Feeling Burned
I'm feeling burned right now because my oldest sister called and left me a message to ask me about my grandmother's "procedure" and how did it go? Well, what procedure? Though I've been the one there for her for years (not blaming this sister, she did have her hands full with her own family and looks from time to time to be in contact with the grand), and lately been asking my grandmother about what's going on now, she keeps tight lipped when it comes to me, it seems.
Granted, I did tell her I was upset with her for letting the in-home aides end after her emergency hospital stay almost two months ago, and said it because she needs to speak up about what she needs instead of insinuating it to me who HAS to go to work and school (stressing that word because no one in my family is really getting it), and she became upset with me. But while I couldn't be there for this Mother's Day because of school work, I sent a big bouquet of flowers and a card and always calling to see about her. But instead I feel like the villain.
I did tell her yesterday that she should think about what she needs to do next. Since she is still independent, her POA is my other sister who lives out of town and avoids discussing this topic, that is all I feel like I could say. I am also presently trying to get in touch with an Elder Attorney for free advice, while getting all my own stuff together; I have to deal with finals coming up among other things and trying not to get too distracted.
And now, I'm also hearing this sister who called about the procedure is also going in for hip surgery tomorrow (once again, they are leaving things blank for me to fill in at the last minute); so though she said I could count on her, of course I can't right now. Everyone in the family keeps doing that "you can count on me" number while all the while trying to pin me to everything, and I'm sick of it. I made it clear to this sister already that I cannot be the focal point of everything, yet she calls as if I am supposed to automatically know what's happening. No, I do not, because grandmother did not divulge it to me, though I keep asking what's happening.
So, what to do? Because I'm seriously getting fed up with this cycle and I have my mother too, who will be on my case soon enough for her own issues. If I let go of my own, it will be an even bigger fire and I really won't be able to help in any capacity trying to fix something I shouldn't have to stop. And why should I if my own grandmother who I never took anything from and only given to, doesn't trust me to tell me what's happening? On top of that they should see by now they need to get things going as far as planning for their care and stop this cycle. Why don't they see it?
There's more to it that feels like it is coming to a head from over the years mostly due to personality issues and traditional beliefs, but I just feel like I can't even see or think straight after awhile with all this happening that really comes out of emotions. Trying to hold strong to not make any hasty decisions based on that.
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On another positive note, my family 'seems' to be coming around, as my grandmother had a stent procedure put in her heart (has congestive heart failure). My sis down south (the grand's POA who's been MIA) is stepping up via phone calls and texts, and my grandmother's niece (this is my step grandmother, is why I said it's her niece), is also stepping up more. They are not expecting me to go running and encouraging me to just study for a big test I have coming, and they will keep me updated--she's doing well, by the way. So, all this back and forth fussing is paying off! And if it's temporary, I'll be fussing with them again until they get it again!
See, there is a method to my madness; airing things out is necessary even if it gets heated with them, especially concerning important life issues. I already know they are going to be on the defensive, but too bad. If professional help is needed to intervene, then cool. But word to the wise, they can't rescue you; they might be a tool given the right one, but are only human and actually have alot of flaws themselves due to it being an occupational hazard after awhile with alot of them--and I also work as support for a lot of crazy counselors, so I do know. These are not my type of counselors for my family issues though, in case you're wondering.
I will read up on your story when I get a chance. Back to the studies.
Enjoy your evening, Pepsee (cool name). 😎
Thanks for weighing in, but you are paraphrasing and concentrating on one part; I stated "Maybe I will keep disagreeing with my family due to lack of boundaries that I will say is more blurred than anything..." and "But while good advice is always appreciated..."
Point being with the first part is I don't deny it's an issue, but what you are not about to do is act exasperated as if she doesn't see this happening all the time on this site, and not to compare, but even worse issues going on. My heart does go out to these people.
And while I love directness and have said I appreciated such, that 'stank' talk will be called out. This ain't Judge Judy. Plus, it's a site; my own words of great advice: just leave it alone if it annoys you!
Another plus, she never even asked if I tried that route. The answer is 'yes', years ago. Have already been looking into it again, but there's obstacles right now like my school schedule that takes up any time I am not working. Plus, checking if my insurance covers it.
In the meantime, umm what do you think people come to this site for? Word of advice, don't try to make someone walk away from here with a bad feeling when this site is what they look forward to for understanding because we already get enough bullsh** with family issues.
Will always reach for my dreams, Pepsee. Thanks.
CeeCee, you did ask for an objective point of view...Barb gave it to you as she sees it.... I know she sounds a bit stern, but she won't steer you wrong.
I'd much rather have someone tell me what I *need* to hear sternly..,then have "yes people" telling me what I *want* to hear. How can we change things if we don't have an accurate assessment of the problem AND what's lacking?
I'd rather live in reality which gives me the opportunity to be a part of the solution. For that reason I've always found myself grateful (after being pissed off first) for the people who were concerned enough to give it to me straight.
I know this is your family and you love them. But you can't change them, you can only change yourself. This is why therapy was suggested. And I agree.
All the best to you Sweetheart! And keep reaching for your dreams💙
Not going to end up in another debate tonight. But while good advice is always appreciated, your assessment can only be advice, and not an order. The rest I will conclude for myself. That much I do know about boundaries.
If you think that this is what other people's home lives look like, you're dead wrong. Carrying this drama around is affecting your blood pressure, your cortisol levels and your ability to get on in the world.
Therapy. Now.
My sister said she did call her and didn't receive an answer, which is why she called me. But I don't feel responsible to know, I feel my grand is purposely withholding after I just spoke with her about her next steps. I mean this is what is going on with them; should I pretend it's not happening and just talk about the weather? Should I seriously leave that part out?
But that ended up a crazy argument with my sis; she is still very sensitive after all these years because in the background of our conversations is the fact that she is me and my other two sisters' half sister. So, I think she becomes defensive about her own role in things. In fact, she let me know she is just on the sidelines and her conscience is very clear (cause her other grandmother raised her, but our common grands we're there for support over the years). Ok, cool. I said I am on the sidelines too, because I am not responsible for anyone, just trying my best to support as I've done over the years.
So much more was said too. She hung up while I was telling her while it's hard to talk to her sometimes because she will get the wrong idea and keep going on therefore I sound rude when I cut her off, that I respect her opinion. And she has her own procedure to worry about right now, so I want her to concentrate on that.
Now, the psychotherapy advice; do you think I am going through anything extra that other families may not be? Would honestly like to know what it sounds like from an objective point of view. Because in knowing families are dysfunctional alot and reading the stories here, my issues looks pretty common.
Why doesn't your sister call gma and ask?
Why do you feel guilty that you don't know?
Are you in therapy? You really really really would benefit from seeing a psychotherapist who can help you with this issue you have with assuming that you are responsible for the goings on of everyone in your family.