How do I help my homeless mother?

Your future husband comes first. Stop crying.

You do have a responsibility toward your mother, too, (in most cases). Where is Mother now? Living in a homeless shelter? Living under a bridge? Call Social Services in her county, explain the situation, and ask them to visit her to do an intake assessment. Unemployment benefits eventually run out; your mother cannot have been on that for years (although that is what she may have told you), so I wonder if she is already getting some kind of benefits and if she has a case worker. The Social Services person should be able to determine that.

The county Social Services department here is awesome, but I understand that in some states it is overwhelmed and underbudgetted and may not be able to help in a timely manner. If that is the case where your mother is, then I'd contact Adult Protection Services and explain your mother's eviction.

Do everything you can to see that your mother has a clean, safe place to live -- NOT WITH YOU. If this means you take a few days off from planning your wedding and go to her state, so be it. But do what you can by telephone first.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Building a strong relationship with your husband is now your first priority. Don't abandon your mother, and do give her reasonable help.

Let us know how this plays out. We learn from each other!

Thank you for your words. She is living from friend to friend's house right now, possible in a hotel room when she has money. She keeps telling us she has a job here in NJ starting soon, but she doesn't have a house or apartment so I don't know how she expects to work here unless she comes to our house. She refuses to go to a shelter or transitional home because she says that she is not homeless or destitute...but she is. She has begged me to keep her situation from my father and my young sister, but I think I should at least confide in my dad for advice. They did not have a nice break up, so I don't want to make my mom angry at me for telling him and have her do something that will wreck my wedding. I feel that she is a grown woman and should act like one instead of living in a fantasy world where things just fall into your lap, like a home or a job. We are afraid that she will just show up on our doorstep one day. Then what? Kick her out and loose my mom and ruin my wedding? I just don't know how else to handle it.

Here is the deal: Mother is not moving in with you. Not for a year, not for a month, not for a night. Her failure to plan does not constitute an emergency for you. So start working on a contingency plan. What are you going to do if she shows up at your door?

Are there any boarding facilities (such as a Y with beds) in your area? Transitional housing? Would she qualify for subsidized housing? (There is usually a waiting list, but the sooner she applies, the sooner her name will work its way up to the top.) What is the least expensive clean by-the-week motel in your area? Have some options in mind. She shows up, you take her to a moderate-priced restaurant, have a nice meal, show her the list and offer to give her a ride to the one of her choice.

If she moves to your area then you need to contact the Social Services folks in the county she moved to.

Is she on disability payments? Is she qualified?

There are many ways you can/should help her if she is willing to let you. But moving her in with you is definitely not one of them. Be very clear about that in your own mind and in your conversations with soon-to-be husband.

Try not to get so anxious about your wedding. In spite of the myths surrounding that event, it is seldom the best day in your life -- and wouldn't it be sad if you had the best day at age 32 and had nothing better to look forward to? Sure, it is special and you want it to be awesome. But if some small wedding task doesn't get done now because you have to run around making contingency plans for your mother or spend time talking to social workers, etc. your wedding won't be ruined. If your mother is angry and behaves badly before or during your wedding, that reflects badly on her, and would wreck your wedding only if you take the attitude that it is ruined.

You seem to be talking yourself into the position that you'll have no choice if she shows up. That is simply not true.

Next time she tells you she has a job lined up in NJ, ask her where she is planning to live. If she says she'll stay with you, explain firmly that you and sweetie have decided you need to live alone, so that won't be possible, but that you will help her look for lodging near where she will be working. She gets angry? Well, you can't control that, but if you lose your mom over that then I guess there was something fundamentally flawed in that relationship to start with. I think it is better to deal with this on the phone, soon, than to risk having her show up without plans.

And BTW, if your mother threatens to boycott your wedding over this, stay firm. "That is your choice, Mother. We will miss having you share this important milestone in my life, but you need to do what you think best." Do not be blackmailed.

jersey bride - I absolutely agree with what jeanne has written. My mother tried to stay with me a few times. I made the mistake, when I was young and living with a girlfriend, of letting her stay, as she said it was temporary. She would not lift a finger to help do what had to be done, expected me wait on her, and did not look for any other accommodation. She was sleeping on the sofa as we had a one bedroom apt and that curtailed our social life. When it became obvious to me that she had no intention of looking for somewhere else, I sat down with her, and the newspaper every evening, and said we would look for accomodation for her. She got mad very quickly, and stormed off and stayed at the YMCA. That is where she should have been all along. Do NOT, I repeat do NOT, under any circumstances alliow your mother to stay. Many years later mine came for a "visit" but would not leave unless I drove her 250 miles back to her apartment. She had come on the bus, and said she would return on the bus, till she got here and then she changed her plans. That was the last time she came to visit. I refused to have her after that. Your mother obviously has some pretty severe emotional/mental problems. Jeanne has give you excellent advice. I agree, do not even let her in the front door if she arrives there. Help her through social services, or other agencies where she is now, or if she comes to live where you are through the local agencies. You do need to have information about what is available before she comes, and I agree one or even two back up plans. She will try emotional blackmail, and you need to prepare yourself for that. If she chooses for whatever reason, to not attend your wedding, that is her decision, and don't let her use that to manipulate/emotionally blackmail you. I also agree do as much as you can by phone, rather than in person.

Stay strong and let us know how you make out. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Joan
Frankly I think your relationship with her is already damaged - not by anything you have done, but by what your mother has, and is doing. She is narcissistic and will insist on coming first -before anyone in your life, and not care what that does to you. That is very unhealthy. A heathy mother would be supporting you at this time any way she could. You cannot have a healthy relationshi with someone who behaves as she does. In my experience, you need to grieve that you never had nor will have the mother that you needed/need, accept her as she is, give her the assistance that is absoolutely necessary, but do NOT allow her into your home, or into your marriage. Your husband comes first, without question.

Jersey bride,
I am in the exact same situation except I just got married and have two stepsons full time in our two bedroom house. We have no room yet my mom is in a hotel thanks to Salvation Army. I'm so lost on what to do and heartbroken. It's easy for people to say what should be done when it's not their parent. I'm just curious what happened. What did you find. I'm desperate for help and appreciate any advice. Thanks for anything you can offer for advice

Jersey Bride and Larissa, you're getting advice from a number of women who are probably your mothers' ages. Listen to us because we have lived a lot longer than you and we've seen all kinds of situations and have lived through a lot of our own and learned from our mistakes!

You owe your moms compassion but you don't owe them a blank check to come into your lives and wreak havoc on your living arrangements and relationships. Your moms have made their own choices that weren't very good ones. But that doesn't mean you have to step in and take up the slack for their bad choices. As long as they have you to be *the adult* and bail them out, they don't have to take responsibility for their own choices. So drop the guilt and listen to your "adopted aunties" on here and set firm boundaries with your moms. Let me repeat that - firm boundaries. You've gotten lots of great advice on here...now just follow through. It won't be easy, but you'll be setting the stage for a happy life for yourself and your OWN new family of husband and pets.

As the others say do not let her move in with you. I have a cousin who put up with a pushy controlling and manipulative mother in law for 28 years. Almost from the time she married. She got tired of MIL so divorced once her child was old enough to understand. She now has a new life and is doing quite well. Don't let that happen to you. She couldn't even decorate HER house the way she wanted because of MIL. My mother lives with my family and we can hardly wait for the day she can go to a nursing home. She wouldn't be hard to take care if it wasn't for her personality. That's sad.

If you and mom are at each other's throats, can't stand it when she visits you, then having her move in with you will be World War III. You can love and help mom from a distance. If she is homeless and is picky where there is shelter then she will eventually learn her lesson. Do not make her move in with you. People can't come and live in your house without an invitation. Work on your relationship with your future husband if you plan on having a life together. If you neglect your relationship with your fiance, it will suffer. You already tried to have a relationship with mom but it is unsuccessful. People do not change and trying to change people is a full time job. If you change yourself and set boundaries and come up with your own rules then people will behave differently towards you.

You can help mom by not helping her. She needs tough love. Accepting any kind of shelter that has a roof over one's head so she is not out under a bridge or on the street should be a blessing. Beggars can not be choosy.

I am going through the same thing. I am only 16 and my mother is homeless. My older siblings won't let her stay with her. My mom by the way has schitzophrenia:(. How can I help?

tough love is the way to go, if it was me, I would not let her move in either, if there is a low rent housing area near by, try that and maybe pay her deposit if she does not have enough.

UPDATE: Well, she showed up on my door that night and stayed for 2 months. Now, I have a 6 week old and she did the same thing to me the week before she was born. She got a job as a live in caregiver for the mother of a friend and left my house in January. She came a week before my due date to help out and showed up being fired from her job and kicked out of her house for stealing things and opening a credit card in the old woman's name and not paying it. I refused to let her move in. She is living in hotels and staying at my house maybe one night a week when she runs out of money. She did get a job and found a place but with the money going to hotel rooms she cannot save anything. I have paid for her hotel rooms just to keep her out of my house. My husband and I want to be alone with our new baby.
Thanks for all of the advise and kind words, I just don't think I will ever get away from her.

Jersey Bride now Mom

Hi Zzzahkia. I grew up just like you. My mother and older brother are homeless and schitzoprenic. Unfortunately with schitzophrenia, paranoia accompanies their wild fantasies and delusions. You might be the best person to make decisions for you and them. You can't help anyone unless you help yourself first. Worry about you. Call 911 or an ambulance everytime they have an epside and tell the operator you need a mental health counselor to show up with the ambulance. If your mom is unwilling to seek help for herself and is a danger to you, herself or others, they will bring her to the hospital for psychiatric evaluation at the local hospital. Go down to the hospital with them. Tell the nurse that you understand HIPPA and that they can't tell you about your mom's condition, but that you're happy to explain what's going on if they'll listen. (They will listen.) Tell them, the doctor's anyone you can the whole truth, especially any paranoias or "trigger words". If you are lucky, they'll treat her and get her on medicine and help her get back on her feet with a place to live and treatment in a local respite home.Unfortunately, this is OUR lifelong struggle and I'm still battling this cycle today... You are not alone.

My aunt was going to be evicted so my mother went and paid all expenses to move her to her house. She thought it was to be a temp. arrangement but it became permanent. My aunt received SS benefits but allowed the grand daughter to access her checking account every month leaving my aunt with no money. Not even money for food or medicines etc. I went to back to stop the practice but they were unable to do anything because my aunt would not cooperate with bank and close her checking account. this has gone on for years now my mom had to be put in a nursing home and my aunt has no place to go. Her family wouldn't come and get her. she is in a nursing home now recovery from a blood clot. I cant take her in one I am sick myself and wouldn't have the funds for another person. My aunt and mother are so stubborn that we couldn't do anything with them but all professional people kept saying they are not taking med. correctly etc. I was told my mom needed to be in a nursing home- she would fall and then she would go recover ask to go home and they made an assessment she could walk to the refrig. go to bathroom and get a drink of water and they would release her. take her the doc. for follow up visit and dr. wanted to know why is was allowed home. This is such a stressful way to live I almost do not know what to do!!!!!!! Drs. need to be more pro-active with diagnosis and put your loved ones where they know they will be safe instead throwing off onto the family. I have some strength in knowing I am not the only one going through this

is this what happens when the economy sh*ts the bed ? unemployed mothers get doors slammed in their faces . the mothers might be lying , thieving troublemakers OR those details might have been added to justify the lack of compassion on the part of the kids . at no point in my life would my mother have ever not been welcome to live with me and she was bipolar as a housecat . im sure it would have been burdensome for my family but thats just the way it would have had to be .
jersey,
hug those three pets for me while your tossing ice water on your mom thru the screen door .

Captain, keep your mean comments to yourself. You make assumptions about someone you don't even know. This is a place for help and support, not a forum to judge others. You're lucky to have parents that you get along with and don't cause you heartache at every turn. Why are you even here? To spread hate? Keep your opinion to yourself.

I know this post is from three years ago but I wanted to say to JerseyBride that I have dealt with similar (and currently much worse) situations with my mother for the past 15 years and what I wish looking back on my life is that I had separated myself from her emotionally long along because now I am suffering my own emotional/mental crisis. This of course affects my family so essentially my mother's life problems has now claimed five victims not just one. I hope things have gotten better for you if not (as they never have for me) please try and remember your children and you come first. You are not responsible for your parents emotions and honestly if it has been going on as long as my situation I feel we are no longer responsible for them at all. Had that been the case all the other times we rescued them, let them stay with us, gave them money found new doctors, talked to social workers, filled out disability forms etc.... would have worked and life would be happy and perfect and not ended with her living in a shelter and me anxiety ridden in bed. So my advice for you...save yourself!

I don't see any compassion here... There by the grace of God go I ...

What does it mean to be compassionate? There by the grace of God go I ...

compassion - feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others.

I think we need to be compassionate/caring towards ourselves too. If caring for someone else affects us too negatively, we need to change what we are doing.

I see compassion on all that mimi tried to do for her mother - "we rescued them, let them stay with us, gave them money found new doctors, talked to social workers, filled out disability forms etc...." but her mother rejected all attempts to help her.

It sounds like mimi tried everything she could to help her mother, at the cost of her own health, but her mother did not cooperate at all. Finally mimi was worn out and had to attend to herself and her family. You need to care for yourself while caring for others. (((((((hugs)))))) mimi

I can tell that my daughter has read this because of the things that she has said to me. I have been living in my car since February. Money isn't the issue. I have a job and Social Security but I can't get a place to live because my credit is wrecked. I went through a foreclosure with the house that my daughter and son both lived in with me for almost twenty years. After years of doing and doing and doing for them, when things started going bad with the house, they both moved out. They had people to move in with. When I finally had to leave, I moved into my car.
I have read several of these"blogs" and all they are are selfish people encouraging others to be selfish. Loving and caring goes both ways. Mothers don't raise their children the best they can expecting their children to turn their backs on them when they need them the most. But then they find places like this on the Internet that encourage their children to stab them in the back, and "Oh, it's Mom's fault.".
I can't get a place to live because of my credit and I have no address. I don't know what I am going to do when it gets cold. And thanks to you people and what you encourage people to do, I can't go to my children. My daughter has even "researched" on the Internet and has given me a diagnosis of having Borderline Personality Disorder. I read about that in one of these "blogs", that that is what most homeless parents, especially mothers, have. She saw it and ran away with it.
I hope you are satisfied. You say about destroying relationship. You all have destroyed my relationship with my children, especially my daughter.

Dear Homeless; You are clearly an intelligent and clear-sighted person.

Have you been in touch with social services to find you temporary housing?

There are folks with Borderline Personality Disorder who are able to lead relatively normal lives when they are compliant with meds and therapy. Without those, folks with BPD go haywire; there are difficulties with forming close relationships that come into play and interfere with day to day functioning.

Yes I did get in touch with Social Services. They won't/can't help me because I have an income that is over $40.00 a month. I will just keep looking. Maybe something will turn up.
My objection to the BPD "diagnosis" is that my daughter gave me several dozen reasons why she wouldn't help me. I countered every one. Her last reason was her "diagnosis". This from someone who dropped out of college at the end of her first year, really didn't even finish the year. She apparently read about the BPD in one of these blogs and "researched" it. I guess she decided that it fit me because she said that she loves me but I have to get help. She has no degree in anything, much less Psychology, nothing to support her "diagnosis". Just another excuse to turn her back on me.

I'm sorry but I am very bitter about this. I always told my children that if they ever needed me, that I would be there for them. And I always tried to be there for them. I always thought that they would be there for me. Apparently not.

So Homeless Mother where are your friends? Are your children the only people you can depend on? Don't you have any other resources? I don't have children, but I'd never want to depend on my grown children, I'd look for other sources of support if I needed it - siblings or friends. Or a faith community or even a homeless shelter.

I have a feeling there's a backstory to your daughter's refusal to help you. It sounds like she's spent a lot of time trying to figure out your relationship and has set some boundaries with you. I doubt that was easy for her. Tell us more of the back story. Why was your credit wrecked, so that you are forced to live in your car? What choices have you made that have led you to this point? How do you want your daughter to be there for you?

Have you ever gone through a foreclosure on your house? I did, the whole process. A Court judgement does not look good, at all, on your credit report. It not only trashes your credit score but it takes almost forever to get off of your report.
As for the back story, we have always had a good relationship. We always got along. In 2009 she moved to California. She liked it at first but got homesick and was going to come back. Then she met this guy who got her started smoking pot. She had never done anything like that, that I knew of anyway. And she changed, not for the better. She didn't want to come back anymore because of this guy. I thought "Oh well maybe it will wear off.". But it didn't. He moved in, no job and lived off of her for almost a year. He was from Arizona and had to go back for some reason. He didn't come back and it broke her heart. By then she was a habitual pot smoker and I think may have experimented with other things. And she didn't change back. She used to be very sweet but I don't see that very much any more. She had never had very much of a temper but now she does. I never know how she is going to be when I talk to her but I think that is the pot and/or whatever else she is doing. A friend of hers from here went to live out there and stayed with her at first. She texted me and told me that she was worried about my daughter, that she was different and not in a good way. Then my daughter was in a really bad bad car crash. Her back was broken in two places and she had seven broken ribs. She eventually lost one of her kidneys. She was totally out the first two weeks after the accident. They did that at the hospital because she would have been in so much pain. She doesn't even remember me being there. She left the hospital and I went and stayed with her for three weeks. In the hospital, I took care of her like a private nurse. I did at her home too. I did everything for her, like I have always done, because I love her because she is my daughter. I couldn't stay longer because I had left her brother, who was unemployed, with only a little bit of money, and I work at a school so I had to come back for that. She says I was only there for a couple of weeks, mainly because of her being out the first two weeks and then she was groggy the third week. I think that she has held it against me.
In order for her to not get hooked on pain meds, she has one of those medical cards and uses cannabis. I have never liked it but I read up on it and it does help with pain. So I haven't said anything. But she knows that I don't like it. That was one of her reasons for me not coming to live with her, I think the main one. Even though I have never said anything at all, she said that I would be judging her about using drugs. Which isn't true. And I tried to tell her that. It helps her so she needs it.
So I am just letting her go. It hurts me a lot but I am not going to bang my head against a brick wall and chase her around because she doesn't want me around. Even if it means that I am living in my car. But she will have to come to me and apologize. I may or may not take it her apology but we will just have to wait and see.
Is that enough of a back story?
And I haven't told friends and relatives because I have felt the change in people's attitudes when I go to look for somewhere to live and I am forced sometimes to tell them that I am homeless. I don't want to feel that from my family and friends.
And Blannie, if you have never had children, you can't understand. So why do you comment?

Before you ask about her brother/sister. And this is the honest truth. He/she is going through a sex change right now. He/she doesn't want me there with him/her while it's going on because of the stress of his/her transition from male to female. And yes that IS the truth.

You talk about boundaries. What ever happened to family? What ever happened to multiple generations living together in one house, grandparents, their children, grandchildren. I do genealogy. That was the way that people used to do things. Some still do. I have a co-worker who moved with her whole family to a bigger house so that her parents could move in with them. Another co-worker moved back home with her mother because they were both having trouble with money. I have a cousin in Switzerland. Her grandmother's house burnt down. The grandmother moved in with my cousin and her sister. My cousin even gave her grandmother her room because it was on the first floor. Boundaries are not good for families. They separate people. But I guess that's an old-fashioned way to think of things.

Homeless Mother, sometimes apartment rentals or private room rentals, if someone has poor credit, the landlord might accept the person with a double security deposit. I did that with one couple who had filed with bankruptcy, they rented a house from me, as both had good jobs. It worked out well.

Put aside the grown children for now as they are adults. You need to look out for yourself at this point in time.

HomelessMother, what happened to families? Many times in order to find employment and to succeed, one had to move to another location away from families. And to keep climbing the corporate ladder, that means another move to another city. My Dad did that, so did my husband.

Also within the past decade or so, women are now in the workforce, thus no one is home to take care of an elder, unless one resigns from their career. Or pay for outside help. And not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, I wasn't so I concentrated on the logistical side of caregiving which in itself was overwhelming.

Plus our elders are living longer. During the time of the Walton's, someone in their 50's and 60's would had been considered very elderly, and modern science wasn't available, so more heart attacks, cancers, etc.

Now a days elders live into their 90's and 100's. My own parents were 95 and 98. I had to set boundaries, as my parents still viewed me as being in my 30's with a lot of energy, not someone in their 60's with my own age decline issues and major health issues. Without boundaries my parents would have outlived me.