timbuktu Posted March 2014
Female, only child caregivers of narcissistic Mothers.
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I am the only child of a narcissistic mother who is herself an only child. She has now been living with me for 17 months.This has now pushed me into having a therapist, a psychiatrist,antidepressants and antianxiety meds to be able to exist day to day with her.Would love to hear from other female only children of a narcissistic mother and hear how you are coping with your mother.
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Hahaha!!! Big Dirt Nap!
I do understand the truth trait. I spent years my teen years agonizing to the point of nausea until I decided to create a blubberfest. I rationalized it down to "if my truth didn't matter, neither did theirs."
I think those cards would fly off the shelf. I've often thought I needed to start a hellmark or truth bites card company : )
So I rebelled in my own seemingly compliant ways. Cards were ever so important to them, and they liked overly religious “I give god praise for giving me the best parents, blah, blah, blah;” I adored humor. At a very young age, they sat me down and forbade me buying them humorous cards. They “would accept christian cards and not getting them cards was not an option.”
Every holiday, I picked out the biggest tear jerking cards I could find. And as they read them, soft eyed, blubbering, I held back a tiny smile of satisfaction knowing I could control their tears with meaningless words.
Just rereading that sounds awful, but when you’re a child of narcissists, you take control where you can. Ah, the little pleasures...
I know what it means about picking mother's day or father's day card. I pick one up and it says "Thanks to the most wonderful mother in the world. You made my life sunshine and lollipops. Smoochy. Love. Love." Back in the rack it goes like a thing most shocking. I wish they would make some realistic cards that said things like "Dad, you always brought home the bacon" or "Mom, you always set a good table." Positive, but not insincere.
We all need to learn to rise above and be strong...no use wishing we had different parents....only the future to make better!!
But...my Dad started right in on me ... like he thought he was still dealing with a little kid he could abuse! He took his cane to me!!
I took it away from him and assured him if he ever tried to hit me again I would use his own cane on him! Made it clear to him..I was there for Mom. I don't need him, but he needs me. Never again would he abuse me..never
He spent the rest of his days complaining about me...muttering under his breathe whenever he was in the same room with me....but never tried to hit me.
It is so empowering to do that! I know he had serious mental illness in those final years...but, for my own mental health, standing up to him like that freed me from those years in my childhood dealing with him!
In a way I'm lucky in that my mother likes things her own way to the degree she does...she knows she'd have to have input from me if she asked to move in with me. I think that's what's stopping her.
Apparently everyone else has known about her self-centeredness all their lives but I must have taken steps to insulate myself from her, eventually not seeing it out of self-preservation, and as an adult perhaps subconsciously saying, “Be that way but not on my time.” although she did manage to wreck my self-esteem quite a good bit growing up. I couldn’t have my own opinion (“You like THAT?!) or, on the off chance I did have one, it had to align with hers; Anything to the contrary would result in an onslaught of guilt, shame, and some sort of self-mutilation to cope; She was never quite sure why I pulled out my eyelashes and bit my nails to the quick. Weird, huh? :(
Because of her cancer diagnosis, I reaped a benefit and am fortunate enough to have access to a clinical social worker/therapist who literally saved my mind. In addition to my husband (who is absolutely Heaven-sent), she has been a source of comfort and reassurance during this whole process. She told me early on that I would uncover things but didn’t know just how much and what those things would involve emotionally. I discovered that my mother depended on me emotionally way more than I realized. Mother even said the other day to someone with the utmost sincerity, “My daughter has always been compassionate. She used to climb into my lap and say, ‘Something bothering you, Mama?’’ “. I had to be all of four years old at the time. What four-year old needs to be that attuned to a parent’s distress? And what parent reads that as compassion? It may sound a lot like ‘compassion’ but it’s actually called a ‘burden’, aka an albatross, a millstone, call it anything but compassion, please. That’s what happens when a narcissist defines behaviors for their child. As long as the behavior benefits the parent, everything is cool. To be fair, she did define compassion/empathy in other ways that were healthy. For example, I’m extremely sensitive to animal welfare and that’s due to her love for animals, particularly dogs. So nothing is all bad, but still. The therapist told me that I’m sure I found myself in the role of parent with my mother many times. Darn tootin’!
There were times when I tried to help with things, but I didn’t do them right so that was additional self-esteem issue crap rearing its ugly head. She had to be the one in control of the situation for the outcome to be perfect. Letting someone else help is an outward sign that she can’t do it herself. We ALL need help at some time or other; The shame is needing it and not asking for it or even acknowledging it’s being offered in the first place. Being self-centered doesn’t allow for too much outside interference, though. And I know she viewed help she didn’t seek as someone trying to control her. How awfully sad to be unable to tell the difference, to be that paranoid.
I believe she resents the fact that she’s in a situation now that’s controlling her. Not only from a health standpoint, but also from a daily living standpoint. Honestly, she needs the kind of predictability of skilled care and because she likes to be catered to and treated nicely, skilled care is perfect; it ticks all the boxes. And I should know. I’ve been caring for her since I was born.
I urge you all to connect with the community and faith-based resources (and extended family, if they're worth a damm) that would need to step in if you turned up tomorrow in a diabetic coma, ICU/rehab from a severe car accident or the morgue. Have the conversation now; get the relief to kick in now. Don't wait til you have one foot in the grave or the funny farm -- or both feet in divorce court.
Take a good hard look at your day-to-day involvement, and pinpoint a few things someone else can do. They don't have to do these tasks exactly like you. They just need to competently and respectfully fulfill the duties. Good enough is.....good enough!
We onlies are so accustomed to being our parents' only fill-in-the-blank. Their only hope of having a kid to be proud of. Only miniature companion (or mirror, if they are narcissists). Only sounding board. Only sidekick. Only one who "understands them." The imprinting starts early and lasts forever.
Your mental health is valuable. Your right to have a varied, "normal" life is important. And no one will do the work for or fight the fight for you.
Get started today. You'll still be there for mom. But with significantly less soul-sucking dread. If mom doesn't like it, tough darts. Sounds like she doesn't like anything! Her misery is her priority. Your sanity and marriage are YOUR priority.
Now it is September of 2015. She is happy the aid drives her around, and does whatever she wants. So again she stops taking my calls or returning them. Makes excuses as to why I can't visit. I let it go and go back to the once a week call to check in. She does have a few visits to the emergency room for low sugar, we are talking in the 20's here. She stills knows best and I no longer say anything because I am tried of button pushing she does when I do. The your fat and a disappointing to me thing.
Mid January 2016, I get a phone call from the aid that she found her unconscious that morning and the ambulance took her to the ER. Honestly I did not rush, I went to work, called the aid who did stay with her at the ER. She was admitted to the hospital and I went the next day to see her. She was bad, they did not know how long she was unconscious. She was not talking, fighting and hitting the nurses. They did get her sugars to level out. 4 days later she finally started talking at least yes and no. She did not have a stroke, but had been in a diabetic comma. She stayed in the hospital for 12 days. She diffidently had brain damage. Could not remember peoples names, thought she lived at her old address in New Jersey and the year was 1964. So off to an acute rehab care center. My brother did come down for four days to help me get her in the center. We waited to see how much damage was done and what she would get back. I was there everyday as she would not speak to any of the doctors or nurses for the first month. They I think she finally realized what was happening and she did the therapy and speaking. Still not eating except for cereal, hot dog or fruit. So from this time until June, I visited, brought her fruit, did her laundry, drove her to her regular doctors (as they would not go there) and worked to help her get well. Amazingly she has recovered her memory and functions about 80%. She could go home. She agreed to increase the home aid service to 24 hours until he see how she can take her of herself.
Well, June 1st she went home, she has not been eating regularly and taking her medication properly. The aids cook for her, she wont eat it, they remind her to take her insulin and pills. It is a fight just to get her to check her sugar. So six days later to the er and hospital she goes. After a few days she is sent home.
I try to tell her that she has to follow doctors orders and stop fighting the aids. She tells me that she does not have to do what I say. My brother is coming down on the 24th to see what he can do. But I am having anxiety attacks every time I the phone rings or anytime I have to call or go there. She is forgetting what day it is, who she is talking to and saying she has seen people that have passed years ago. I go to her doctors visits and tell them something is wrong. They all adjust her meds, but say it is her age. Really she is 71. After many visits from EMT's at the house (diabetic issues), at last four falls resulting in a black eye the doctors are getting concerned. Oh yes and lets not forget, I am told every time I talk to Mom that she can do what she wants.
Now it is Aug. 15, just get home from a doctor visit with mom, she is at her home with an in home-aid. I get a phone call from the aid service that my mom as told the aid to leave and is threatening her and the sheriff has been called. What! Back in the car to drive the hour to her house. Sheriff said she had an argument with the aid and does not want any of them there anymore. The aid worker leaves, sheriff leaves, I get her only friend from around the corner to come over. She yells at me that they can not be here anymore. I tell her you can not live in a two story house, with all the falls you been having and refusing to manage your diabetes. She says she don't care put me in a nursing home. I immediately say no but it will be an assisted living facility.
Two days later we find a places, sign the lease, have hired moves and now I wait, living with her until Aug. 31st when she moves into the ALF.
She hates me, keeps telling me I am mean, and that she will still do what she wants. The only reason I am staying with here until the move as she refuses to take her insulin when left alone.
Today on Aug. 30th, she is been extra mean, I am a super pain. So, I took off work, left my husband for these weeks to be here for her and I am a bad person. OK, not sure why I don't walk away.
My perspective on the way she treats my is one of inconvenience. For the most part she does not call, speak or include me in her life, unless no one else would help her then she called me.
Right after my father's death she reconnected with a sister-n-law and a niece that lives in the area. That was great they were having a good time. During this time I only saw her on Holidays for she was always busy when I reached out to her. No problem she was fine until she wasn't. They got tried of the middle of the night phone calls from her having a diabetic event and refusing to call 911 and demanding they come and help her. So they finally started doing the right thing and called 911 themselves. She stopped speaking to them and now turned to me.
I tried to get her the understand the she needed to take better care of herself and do what the doctors says. Of course that was wrong of me, was quickly explained I don't know anything and the doctors are all wrong and her diabetes is different then others. At that time I tried to mend our relationship, however she just wanted me to take her out to eat and run errands with her. Don't speak, just let her do what she wanted. I can not tell you the amount of times she was in and out of the hospital. But she was right. And also the whole time telling me that I was fat, not good at my job and a disappointment. As a result I spent less and less time visiting her, but of course worried about her health still calling a few times a week to make sure she was not in a comma.
Now, she decides to invite a friend to become a roommate. I had no problem with this. It actually brought relief. So for the next seven years the lived together and her friend saved her life I do not know how many times. The whole time my mother complained that her friend was annoying trying to tell her what to eat (the friend cooked every meal, which my mother demanded) and when to check her sugar.
During this time my mother stopped returning my phone calls, when I would go to visit she would stay in the room for maybe an hour then just leave and go to her room and watch TV. No, I am tired, no good-bye just leave the room. If it was not for friend / room mate I would not know anything that was going on.
She live in my neighborhood and I walked my dogs around her block just to make sure she was there and things seemed ok. Then one day my husband and I brought lunch over to her for the friend was out of town visiting her family. Sitting out on the patio she proclaims, "My new house has no pool". I said excuse me, she said she was moving, it was just 5 miles away. She refused to answer why, she would not even tell me the address. I had to look it up on the county website in order to know.
Two week later she moved. Which my husband and I helped her to do. She lived there for a 2 years. During that time she made excuse as to why I could not visit, too tired, to sick, going out and just no. So I backed off and let her be. Her friend / roommate and I talked and she would let me know when there was a problem.
Then I (Summer of 2014) see on facebook that her friend is selling alot of her stuff and some of my mom's stuff. I call and ask what is going on. My mother says that she wants new furniture and downsizes. OK, no problem. Did not see her for the Holidays, as went she went on a cruise. Now it is February 2015 and again on facebook I see a local Realtor post that he just sold this house, you got it it was my mother's house. Feeling angry, I called her asking what was going on. She says she wants to live on the water and is moving to this small town a hour away, again does not want to give my the address or any more information. Just that she can do what she wants. I do speak to the friend and she explains they had visited her friends up there and my mom liked it and the next thing she was buying a house and a piece of property to build a house on. What! She gave me the address and new phone number. I admit feeling hurt and finally done. I did not visit, only a weekly phone call to make sure she was alive.
July 2015, rolls around and I get a call from the friend, Who asked me if I know that they have been fighting and my mother asked her to move out. I said of course not, she tells me nothing. The friend does wind up moving out. I tried to talk to my mom about what happened, but was told it was none of my business. I asked if she would consider moving back closer to where I live, told she like it there. Well with in a week of her living alone I start getting calls from the neighbors that she is passing out and not answering the door. She is having diabetic events due to low blood sugar.
Be strong. And if you can't be strong anymore, find another option.
I think the "cover up" of all the narcissistic abuse is the hardest to swallow. When people gush about what a great person they were.......your mind swims....if they only knew.....what a mind blower it would be......
We too were never "good". We were useless, shameless kids. When we were visiting people, we were never allowed out of the car - all six of us cramped in a car till what time at night - if you want to pee - you have to do that on the pavement. He was so ashamed of us. This helped us all to developed in adults with tons and tons of complexes. I till today gets anxiety attacks when people come to visit me or if I meet other people. Has never ever made one single friend in my life. I married to get out of that house - and because I would never ever returned to that house ever in my life, has stayed married to my husband for 40 years now. The marriage has been very bumpy but it still were way better than any good day in my childhood days. My husband had a NM, so he too married to get out of the house - this mixture was cause for huge explosions in our life time. Today we are content and enjoy our life together.
My only real fear is that I might also be like my dad. I could never hugged my children either nor tell them I love them. Till this day. My grandchildren is a different story. I love them to bits and hug them whenever I get the opportunity and kiss them till they had enough! I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE MY PARENTS! Today I feel sweet nothing for my dad but out of, I suppose, guilt, must care for him.
Like most other, I actually wish he would die and relieve us from the duty to care for him - I know it sound HORRIBLE, but this is unfortunately true.
I wish I had the guts to move them to a nursing home - feel too guilty to do that. My marriage and life is suffering with them being in my house and taking all my time and efforts to care for. I love my mom and do not mind caring for her. And someone has mentioned somewhere - I till today feels envious about all good mother/daughter relationships. My daughter in laws calls their mothers lovingly "Mommy", but I am just "Ma" to my own children and daughter/son in laws. We to some extend insists that the grandchildren always refers to their parents in a loving way as "Mommy" or "Daddy". I never want any of my grandkids to miss out in life on a loving relationship with their parents or their grandparents. My husband still to this day, can not show any affection towards anybody, not even his grandchildren.
I will also forever have the scares of a narcissistic parent's effect on my life with lots and lots of complexes and not to sure if it will ever get better.
For some reason I think that when my dad dies, the ties with him will be broken for ever and that it might release me and that then I will be able to go on with life again - I want to be free from him forever! In a certain sense I now become more irritate with my mom for never protected us against him and still allowing him to "bully" her.
My relationship with my dad now that he is in my care is horrible - to such an extend that I sometimes feel sorry for him but I just can not help myself. If he emerged from their room in the morning it upsets me that he actually are awake - not another day again, please!
I pray that I will never need to stay with any of my kids ever. I does not want them to feel towards me the way I feel towards him. If I have stumbled across this site earlier, I would never allowed them to come and stay with me. This is really hurting me more and my health is really going for a loop. I more often feel like I am going to have a stroke or heart attack. I get anxiety just of the thought that they might live another year! I know I am a horrible person.