave up on him and threw him out. He did live on the streets temporarily until he got shared housing. When he lost his last job, he also lost his apartment because he worked for the building he lived in and his apartment was covered with the job. He had no choice but to pay rent as they took it out of his pay automatically. But when he left, there were severe damages to the unit from his excessive hoarding. I doubt he'll be getting any landlord references. He got by with what little money they gave him as severance. Right now his income is from employment insurance and that should be running out soon, and we're planning on setting him up with disability until he is 65 and can qualify for his pension. His spine is really bad and he has nerve damage but is so stubborn and wont get set up with disability...we're still working on it though.

I understand he needs to go. I'm on the same page there! I just wanted to help him get back on his feet since he didn't even bother making any plans. So the big issue is...how do I actually TELL him that in a gentle way? Better yet, how can I make that HIS idea? That would be nice:) wishful thinking maybe.

@ cattails - My husband supports me 100%, thankfully. It has been difficult for us both but he's had my back the whole way and I am incredibly grateful for that. He says he supports and respects my decision completely and just wants me to be happy. He agrees with me that he should be elsewhere, we're just trying to figure out how to approach that topic as gently as possible.

@AdVoCatabC456 - *breaths* Thank you so much for the advice. I'll contact you for that link, it's much appreciated. I'd like to understand more about his condition at least while we deal with moving forward.

@Lilygirl - I agree. I'm only 28, I'm still trying to figure out my own life and make a wonderful home for my son so that he has that stability and foundation that I never had. My husbands parents are all for us taking them in too. We'll be sure to nip that idea though.

Again, thank you all for the advice, I do appreciate it. It's nice to see there are some options I never thought of. My mother always tells me that I have to take care of her when she can't take care of herself. "I spent enough time changing your diapers, there's no reason you can't change mine" is her line. It's one of the biggest reasons I planned to go into a nursing home! :)

Well, there's no doubt that he needs to go. My dad has stock piled "treasures" too. The basement and the attic in the house I grew up in were piled high to the ceiling with just a path to cut through. My mother kept the rest of the house free from his debris thank god. I guess if I was in your position, I'd have to talk to Dad about maybe his needing a bigger place for his things and that I realize that it must be difficult for him to live with us, and that I'd help find him a place... Even if he threw out everything (which he never would), sadly, you still need him out.

You wanted to help him get back on his feet. Is he on his feet? Is he saving? Is he making plans? Hmmm ...

Is he cooperating with your plan for him to apply for disability payments? What is his disability? Three of my relatives are on disability -- two middle-aged men and a young woman. It is an extremely helpful program for those who need it and qualify for it. The application process takes months. Has Father started it?

Subsidized housing is also a wonderful option for those who need it and qualify for it. Again, it requires an application process and there is often a waiting list.

I don't know why your father cannot hold a job. Could he be a real picker? That is, could he turn his hoarding into a souce of income? Could he sell his treasures at a flea market or to antique shops? Is that something he could get excited about?

If you can help him find housing, apply for disability or any other programs he might be eligible for, if you can point him in some directions for him to pursue for income, that will be a great gift and a good way to contribute to his care. But know this: His financial well being is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Do you best to help him. Don't take it on as your job. Just help. (And a good source of help might be your county's Social Services department or the Aging helpline.)

And, since the brainwashing is starting so early, protect yourself against the idea that you are responsible for your mother in her old age. Sure, help her. But she too is not your day-to-day hands-on responsibility.

I am so glad you have a supportive husband and can enjoy a normal family life now. Keep it that way. Bye-bye Dad.

Obviously I don't know him from a few sentences, but my sense is he is not going to take gentle hints, and moving out is not likely to be his idea. Am I right?

Telling him that you were glad to give him a breather and help him get back on his feet, but that it is time now for him to have his own place is not going to be easy. It may be one of the most difficult things you've done this year. But you've grown up with difficulties. You CAN do this. Especially with the support of your husband.

Very best wishes to you!

There are support agencies out there with the aged and disabled persons who will assist with the seniors who want to work. Try linking to your state's support agencies by going to the state government and then try linking into the support an older parent going back to work, etc. Play around with the link. I will look also to see what is there for your supports and family issues with "going back to work", which is not always an easy fix-referral sources may be the best assistance.

I agree Judy. this isn't healthy for anyone, I do need him out. Your mother must have had quite a difficult task! I greatly respect that she could keep up with that. I'll try slipping that he may need his own space for his stuff since we can't really supply that for him. Great idea!

AdVoCat, I know he'd rather work. His back gives him trouble but I found an application to a Thrift store yesterday, so I'll look into that, thanks!

jeanne, He's not on his feet. He doesn't save. It's the big reason I'm so tired in the first place. It always feels like I take one step forward and 2 steps back.

When he first came yes, I absolutely encouraged him to be a professional picker. Why not turn a bad habit into a good one? I gave him my walk in closet to use as storage for his things when he moved in. He told me he wanted to sell his things. And so I helped him by showing him local antique shops to sell his stuff and local thrift stores to buy, I set him up with a business email...*slaps forehead* Well that was great, he started bringing stuff in but not out. Okay so I make some room for it while he gets a little stock and help him sell it! Great! *slaps forehead* Wonderful, but now he's just filling up the spaces and then some and still not selling. Okay so I show him the value of the stuff he brings in, surely the price will motivate him to sell something! *slaps forehead* I try to get him to sell it and he snaps at me. I encourage he sells it and he walks away. I flat out tell him he needs to stop bringing this stuff in if he can't move stuff out and he doesn't even acknowledge he hears me. Okay great, not working...I start cataloging his items for him for easy reference and sell prices and encourage the business idea...but he has yet to sell a single thing. So I step back, I take a good look around. I accept that this has gone beyond a wish to sell and is just plain old hoarding and he's looking for any excuse to justify it. This went on for several months before I ran out of energy to continue supporting his bad habit.

I've helped him with his health card, finding him a doctor, making the appointments, giving him information about the government offices in the area, trying to get his taxes done, my sister in law came right to our home to do them for free and he didn't even bother digging his required documents out of a box even though he had many days to get it, he just said he would get them done somewhere else and left. I've tried telling him what he needs and where to go to get it...not a shocker that months later he didn't get them done by anyone yet. When he put things off constantly I would call the offices directly and hand him the phone. He would hate waiting and hang up, say he's going to go to the office instead. LEAVE to go there and come back hours later with more stuff. I ask if he went, he says "no, I'll go tomorrow" or next week, or next year. So I guess it's safe to say he's not very cooperative.

It's hard with my busy life since I do have to work at home during the day, I am still a mother and a wife and I take care of most of the home things, cooking, cleaning, planning, budgeting etc. We still have plans as a family and soccer games to get ready for, we participate in fundraisers that have been time consuming lately, as well as our involvement with our community and parent council at my little guys school... to have to physically go WITH him to these places just to make sure he actually goes is another pain. However I know deep down that's likely the only way I can get him to do this, and I resent him a lot. He's had nothing but time to kill for the last 6 months, and this took me 2 days of coming back to - just to write.

I appreciate your encouragement, I can and I will do this! I'm glad I came here. My anger was misdirected at my family for not helping when it should have been at him for not doing anything when he is able. It surprisingly opened up my eyes so thanks for the help everyone! I'm going to make some phone calls!

Well, good luck! It sounds like you tried your best to help him and he ...well... he crapped on you. Sorry. It was my first thought. So, I guess if you start to feel guilty about starting the process to get him out, you should think about what he's done to you lately! I wonder if you might find some housing information for him before you talk? Like what's out there, how much, how quickly he could move in, etc. Or not. The faster you put the idea out there, the faster he'll be out, right? Do you think he'll fight you on it?

I wouldn't count on the faster you bring this up, the faster he'll move. Didn't work so good on the taxes. This is not ever going to be "his idea" and it is not going to happen without firm persistence on your part. It may require some unpleasant confrontation. But for heaven's sake (and yours), do you want to put up with this for another 30 years?

If the idea of insisting that he leave and then enforcing it is too stressful to you, perhaps some counseling would help. Perhaps your siblings would be supportive of you in this situation. You deserve some help, but evicting Dad is something you'll have to do yourself.

Well....if you never bring it up and ask him to move, then it'll never happen, huh?! I agree though. You can ask and talk until your'e blue in the face, but he hasn't been a man of action, so Jeanne is right. This situation can't be good for your child either. Okay, that's my two cents again!

The best advice I've seen is to get him out of your house, as soon as possible. He is not someone you can help, because he has no history of cooperating with help. Your lifeboat is full; don't let him swamp it.
Tell your siblings you need help. Tell them you aren't asking them to take him in, but you need help to get him out. You need support to tell him...people who will remind you that you're doing the right thing. You may need help to find a shelter for him, or a group home or rooming house. Maybe a sibling can research that and you will have options for you to present.
Finally, get mad, stay mad until you get him out of there. It isn't good for you and there's no way it's good for your son. You all are making better choices than dad did, and you need to protect your capacity to care for yourselves.
Finally FINALLY, you may hear from people on this site who say its your job to take care of him. Remember that it isn't. It isn't. He has to go. Don't wait another month to get this moving. That's how years end up going by.

It sounds as though your father is depressed.....alcoholism is often a self-medicating attempt people use to feel better when the actual underlying problem is depression. I suspect your dad wouldn't take any antidepressants either and is self-medicating by drinking/buying stuff. Have you thought of giving him a time frame to either sell his stuff or he will have to move out? You will definitely need to follow through though. Getting help from the various mental health agencies might at least take some of the burden off of you. NAMI comes to mind but there are a lot of other places.

My heart goes out to you. My 84 year old mother-in-law is also a hoarder but seems to FINALLY realize that she needs to scale down. Now that she isn't physically able to go out and "shop" the purchases have come to an end. She is trying to go through things and get rid of them with the help of a NON-family member (I tried to help but met with "the wall of resistance"). It's my understanding that family cannot help the hoarder and that it takes an outside source.

Hoarding is just starting to be recognized as a mental health issue and there is some info on-line that might also be beneficial to you. Good luck and God bless.

Please DO NOT give him the option of staying in your home. He is an abusive man, and alcoholic, a hoarder, and a mooch. Your siblings obviously had enough of him. He can move into a rent controlled/HUD apartment that is based on income,. BUT many do inspections and will make him get ride of all his junk. He cares only for himself and his comfort. My mother is a hoarder. I was always ashamed because our house was such a mess. One thing you also need to worry about which I hope will give you impetus to kick the old ass to the curb: If CPS or DCFS find out about his myriad problems you could lose your child until he is gone. I think perhaps the emotional abuse feels 'normal' to you. You do not want it to a normal environment for your husband and child. None of you deserve it. ALANON is free, as is Adult Children of Alcoholics. You only get one chance at life. Haven't you suffered from him enough? He doesn't deserve your kindness. Your husband and child-and YOU-do. By letting him stay, you are enabling him. Stand up for yourself please!

I know your pain. Oh I feel it. My own Dad, who I love so much is in love with my Cousin, 50 years younger. I am ready too, to check out. In fact, I was thinking this very morning of getting my passport and leaving. I have a business and a nice house,wonderful husband. I don't think anyone knows how I feel. I have always been the rock in my family, but, since my Mother died I am quite alone in my thoughts. I was working out, quite a good fit, now I am fat and worried. I am tired of cooking and tired of working. I see no way out. I was thinking of writing a letter to my very best friend saying my thoughts, but I just can't do it. I am crazy or just wanting to get away?? I need to find myself again. OKAY, I am just talking stupid. Taking care of elder parents is not fun. I wish my Mom was here.I miss her so.

My goodness, You are getting some great advise. Call SRS. They may not help unless you get him to a Dr. and have him LEGALLY declared disabled or mentally unfit. I went through this with a friend 2 years ago. SRS has counseling services and other services that can help. Find an organizer ( a person that you pay to help organize your house) with hoarding experience to be an intermediary for you and help you get your space back until you get housing started for him. You work at home? Surely not all of that stuff is junk do some research on different types of items and ebay. Then sell, sell, sell! Get him an account with that money that YOU control for rent, food, etc. My guess is that he really won't miss the stuff if it goes out a bit at a time. He may even help you if he gets a 10% cut. ALL he gets for selling his stuff he may not know how to go about selling his stuff and gets angry because he sees the potential but doesn't understand the mechanics. Chin up, get him out, get his hoarding to work for him.
My friend died 3 weeks after I gave her the ultimatum of clean it up or SRS her house was so bad. But she was willing to do work with an organizer and me to get back on her feet. Her situation was just to bad.

By the way, most hoarders are very intelligent people. The groups that are most likely to be hoarders? Teachers, Drs., Lawyers, and nurses. Go figure.

It's hard to see the forest for the trees when dealing with someone we love. The optimism of a child towards a parent is probably only surpassed by the optimism most parents have for their children. However, it's highly unlikely anything will change without your father making changes. Hoarding is a mental illness and not one that is easily addressed. Coupled with alcoholism, what sounds like impulse control problems and inability to understand consequences, your dad likely has a whole host of mental health issues. You need to get him out of your home. Regardless of how supportive your husband is now. He's not a saint. His patience is likely to run out long before yours and it will affect your marriage. And, there's no telling the influence your father's behaviors are having on your son. Protect your family and get him out of your house as quickly as possible.

I thought when I first saw your letter, that no one had responded yet,...but, seems as though thats not the case! LOL! What Jeanne told you, was word per word what I was going to say, so ditto, & along with that let me add that YOU, your father, AND most definitely your children, will all be happier with dad somewhere else,..even if it is some sort of facility, at THIS point, you & him being on a personal level, if you try to stop his collecting/hoarding, he will throw fits & resent you & there be a large blow-up, but if someone ELSE does it, they can do it for the "safety" of others, abiding by policies or regulations, etc., and that be that. the hoarding goes much deeper, at this point, it would be cold hearted of me to say its a little late for family therapy, but you never know. I am keeping my mother alone, no financial help from any of my 6 siblings, have been caring for her for about 8 years now, feeding, clothing, etc., but her home is paid for we live in,..BUT, the yard costs about $375 a MONTH to keep up because it is so large, TONS of groceries, personals, plus the house is JUST old enough to fall apart everytime u walk thru it, leading to constant repair bills. I just dont even know what to do, she has alzheimers & sometimes she seems like other than her little puzzle books & cards, nothing else in the world exists, so I think well, "She could play with those anywhere, (nursing home), and I can breathe finally, BUT I think I would be so sad if she was somewhere else & worrying about her, I'd probably be just exchanging one misery for another, STILL unable to relax. Even though your time of caring for him has been a much shorter time, just the fact that you did at least give it any effort at all speaks VOLUMES for you as a human being, after what your childhood was like, according to what you said. Instead of beimng 'messed up" with oodles of issues FROM that childhood, you seem to have it together very well & have been providing a good home like for you & yours, do not let that go, it will be better for him somewhere else, do not feel guilty, you have no reason to. I hope you are able to find peace & happiness soon, I certainly understand that feeling, but if you were merely wanting reassurance that is is OK to have him move, you are not doing anything wrong, just follow your heart, or better yet, sit down with your children & ask them how they feel, too,..maybe that will make you feel better, too! Best of Luck to you! Val

Reading through your original post, and the comments, I had a theory about your father. Then I read a couple of sentences from someone else's comment, and those sentences made me want to share my theory...or at least ask a question. The sentences: "Coupled with alcoholism, what sounds like impulse control problems and inability to understand consequences, your dad likely has a whole host of mental health issues." As I learned more and more about your father, the profile sounded so much like that of my own father. I was waiting for the statement that he is also an alcoholic...because these things tend to go together.

Here's what I'd like to ask Sleepy---has your father ever been assessed for ADD/ADHD? My Dad is constantly buying stuff that he didn't even need, just for the *fix* that comes with making purchases. *I* also have the problem of liking to go to thrift stores and scavenging for stuff for free that I can make into other stuff (I'm ADHD). For me, it is about the search...it occupies my mind and puts me on high alert, which is a stimulating. ADHD folks are mostly treated with stimulants, and many self medicate with coffee, coke, and/or behaviors that create stimulation. Symptoms of ADD/ADHD include impulse control, procrastination, non-traditional behavior/routines, inability to keep to a schedule or regimen, etc.

It *could* be that he really is unfeeling or sloppy, etc...but it also could be that he is trying his best with an undiagnosed disorder that prevents him from having the tools he needs (dopamine) to behave any differently. It might be worthwhile to at least check out some good websites and run his behavior through some of their filters/tests to see if I'm out in left field on this, or if there might be a chance that adderal or ritalin might make a big difference. One really great place to get more information will come up if you google: totally add

About your mother's comment that she changed all your diapers so now you have to take care of her. #$^@&?! She made a decision to bring you into the world and with that decision came responsibilities, including changing diapers. You had no part in that decision and are not beholding to her.

One more thing about shifting anger. It's good that you aren't going to be angry at your siblings. But being angry at your Dad isn't quite right either....you keep trying to pick up after him...trying to fix things....you make a choice to get involved (and it's great that you care and help), but YOU are making a decision to the in the mess. Instead of being angry at him, you should turn the spotlight on yourself and do some work on creating boundaries rather than rescuing him over and over. That isn't working...and is just making you angry. Best wishes.

nmckensi: Sounds like you have some sharing to do. First of all, you can't be a rock forever and if that is your way of managing your life and family, I can see that it might sound easier to leave with no forwarding address than to explain to your wonderful husband that you are at the end of your rope. It's no shame to be a real person with feelings and desires and needs.

My heart goes out to you, but if you left and started a new life, you would still be that person who has to be the rock and you would find others to depend on you.

I wish you would get a good therapist and work through the issues facing you. You may find that your husband and others are more competent than you give them credit for and that they just let you be in charge because they trust you and you have led them to believe you can do it all alone. Maybe they think you want to do it all alone.

Your in a good place to discuss this openly. I would suggest that you start a thread on this site of your own. I think you will find that many people here are inclined to take on more responsibilities than necessary. And I mean that in the kindest possible way. There's a reason we are care givers.

I think you can open up a discussion that is helpful to many and hopefully to you too. Hugs, Cattails

Eldestdaughter: Good point.

You have tried your best. Please be satisfied with that. It is more than any of your siblings have done. Now, your family comes first. Find a place of his own for your father. Start with your local Health and Human Services office. There is subsidized housing for elderly. Next, QUICK BEATING YOURSELF UP!

I had my 93 yr old narcissistic mother in law living with me - the longest I could make was 3 months. She is now in assisted living, where she is getting the proper help she needs. I no longer have to pick her up off the floor when she falls. I no longer have to be treated as a bitch in my own home. She comes for supper on occasion, and we see her almost every day. Your father needs more help than you can give. YOUR number 1 priority is your husband and son. Stay strong, and DON'T take NO for an answer!

I love you. I have seen 2 hoarders too.

Sleepy, eldestdaughter has given you (and all of us) a compassionate insight into what MIGHT be going on here: "it also could be that he is trying his best with an undiagnosed disorder that prevents him from having the tools he needs (dopamine) to behave any differently."

This is certainly worth considering. Do the reading she suggests and follow up on it if it seems applicable, AFTER he is living elsewhere. Unless you are an expert in diagnosing and treating this kind of condition, you are not going to be able to cure him or fix him or even improve him on your own. Yes, look into getting him some diagnositic and treatment help. No, don't continue to enable his behavior in your home while putting your own family goals at risk.

First, get Dad moved into his own place. Second, make sure the family you are responsible for is settled into the new reality and is stable and happy.. Third, pursue further help for your father. Don't be too surprised if he rejects your help.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who would love to hear what is going on in your household right now. We care!

You can start with your county social services or office of the aging but he needs to go you can tell him he has one month to find other living arrangements-if he can go out and buy stuff and buy alcohol he can find some other place to live-even if you have to legally evict him do it after he is out get a dempster and chuck everything into it-6 months is enough time to help him to get on his feet-which you realize is never going to happen-since he has no plans to help himself do whatever you need to do to get him out as far as your mother is conserned tell her right out you will not take care of her-so she needs to start making plans now for when she requires care.

Hi Sleepy and I can only imagine how sick and tired you are over this situation. I apologize for the length of this, but, my heart goes out to you on so many levels and I pray you can grab daddy by his sorry kahunas and take YOUR life back!!!!

I have a miniscule understanding of the hoarding. My mother-in-law was a hoarder of sorts, but had a 5,000 sq. foot house to tuck the junk away. If it came through the front door, it wasn’t allowed to leave. Thank Heaven, she didn’t go purposefully scrounging up stuff up to bring home. When she died in 2010, we found receipts from 1973, S&H green stamp books, WWII letters and postcards from my father-in-laws mother from the early 1900’s, plus, old broken furniture and junk that should have been pitched years and years ago. Unreal, but at least, some of it did have a bit of sentimental value. I am sure it is especially difficult for you now that you are in the middle of it and have allowed your father into your home, it makes the decision to give him the boot even harder.

In a lot of situations, I think siblings are being cruel and unreasonable when it comes to the sharing of elder parental care, however, in your situation………I think you need to follow their lead and RUN as far from both of your parents as they have. Believe me, you will not get any points for Heaven doing what you are doing. And, in the end, all you will be is brokenhearted, probably penniless and homeless, lose your wonderful son and husband, miserable and right back where you started ~~ in your parents sick clutches. DON’T LET THAT HAPPEN!!!! Your father (and I use that word only because he donated sperm, but certainly hasn’t been much of a father) has moved in and taken control of you once again. STOP ALLOWING THAT!!! He WILL destroy you again and take your family down with you this time too. As fordellcastle pointed out, if the Department of Child and Family Services gets wind of him, you could possibly lose your son. I don’t think dear ol’ dad is worth taking that chance. Plus, you said there had been abuse in your past. If there was sexual abuse, I would get that pervert out of there before the next sunrise!!! Can you be certain he will leave your son alone? Or his friends, or the neighbor child?

Your parents have laid years and years of guilt on your shoulders and turned you into an enabler with all their abuse. The fact your mother has the nerve to tell you she changed your diapers so you owe it to her to change hers. That is absolute BS!!! Just as a previous poster said, she elected to have her children and when you bring that innocent life into this world there are certain responsibilities that come along with it. However, your parents did a really, really crappy job of owning up to those responsibilities for you and your siblings, so you don’t owe them SQUAT!!

For the sake of your sanity and that of your precious child and husband, stand up and SCREAM!!! I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!! You had the courage at 16 to take a stand and LEAVE to save yourself. Now you have a beautiful son, loving and devoted husband and worked very, very hard to establish the life you have always dreamed of having. DON’T SCREW IT UP FOR THIS MOOCH that has NEVER given you anything but pain and suffering. Your parents chose to live their lives and now it is YOUR turn to choose how YOU want to live yours. You don’t owe them a thing!! They may have had connubial bliss and conceived you, but they certainly were NOT loving, responsible parents. They sound cruel, lazy, self-centered, negative, whiny and controlling. Take the lead from your siblings and RUN!!

Are you by any chance the youngest? Why do you, of all the children, feel you owe them something or want to continue beating your head against a brick wall trying to change people who are not going to change? They are only going to continue to abuse you and now your son and husband right along with you. And believe me, your son is feeling the abuse, tension and seeing what unrest and illness your father is bringing into your home. It isn’t healthy in the slightest for him and for that reason ALONE!! you need to kick the bum as far out as possible. He is nothing but trouble and he IS highly, highly effecting your son and whether you realize it or not and want to admit it, your life is spiraling out of control and down the drain at a breakneck pace, gaining momentum with each passing day. You MUST STOP this!!! NOW!! As admirable and supportive as your husband is, and has been these past months, daddy dearest and his crap is definitely going to grow old and tired soon and your husband is going to get sick and tired of it. You are not the woman he married and the house you took so much pride in is becoming a L hole with all the junk being carted in and the space your family has to give up to accommodate the trash being dragged in on a daily basis. No man can have unlimited patience, especially when he is watching the home and family he loves being destroyed and you are not stepping up to the plate to bring it to a screeching halt. Your husband must love you a great deal by giving you the freedom to do what you feel emotionally necessary with your father, but don’t count on his tolerance for this major disruption to his family continuing forever. I would imagine his supporting you and giving you the freedom to get a grip is only going to last so long before he reaches his breaking point too.

I guarantee you, at his age, the odds of your father changing are about zip or less. He has multiple, multiple, multiple issues and you, my dear, can not change him or help him……….as you are sadly discovering. I give you mega credit for trying, but he not only is a hoarder, mooch, lazy, unmotivated, abusive, slug, but also an alcoholic. Just one of those issues could take years of rehabilitation to change………….and only if he wanted to change, but, he has proven many, many times he has no desire or motivation to get the help he needs to improve his life. You have gone WAY over and above with your kindness. NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, meaning your son and husband. Dad ain’t no kind of family. Remember, he left. His issues are so far beyond what you can handle it isn’t even something to consider. The same goes for your mother. You didn’t say much about her, but she sounds as sick and screwed up as he is just from what little you did say.

You have done a fabulous job of getting away and growing into a beautiful, loving, kind wife, mother and person in spite of them. DON’T, DON’T, DON’T let them draw you back into their unhealthy, sick lives EVER again!!!! Remember the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can’ and the wisdom to know the difference.” Please have the wisdom and understanding to realize you can’t change them and accept that it is okay. YOU don’t have to change them!!!! That is their job!! It is not your place; the ONLY one you can change is YOU! You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you and your family. YOU and THEY deserve nothing less than what you worked so hard to build. Your parents had their shot at life and royally blew it; don’t let their misery and illness continue to ruin your world. You are way, way too special to digress to what you once broke free from.

Yes, it is a tough road, especially since he has ensconced himself in your home for 6 months ~~ and, contrary to your best efforts ~~ been allowed to take over. We are taught to “honor thy father and mother” and if we feel we aren’t, we feel less than human and guilty. HOGWASH!!! Not when parents don’t have the decency to honor, respect and provide a clean, loving, stable home for their children. Once he is out, NEVER, EVER let him con himself again into your life. PLEASE, talk to all the organizations and people that have been previously suggested. You will need help evicting him BUT YOU MUST DO SO!! ASAP!!!

I think eldestdaughter presented valid points, but I implore you, don’t let what she said draw you back into a pity party for this man!!!! Yes he definitely IS sick and needs help. However, he is way, way, way beyond what you can do to help him. And, like I said, he needs to want the help and he certainly doesn’t. Once you have talked to those necessary to help you get him out, let them deal with his illness, they are trained to do it and can see it from an objective, professional, point of view. You can not. Otherwise, with your kind heart, you will be once again in the middle of it trying to save him. YOU CAN’T!!! You need to let go and let God. There is such a thing as tough love and sometimes you have to cut the ties in order to save yourself and those you love and hold closest to you. He will only continue dragging you into his quagmire as long as you let him. Eldestdaughter was dead on when she said YOU are making the choice to be in this mess and allowing him to continue controlling you. You are a big girl now, a wife and mother and a darned good one…………..as long as you immediately STOP letting this man rule who you are and what you agree to do for him. ONLY YOU can stop him from destroying YOUR life. As long as you continue to care for him, allow him to mooch, drink, abuse and mentally and financially destroy your family, you do need to turn the spotlight on yourself. Maybe, along the way, it would be helpful for you to speak to someone to help you sort through what your parents have done to you and why you feel you still want to help them. It will give you the strength you need to stand up for yourself and stop hearing their life-long, narcissistic abuse still dinging away at you and destroying your life. I am sure they have done some damage to you and are now continuing to pull the strings they used on an innocent child that will bring you back into their sick grip and world. Remember and NEVER forget, YOU did not create this mess, they got themselves into it. It was ALL their doing for whatever baggage and reasons they brought to the scenario. They have been given numerous chances to make their lives better and they choose to remain the same. You on the other hand, elected to do something with your life and I give you so much credit for having the strength to do it. Don’t blow it now!!! Stand your ground, be strong and like in the movie, scream, I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!! You not only owe it to your precious son, your loving husband, but most of all, yourself.

I wish you luck and I hope you will keep us posted. There are tons of us rooting for you and with all our hearts want to see you happy, healthy and free to live the life you so richly deserve and had the courage to stand up for and claim!!! DON’T LET TWO SAD PEOPLE RUIN ALL YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED ~~ IN SPITE OF THEM!!!

Many hugs and blessings!!

At age 63, your Dad needs his own home! No matter what the arrangements are or have been, get this man into an apt., house, condo, or room of his own.
No excuses about money, your Mom, your husband, your health, get this man his own place.

To clarify---My comments about him possibly having ADD/ADHD were *not* meant to provide an excuse or free pass. Far from it. He would still be responsible for getting help/medication/counseling....but it *might* translate into the fact that he wasn't quite the mean SOB that it seemed. It's hard to tell sometimes and that's why I gave the beginning bits and suggested you learn more and filter everything yourself. If you google Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder you will find another really good place where you can learn more. Someone earlier suggested NAMI and they are great as well.

After you tell him when he needs to get out change the locks on the door-if he fights you call the police to protect your family and the neithbors also. You and hubby can sit down with him and tell him of your plan and act on it-he has to go.