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My mom wants to start paying me to take care of her finances (bills, insurance etc). Fortunately money is not an issue for her, and taking care of her finances does take up a lot of time. How much is fair and should there be a contract?
kat123 its easy to say that ask for help but when i did ask for help they thought they were suppose to get money for it.. go figured thants nice you had help some of us didn't so may god bless you
THANK YOU LOVINGDAUGHTER BUT I HAVE COUNTED MY BLESSING EACH AND EVERY DAY BUT LIKE IT WAS SAID UNTIL YOU WALK THE SHOES OTHERS HAS WALK THEN U FEEL THEN NEED NOT TO JUDGE BUT TO READ TO SEE WHAT WE HAD PUT ON HERE. THE SADDNESS ,THE GRIEF, ETC ETC I COME ON HERE TO VENT AND TO READ AND TRY TO GIVE ADVICE TO OTHERS HOPING THEY WILL DO THE RIGHT THING WHAT EVER THEY ARE GOING THROUGH I DNT WANT TO BE BADGERED FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE WHICH WAS NOTHING.THANK YUO I APPRECIATE WHAT YOU SAID
Agree with Lovingdaughter - there should be no judgements on this site. Unless you have "walked a mile in someone's shoes" you will never know all that they have had to deal with. The problem is that you go through the motions for soo long and the resentment builds and then it blows, but no one thinks about how you got there, just that you "blew" over something minor. It took ALOT to get to that point. I found that when I got to the point of breaking, feeling like I was going to work everyday instead of caring for my Mom - I just told my sibilings that I couldn't do it by myself. Surprise! they did not have a clue & stepped up to help. Sometimes you gotta ask for help. God Bless you all, and take precautions for YOUR old age :). We will be there some day.
This site works well when we all know that we all have different situations. No, we should not judge, only support and help one another. Do we all have the perfect situation, no. Do we all go into this job as caregivers knowing the right thing to do,no. And that is the reason we are all here: to learn and support. Please try to remember that when we read these posts. Otherwise, we will not feel safe coming here and unloading our sorrows, fears and yes, sometimes relief and joy. Go to the"count my blessings" thread and read some of those. I find it helps . Have a peaceful and productive day. Linda
you know i had to sleep on it n1k2r3, but you know i have been through alot but whatever you have been through i hope it was far better than what i been through and it hurts alot i have cried so many times even after the first yr i was with my dad my family lied to from the jump just to keep me here to do the job we all should have did together and i stood alone by my self with none of their help and it wasn't fair coming from a family of 12 and dad jump all over them for reason to get to me i am the 9th now thats way down the ladder.......I have only one regret i should have stood my ground a little harder but i htought of my dad and my family so i carried this ball alone and i got s----ed on...so when you come from a family of 12 and ur the only child left to take care of your parents you let me know how you will feel at the end......may god bless you and keep you near to him....cuz i know he does for me
for one you dnt know the whole story so im not gonna go there with you o.k. its WAS NONE OF THERE BUSINESS I DO NOT HAVE A ATTITUDE and for one u need to read back to alot of comments before you judge anyone i did what i had to do and to add insult to injury you dnt know the HELL i went through with my siblings over my parents and im not gonna sit here and explain to about it im very happy of the outcome my sisters and brothers can rot in hell the mess they did to my parents when i wasn't here so now speak only what you know..in which you dnt know..like i said the lord is my lawyer they spent a lot of mone for what to get nothing i woulld't have charge them to tell them that i won cause they really thought they won til they found out the REAL deal of what my dad left so NOW...and i lie i said before i dnt need an understanding judge the mess is over ..FOR GOOD
Ms. Diva, &You have an attitude. It is the business of all your siblings as to what you spent on your parents prior to their death. Leave the Lord out of it. You need an accountant as well as a lawyer. Litigation is not fun. No one wins. If a judge finds you liable for undocumented funds, you will have to come up with the money and possibly return some of it to your siblings. Let's hope that you get an understanding judge.
Ixiimom: How could you NOT keep records????? No certified copies? The POA should have been taken away from you. Caregiving isn't a game. It is a serious emotional, physical and financial endeavor.
Something smells fishy about a third party telling you and your husband that his dad took away his DPOA and gave it to his step-brother.
It is an abstruction of justice for a lawyer for the step-brother's atty to keep your records that would show your innocence from being available. Lawyers do this kind of thing sometimes and they are breaking the law. What is going on between the step-brother and his step-dad that your father-in-law has just cut his son and you out of any communication.?
I'd about hire a private dedective to look into what is really going on here. The step-brother must have a lot of money to hire two attys in two different states and it sounds like he's trying to get his step-dad's entire estate and rip ya'll off at the same time.
well.lovingdaughter im glad urs went fine....mines didn't and i did what i had to do working and taking care of my dad was alot of work im 47 yrs and i have been taking care of him up until he passed
I take room and board. We could not have her here without it. So, don't say no to some financial arrangement. We all aren't so lucky as to be able to do it gratis!
yes u are right but hey im not ashamed of what i did.. the guilt is on them what i spent is really none of their busniess but they made it there business and they got nothing at the end on the other hand i did.. i did my part rather i kept reciepts or not they were not there so the hell with them what they tried to do to me it got throwed back into their face..it all work out for the best my father made sure i got what i derseve and they can't stand it i didn't ask for anyhting but the lord to give me strenght though all this mess and he did i didn't need a lawyer.. GOD was my lawyer i didn't spend a dime for him i believe in the power of prayer..and the angels (mom and dad) rap their arms areound me and told me everything is gonna be alright...and it was
My father in law rescinded the DPOA my husband and I had for him for nearly 3 years and now a step brother has the POA. Many of his daily needs were paid for by us and we spent only what was necessary of his money on keeping up his 2 properties and his costs at the assisted living. We are faced with the possibility of being sued for the way the money was spent. One house has been on the market for more then 5 years and has not had anyone living in it for 6. Naturally it required a lot of maintenance and upkeep during the past couple of years. Much of the labor was done by us for free. Both of the properties are in other states then where we live. Now the step brother has hired attorneys (in 2 different states) and people to do the maintenance on the property. Plus the expense of moving Dad to another state using med transport and accompanying medical personnel. Thank goodness we kept receipts and records but all was turned over to one of the attorneys without us making copies so there is no proof. There was just too much for me to copy at the time it was requested and we were too upset by the way the matter was handled. A third party notified us about the POA being rescinded and I called the attorney repeatedly to try to find out what was going on. Dad would not talk to us. My advice is keep good records and do get paid for your time and trouble.
Ms. Diva, Sorry to hear about the rift between you and your siblings regarding the financial care of your father. Siblings often are the problem. It's important that you retain a lawyer before the caregiving starts. Accurate accounting is absolutely necesary since each of you have a right to know where the money is going. Each sibling could "sign off" on YOUR job, just like they must do when he passes. Each heir must sign the acknowledgement of a will, so why not have them sign before death? They STILL can object, but they'll have to have a very good reason after that.
mr. crowemagum,i had d.p.o.a and medical and i still got sued for using my parents money now i admit i made a big mistake is that i didn't keep account but if my family would have left things alone and let me handle what dad wanted they would have gotten something but they didn't and they ended up with nothing..i gave up my life,family, and almost lost my boyfriend of 23 yrs of what i did. my father wasn't the problem(never) is was the siblings but in the end i won and you know what? GOD was my lawyer and he was free of charge
Crowemagnum, Who said anything about turning down a full-time job? The adult child can and should work full time, yet take care of the parents when he/she gets home. During the day is the time for paid caregiving. Don't you think so? The parent should pay for their own caregiving. This is certainly better than an Assisted Living facility.
Some books that I've read concerning boundaries would say no to letting an elderly parent who has plenty of money make demands upon an adult child which would cause them to turn down a full time job that they need, etc. I don't remember the name of the books or page numbers, but I can look them up in my office if anyone wants to know.
Where I live the Durable POA law states that the person who is the POA can reimburse themselves for reasonable expenses in performing their duties. If you don't have a durable POA, then I would get one and the Medical POA also if you don't already have it.
thanks for your comments . I just want to keep it simple and split everything . I guess I really have to get the @##$# to stand up to my brother and tell him. While he is having a great life and I'm sitting here with absolutely nothing if my parents pass , I have to do something soon. Thanks guys , for giving me your opinions . Believe me , I still have my parents and I am thankful of that , but I'm thinking of later. I had one fight with him four years ago and almost killed my parents. I can't and won't have that. I guess I'll play it by ear for now . Thanks Guy's
Some people simply can not do what is necessary! I am sorry that your brother seems to be one of them. But fair is fair, and perhaps you can talk with your parents about their will. It does not seem unreasonable for you to have more than half. If you talk with a lawyer, (the money you spend for a consultation could very well save you much more money in the end) he may be able to come up with a plan so that the house is set up in a way that your brother can buy you out...........who knows? That's why we go to a professional. On the presonal side - no, I don't think you are nuts to protect your brother so much - as long as you can do it without resenting him! I hope you will see what your options are to get a little more share of money than you are now getting.
Geez wheat2587.. it seems to me you've already lost your brother & he doesn't give a hoot about losing you!! While I know where you are coming from you have to think of yourself cuz he sure isn't gonna. I can't tell you how many families fall apart because of money and it is usually the "greedy" one who causes all the problems. Get yourself to a lawyer and if your parents are still of sound mind - have them make a will...pronto!! Your brother can kick & scream all he wants, a will is rock solid and will reflect what your PARENTS WANT! a roof over your head. People who think their parents owe them should be slapped LOL. Shame on him for not trying to help out.
I have been taking care of my both parents for 5 years now. I left my job and home up north and moved in with them being 86 and 88 with Parkensin's and COPD. I have a brother that is around here but seems to not be able to deal with this stuff . I keep asking him to at least come over and visit and go see mom in the temporary rehb cnet , but hasn't . I am very frustrated because of that . Now that we are getting everything organized and being that our parents are older and not much time and very sick, my brother seems to make sure and let me know that everything get split . Mom and dad have offered me the house because of what we gave up , but I would not and could not do that to my brother . People think I'm nuts. They keep telling me to tell him to step up to the plate and take care of them . I have not and can not ask for money form them even though I am unemployed and have to stay that way being that I am taking care of them on a 24/7 basis. My point is now , is that am I crazy to have given up literally everything at age 54 and if something happens to my parents . the house I'm living in will be split amoungest us two and what will I do then people ask me. They have some moeny in annuities that my brother wants also split . So bottom line . I am doing everything including finances health care, ( I take care of everything ) and my brother is siting back and waiting , ( if you know what I mean ) . DOes this all make sense or am I just rambling on . I don't want to fight with my only brother and I don't want to loose him over money. Help!!!!
Yes, accept payment. At first the handling of my father in laws affairs seemed like an easy task. Then I received a letter from a real estate attorney because my father in law had failed to complete the paperwork for the sale of property 25 years ago. The filing of the forms required a payment of $300. Shortly after that we were notified a lien was on another piece of property in his name that was also sold some years ago. More time was spent researching this problem in another state. Now with the down turn of the stock market, there are not enough funds to pay the care facility he lives in. There are family members now saying we spent my father in laws money wrong. Thank goodness we kept good records and had a POA but we were not given payment for the time spent in cleaning up the affairs. A step brother now has the POA and we hope he is able to deal with the difficulties of elder care. The 3 years we did it wore us out.
Whether it's laundry or finances, if it would mean paying someone else to do this work, and if the money is there, there's no reason why the person paid shouldn't be a family member.
Generally, everyone is happier this way. However, putting it in writing and in a way that is legal is the best way to go. Act as though it's a contract with an agency. You never know when someone may question your best intentions - at a time when your loved one has memory problems and just takes it all for granted. So, getting the details down in writing (as much as possible, I know it changes daily), is a good thing to do. If it's not done by a lawyer, at least get it notarized. An attorney would be even better. Carol Carol
Yes you should accept pay for the work you do, you do not know how long this will last and may include more duties as time goes by. She probablyy wants to give you and your siblings an inheritance, but you never what will take place from now until the end. This is a way for her to give you or any of your siblings some money now. She will have to pay someone eventually with something with care giving, if it is not a hardship for her, you should accept her money.
Seangormanlpc already said it takes a lot of time and someone will be paid to handle the finances. In my opinion, there should be a written agreement. I would figure out how many hours is needed each month on average, compute a monthly figure and not bother about counting hours after that. This sort of responsibility is very different from doing laundry, shopping, etc. and I definitely think pay may be accepted.
How does accepting money for "chores" affect the 5 year "look back" period should your parent have to eventually enter a nursing home? Is it an acceptable expense? IN NYS - is it different?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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its easy to say that ask for help but when i did ask for help they thought they were suppose to get money for it.. go figured thants nice you had help some of us didn't so may god bless you
Please try to remember that when we read these posts. Otherwise, we will not feel safe coming here and unloading our sorrows, fears and yes, sometimes relief and joy. Go to the"count my blessings" thread and read some of those. I find it helps . Have a peaceful and productive day.
Linda
Let's hope that you get an understanding judge.
copies? The POA should have been taken away from you. Caregiving isn't a game. It is a serious emotional, physical and financial endeavor.
Something smells fishy about a third party telling you and your husband that his dad took away his DPOA and gave it to his step-brother.
It is an abstruction of justice for a lawyer for the step-brother's atty to keep your records that would show your innocence from being available. Lawyers do this kind of thing sometimes and they are breaking the law. What is going on between the step-brother and his step-dad that your father-in-law has just cut his son and you out of any communication.?
I'd about hire a private dedective to look into what is really going on here. The step-brother must have a lot of money to hire two attys in two different states and it sounds like he's trying to get his step-dad's entire estate and rip ya'll off at the same time.
On the presonal side - no, I don't think you are nuts to protect your brother so much - as long as you can do it without resenting him! I hope you will see what your options are to get a little more share of money than you are now getting.
Generally, everyone is happier this way. However, putting it in writing and in a way that is legal is the best way to go. Act as though it's a contract with an agency. You never know when someone may question your best intentions - at a time when your loved one has memory problems and just takes it all for granted. So, getting the details down in writing (as much as possible, I know it changes daily), is a good thing to do. If it's not done by a lawyer, at least get it notarized. An attorney would be even better.
Carol
Carol
will be paid to handle the finances. In my opinion, there should be a written agreement. I would figure out how many hours is needed each month on average, compute a monthly figure and not bother about counting hours after that. This sort of responsibility is very different from doing laundry, shopping, etc. and I definitely think pay may be accepted.