Here’s the one I never wanted to type out...
A few weeks ago, odd it seems like years, I posted that my dad had chosen to come home from a hospitalization followed by unsuccessful rehab attempt and be on home hospice. He has been in end stage congestive heart failure for a very long time now, mentally sharp, but so physically frail. Like many here, we’ve been down the road of knowing him living alone wasn’t safe, but he was adamant and of sound mind. The best we could do was put many precautions in place and convince him to hire an amazing part time helper. When he first came home, he rallied, enjoyed visiting many family and friends, made endless phone calls, and was thrilled with life. We got about 10 days of that, then he told us the feeling of the fluid building up was coming. Add to that, he somehow got a cold. The combination was too much and the decline was swift. He went within a few days from sitting in his favorite chair eating dinner, to being totally in bed, to not eating at all, to being on the big gun meds of hospice, to not responding to us anymore, to passing away. It was both extremely quick and extremely slow, if that makes sense. Hospice was a tremendous help, provided all we needed in terms of supplies and guidance. I’ll now know to caution people that what they don’t do is much hands on care, that’s on family.
We did a small graveside funeral, it was fine, all we needed. Another lesson learned, though my dad had scrupulously preplanned and paid for the whole thing, the funeral industry is slimy and still found ways to make us pay, “administrative fees” and a few other “incidentals” they managed to hold over us that we were not so subtly told must be paid to proceed with the funeral. It will be a great day for me if the funeral industry bottom feeders are driven out of business. My siblings have mostly left me to deal with the aftermath on my own, cleaning out the house to get it prepared for sale, and all the other tasks one does to close out a life. I’m some combination of broken hearted, numb, and relieved my dad isn’t suffering in a life he was so very tired of.
I’ve always been quietly annoyed at the tendency to make the dead into perfect people. My dad wasn’t perfect, he had his flaws and made his mistakes as we all do. What I can say is, my dad always, always had time for me. I never remember him not taking time to be involved and interested. He provided for us, not wealth, but a good example of a work ethic, lived a life of faith, and was both loving and loved. I will miss him the rest of my life.
Not sure what role I have here at AC now, but I do thank you all for the support and guidance these last years. This group has meant calm and reason so many times and it’s appreciated
Take time to heal, rest and see if you'd like to continue to share your always awesome advice here. ((((Hugs))))
May God grant you grieving mercies and strength during this time.
Your words are a beautiful legacy that your dad left you.
Be sure and keep track of the hours spent dealing with the house, you are entitled to be paid for your labors and you should do that since your siblings are not helping.
I'm so sorry to hear that your dad has passed away and of course with grief you are experiencing a myriad of feelings which is natural. As time goes on, you'll peel back those layers that seem to be all over the place - and all done at your own pace. Try to acknowledge each emotion as they come and allow them to run their course. No two people will grieve in the same way but, the one thing I have noticed is when people try to either rush through it or avoid it all together it seems to beg for the person to face it and often at the most inopportune times.
I'm glad that when he did come home from the hospital/rehab, he had ten good days in which he spent time with friends and family and most of all was "thrilled with life" - there are many who don't do those things or feel that way.
I understand your feelings toward the funeral business which is actually true of anything that feeds off an emotional event in a person's life whether good or bad - births, weddings and then deaths. My husband's sister and husband have owned a funeral home for 45 years, so I get it.
I'm sorry that you have been left with the aftermath of taking care of the numerous tasks ahead of you and that your siblings are not helping you. As an only child, I had to do the same thing after my dad died and before I could sell the house in order to pay for my mom to be placed in an AL facility. I have two storage units to go through and it's been five years - I just can't face anymore of it - there's so much as they lived through the great depression era and saved every single thing.
No, your dad wasn't perfect as there is no such thing as perfection in humanity but, as you pointed out the most important thing - he always had time for you and provided for all of you which that in itself is a great legacy. And yes, you will miss him the rest of your life - nothing or no one can take that away - it belongs to you.
As for your role here - right now you need all the time you have to deal with everything you're going through. But maybe somewhere down the line, you may feel like offering support and guidance to those who are new at experiencing grief. I'm sure when the right time comes, you'll know what to do!
May you feel God's love, comfort and peace in the days ahead -
"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." Rev. 21:4
((((Hugs))))
Many of us do--you'll get through this.
I also dislike the concept that people have that when someone dies, they are suddenly 'sanctified'. My OB died with a litany of actual crimes still 'pending' legal action and once he died, of course, they were moot.
Just because he was gone didn't make him suddenly an angel. It made it impossible to get closure on a lot of crummy things he did in life.
I hope you have peace as you clean dad's things and sense of closure and quiet in your heart.
The role you have here at AC is to continue sharing your experience, strength and hope with the rest of us who are still going through the daily grind of care giving for our loved one(s)! You are a huge wealth of knowledge gained from years of experience and THAT is what's most beneficial to all of us her at AC.
Don't go anywhere, k? We see LOTS of people who's LOs have passed on who still post here and give us the benefit of their wisdom. Please be one of them.
Sending you a hug and a prayer for healing.
Peace to you in this time of loss. May your memories bring you comfort and solace.
I am sorry to learn of your loss, as well as the funeral home position. I think that eventually as Millennials and Generation Z face losing their families, that traditional funerals will gradually become less common, and end of life events will trend more toward the individual and what his/her life was.
Your insights are valuable though, and reflect what I suspect many people feel, that mix of emotions which you articulated so well.
It sounds like you learned much from him and you will carry that forever, passing it on so he will live on in your mind, heart, and actions as well as those you have taught.
Your role here is to pass on what you have learned.
Many are going through what you have gone through and why plod your own path when someone has blazed a trail before you.
((HUGS))
You role here is invaluable to my mind. You have learned a lot. People have a lot of questions and you have a lot of experience. My bro passed away in May, and I am still here and enjoying being here. It's a help and a comfort for me. Do now what makes you the most comfortable. And take good care of yourself.
Some caregivers have benefited by continuing to post after their parent has passed. It can help going through the grief to identify with others. And there are topics, under 'grief'.
Then, there is a special thread started by Luckylu:
'Life after the loss of a loved one'.
You could enter that into the search icon.
Your idea of living more intentionally, and enjoying life more than ever-what a great lesson for us all!
I lost my Mom in 2017 and for a few months I didn't visit this forum. Eventually I started reading some of the questions, but didn't respond/comment as I just didn't feel "up to it". I get an email with the current "Newsfeed" so I stay updated on what's going on.
I have been left to take care of Mom's belongings because she and I lived together for 10 years and I am still using some of "her stuff" such as furniture, etc. Everywhere I look I see memories of Mom--good and bad, happy and sad. Some days I just want to run away, but I can't (Darn COVID 😩 ).
Take care of yourself and maybe you will find that includes visiting this forum and commenting when other people need help. {{{HUGS}}}
just know I'm sending you hugs and warm thoughts as you go through this process. <3
I've lost the 2 elderly aunts who were the original reason for me seeking this forum, yet I still come here. I find it cathartic, plus I still have elderly parents and in-laws and I know more tough days are ahead...
You surely have valuable advice to share here based on your experiences.