Just reading the question in the forum about the CG who's MIL said "I hope you know how much I appreciate what you do for me", and it dawned on me that a comment like that really irritates me (as I said on that post).
Another phrase: "I don't know what I would do without you." (Variation: I don't know what so-and-so would do without you). It took me a while to understand why that particular phrase just pisses me off. And then it dawned on me: I know the place from which it's said, but really? So it has never even occurred to you that there might come a day when I can't or won't be your caregiver anymore, for whatever reason? It hasn't even crossed your mind that one day I might not be around to do it? No idea of a back-up plan? So really, you're just taking for granted that I will be your caregiver until such a time that you pass away?
Again, I get where the statement is coming from, but it sets my teeth on edge every time I hear it.
What about the rest of you? Any phrases that make you want to throw something breakable against the wall in irritation?
I guess my biggest peeve is with some of my sweet Church pals. I love them dearly, but a LOT of them are "positive till you puke", with rose colored glasses... they say, "count your blessings"..."have an attitude of gratitude".
I honestly already know that I am blessed. Afterall... I actually prayed that my precious little Mom could come and live with me... but the fact is...some days are tough...and I am not superhuman. I get tired, frustrated, and lonely in the midst of it all.
When my Mom (*under my sole care), was diagnosed with lung cancer at 83...a friend from my church said, "God must have some really special, big, plans for you ladies to show His love to all thise people at the hospital!" Honestly...I felt like I'd been slapped.
People may mean well, in the end, but now, the first person I call-on when I am handed bad news...? The one that knows my heart, and will cry with me FIRST, and then try to cheer me on.
Who's taking care of mom and what's her 14 years younger sister who lives 300 miles away lecturing me for?
He never specifically asked for me to take care of him, but he never set up a plan or wanted caregivers in the house. Maybe if I would have had some part-time help, I could have cared for him longer and been more of a wife to him - overseeing his care.
Caregiving generally starts out small with little things and progresses to doing everything. Initially, neither the patient or the caregiver realize it - until it is (almost) too late.
I also care for my husbands aunt, 91, and she adores the rest of the family but again has more advanced dementia. I am doing what I can to oversee her care. In both cases we have hired sitters and mom/aunt stay in their own homes.
Neither made long term plans for themselves and feel so entitled. Its a hard pill to swallow.
There's too many of us here who do NOT hear those words from anyone. We hear things like - you have no idea how much we appreciate what you're doing, you're a good daughter, etc. But, nothing about how they might be able to help.
Non-caregivers are not going to be on this site looking for answers because they have no problems to seek an answer for. BUT, in the event there is at least one that happens along this page, here's some advice: If you can't participate on a regular basis to provide that 'great daughter' some relief, then find a way to pay someone to provide some relief. If you aren't in the best of financial position, figure out a way to cut back on something to be able to do it. Get a credit card that is used for nothing but helping the caregiver to provide coverage for a week's vacation. Pay it off during the year and then use it again. Don't leave your sibling or family member out there on a limb all alone while you enjoy vacations, weekend outings, dining out every night. Too many of you post everything on social media and trust me, the caregiver is smart enough to figure out that big weekend you just enjoyed could have covered a few days of respite for them.
As my hubby's caregiver, I agree with all that has been said. I'm also guilty of saying "please call if there is anything I can do." Often these people say that because they mean it and have no idea how they can help. You could ask them to grocery shop for you, or for an hour a week to come sit with the person you care for. Do it immediately, and watch to see if their face turns to non-acceptance!
One does not 'live for free' while providing 24/7 care or supervision. Walking the final path with someone can I see be monetized (around $7500 per medicare). One person should not provide 24/7 care which is why family support is necessary. Since there is none forthcoming, spending money for respite and what's needed is within my domain, as POA/daughter/primary caregiver. At least I have my supporters. My good friend reminded me 'it's priceless' and won't last forever. My son reminded me of my own advice. Don't spend any more energy on the negatives than is necessary to process it to work for your situation.
"The best way for me to help you with Sally is to stay out of it."
OK - you're going to "help" me by not helping. And you're telling me about it point blank.
I realize she is not obligated, but just tell me you don't care and you're going to leave all decisions/care to me. At this point, I'd have a lot more respect for that as I am not obligated either.
Yeah, you take care of someone with a chronic health condition and live that way, then let me know how that works out for you. If I wasn't constantly "worrying", there would be no medicine in the house, no equipment needed to keep the patient from falling, no appropriate food, no supplies, etc. Because for sure, the patient can't do all that for their self any more.
Yes, they are lucky but because I don't have a spouse or children, I realize that as I age I will be on my own.
I love my parents, but I don't quite grasp how it is a privilege to clean up someone's poop and then be told that "you're an idiot" by that person (yes, I realize it's the dementia, it's still unpleasant).
Oh, by the way, when the last senior died, I was finally given a surprise offer to help move out of the house before my Mother was even buried. They wanted me out of the house, for the looting. I told my greedy-gut sister that I was given enough money to stay in the house for a year while I make plans. I did not tell her the folks assigned the house and many of the accounts to me as survivor. They may not have loved me, but they knew I was dependable. I do miss my Mother and Father some, but not the thankless work of care-taking. Worse phrase to me is "you have free rent" or "you live rent-free".
Maybe sometimes as caregivers we just need to be grateful for what little praise we get.
I completely understand where you're coming from.
I am in the unique position of caring for two different women.
I became my Aunts caregiver last October. It was never even on my radar, but it just is now.
Even with Alzheimer's, she expresses her thanks and gratitude for what I do. I am most grateful for this!!
I became responsible for my mother this last February. Polar opposite!! My Mom is a clinical narcissist. Nothing I do or say is good enough.
I feel like as caregivers, we give of ourselves because it's what we feel is right. After all, we have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror!
Please try to be Thankful for any praise that comes your way. It maybe far and few between. You're amazing for caring!! Never forget that!
If I had to choose one annoying phrase it is "God doesn't place any more on your shoulders than you can handle. "
Although I am a woman of faith and I know the words are meant to comfort me, right now it totally strikes every nerve in my body!!
Hang in there!
Yeah, no.