My mother is wearing me out, and she is not even sick or disabled. She has a dependent personality and I feel like I am being used.
She is 76 years old and in relatively good health. However, she is always complaining and is always "sick" and "needy". She recently went for a series of medical tests and got a clean bill of health. I see other women her age who are healthy getting out and enjoying life, but my mother chooses to be a hermit, and stays home and watches a lot of TV. She hardly ever gets out unless it is to go grocery shopping, and even then she complains that it is too much for her to handle. She depends on me to drive her most places, unless she is going somewhere in her immediate community. I have been attending to her "needs" for the past 6 years since my dad passed away, and I am getting tired. I am very willing to help her if she really does need my help, but I have come to realize that she has been taking advantage of me for the past few year. In her conversations we have when I am taking her to the places she needs to go, she tells me that she is sorry that she needs me to do things for her so much, but she reminds me of how she took care of my grandmother (who had cancer and was a diabetic-very sick), and how she took care of me when I was little, etc. I have slowly come to realize from things that she has said to me - that she has a sense of entitlement to be taken care of - just because she is becoming elderly. Well, I have been caring for her since she was 70, and she has not had any major illness or injury in this entire time, just the everyday complaining about the same old things. She still lives independently, but needs my brother & his wife, and my husband & me constantly. She is not willing to move into a retirement facility, and will not get an at-home emergency monitoring system. She has "cried wolf" with her "illnesses" so many times, I never know when she is really sick, and usually do not believe her anyway (because it always turns out to be nothing).I have backed off from helping her so much, because she is burning me out, but she comes on even stronger with her needs and tries to make me feel guilty for not coming over to her house as much or calling her every day (she keeps me on the phone 30 minutes to an hour each time, talking about he same old things like her TV shows, complaining about her neighbors, and going down her list of ailments. I do understand not feeling well... I, myself, have my own problems, but I try not to dwell on them. I am just very tired and could really use some time away from my mother. Any time I take some time away, she tries to make me feel guilty. In her eyes, it doesn't matter what all I have done for her already, it is never enough. If I haven't called everyday or come over to her house in a week, then I she will act like she has been sick and she didn't have anybody to help her (When I ask her why she didn't call to tell me, she says she didn't feel like it). I have read other posts about narcissistic mothers, and she definitely fits in this category. She has always been narcissistic and everything has to be "her way". She's not going to change, so does anyone have any advice on how to cope with caregiver burnout when the person you are caring for doesn't really need your help so much, but mainly just needs attention?
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My mother and her her sister both live in separate "government housing." They are perfectly adequate apartments in clean buildings in safe neighborhoods. Mother's building is older but they do a good job of keeping it up. They recently painted/papered and re-floored all the halls and common areas. Aunt's building is newer and looks like any fine moderate-cost apartment building. Each has furnished her own apartment to her own tastes. Each cherishes her independence. Both buildings have regular transporation to a local grocery store. Now that my mother's health has declined she gets meals on wheels delivered once a day. The community room in each building can be reserved by tennants for private use and we hold family parties in my mother's building, making it much easier for her to attend. Plenty of room and tables for cards and other games, a kitchen where potluck food can be heated or kept cold.
My mother gets by on $800/month with this subsidized housing.
Before you say "I know I would not be able to make my mom move into government housing," please check out exactly what that is. You might be surprised.
I will use the advice that all of you have given me. I have read a book "Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent - A Guide for Stressed Out Children" by Grace Lebow and Barbara Kane. It has been helpful to help me to understand why she might act the way that she does, and to help me to cope... but I find that I have to keep picking the book up and re-reading sections because sometimes I forget how to handle a situation, especially with the way my mother likes to give me a guilt trip and tries to manipulate me.
gardensparrow - I will also get the book that you recommended, and I appreciate your prayers. Thanks to all of you for your help.
SO practice saying no. Practice tuning her out. Practice telling her you leave when she complains. Then do it. Practice living with yourself feeling guilty, knowing that doesn't need to be -- and one day (sooner than you think) -- it won't be.
Find ways large and small to claim yourself back. Catch yourself doing things preemptively ("Oh, can't do THAT -- she'll get mad") and decide if you want to do them or not do them. Practice figuring out what YOU want, and how much you want it. With a parent like this, it can be hard for us even to KNOW.
Spot what you believe about your role in the world ("it's my job to make other people happy whenever I can, especially if they AREN'T happy."). Practice, as an article of faith, believing that that isn't so. Try on new lenses for seeing the world, and notice what you notice through the new lens.
You could end up making your brother unhappy, because she will try to work him against you. Let that be okay, or work it would with her. Letting her find her attention elsewhere should be the goal. She could LOVE assisted living, where they have staff paid to revolve around the worlds of the residents. She'll never get there until her current plan stops working.
Easy and hard and simple and complex -- all of the above. But it all starts with knowing you will never get her to stop her behavior. You can only shift your reaction. GOOD LUCK! It is possible, little step by medium step. I promise.
hear her voice one more time. I know you get burned out but please please count your blessings that she is still healthly. God Bless and Good Luck to you.