Female, only child caregivers of narcissistic Mothers.

Tex, I am the only adopted daughter of a narcissist mother, who was herself an only child. I should probably have gotten a therapist a long time ago.

I'm too d**n worn out...and that tells you something...to get into the millions of reasons why, after having dealt with my mom for so long and now dealing with her death, my brain has been reduced to a confusing puddle of mental soup.

What happens, in a nutshell, Tex, when you deal with a narcissist for many years, and God help you, if you become their care givers for many more, your spirit gets poisoned. Slowly but surely.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a detox session trying to get rid of it and over it all.

A narcissist can, and will, destroy you. It's as simple as that. You constantly have to be on guard against them and their head games and other assorted manipulations. After so many years of dealing with that kind of personality bleeding my dry, then all the stresses of being my mom's care taker bleeding me on all levels, I'm a mental train wreck.

I didn't get this way overnight. I won't recover overnight either. One day at a time. That's become my mantra.

Oh my goodness there are other people like me with a ma who is just plain mean! she is only keeping my dad alive (he is in late stage alzheimers) because of money. she is selfish, and only thinks of herself. I have never gotten a please or thank u, and i do everything.. i have a twin 5 min away and she doesnt come over, but ma treats her like a queen. My brother is about 20 minutes away and havent seen him in a while.........My ma always brings my past up, or gossips about me or my grown children,,,,,,,,Anxiety medicine is a must,, not because of my dad, because of her,,, i know she has ruined me for thinking clearly, but lately i have just walked away from her when she starts........i have no other idea what to do?

Laura, you pretty much nailed it. You walk away. Over and over and over again. And sometimes, if it's at all possible, you don't come back for awhile.

I can't express how important breaks, many, many breaks, really are to care givers. Especially for those taking care of the...less than joyful...elderly.

I'm an only child and my mother has been an A1 narcissist all her life. With Parkinsons, stroke and dementia, I cared for her for four hellish years. She's been in a nursing home for 18 months yet she's still sucking the life out of me. For my own health and sanity I don't propose to visit her often any more, if at all. I'm taking my life back with both hands!

Today at the age of 44 I saw a therapist about my narcissist mother. I'm an only child. She moved me away from my entire family. I grew up constantly feeling responsible for her well being which resulted in a lot of guilt that turned into years of anxiety. I still suffer from anxiety but think with therapy, I may shed some. I can't believe I waited so long to go to therapy, but it took me a while to be able to see who she really was. The therapist said it takes only children longer because we have no one to bounce things off of or to go through it with. It's hard to explain to someone just how bad it is because they never portray themselves for who they really are. Instead of feeling guilty for going no contact, I felt like a survivor who got dealt a bad deck of parent cards but am going to sort out the rest of my adult years. It's a very unnatural thing to not have contact or low contact with a parent, which is why I got help.

Hello, get it my mom is .....too. i am the scapegoat. The one with feelings...but also the one with a sound mind...my sister is the golden child....does no wrong....she came to visit my mom who had cancer last year. My mom and i were looking foward to her visit. My mom for support and me for relief. She was so selfish. She critisized my moms house, constantly complained that she needed to see friends and family . We were shocked...she was not their too offer my mom support... for the first time my mom said remain friends with her but keep ur distance. Wow a little aknowledgement. A month later my mom said i feel so sorry ffor her...she is such an unhappy person....true butfeeling sorry for her is how she became the narcissis she is....so keep feeding the narcissist... i will keeping caring for you while u tell me i never do enough. ....i had a bithday party for her...me my spouse and her male friend...she told me i did it cause i want to show off.....who is going to celebrate her 79th birthday with her if i dont?????theres my delema... if i had know what nacissism was 30 years ago, i would have skipped town...i cant do that when she is 79..... i love her and can see so clearly her emotional disability..... i obviosly found out i was codependent later.... i dont think i am anymore... only to the extent i cant leave my 79 year old mom who loves me the best way she can...abusive but she does not know better...everyday of my life she is complaining!!!!! Hope someone understands...god bless

I totally agree with all of u,,, when dad was alive and i was tending to him, all she did was yell, dad passed last Jan, 2015 from alzheimers,, now i am be yelled at constantly....maybe it was their up bringing, or they are just scared,, i'm not sure yet, i am hanging in there, please try to also..

Ty so much....

If this helps anyone alanon meetinngs can be ssuch a help. You are required t have a connection to an alchoholic...it could be a relative you never knew cause alchoholism is a family disease...you hear other stories similar to you own and i promise i dont feel like a mental mess when i leaving a meeting.... its like a narural high for me...gives me energy to keep going

Wow! I am not the only child - one of six - second one of six. Oldest daughter with a narcissistic (I believe) father. I do not think that my mother was narcissistic tough me too can not even remember once that either my father or mother has ever hugged us or told us that they loved us. We were forced to kiss my dad after each and every horrible hidings (for nor reason at all or something very small). He would come home and tried every "new" way of hurting us - turn them upside down, holding their heads between your legs with their bottoms up, that way you can give them a real good hiding! Tomorrow someone else had giving him better advice - so he MUST try it. My first childhood memories are that of a very scarred little girl (with my other siblings), running away and hide when he opens the door of our house. And he would then take of his belt and start looking for us - it upsets him when we hid for him so he would really gave us a reason for doing that! And like I have read somewhere else, I can not bear the thought that he might hug me know! I do not want him to come close to me. He has tried to hug us when we were adults but we just let him finish what ever he tried and got it over. Today I am almost 60 and for the first time in my life realized that he is a narcissist - the worst part of all - I have been forced to have him in my house to care for him!

We too were never "good". We were useless, shameless kids. When we were visiting people, we were never allowed out of the car - all six of us cramped in a car till what time at night - if you want to pee - you have to do that on the pavement. He was so ashamed of us. This helped us all to developed in adults with tons and tons of complexes. I till today gets anxiety attacks when people come to visit me or if I meet other people. Has never ever made one single friend in my life. I married to get out of that house - and because I would never ever returned to that house ever in my life, has stayed married to my husband for 40 years now. The marriage has been very bumpy but it still were way better than any good day in my childhood days. My husband had a NM, so he too married to get out of the house - this mixture was cause for huge explosions in our life time. Today we are content and enjoy our life together.

My only real fear is that I might also be like my dad. I could never hugged my children either nor tell them I love them. Till this day. My grandchildren is a different story. I love them to bits and hug them whenever I get the opportunity and kiss them till they had enough! I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE MY PARENTS! Today I feel sweet nothing for my dad but out of, I suppose, guilt, must care for him.

Like most other, I actually wish he would die and relieve us from the duty to care for him - I know it sound HORRIBLE, but this is unfortunately true.

I wish I had the guts to move them to a nursing home - feel too guilty to do that. My marriage and life is suffering with them being in my house and taking all my time and efforts to care for. I love my mom and do not mind caring for her. And someone has mentioned somewhere - I till today feels envious about all good mother/daughter relationships. My daughter in laws calls their mothers lovingly "Mommy", but I am just "Ma" to my own children and daughter/son in laws. We to some extend insists that the grandchildren always refers to their parents in a loving way as "Mommy" or "Daddy". I never want any of my grandkids to miss out in life on a loving relationship with their parents or their grandparents. My husband still to this day, can not show any affection towards anybody, not even his grandchildren.

I will also forever have the scares of a narcissistic parent's effect on my life with lots and lots of complexes and not to sure if it will ever get better.

For some reason I think that when my dad dies, the ties with him will be broken for ever and that it might release me and that then I will be able to go on with life again - I want to be free from him forever! In a certain sense I now become more irritate with my mom for never protected us against him and still allowing him to "bully" her.

My relationship with my dad now that he is in my care is horrible - to such an extend that I sometimes feel sorry for him but I just can not help myself. If he emerged from their room in the morning it upsets me that he actually are awake - not another day again, please!

I pray that I will never need to stay with any of my kids ever. I does not want them to feel towards me the way I feel towards him. If I have stumbled across this site earlier, I would never allowed them to come and stay with me. This is really hurting me more and my health is really going for a loop. I more often feel like I am going to have a stroke or heart attack. I get anxiety just of the thought that they might live another year! I know I am a horrible person.

My old Lady......You are not a horrible person. It sounds as if you are a success story. It takes a lot of " soul " to take care of someone who beat you as a child. BUT what happens when you are 75 and still caring for them. I am not sure I could do it that long. I did for as long as I could but I told my sibling I would not change the diaper of someone who brutally beat me as a kid.

I think the "cover up" of all the narcissistic abuse is the hardest to swallow. When people gush about what a great person they were.......your mind swims....if they only knew.....what a mind blower it would be......

Mincemeat - yeah, your are right - the "cover ups!". My dad were a pastor! A "wonderful" person! The one who gave advice to other, treated their children so nicely! Spoke to other people in an good way but treated our mother like dirt! Will we ever heal?

My old Lady.....poster cmagnum has great advice on getting over this garbage. Yup, my father was a pillar of the community too. Everybody wanted to be us and live on a big farm while we were just totally facinated with other families that seemed to enjoy each other's company! Aye, yi,yi, I feel for you sitting in the car behaving, because if you did not...."what would people say"? If I hear "that's not what we do" or "what will people say" again....I may not be able to handle myself!!

Be strong. And if you can't be strong anymore, find another option.

You can tell the real only children...their responses are shorter. This is helpful, but getting away (although the lifelong dream) is impossible when your narcissist mother plays on your caregiving ways, your all consuming grief over the recent loss of your father and your fear of being alone in the world with no one. Your empathy is not a gift but your weakness.

I have been taking care of my mother for my entire life. It has affected my health both physically and memtally. My mother is abusive, neglectful, and addict. and selfish. She left me with strangers who abused me and belittled me every chance she had. I am an only child and she has no family no one to care for her. I have a wonderful family of 8 who are all suffering because of her abusive behavior. I have tried to understand and have compassion knowing that she had bi-polar..but that doesn't give her the right to treat us the way she does. I am trying to find ways to get her out of our home but financially seems impossible. She doesn't care for herself..she doesn't leave the house..she doesn't cook...she had copd and chf and won't give up 2 pks a day and a 12 pack of cola everydsy. She spent time in the hospital because she was hallucinating from taking too many of her psych meds..so now I have to administer them to her...but it's frustrating when she comes to me and asks me for extra pills cuz she can't sleep or whatever..when I say no she throws a tantrum, slamming doors, yelling at everyone, being verbally and emotionally abusive to my kids and grandkids(they are little..my daughter is 6 and my gs is 3 and we are about to welcome my new gd into the home..) they don't understand why Nana is nice one min and a total b the next.its confusing like it was for me...I don't want them to end up like me..needing therapy, meds, and physically ill from stress...I can already see it in my 17 y/o. Idk what to do..I cannot afford a nursing home..which she will not agree to anyway...assisted living is really expensive and even getting her her own apartment with a caregiver is too much...but I have to do something soon cuz I can't take it anymore...I'm ready to let her be homeless just so we can have peace...I feel like the terrible person she made me out to be for feeling this way but she didn't give a crap about my well being when I needed it why should I care about gets now? Please any advice would be helpful. I just feel so exhausted from the stress of everyday and also find myself wanting to just let her kill herself with her pills and cigs and soda..cuz I give into her cuz I just want a peaceful day..is that messed up or what?

My father passed 17 years ago, leaving my brother and I to look after my mom. My brother lives in Maryland, while I live in Florida, as well as my mother, but not together. She is a type 1 diabetic and for as long as I can remember never followed doctors advise in her own care, including eating and taking her insulin.
My perspective on the way she treats my is one of inconvenience. For the most part she does not call, speak or include me in her life, unless no one else would help her then she called me.
Right after my father's death she reconnected with a sister-n-law and a niece that lives in the area. That was great they were having a good time. During this time I only saw her on Holidays for she was always busy when I reached out to her. No problem she was fine until she wasn't. They got tried of the middle of the night phone calls from her having a diabetic event and refusing to call 911 and demanding they come and help her. So they finally started doing the right thing and called 911 themselves. She stopped speaking to them and now turned to me.
I tried to get her the understand the she needed to take better care of herself and do what the doctors says. Of course that was wrong of me, was quickly explained I don't know anything and the doctors are all wrong and her diabetes is different then others. At that time I tried to mend our relationship, however she just wanted me to take her out to eat and run errands with her. Don't speak, just let her do what she wanted. I can not tell you the amount of times she was in and out of the hospital. But she was right. And also the whole time telling me that I was fat, not good at my job and a disappointment. As a result I spent less and less time visiting her, but of course worried about her health still calling a few times a week to make sure she was not in a comma.
Now, she decides to invite a friend to become a roommate. I had no problem with this. It actually brought relief. So for the next seven years the lived together and her friend saved her life I do not know how many times. The whole time my mother complained that her friend was annoying trying to tell her what to eat (the friend cooked every meal, which my mother demanded) and when to check her sugar.
During this time my mother stopped returning my phone calls, when I would go to visit she would stay in the room for maybe an hour then just leave and go to her room and watch TV. No, I am tired, no good-bye just leave the room. If it was not for friend / room mate I would not know anything that was going on.
She live in my neighborhood and I walked my dogs around her block just to make sure she was there and things seemed ok. Then one day my husband and I brought lunch over to her for the friend was out of town visiting her family. Sitting out on the patio she proclaims, "My new house has no pool". I said excuse me, she said she was moving, it was just 5 miles away. She refused to answer why, she would not even tell me the address. I had to look it up on the county website in order to know.
Two week later she moved. Which my husband and I helped her to do. She lived there for a 2 years. During that time she made excuse as to why I could not visit, too tired, to sick, going out and just no. So I backed off and let her be. Her friend / roommate and I talked and she would let me know when there was a problem.
Then I (Summer of 2014) see on facebook that her friend is selling alot of her stuff and some of my mom's stuff. I call and ask what is going on. My mother says that she wants new furniture and downsizes. OK, no problem. Did not see her for the Holidays, as went she went on a cruise. Now it is February 2015 and again on facebook I see a local Realtor post that he just sold this house, you got it it was my mother's house. Feeling angry, I called her asking what was going on. She says she wants to live on the water and is moving to this small town a hour away, again does not want to give my the address or any more information. Just that she can do what she wants. I do speak to the friend and she explains they had visited her friends up there and my mom liked it and the next thing she was buying a house and a piece of property to build a house on. What! She gave me the address and new phone number. I admit feeling hurt and finally done. I did not visit, only a weekly phone call to make sure she was alive.
July 2015, rolls around and I get a call from the friend, Who asked me if I know that they have been fighting and my mother asked her to move out. I said of course not, she tells me nothing. The friend does wind up moving out. I tried to talk to my mom about what happened, but was told it was none of my business. I asked if she would consider moving back closer to where I live, told she like it there. Well with in a week of her living alone I start getting calls from the neighbors that she is passing out and not answering the door. She is having diabetic events due to low blood sugar.

continued ... After about the 10 trip to the emergency room an hour from where I live. I told her that this is not working and we have to figure out how to stop this from happening before you wind up dead. Of course told to leave her alone. So I finally get my brother involved. (He has not come to see her in 10 years, just occasional phone calls.) He sends his wife down to visit and with her help we were able to get her a home aid to come in a few hours a day five days a week.

Now it is September of 2015. She is happy the aid drives her around, and does whatever she wants. So again she stops taking my calls or returning them. Makes excuses as to why I can't visit. I let it go and go back to the once a week call to check in. She does have a few visits to the emergency room for low sugar, we are talking in the 20's here. She stills knows best and I no longer say anything because I am tried of button pushing she does when I do. The your fat and a disappointing to me thing.
Mid January 2016, I get a phone call from the aid that she found her unconscious that morning and the ambulance took her to the ER. Honestly I did not rush, I went to work, called the aid who did stay with her at the ER. She was admitted to the hospital and I went the next day to see her. She was bad, they did not know how long she was unconscious. She was not talking, fighting and hitting the nurses. They did get her sugars to level out. 4 days later she finally started talking at least yes and no. She did not have a stroke, but had been in a diabetic comma. She stayed in the hospital for 12 days. She diffidently had brain damage. Could not remember peoples names, thought she lived at her old address in New Jersey and the year was 1964. So off to an acute rehab care center. My brother did come down for four days to help me get her in the center. We waited to see how much damage was done and what she would get back. I was there everyday as she would not speak to any of the doctors or nurses for the first month. They I think she finally realized what was happening and she did the therapy and speaking. Still not eating except for cereal, hot dog or fruit. So from this time until June, I visited, brought her fruit, did her laundry, drove her to her regular doctors (as they would not go there) and worked to help her get well. Amazingly she has recovered her memory and functions about 80%. She could go home. She agreed to increase the home aid service to 24 hours until he see how she can take her of herself.
Well, June 1st she went home, she has not been eating regularly and taking her medication properly. The aids cook for her, she wont eat it, they remind her to take her insulin and pills. It is a fight just to get her to check her sugar. So six days later to the er and hospital she goes. After a few days she is sent home.
I try to tell her that she has to follow doctors orders and stop fighting the aids. She tells me that she does not have to do what I say. My brother is coming down on the 24th to see what he can do. But I am having anxiety attacks every time I the phone rings or anytime I have to call or go there. She is forgetting what day it is, who she is talking to and saying she has seen people that have passed years ago. I go to her doctors visits and tell them something is wrong. They all adjust her meds, but say it is her age. Really she is 71. After many visits from EMT's at the house (diabetic issues), at last four falls resulting in a black eye the doctors are getting concerned. Oh yes and lets not forget, I am told every time I talk to Mom that she can do what she wants.
Now it is Aug. 15, just get home from a doctor visit with mom, she is at her home with an in home-aid. I get a phone call from the aid service that my mom as told the aid to leave and is threatening her and the sheriff has been called. What! Back in the car to drive the hour to her house. Sheriff said she had an argument with the aid and does not want any of them there anymore. The aid worker leaves, sheriff leaves, I get her only friend from around the corner to come over. She yells at me that they can not be here anymore. I tell her you can not live in a two story house, with all the falls you been having and refusing to manage your diabetes. She says she don't care put me in a nursing home. I immediately say no but it will be an assisted living facility.
Two days later we find a places, sign the lease, have hired moves and now I wait, living with her until Aug. 31st when she moves into the ALF.
She hates me, keeps telling me I am mean, and that she will still do what she wants. The only reason I am staying with here until the move as she refuses to take her insulin when left alone.
Today on Aug. 30th, she is been extra mean, I am a super pain. So, I took off work, left my husband for these weeks to be here for her and I am a bad person. OK, not sure why I don't walk away.

Witsend & Tattoochick, there's not much I can say except that mentally ill parents are a special caregiving concern. That sounds pretty empty. There's nothing we can do in many cases. They are all over the map emotionally and sometimes physically. No matter what the caregiver does, it is wrong. It is a feel-bad experience. There is no way to be loving or caring, no matter how much we might want and need to be.

Tattoochick, it would be so much easier if they didn't have diabetes! That is always a special burden on a caregiver when a parent is difficult.

I have to comment here b/c I just posted on this site about my situation too being an only child. I just don't know where to turn between my husband and myself my mom is sucking the life out of "us". She doesn't even get it, says very mean things to both of us and then just expects everyone to forget what she said/does. I really have no life outside of work and my immediate family always saying I can't do this or that b/c of her. She always questions why we are doing this or that. I recently posted on this site about being only child. This has been the hardest part of dealing with both my parents. If anyone has advice on where to turn or in this situation, could you post here. Thank you!

Another only child here. Not to be macabre, but these needy, myopic parents are awfully sure we'll outlive them. Oh really?? We could go first. Heck, we could go tomorrow.

I urge you all to connect with the community and faith-based resources (and extended family, if they're worth a damm) that would need to step in if you turned up tomorrow in a diabetic coma, ICU/rehab from a severe car accident or the morgue. Have the conversation now; get the relief to kick in now. Don't wait til you have one foot in the grave or the funny farm -- or both feet in divorce court.

Take a good hard look at your day-to-day involvement, and pinpoint a few things someone else can do. They don't have to do these tasks exactly like you. They just need to competently and respectfully fulfill the duties. Good enough is.....good enough!

We onlies are so accustomed to being our parents' only fill-in-the-blank. Their only hope of having a kid to be proud of. Only miniature companion (or mirror, if they are narcissists). Only sounding board. Only sidekick. Only one who "understands them." The imprinting starts early and lasts forever.

Your mental health is valuable. Your right to have a varied, "normal" life is important. And no one will do the work for or fight the fight for you.

Get started today. You'll still be there for mom. But with significantly less soul-sucking dread. If mom doesn't like it, tough darts. Sounds like she doesn't like anything! Her misery is her priority. Your sanity and marriage are YOUR priority.

I have to say, I am only on my 2nd day with my mom being in ALF, but last night was the best sleep I have had in along time. Before I left for the evening yesterday I had a great talk with the nursing director, who really me fell at ease. It was like some one finally stepped in and said we are here for you, to help and let you have a life and back you up. I am very grateful for that. Now it is up to my mom to take advantage of the community and life she can have their. (Not that I will not be involved, just not every minute anymore.) Thanks for everyone listening and advice.The journey continues ...

Your message made me smile, Tattoochick. :) So happy for you. I have a feeling it is going to be a lot better for everyone involved.

Thank you everyone for your posts. I thought I was all alone in taking care of my Narcy (narcissist) mother. I recently posted a lengthy description of what I am going through if any of you want to find it under my name. You all have been a Godsend to me. I'm a "church lady" (not a bible thumper) and my mother has knocked the christianity right out of me with her nasty mouth. She must stay with me because her hips are crumbling. One fall and she's dead or in a hospital bed for the rest of her life. She's too vain to use a wheelchair or a walker. So, its up to me. Mom has a phenomenal doctor, Todd Dudley who is marvelous. Everyone loves him. He helps keep me sane. Mom has another doctor who is no nonsense and a rather unpleasant person, but "darn" good at his job. Mom TOLD HIM OFF. Ohhhhh not a gooood idea. He told her off BACK. It was priceless. She had her "I'm so much better than everyone else act" going. He asked her pointedly if she had a medical degree. That shut her right up. She and my father argued and slammed doors their entire marriage. He died of a massive heart attack at age 56. She caused so much havoc that he died. (A small mark on a wall was cause for her to scream and yell for two hours straight. I won't go on with the brutal things she did.) Today is the first day in a long time that I actually feel stronger mentally. It is because of all of you. Your stories, yes and vents, which are absolutely okay, have made a huge difference in my life. Thank you so much.

I'm so glad I found this, I'm not an only child but my sister is much younger. My mother begged me to help her four months ago so I quit my job and moved across the country for a few months. I'm able to work on a business remotely but I still have my husband and my life 3,000 miles away. She isolates, stays in bed all day and smokes cigarettes and if I try to involve other family members then I'm "not loyal" to her. She keeps saying she can live alone but I know it's not true. She keeps falling and will go days without eating. She has no friends. I do not want to give up my life to care for her and stay in her hoarder house.

Blackhole: you are amazing! Thank you for such excellent advice.

Stuckhere: don't let her suck you in and guilt you. If you are the POA, you need to get rid of the hoarding. As she gets worse, she will get into everything, at least according to The 36 Hour Day. A fabulous book. And you won't be able to keep up with it all or sleep like us. My mother waits until we're sound asleep and then gets into everything. She wanders when we go to sleep. She watched and watched me work the baby gate so she could learn to get back in the kitchen while we are asleep. She found a way in through the french doors instead. It has become a game to her. Now, everything has to be locked up. She resents her situation and takes it out on us. Each day she comes up with some new havoc and then she sits back and smirks at the trouble she causes us. We have an appointment with her doctor on the 26th. She refuses to cooperate with us in caring for her safety and it can't continue. We'll see what he has to say.

Only child here, just discovering how narcissistic my mother really is. She received a Stage III lung cancer and pancreatic cancer diagnosis in April 2017 and can’t live alone anymore, especially in her dangerous, hoarding environment!

Apparently everyone else has known about her self-centeredness all their lives but I must have taken steps to insulate myself from her, eventually not seeing it out of self-preservation, and as an adult perhaps subconsciously saying, “Be that way but not on my time.” although she did manage to wreck my self-esteem quite a good bit growing up. I couldn’t have my own opinion (“You like THAT?!) or, on the off chance I did have one, it had to align with hers; Anything to the contrary would result in an onslaught of guilt, shame, and some sort of self-mutilation to cope; She was never quite sure why I pulled out my eyelashes and bit my nails to the quick. Weird, huh? :(

Because of her cancer diagnosis, I reaped a benefit and am fortunate enough to have access to a clinical social worker/therapist who literally saved my mind. In addition to my husband (who is absolutely Heaven-sent), she has been a source of comfort and reassurance during this whole process. She told me early on that I would uncover things but didn’t know just how much and what those things would involve emotionally. I discovered that my mother depended on me emotionally way more than I realized. Mother even said the other day to someone with the utmost sincerity, “My daughter has always been compassionate. She used to climb into my lap and say, ‘Something bothering you, Mama?’’ “. I had to be all of four years old at the time. What four-year old needs to be that attuned to a parent’s distress? And what parent reads that as compassion? It may sound a lot like ‘compassion’ but it’s actually called a ‘burden’, aka an albatross, a millstone, call it anything but compassion, please. That’s what happens when a narcissist defines behaviors for their child. As long as the behavior benefits the parent, everything is cool. To be fair, she did define compassion/empathy in other ways that were healthy. For example, I’m extremely sensitive to animal welfare and that’s due to her love for animals, particularly dogs. So nothing is all bad, but still. The therapist told me that I’m sure I found myself in the role of parent with my mother many times. Darn tootin’! 

There were times when I tried to help with things, but I didn’t do them right so that was additional self-esteem issue crap rearing its ugly head. She had to be the one in control of the situation for the outcome to be perfect. Letting someone else help is an outward sign that she can’t do it herself. We ALL need help at some time or other; The shame is needing it and not asking for it or even acknowledging it’s being offered in the first place. Being self-centered doesn’t allow for too much outside interference, though. And I know she viewed help she didn’t seek as someone trying to control her. How awfully sad to be unable to tell the difference, to be that paranoid. 

I believe she resents the fact that she’s in a situation now that’s controlling her. Not only from a health standpoint, but also from a daily living standpoint. Honestly, she needs the kind of predictability of skilled care and because she likes to be catered to and treated nicely, skilled care is perfect; it ticks all the boxes. And I should know. I’ve been caring for her since I was born.

*nods in recognition*

In a way I'm lucky in that my mother likes things her own way to the degree she does...she knows she'd have to have input from me if she asked to move in with me. I think that's what's stopping her.

When I first came to Colorado to help my Mom (Dad was the one in worse shape), I found two people who could not do even basic things for themselves!

But...my Dad started right in on me ... like he thought he was still dealing with a little kid he could abuse! He took his cane to me!!

I took it away from him and assured him if he ever tried to hit me again I would use his own cane on him! Made it clear to him..I was there for Mom. I don't need him, but he needs me. Never again would he abuse me..never

He spent the rest of his days complaining about me...muttering under his breathe whenever he was in the same room with me....but never tried to hit me.

It is so empowering to do that! I know he had serious mental illness in those final years...but, for my own mental health, standing up to him like that freed me from those years in my childhood dealing with him!