Yikes, I found 3 bottles of Milk of Magnesia today

I don't know what independant living is. Is there any supervision? Does she give herself diarrea that she can't clean up. Apart from her memory loss can she take care of herself or does a family member need to visit daily and help with bathing, dressing cleaning her room and providing meals? Can you discuss the need to move her to ALF with whoever supervises the IL facility and request their assistance in having her moved. Ah the old MoM some elderly will do anything to get more they hide it bribe other relaives to buy it seems like an addiction Not too much you can do if she has free acess. I think the only way you will get her into ALF is to get her thrown out of IL. She will fight you all the way but there is little she can do if she is evicted. Find a good ALF that can take her before you get her evicted though.

There is no supervision or medical or physical assistance provided in independent living. Its expected the person is capable physically and mentally to care for themselves (or with the help of home aides, etc but it is strictly the residents responsibility) Mom is right on the edge dementia-wise and physically but the doctor said he can't give us a letter saying she is incompetent, but agreed she belongs in AL. She is wearing Depends now because she was pooing and wetting her pants and throwing away her underwear. She had one "biological accident cleanup" I know because it was billed on her rent, which I pay. They know she is abusing MoM because she buys so much and apologized to me, explaining because it is independent living they can't refuse to sell it to her. We are doing almost everything for her since she doesn't know how to run the appliances, except to cook soup on the stove. She refuses to move, says she will kill herself and we will be guilty. So, the family has agreed that we have to wait until a crisis occurs at which time we can move her. Yes, we have a wonderful AL picked out and have spent the last 3 years trying to find a way to get her to move. She is one very stubborn woman.............

SoozieD - hugs from my corner. I have been there, but had to handle it as an only child. My mother pitched every hissy there was to throw about leaving her home to go into independent living. But you know what happened? Nothing bad. She didn't kill herself. She didn't remember cursing me with a miserable future. Her huffing & puffing ahead of time was just a reaction to change, which she's never liked. And it was no more than that. She even threatened to run around naked in the hallways after I moved her. I said to let me know when so I can take pictures and put them online *big grin* Then she threatened to pee & poop on the carpet outside her apartment. Again, I welcomed her to do that and said the $200 clean up will come out of her bank account, not mine. Be my guest. Fortunately, she didn't actually do any of that. It was the equivalent of a 3 year old temper tantrum - I'll hold my breath and then you'll be sorry! My mom did poop her pants in Walgreens the first day (on purpose), but she's the one with icky britches, not me. I just let it go and never gave any hint of irritation or bother. If she's going to want to stand around in poopy pants when it's freezing outside, then so be it. It's just childishness and more evidence why she shouldn't be living alone. We are now on a waiting list for a room in the 24/7 AL unit of this facility because mom refuses to take her meds and may or may not eat or bathe in a day or week. She may or may not get dressed or even go to sleep. She is in the "I'm going to stay up all night long and you can't stop me" mode, then sleeps through meds and meals, which is dangerous for her.

You don't say who has the durable power of attorney. That is the person(s) who has the decision making power about this. Everybody else in the family is entitled to opinions, but they don't get to veto a move. I'd say mom's behavior is an indicator a move is MORE urgent, not less.

Get her into the right facility as soon as possible and let all her negative and threatening comments go out the other ear. Don't wait for a crisis because a crisis means you won't have choices or time to think. Do it the way it will make it easy on you. Your mom is never going to have a "better time" where a move will be easier.

The way you get your mom to move is to just move your mom - sounds silly but it's not. "Just do it". Take action, end the old lease, start a new one at the AL, and coordinate move day. Make sure your mom is somewhere else for the packing & unpacking bit. I had to do this with my mom. She was not part of the process. She couldn't be - she was not mentally or physically able to do anything but obstruct. I explained what was about to happen in the short term to her, but she never got a yes/no vote on the move or timing. It was treated like a done deal from start to end and I focused my time & energy on executing the plan. If mom were more mentally able, I would have included her in more decisions. But I would not have asked my 6 year old which daycare they thought they ought to be at and when would be a good time to go. She tried to delay the movers at her old house by refusing to pack up her bedroom. I told the guys they had my permission to shrink wrap her to the bed and stick her on the truck! Ha! We ended up only getting some of her bedroom packed because she wouldn't get out of the way. We did not get 100% of it though, and that's the way it played out. What we left behind was not important enough to worry over. (Mom was a clothes hoarder.)

As far as the MoM goes, if this were my mom, I'd go into her bathroom to "use it", and dump all the MoM down the toilet while I was in there. Leave just enough in the bottle to water it way way down, so she still gets the MoM taste and thinks her bottles are full. Yes, this is deceptive, but her safety comes first. I'd keep watering it down a little every time I'm over there. I also deceived my kids that they were eating full price Captain Crunch cereal when the box contents were the generic equivalent! We have to do what we have to do in order to look out for their safety and security above all else. I flipped the breaker swith in my mom's apartment so her stove won't even come on anymore. :-D Keep us updated on how things are going!!