I keep erasing this post before I finish it...start over...erase etc etc. I've never used a forum before, so I apologize if I'm not using the proper etiquette. I don't really know where to start, or if this is even the right place to. I don't even know if this will be read. I want to vent everything out, I want to scream to the whole world and I can't. I'm tired. I'm mad. I'm mostly mad. I'm very bitter. It's a recipe I hope will unleash some kind of fury where I go completely crazy and snap so I can collect myself and learn and move on but I don't ever snap...I think that scares me more. My 63 year old father has been living with us (my hubby, my 7 yr old son and I) for 6 months. He has a serious hoarding problem, he's had it his whole life, my mother as well, but they're divorced and hoarding separately. My mother likes to "hold on to things" in case they have a use later on. My father likes to find treasures at thrift stores and yard sales, he calls himself a "picker". But pickers usually sell their things and he just holds on to it, so that makes him a picker/collector/hoarder. Every day my father comes in with a bag or 2 of these "goodies". I've tried several things to get him to sell them, but he never bites. He gets agitated. I worry he'll get so angry with me he'll live on the streets. If you can imagine trying to find a place for 180 bags of assorted items, paintings, ornaments, wooden figurines, house hold appliances, electronics, trinkets, tea pots, Japanese pots, glassware, wooden boxes, carvings, etc etc etc etc, you can start to imagine my situation. He doesn't plan for his future. I was hoping he could stay with us while he gets back on his feet, but instead he's put his feet up and lived off us without saving a dime. Out of all the treasures he found...he hangs a 2 dollar dollarama 3d horse picture in my kitchen... He doesn't really help out financially, he's offered to buy the weekly groceries 3 times in 6 months. He does do the dishes most nights...but he never does them properly and we usually have to rewash them. I'd like to say he's trying...but that's stretching it.
Aside from his hoarding he also does not shower or bathe, he does not change his clothes and he's an alcoholic, a smoker (we quit over a year ago) and he refuses to take any kind of medication even if prescribed by his doctor. Though his drinking has dropped dramatically since he's stayed with us, I've yet to see him actually get drunk...but I have smelled alcohol on him. I grew up pretty rough with a lot of physical and mental abuse, and I have a lot of unresolved issues with both of my parents. We were actually put into foster care because of my parents hoarding and now that I have a son of my own, cleaning and planning have been a big deal for me. My son is my whole life, and I feel really stuck right now.
I'm angry that out of 6 older siblings who all have houses, high paying jobs, cars and extra rooms left me to deal with this on my own with only one income, no car in a small apartment that we just got by in the first place. I'm hurt because I'm a work from home mom so I could provide a constant stability for my son, so he could grow up in a different kind of home than I did, and my father is slowly but surely turning that home into the nightmare I escaped when I was 16.
I'm torn between wanting to take care of my dad and him being comfortable, and the realization that I can't do this and I need help. It's not fair to him or me or my family. I want him to be happy and healthy and he isn't that way here and I'm not either. I don't know what to do..I can't seem to have a heart to heart with him, he's very closed off. All I do know is that I feel like a prisoner in my little apartment watching my little home that I worked hard to create slowly become submerged in a sea of things that don't belong to me. This place feels less and less like home everyday.
Any advice out there?
Okay...here goes nothing, pressing submit...
There was abuse from both my parents. My father neglected us, we didn't often see him. He worked all the time and when he wasn't working he was at the bar. But he wasn't my mother. Things didn't bother him, he didn't yell or hit, he didn't care. Not caring was better than being degraded and beat every day. Going to my dads was like getting a break from my mothers abuse, and hers was far worse. We lived with my mother, and she manipulated us on a daily basis, she was a very cruel person, very hateful, very sneaky. I am the youngest of 6 kids. I grew up with 2 of my siblings, the others moved out before I was born. My mother used the foster care we were put in against us later on, she blamed the messes on us, and when we were not listening or she thought we were misbehaving she would pretend to call child services and have a fake conversation with them to have them come and take us away. She would hit us and scream in our faces that we were worthless among some other horribly vulgar words I'll spare you. I saw the look on my siblings faces when she hurled those hateful words at them. I saw them believe it too, and I hated her for it. I grew up the peace keeper in a house full of manipulation and violence. I went through the therapy and invited the family counseling and I was cheated. After all was said and done, and the sessions were over I thought I had done some good. My mother looked me right in the eyes and told me she never changed for anyone in her life and she wasn't going to start with me. My family always said I was too sensitive but it was that sensitivity that made me know I was nothing like them. I couldn't understand how they couldn't care and I hated caring as much as I did. As a kid I never noticed my dad drinking more than he should, because I didn't know how much that should be. He wasn't violent when he drank, and when he hoarded he would bring stuff for me. He considered I might like something for no reason. My mother was just lazy and never cleaned. So I related better with him. the lesser of two evils. So maybe I felt like I should be there for him in his chaos when he was there in mine. My wishful thinking made me believe I could control his hoarding and encourage him to use it for good while he figured his life out and got on his feet. But when I realized that it is really nothing like that, and it could turn very ugly, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Which left me coming here.
My home is not turned upside down just yet, shockingly enough. I have managed to keep up with most of it, but I'm running out of space and it's feeling crowded. As it sank in that he was never going to sell any of this willingly and he would only keep bringing stuff in every single day; I saw the beginnings of my childhood home developing again. I will never let it get that bad, even if that means him leaving. My son and my husband will always come first and I will never put my son at risk of being taken away, ever. That's why I am angry at my father though. They saw us being dragged out of that house kicking and screaming. We had no idea what was going on, or why we had to go. We didn't know a clean house was even normal. The thought of him knowingly making that environment in my home with my son is what makes me angry. I'm not sure I'll ever really understand that it's not just a choice he's making consciously. I'll read into hoarding and get a better understanding. That should help.
My main concern is now getting him out. It didn't take a day to get him here and it wont take a day for him to go, but the process needs to start NOW. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. I'll keep posting and let you know how things move along.
Oh, and I have to mention the serenity prayer is something I lived by! I lack the wisdom of knowing the difference at times because I try to always think of something I could do but I think I've exhausted that here and it's safe to say I can accept that this will not change this way.
Thank you for the well wishes. *hugs* to you all for the support
There are others who are done by lawyers or their offices, but those probly take a bigger cut of the funds.
Social Workers or Area Agency on Aging should be able to point you to reputable offices or people who do those things.
Good luck with your father and, as so many have said, you have done your duty and it's time to move forward.
Get going, and FAST, on getting agencies involved to help your Dad, instead of you! Social workers can evaluate him right in your home, they can see that he is causing a serious health problem in your home, and it is UNSAFE for you to have him stay there.
He has mental/emotional/behavioral issues that have caused him to be dysfunctional all his life, it sounds like.
You cannot help him "get back on his feet"; the best you can do is get him hooked up with services and agencies that can help look after him.
Hoarding is a terrible symptom of underlying sickness.
He will need people and services to assist hiim with managing his money, because he clearly cannot.
He will need similar to find him a place to live, that is supervised, since he cannot supervise himself [his long history of habits].
He should be easily qualified for SSDI, but he needs help to apply for it properly, so that the people evaluating him for that, consider ALL his habits, deficiencies, behaviors that have put him into the conditions he is in.
CUE: it must be shown that he cannot work at any job for which he is qualified or trained to work, for enough hours to pay for his basic needs each month.
CUE: he needs medical and psych records [hopefully has at least some of these existing?] that support the claims that he is unable to support himself.
CUE: "support himself" includes being able to sustain a roof over his head, keep adequate nutrition/food he can eat daily, pay his basic needs bills for services he needs; work enough to earn enough to pay for his basic needs, AND it means if he is able to take care of his own personal business of paying for his needs out of money he earns---he has shown he cannot reliably make payments even when he has money, and, has shown he cannot keep his home healthy, and has shown...well,
The TRICK OF IT is getting him to cooperate with getting the Psych eveluations, the Doctor evaluations, to support why he needs Disability.
IF he is a Veteran, AND was in military during a wartime, and was some kind of injurred, even if it was PTSD and or a hearing loss, he can apply to the V.A. for help--both for medical and to get further medical and psych evaluations and help.
IF the V.A. determines that he was injurred due to his wartime / miltary service, he might be able to get some bit [sliding scale] of V.A. disability stipend.
BUT....
SOMEONE needs to manage his money, or he will be homeless again.
A Power of Attorney is a place to start--it is possible that you might find a POA form online. We had our Elder hand-write one, copying down what I wrote from a piece of paper, since they had no idea what to write--but coudl read what I wrote, and include all or part of what was in that list, on the paper they hand-wrote. Then make sure it is dated, and specifies if it is in perpetuity, or of limited time--if he limits the time it is good for, that expire date must also be on there.
THAT kind must be in his writing, and NOT notarized.
Just keep it on file.
IT can stipulate whoever he wants to be his POA, and can list what his wishes are for that person managing his money, his bills, housing, medical, legal, etc.
Hospitals also have packets containing "ADVANCE DIRECTIVES" so a person can say, legally, if they want to be resusitated or on life support, etc.
Good to have those on file, in a safe place.
ONCE YOU GET HIM OUT
there are ways to cledan up the mess left behind--we had to use non-toxic things to clean things up, otehrwise we'd have had to move out, too.
I used non-toxic, biodegradable things that critters do not like [mice, bugs], such as Bon Ami, Washing Soda, CitriSolv, Nature's Miracle liquids [from pet stores], and Cedarcidal "Best Yet",
to clean carpets and surfaces, to get rid of mold, bugs, filth.
Still dealing with it over 9 months later, but the stench is far less now than then.
PLEASE do NOT feel guilty about "failing".
Your sibs managed to stay away from his messes by not inviting him to their places. They saw it coming. They might not be too helpful for getting him help outside your home, either.
GUESSING--you the oldest child?
--this parent leaned on you to take him in?
--guessing he has always been able to twist your sensibilities into mush, for years previoiusly?
--guessing he has about done that again, to the point you might feel it will be difficult to find enough pieces to reconstruct your sensible self?
{{{sigh!}}}
Just get agencies and organizations to get him out of your home.
IS there any way you can get him to go away for a day or few?
COULD you get help to cart his junk out of the house, MAYbe to a tarped shelter somewhere [yard?]? WHile he is away.
When he gets back, the place has been cleared out--PARTICULARLY anything that has started clogging up otehr areas besides his room!]....neat and tidy.
When he gets home and wonders where his junk went, you have options
---Dad, the health department was gonna condemn the place, we HAD to get it moved out [you could honestly pull that one with him right there]
---Dad, we've been robbed! [OK, so that is underhanded, and needs help from police department...which you could get--like, file a police report or something, or call 911 and request a welfare check on your household due to an unhealthy individual who has overtaken your house with hoarding junk, and the family needs help.
Something like that.
I hope you find help and fast!
Clear your head! Get your sanity back and live your lives again. This is a crazy, unhealty situation for your whole family. Don't worry, he will adjust and find new interests. Best of luck to you and your family.
Redhead
No excuses about money, your Mom, your husband, your health, get this man his own place.
I have a miniscule understanding of the hoarding. My mother-in-law was a hoarder of sorts, but had a 5,000 sq. foot house to tuck the junk away. If it came through the front door, it wasn’t allowed to leave. Thank Heaven, she didn’t go purposefully scrounging up stuff up to bring home. When she died in 2010, we found receipts from 1973, S&H green stamp books, WWII letters and postcards from my father-in-laws mother from the early 1900’s, plus, old broken furniture and junk that should have been pitched years and years ago. Unreal, but at least, some of it did have a bit of sentimental value. I am sure it is especially difficult for you now that you are in the middle of it and have allowed your father into your home, it makes the decision to give him the boot even harder.
In a lot of situations, I think siblings are being cruel and unreasonable when it comes to the sharing of elder parental care, however, in your situation………I think you need to follow their lead and RUN as far from both of your parents as they have. Believe me, you will not get any points for Heaven doing what you are doing. And, in the end, all you will be is brokenhearted, probably penniless and homeless, lose your wonderful son and husband, miserable and right back where you started ~~ in your parents sick clutches. DON’T LET THAT HAPPEN!!!! Your father (and I use that word only because he donated sperm, but certainly hasn’t been much of a father) has moved in and taken control of you once again. STOP ALLOWING THAT!!! He WILL destroy you again and take your family down with you this time too. As fordellcastle pointed out, if the Department of Child and Family Services gets wind of him, you could possibly lose your son. I don’t think dear ol’ dad is worth taking that chance. Plus, you said there had been abuse in your past. If there was sexual abuse, I would get that pervert out of there before the next sunrise!!! Can you be certain he will leave your son alone? Or his friends, or the neighbor child?
Your parents have laid years and years of guilt on your shoulders and turned you into an enabler with all their abuse. The fact your mother has the nerve to tell you she changed your diapers so you owe it to her to change hers. That is absolute BS!!! Just as a previous poster said, she elected to have her children and when you bring that innocent life into this world there are certain responsibilities that come along with it. However, your parents did a really, really crappy job of owning up to those responsibilities for you and your siblings, so you don’t owe them SQUAT!!
For the sake of your sanity and that of your precious child and husband, stand up and SCREAM!!! I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!! You had the courage at 16 to take a stand and LEAVE to save yourself. Now you have a beautiful son, loving and devoted husband and worked very, very hard to establish the life you have always dreamed of having. DON’T SCREW IT UP FOR THIS MOOCH that has NEVER given you anything but pain and suffering. Your parents chose to live their lives and now it is YOUR turn to choose how YOU want to live yours. You don’t owe them a thing!! They may have had connubial bliss and conceived you, but they certainly were NOT loving, responsible parents. They sound cruel, lazy, self-centered, negative, whiny and controlling. Take the lead from your siblings and RUN!!
Are you by any chance the youngest? Why do you, of all the children, feel you owe them something or want to continue beating your head against a brick wall trying to change people who are not going to change? They are only going to continue to abuse you and now your son and husband right along with you. And believe me, your son is feeling the abuse, tension and seeing what unrest and illness your father is bringing into your home. It isn’t healthy in the slightest for him and for that reason ALONE!! you need to kick the bum as far out as possible. He is nothing but trouble and he IS highly, highly effecting your son and whether you realize it or not and want to admit it, your life is spiraling out of control and down the drain at a breakneck pace, gaining momentum with each passing day. You MUST STOP this!!! NOW!! As admirable and supportive as your husband is, and has been these past months, daddy dearest and his crap is definitely going to grow old and tired soon and your husband is going to get sick and tired of it. You are not the woman he married and the house you took so much pride in is becoming a L hole with all the junk being carted in and the space your family has to give up to accommodate the trash being dragged in on a daily basis. No man can have unlimited patience, especially when he is watching the home and family he loves being destroyed and you are not stepping up to the plate to bring it to a screeching halt. Your husband must love you a great deal by giving you the freedom to do what you feel emotionally necessary with your father, but don’t count on his tolerance for this major disruption to his family continuing forever. I would imagine his supporting you and giving you the freedom to get a grip is only going to last so long before he reaches his breaking point too.
I guarantee you, at his age, the odds of your father changing are about zip or less. He has multiple, multiple, multiple issues and you, my dear, can not change him or help him……….as you are sadly discovering. I give you mega credit for trying, but he not only is a hoarder, mooch, lazy, unmotivated, abusive, slug, but also an alcoholic. Just one of those issues could take years of rehabilitation to change………….and only if he wanted to change, but, he has proven many, many times he has no desire or motivation to get the help he needs to improve his life. You have gone WAY over and above with your kindness. NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, meaning your son and husband. Dad ain’t no kind of family. Remember, he left. His issues are so far beyond what you can handle it isn’t even something to consider. The same goes for your mother. You didn’t say much about her, but she sounds as sick and screwed up as he is just from what little you did say.
You have done a fabulous job of getting away and growing into a beautiful, loving, kind wife, mother and person in spite of them. DON’T, DON’T, DON’T let them draw you back into their unhealthy, sick lives EVER again!!!! Remember the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can’ and the wisdom to know the difference.” Please have the wisdom and understanding to realize you can’t change them and accept that it is okay. YOU don’t have to change them!!!! That is their job!! It is not your place; the ONLY one you can change is YOU! You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you and your family. YOU and THEY deserve nothing less than what you worked so hard to build. Your parents had their shot at life and royally blew it; don’t let their misery and illness continue to ruin your world. You are way, way too special to digress to what you once broke free from.
Yes, it is a tough road, especially since he has ensconced himself in your home for 6 months ~~ and, contrary to your best efforts ~~ been allowed to take over. We are taught to “honor thy father and mother” and if we feel we aren’t, we feel less than human and guilty. HOGWASH!!! Not when parents don’t have the decency to honor, respect and provide a clean, loving, stable home for their children. Once he is out, NEVER, EVER let him con himself again into your life. PLEASE, talk to all the organizations and people that have been previously suggested. You will need help evicting him BUT YOU MUST DO SO!! ASAP!!!
I think eldestdaughter presented valid points, but I implore you, don’t let what she said draw you back into a pity party for this man!!!! Yes he definitely IS sick and needs help. However, he is way, way, way beyond what you can do to help him. And, like I said, he needs to want the help and he certainly doesn’t. Once you have talked to those necessary to help you get him out, let them deal with his illness, they are trained to do it and can see it from an objective, professional, point of view. You can not. Otherwise, with your kind heart, you will be once again in the middle of it trying to save him. YOU CAN’T!!! You need to let go and let God. There is such a thing as tough love and sometimes you have to cut the ties in order to save yourself and those you love and hold closest to you. He will only continue dragging you into his quagmire as long as you let him. Eldestdaughter was dead on when she said YOU are making the choice to be in this mess and allowing him to continue controlling you. You are a big girl now, a wife and mother and a darned good one…………..as long as you immediately STOP letting this man rule who you are and what you agree to do for him. ONLY YOU can stop him from destroying YOUR life. As long as you continue to care for him, allow him to mooch, drink, abuse and mentally and financially destroy your family, you do need to turn the spotlight on yourself. Maybe, along the way, it would be helpful for you to speak to someone to help you sort through what your parents have done to you and why you feel you still want to help them. It will give you the strength you need to stand up for yourself and stop hearing their life-long, narcissistic abuse still dinging away at you and destroying your life. I am sure they have done some damage to you and are now continuing to pull the strings they used on an innocent child that will bring you back into their sick grip and world. Remember and NEVER forget, YOU did not create this mess, they got themselves into it. It was ALL their doing for whatever baggage and reasons they brought to the scenario. They have been given numerous chances to make their lives better and they choose to remain the same. You on the other hand, elected to do something with your life and I give you so much credit for having the strength to do it. Don’t blow it now!!! Stand your ground, be strong and like in the movie, scream, I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!! You not only owe it to your precious son, your loving husband, but most of all, yourself.
I wish you luck and I hope you will keep us posted. There are tons of us rooting for you and with all our hearts want to see you happy, healthy and free to live the life you so richly deserve and had the courage to stand up for and claim!!! DON’T LET TWO SAD PEOPLE RUIN ALL YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED ~~ IN SPITE OF THEM!!!
Many hugs and blessings!!
This is certainly worth considering. Do the reading she suggests and follow up on it if it seems applicable, AFTER he is living elsewhere. Unless you are an expert in diagnosing and treating this kind of condition, you are not going to be able to cure him or fix him or even improve him on your own. Yes, look into getting him some diagnositic and treatment help. No, don't continue to enable his behavior in your home while putting your own family goals at risk.
First, get Dad moved into his own place. Second, make sure the family you are responsible for is settled into the new reality and is stable and happy.. Third, pursue further help for your father. Don't be too surprised if he rejects your help.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who would love to hear what is going on in your household right now. We care!
I had my 93 yr old narcissistic mother in law living with me - the longest I could make was 3 months. She is now in assisted living, where she is getting the proper help she needs. I no longer have to pick her up off the floor when she falls. I no longer have to be treated as a bitch in my own home. She comes for supper on occasion, and we see her almost every day. Your father needs more help than you can give. YOUR number 1 priority is your husband and son. Stay strong, and DON'T take NO for an answer!
My heart goes out to you, but if you left and started a new life, you would still be that person who has to be the rock and you would find others to depend on you.
I wish you would get a good therapist and work through the issues facing you. You may find that your husband and others are more competent than you give them credit for and that they just let you be in charge because they trust you and you have led them to believe you can do it all alone. Maybe they think you want to do it all alone.
Your in a good place to discuss this openly. I would suggest that you start a thread on this site of your own. I think you will find that many people here are inclined to take on more responsibilities than necessary. And I mean that in the kindest possible way. There's a reason we are care givers.
I think you can open up a discussion that is helpful to many and hopefully to you too. Hugs, Cattails
Here's what I'd like to ask Sleepy---has your father ever been assessed for ADD/ADHD? My Dad is constantly buying stuff that he didn't even need, just for the *fix* that comes with making purchases. *I* also have the problem of liking to go to thrift stores and scavenging for stuff for free that I can make into other stuff (I'm ADHD). For me, it is about the search...it occupies my mind and puts me on high alert, which is a stimulating. ADHD folks are mostly treated with stimulants, and many self medicate with coffee, coke, and/or behaviors that create stimulation. Symptoms of ADD/ADHD include impulse control, procrastination, non-traditional behavior/routines, inability to keep to a schedule or regimen, etc.
It *could* be that he really is unfeeling or sloppy, etc...but it also could be that he is trying his best with an undiagnosed disorder that prevents him from having the tools he needs (dopamine) to behave any differently. It might be worthwhile to at least check out some good websites and run his behavior through some of their filters/tests to see if I'm out in left field on this, or if there might be a chance that adderal or ritalin might make a big difference. One really great place to get more information will come up if you google: totally add
About your mother's comment that she changed all your diapers so now you have to take care of her. #$^@&?! She made a decision to bring you into the world and with that decision came responsibilities, including changing diapers. You had no part in that decision and are not beholding to her.
One more thing about shifting anger. It's good that you aren't going to be angry at your siblings. But being angry at your Dad isn't quite right either....you keep trying to pick up after him...trying to fix things....you make a choice to get involved (and it's great that you care and help), but YOU are making a decision to the in the mess. Instead of being angry at him, you should turn the spotlight on yourself and do some work on creating boundaries rather than rescuing him over and over. That isn't working...and is just making you angry. Best wishes.
My friend died 3 weeks after I gave her the ultimatum of clean it up or SRS her house was so bad. But she was willing to do work with an organizer and me to get back on her feet. Her situation was just to bad.
By the way, most hoarders are very intelligent people. The groups that are most likely to be hoarders? Teachers, Drs., Lawyers, and nurses. Go figure.
My heart goes out to you. My 84 year old mother-in-law is also a hoarder but seems to FINALLY realize that she needs to scale down. Now that she isn't physically able to go out and "shop" the purchases have come to an end. She is trying to go through things and get rid of them with the help of a NON-family member (I tried to help but met with "the wall of resistance"). It's my understanding that family cannot help the hoarder and that it takes an outside source.
Hoarding is just starting to be recognized as a mental health issue and there is some info on-line that might also be beneficial to you. Good luck and God bless.
Tell your siblings you need help. Tell them you aren't asking them to take him in, but you need help to get him out. You need support to tell him...people who will remind you that you're doing the right thing. You may need help to find a shelter for him, or a group home or rooming house. Maybe a sibling can research that and you will have options for you to present.
Finally, get mad, stay mad until you get him out of there. It isn't good for you and there's no way it's good for your son. You all are making better choices than dad did, and you need to protect your capacity to care for yourselves.
Finally FINALLY, you may hear from people on this site who say its your job to take care of him. Remember that it isn't. It isn't. He has to go. Don't wait another month to get this moving. That's how years end up going by.
If the idea of insisting that he leave and then enforcing it is too stressful to you, perhaps some counseling would help. Perhaps your siblings would be supportive of you in this situation. You deserve some help, but evicting Dad is something you'll have to do yourself.
AdVoCat, I know he'd rather work. His back gives him trouble but I found an application to a Thrift store yesterday, so I'll look into that, thanks!
jeanne, He's not on his feet. He doesn't save. It's the big reason I'm so tired in the first place. It always feels like I take one step forward and 2 steps back.
When he first came yes, I absolutely encouraged him to be a professional picker. Why not turn a bad habit into a good one? I gave him my walk in closet to use as storage for his things when he moved in. He told me he wanted to sell his things. And so I helped him by showing him local antique shops to sell his stuff and local thrift stores to buy, I set him up with a business email...*slaps forehead* Well that was great, he started bringing stuff in but not out. Okay so I make some room for it while he gets a little stock and help him sell it! Great! *slaps forehead* Wonderful, but now he's just filling up the spaces and then some and still not selling. Okay so I show him the value of the stuff he brings in, surely the price will motivate him to sell something! *slaps forehead* I try to get him to sell it and he snaps at me. I encourage he sells it and he walks away. I flat out tell him he needs to stop bringing this stuff in if he can't move stuff out and he doesn't even acknowledge he hears me. Okay great, not working...I start cataloging his items for him for easy reference and sell prices and encourage the business idea...but he has yet to sell a single thing. So I step back, I take a good look around. I accept that this has gone beyond a wish to sell and is just plain old hoarding and he's looking for any excuse to justify it. This went on for several months before I ran out of energy to continue supporting his bad habit.
I've helped him with his health card, finding him a doctor, making the appointments, giving him information about the government offices in the area, trying to get his taxes done, my sister in law came right to our home to do them for free and he didn't even bother digging his required documents out of a box even though he had many days to get it, he just said he would get them done somewhere else and left. I've tried telling him what he needs and where to go to get it...not a shocker that months later he didn't get them done by anyone yet. When he put things off constantly I would call the offices directly and hand him the phone. He would hate waiting and hang up, say he's going to go to the office instead. LEAVE to go there and come back hours later with more stuff. I ask if he went, he says "no, I'll go tomorrow" or next week, or next year. So I guess it's safe to say he's not very cooperative.
It's hard with my busy life since I do have to work at home during the day, I am still a mother and a wife and I take care of most of the home things, cooking, cleaning, planning, budgeting etc. We still have plans as a family and soccer games to get ready for, we participate in fundraisers that have been time consuming lately, as well as our involvement with our community and parent council at my little guys school... to have to physically go WITH him to these places just to make sure he actually goes is another pain. However I know deep down that's likely the only way I can get him to do this, and I resent him a lot. He's had nothing but time to kill for the last 6 months, and this took me 2 days of coming back to - just to write.
I appreciate your encouragement, I can and I will do this! I'm glad I came here. My anger was misdirected at my family for not helping when it should have been at him for not doing anything when he is able. It surprisingly opened up my eyes so thanks for the help everyone! I'm going to make some phone calls!
Is he cooperating with your plan for him to apply for disability payments? What is his disability? Three of my relatives are on disability -- two middle-aged men and a young woman. It is an extremely helpful program for those who need it and qualify for it. The application process takes months. Has Father started it?
Subsidized housing is also a wonderful option for those who need it and qualify for it. Again, it requires an application process and there is often a waiting list.
I don't know why your father cannot hold a job. Could he be a real picker? That is, could he turn his hoarding into a souce of income? Could he sell his treasures at a flea market or to antique shops? Is that something he could get excited about?
If you can help him find housing, apply for disability or any other programs he might be eligible for, if you can point him in some directions for him to pursue for income, that will be a great gift and a good way to contribute to his care. But know this: His financial well being is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Do you best to help him. Don't take it on as your job. Just help. (And a good source of help might be your county's Social Services department or the Aging helpline.)
And, since the brainwashing is starting so early, protect yourself against the idea that you are responsible for your mother in her old age. Sure, help her. But she too is not your day-to-day hands-on responsibility.
I am so glad you have a supportive husband and can enjoy a normal family life now. Keep it that way. Bye-bye Dad.
Obviously I don't know him from a few sentences, but my sense is he is not going to take gentle hints, and moving out is not likely to be his idea. Am I right?
Telling him that you were glad to give him a breather and help him get back on his feet, but that it is time now for him to have his own place is not going to be easy. It may be one of the most difficult things you've done this year. But you've grown up with difficulties. You CAN do this. Especially with the support of your husband.
Very best wishes to you!