Follow
Share

I have cared for my 91 year old mother for 16 plus years. She is a very difficult combative angry personality. Recently my alcoholic sister started criticizing everything thing about her care, and telling me that I was doing everything wrong. My mother always got beautiful care, home cooked meals, clean room, laundry, and I also acted as her healthcare aid. She lives with me and my family for the last 13 years. We had purchased her and my fathers house from her and spent 200K on upgrades so she could stay in her home. Now my sister questions the house claiming we were given a free home and me and my family have spent all her money. My mother doesn't have money. She lives on 1500 per month. Plus she is a severe diabetic atleast 3000 or more a year was spent on her medical. We have given her a beautiful home, but I am 56 and have a few issues myself and finally need a break now and again. My mother totally resisted saying "why do you need a break what do you do for me? she has said hateful things now for years...and done hateful things. Now my sister is saying we got a free house, spent all her money and abuse her. A huge fight ensued and the police were called by my sister. They found my mother to be in great shape and look great for 90. This is all over money. Now my mother lives with my sister and has totally disowned me and my family. My mother and my sister's family are spreading vicious rumors about us. Neighbors, friends, relatives and my mothers doctors, nursing home personnel have all said what great care my mother has always got. Me and my family are stunned and betrayed. Anyone out there been thru this or similar? Any words to help. Thanks.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

45 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Hello. Big hug to you. You can't change what people think. Just be thankful that you have your life back and that you are no longer a caregiver.
(1)
Report
Both your mother and your sister are a lot alike. Sorry she is in the hospital, it sounds like sis couldn't handle it. Hold your head high, but do not buckle in and take her back, it will simply enable more abuse and accusations. Your siblings will soon come to realize that mom is disconnected, they have chosen to learn the hard way. The truth will set you free.
(1)
Report
All of you have such more complicated stories than I do, but every sentence of almost every situation pierces my heart.
My Mom is back in the hospital, her "local family" = PoA (caregiver&fantasy lover jointly - mother and son) and handyman (the other son) all gathered around her. I am enemy #1 today, best daughter yesterday and tomorrow. In between they bend her ear as to what is NOT in my family's best interest.

Yesterday my mother's sister went to visit her in the hospital and had "words" with the caregiver (granted she has been a housekeeper/friend/caregiver and in the family for 16 years) about not notifying any of us that Mom was taken to emergency. And the "words" mounted and mounted and things got ugly. Later the son/handyman called me and said he would "have his mother execute her PoA so that members of our family couldn't be around my mother and possibly insult his mother's integrity.

Obviously, this is nuts. Further, my mother's atty said it wasn't possible and I should contact another atty to seek guardianship. My own mother's atty!.

I'm done, however, as the money/possessions are no longer important. My mother is happy in her world of these people and I've done what I can. I just need to decide if I can bear to hear that phone ring (with my mom's own ringtone) not knowing whether I'm going to be belittled, or welcomed as her daughter.

She has asked me to leave her alone with regard to all legal matters (obviously) and continues to refuse a discussion of "what if" - as her health IS bad. I would know nothing of what to do - and again, at this point, it is what it is.

I loved whoever it was that said that about the front window being so much bigger than the rearview mirror. I hope so - tho' I'll never be able to stop looking back.
(0)
Report
It is so sad how all this goes down. I have a sister that lives in another state, who is the most disrespectful of them all. I am at a point now where I don't give a damn what anyone says, I know that if I wouldn't have stepped in, and trust me went through pure hell the woman wouldn't be diagnosed today. She continuously tells me horrible things about me, she talks to me horribly, but in hind site, she has done this all of my life. I have good days and bad days, some days it hurts, but it is compiling so much that I just dont even want to be near her. She has been jeolous of me, God knows why she has destroyed my life at every corner. I have people questioning over setting up Paratransit for her so she can get around on her own. Like what I am going to pay someone to kidnap her or something, give me a fricken break. I read a post here the other day about a friend of one of our "friends", that died at 53 taking care of his parent. I am so serious when I tell you that is reality for all of us in these terrible situations.
I lost my son 9 years ago, and you wouldn't believe how she was, she divided the family during my sons services. I have been dealing with her because noone else would, let them all take care of her and good fricken luck. I too dont' want to attend the service when she goes, because I don't trust myself, See the things she has says people believe which is one of the biggest issues I have. I want to set the record straight, somehow, She has smeared my name, and they funny thing is, I am the only one out of her kids, that graduated high school, went to college, raised all my kids, that all graduated, not to mention a couple foster kids, and at the present time and for the most part the only one of her kids that works.
(0)
Report
What I really wanted to say, is that how we respond to them is important. Really does it matter what our sibilings think anymore? No way. We know, and God knows, and as far as I am concerned in regard to the care that is all that matters. The things I want to resolve have been going on for years. Her age has nothing to do with the sociopath she is.
(0)
Report
It is so sad how all this goes down. I have a sister that lives in another state, who is the most disrespectful of them all. I am at a point now where I don't give a damn what anyone says, I know that if I wouldn't have stepped in, and trust me went through pure hell the woman wouldn't be diagnosed today. She continuously tells me horrible things about me, she talks to me horribly, but in hind site, she has done this all of my life. I have good days and bad days, some days it hurts, but it is compiling so much that I just dont even want to be near her. She has been jeolous of me, God knows why she has destroyed my life at every corner. I have people questioning over setting up Paratransit for her so she can get around on her own. Like what I am going to pay someone to kidnap her or something, give me a fricken break. I read a post here the other day about a friend of one of our "friends", that died at 53 taking care of his parent. I am so serious when I tell you that is reality for all of us in these terrible situations.
I lost my son 9 years ago, and you wouldn't believe how she was, she divided the family during my sons services. I have been dealing with her because noone else would, let them all take care of her and good fricken luck. I too dont' want to attend the service when she goes, because I don't trust myself, See the things she has says people believe which is one of the biggest issues I have. I want to set the record straight, somehow, She has smeared my name, and they funny thing is, I am the only one out of her kids, that graduated high school, went to college, raised all my kids, that all graduated, not to mention a couple foster kids, and at the present time and for the most part the only one of her kids that works.
(2)
Report
As far as paperwork goes, my husband and I have owned the house outright for 16 years now. it was all done legally thru lawyer, passing papers, etc. with my mother present. As far as stealing from her, which is so false, my name was on her savings and checking acct joint with her. I had been her poa and made withdrawals from her account with her permission, which legally was not needed as my name was on her account.
It is so ridiculous, we are not talking the Kennedy fortune here. Over the course of 16 years, 13,000 was withdrawn totally from her account to cover all of her miscellaneous expense, medical, and basic living expenses. So, please, to have anyone ever say we stole from her is ridiculous. She is not a wealthy woman. So we are definitely legally covered regarding the house and any allegations. But thanks for the heads up. We are being very cautious....but so should they now there is such a thing as defamation of character and slander.
(1)
Report
It is said a clean conscience makes the softest pillow. If you can walk away with a clean conscience that may be reward enough for your devoted care. You can choose to let the rest of family grovel in their self-centered behavior and not let it be your problem. You have walked the high road. Look forward to a wonderful future. There is a reason the windshield is so much larger than the rear view mirror.
(1)
Report
Betrayed, I'm so disappointed that your niece was able to be dissuaded by her alcoholic mother to join the forces against you. It's too bad. But I agree with you. Now you know whom to trust and whom not to trust. I hope you're able to move on with your life with your immediate family. I'd also start gathering all necessary documents in case they take you to court. This way, when they do come for you, you're prepared and not acting like a chicken with no head. I wish you well.

You will update us if they do try to do worse, won't you? I always wonder when this happens - on what happened to the caregiver. Only one poster that I know of came back and told us the results of her family accusing her of stealing from their father and when he died, they had nothing but caregiver had the house, etc... She won in court. It was all done legally and there was no proof that she stole from him.
(0)
Report
Glad to hear you finally have some closure. Make sure your horse is fed and watered and get the H-E- double hockey sticks out of dodge and DONT look back.
(1)
Report
I want to update on my seemingly ongoing saga. Even though my niece had contacted me to see her and her kids, her mother, my sister, has interceded. I cannot and will not be allowed to see the kids unless I get over myself and cop to half the blame of what went on. Well, talk about holding little kids over your head. I will not be issued an ultimatum like that ever. I have done nothing wrong here. I am not the guilty party here, but my niece and my sister contacted me via phone and email to lie and tell me how awful my mother was treated, how we stole from her, and abused her. It is totally false. This is beyond ridiculous. I truly feel released from all of them now. They have totally given me closure and shown what type of hateful, bitter, resentful people they are once again. They also let me know that my mother's health is now perfect, not demented at all. They said she is very truthful. Of course, I know why they are saying this. It makes their stories, lies and actions justified in their minds. They are trying to once again make me look like I am a nut. We have dodged a huge bullet, we won't be issued ultimatums, and we won't admit to things we did not do. They are not worth my thoughts anymore. I have a beautiful family here, who love, respect and trust each other whole heatedly. I am truly blessed to have them. Thank you everyone for letting me vent. I have this to be a great source of comfort. God Bless.
(2)
Report
Unfortunately, this has become all too common. I have two friends right now that either are currently going through a very similar situation or have gone through it in the past. One had a VERY similar situation and ended up being recommended by his mother's psychiatrist that he move out and take himself out of the direct line of fire of her abusive and horrible accusations. My father lives with me and has for 5 years now. He may not be entirely happy with the way I do things but, so far, he knows he's getting good care and tells people how much he appreciates it. He's also diabetic, has high blood pressure and so requires a well laid out meal plan. He grumbles about not being able to have sodas as often as he'd like! I'm one of five children and none of my siblings contacts him except for an email on his birthday. Just know that there are many of us out there that know what you've done and what you and your family have been through. I have one suggestion for you - document, document, document......... write down everything that you learn about, know of. For example, the money being taken out of her bank account so quickly. The hospital stay, etc. and after a while, contact adult protective services and request a elder care check. You'll have documentation of some of your concerns to provide them with a little 'evidence' to support your request to check on her well-being. At the very least, you'll be able to comfort yourself some that someone in authority is checking on your mom and in some small way assuring that she's not being seriously abused. It may end up being enough to cause your sister to not want to deal with her anymore due to being under the microscope of state and/or county social services. Ultimately, it might result in your mom going into a facility where she'll get the care she needs and enable you and your family to have the life you all clearly deserve. I wish you well and hope things turn out the best for everyone concerned.
(1)
Report
Oh yes I am the big bad wolf that did little and nothing right.. My mother fed my sister a whole line of bull and the greed and stupidity of an alcoholic believed it all. You are so right in saying it is the emotional hurt that cuts right thru you. I felt broken and felt like my will had been drained from me. I do feel a little better everyday. One day at a time. I wish you all the best..sometimes it does help to vent. so vent away
(1)
Report
Betrayed, I'm so sorry you've had to experience the hurt from your mother that you have. Not only can it logically be difficult to grasp, but emotionally, when we know the truth of the love and care we've put forth, it crushes us.

The "we/us" is because as my mom goes further into her combined health issues and dementia, she has suddenly turned me into the enemy. Whispers in the ear? Oh yes, from those who also stand to profit from her now and in the future.

Still, money aside, it's the emotional hurt and confusion that slaps at me each time I hear from her. One day I'm the loving daughter....the next....the enemy trying to do her in.

I wish you patience and perseverance.
(1)
Report
Thank you everyone for your comments. I am trying not to nurture resentment, I have never had hate in my heart and I will always take the high road like I always have and fight like hell to have this not make me a resentful, regretful person. My niece has contacted me and would like to see me and her two children who are like my own grandchildren. She says she doesn't believe that I would ever abuse her grandmother, my mother. And realizes that elderly are hardest on their caregiver and sometimes lie over and over again and after awhile believe their own lies. I would love to see her and her children as they miss me terribly and are struggling with this whole mess that although I didn't create it I am smack dab in the middle of it. I know I couldn't live my life without her or them...I would never want to be responsible for causing them any misery or heartache....it just isn't in me. But as far as the others my mother and sister and the rest of her family...I am done.
(0)
Report
Your mother may want to come back at some point and yes, you may have to make a decision about what to do, especially if she seems incompetent to handle her own affairs. If your sister is too unreliable to handle her, you may have to take over. If you do, be prepared to have conditions like POA for health care and finances, etc. Even guardianship. Or make arrangements for her care in assisted living via Medicare. It will be difficult to get passed the emotions of betrayal but you may have to deal with her one more time before she dies and some closure will be good for the soul. You may be doing this already but I recommend therapy to get past the hurt and family drama. I grew so much after one year of therapy to realize I did not have to be part of the family drama and that I could see my mother and other family members as flawed people and take care of business without being an enabler. Best of luck!
(1)
Report
I agree who those who said that your sister did you a favor. You've been taking care of your mom for 16 years, time to let sister take care of her. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if your sister called you after a while and tried to get you to take your mom back, or your mom called you and tried to get you to take her back. Those decisions will be up to you but my suggestion would be to say no. Not out of spite but to stay out of the drama once and for all. If your mom is no longer of use to your sister then sister is going to have to find alternate arrangements. She's the caregiver now.

Having said all of that I can imagine how hurt you must be. I know I would be. In time try to see who it is that hurt you and how worthy of your thoughts they are. Try not to nurture a resentment, I know that will be hard, but it will only hurt you. Go on with your life and don't let this poison you.
(0)
Report
I am yet again amazed, don't know why I am with all I have seen and been through, but it is amazing how many of us are going through different kind of hell and nightmares. This is my take, and if it is any use great, you are the one who knows your truth. I fully understand how it feels to be "betrayed." Living with my mother has been a 100 round bout with Mike Tyson, and you know I am the loser, the one banged up and hurt all the time. I know about the hostile neighbours, the hatred, the lies, the speculation, the innuendo too well. What I would do, now this is me, I would be darn glad I have my home and that it is clearly yours, you have no worries there. I would cut my losses, I would not spend another moment of your precious energy and life on wondering how, why, how could she, how could they. They did, now is the time to take back your power and stop being a victim to her abuse and the insanity of an alcoholic sister. Maybe she will do fine sitting with mom all day watching the tv in an alcoholic stupor, but someone will have to pay the bills, cook, shop, do the laundry, clean the house, etc. I do not think that alcoholics are high on the list for doing these things. They will live in filth and bedlam, the alcohol will fuel fights and all sorts of drama. It is time to cut your losses and move on. I would be grateful that the good Lord took you out of this and now is the time for you to focus on yourself and those that love you. As Tony Soprano said to his mother Livia, Faggetabout you. I watch some reruns of the Livia and Tony dynamic, she is my mother, abusive and manipulative. Take care of yourself now.
(1)
Report
Well, you all spent years caregiving. It's now your sister's turn. Just as you had to learn how to do it, she will also need to learn ...or not.. Not your problem. You all did your best and got stabbed in the back. I agree. Time to dust those hands and move forward. Freedom!!! =)
(1)
Report
My mother does the same thing to me, saying bad things about me behind my back to everyone even though I am the only one who cares for her. Some family members join her in the drama. Some of the nastiness on her part could be a sign of dementia. If you are worried about her care with your sister then you can petition for guardianship and they would have to test her. Social service can also evaluate her care at your sisters house if you think she is being abused and her money taken from her. Is your sister taking her to the same doctor? Good to know if she is getting medical care. If you are not worried about your mother's wellbeing then you can be proud in the knowledge that you did the right thing by her regardless of the consequences and move on with your life. If there is an estate after she passes, it may owe you money.
(0)
Report
as far as medicaid is concerned we are far beyond the medicaid look back period as the house has been legally ours for 16 years. As far as the will and life insurance policies they do not have my name on it. I am at peace with all of that. Let them all figure it out now. I had it all covered at one point for the "sake of my mother". But now the whole complete responsibility is off of my shoulders and my husbands and it is totally their job now. I hope they enjoy the hassle of it all. I am out completely.
(6)
Report
Yes, Medicaid does require that the money be paid back after the elderly person passes away. I found out all that when applying for Medicaid for my father.
We sold my mom's house in June and are required to wait a penalty period of 11 months before we can apply for her Medicaid coverage.
Medicaid will want their money.
(0)
Report
I totally agree with the previous posters. It is all great advice. Get your legal ducks in a row and although it hurts to be treated the way you've been, do your best to move on and enjoy the rest of your lives. Let your hateful sister worry about what to do when the money runs out. Your mother has made her decision which is one of the most common ones I've seen. They always seem to choose the nasty sibling to live with either that or predators who aren't related period. I wouldn't be surprised to find out your mother has bad mouthed you behind your back. Most nasty ones do. They enjoy pitting people against one another then sit back and watch what they caused.
(1)
Report
technically, it is the love of money
(1)
Report
It is sad that this is played out over and over again. What a sad excuse for a so called family. Family is suppose to have your back not knife you in it. but, boy did I get the knife driven in and twisted!! She will never ever be allowed back in here. My poor youngest son is having terrible panic attacks and anxiety which he never had before. I am well rid of all of them. I always did right by my mother, sis and her family and they were so quick to totally believe anything my mother said and then on top of it make up some lies of their own. Not good people. Even if what my mother said and says is due to dementia or being 91 years old or just her personality, my sis and her family are so greedy they couldn't see that fact. My mother loved loved loved to stir it up and sit back and watch. It is like they grasped onto anything that was said by my mother and held it against me. They all deserve each other. My husband said the day we moved in here 16 years ago, "you do know that the sh-t will hit the fan some day over the house, it is not a question of if it is just a question of when." we knew this day would come. If my mother had passed still living with us, my sis and her family would have wanted to see everything, finances, deed, policies, etc. Funny, when my mother had her will drawn up she didn't want to include my sister, but I insisted because I didn't want a family fight to ensue. Controlling, alcoholic, greed took over. Money is the root of all evil. I stay strong and every day recite "I know this is hard and unbelievable, but they will not get the best of me, I am blessed"
(1)
Report
I"ll just add change the locks and let the police know when you go on vacation. If they break in call the police and have them removed. Sis may get a nasty surprise if she makes herself the beneficiary of Mom's insurance policies and dumps Mom in a nursing home. I don't know for sure but I think Medcaid will claw that money back when she dies. The house is yours so enjoy.
(1)
Report
Sheesh. I have always been grateful I do not have family. Any that I'm really sure about that is... I have distant relatives, I think, and they are probably growing more distant with time.
Lord, this scenario is repeated over and over and over.
I really think the lesson is, have everything in writing.
Also, betrayed, be VERY careful. You could come home someday and find her dumped on your front porch.
which is an interesting question.. if anyone ever has experienced that..
(2)
Report
Betrayed-- As long as YOU know your truth it should not matter what she is telling others. As you so rightly pointed out, the doctors, NH staff, neighbours all know the wonderful care you have given to your mum. I'm sure if necessary you could provide proof that you bought the house from your mum couldn't you? Also, I have a sibling who is an angry alcoholic and they can be real sh*t disturbers! Just remember.. Karma never forgets an address :-)
(1)
Report
thank you for your hugs. when we took over the home, it was all thru a lawyer and we have the deed etc. we did this with my mother present, how ironic, to protect me from my sister. as far as the house is concerned we have no worries, just mental anguish, but getting stronger. Good luck and best wishes to you too.
(0)
Report
((((((((hugs))))))) betrayed - horrible situation - not much to add. Look after you and your interests. Glad you have the home in your name. I would think it would be secure but might be worth checking with a lawyer. I have been told that my sis wants all the inheritance, though I am the caregiver, so I know she will knife me if she thinks it will get her anywhere. I have accepted that. Mother will play one person against another. It hurt me more in past years. Now I know it is what it is and I will do what I have to do to protect myself. Blood family are just that. We cannot choose them but we can choose our friends. You are wise to concentrate on your immediate family. Good luck to your son.
(4)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter