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I have cared for my 91 year old mother for 16 plus years. She is a very difficult combative angry personality. Recently my alcoholic sister started criticizing everything thing about her care, and telling me that I was doing everything wrong. My mother always got beautiful care, home cooked meals, clean room, laundry, and I also acted as her healthcare aid. She lives with me and my family for the last 13 years. We had purchased her and my fathers house from her and spent 200K on upgrades so she could stay in her home. Now my sister questions the house claiming we were given a free home and me and my family have spent all her money. My mother doesn't have money. She lives on 1500 per month. Plus she is a severe diabetic atleast 3000 or more a year was spent on her medical. We have given her a beautiful home, but I am 56 and have a few issues myself and finally need a break now and again. My mother totally resisted saying "why do you need a break what do you do for me? she has said hateful things now for years...and done hateful things. Now my sister is saying we got a free house, spent all her money and abuse her. A huge fight ensued and the police were called by my sister. They found my mother to be in great shape and look great for 90. This is all over money. Now my mother lives with my sister and has totally disowned me and my family. My mother and my sister's family are spreading vicious rumors about us. Neighbors, friends, relatives and my mothers doctors, nursing home personnel have all said what great care my mother has always got. Me and my family are stunned and betrayed. Anyone out there been thru this or similar? Any words to help. Thanks.

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Betrayed, what an awful situation. When I read what you wrote, I wanted to hunt your sister down and kick her butt. Strange she should do this after 16 years. Where was she before now? and why did she suddenly start to do this? I know there is nothing we can do to really help, but vent away.
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Thanks for your post JessieBelle. My sister always flew under the radar. Only showing up when it was convenient for her. Funny, tho she always found her way here for the holidays!!! of course, to see her mother acting like the dutiful attentive daughter. Other than that she has been an actively drinking alcoholic who always acted like my mother was my responsibility because she and her husband would always say "you got the house you got ma". I feel so used and betrayed. My heartaches for my youngest son who witnessed the whole fight and is in a state of shock that his nana has sided with someone who never took care of her or cooked her or had her over for a meal. They emptied her bank account within 15 hours of my mother being there, went to a lawyer within 5 days and had my poa revoked, changed the will, brought the police to my house to retrieve papework i.e. life insurance policies which would be the only money, because as I said before my mother doesn't have any. I really feel used. thanks for the shoulder --- boy could I use one
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Big Hugs to you betrayed for all you have done for your mother. I wish had words of wisdom to pass on to you but I don't. It sounds like your mother made her choice which is typical of a difficult personality...they think the grass is always greener on the other side. In time she will probably insist on coming back to live with you, a choice you will have make. In the meantime, the only thing I can come up with to stop the vicious rumors is to go to an attorney with the documented info you have about your mother's care while living with you...have them send your sister a letter with the documentation insisting she stop her vicious rumors unless she wants to deal with a slander/libel suit. Bullies can be stopped in their tracks by confronting them with truth with legal aides behind you. Hang in there and let us know how your situation is progressing. Hugs!!
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One thing I wonder is if your mother could have been telling her things when you weren't listening. That happens so much. I used to overhear my mother talking to my aunt sometimes, making up things as she went along. Fortunately, my aunt knew nothing was true, so I just shrugged it off. Sometimes old people do that as part of a game they play. Sometimes they even start to believe what they say, and convince others that their child caregiver is up to no good. Do you think this could have happened?
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Oh yes we definitely know that this has happened. We would hear her whispering on the phone to my sister "so and so is being nasty, what did I do to deserve that? and repeatedly asking "am I a good mother". When my mother would say something mean and nasty and we would say "don't say that tell the truth" she would say, "I'm crazy I'm 90 I can say what I want, I say things just to get a reaction out of people". So I think you have hit the nail on the head. She has started to believe herself and it didn't take much to convince a controlling alcoholic. My husband use to always say to me, "she is playing a game, this is all a game to her". I just can't imagine ever treating my family the way we have been treated. I am thankful everyday for my loving husband and caring sons. They have witnessed her demanding abusive ways and remarks for too long. I appreciate so much both of your thoughts and words....it is comforting to know that other people have been thru this and I am not the big bad wolf.
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also, i just found out my mother was recently hospitalized and my sister contacted my long lost estranged brother. He hasn't been on the scene in 20 years. I hear he visited my mother and she was elated and can't wait to know his children. Before this she and and my sister wanted nothing to do with him or his family. I can only imagine what he is being told, not that I care but, talk about betrayal. I feel like they are trying to recruit as many people as they can to gang up on us. boy oh boy
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Betrayed, my father did the same about me. I have 7 siblings yet I stayed home at age 23 to help him and mom. That was about 24 years ago. I always wondered why people always lectured me about doing more to help my dad. I mean there was 8 kids yet I stayed home to help. It seems father was Complaining to people how I'm a Bad Daughter. I was so hurt that people I never met but dealt with mom's care while I was work - would walk up to my brother and question him about me. I didn't know how extensive this was until mom passed away in March. People were praising this same brother for taking good care of mom!!! When father recently went to the hospital in June, brother tried to get the doctor to declare him incompetent. Doc kept repeating very firmly to father that he has a very good memory, etc... So, I would believe it that your mom has also been spreading lies...and you did all this for her.

Is the house legally under your name? Or is your mom's name on it? If your mom's name is still on it, please be prepared for more nastiness to come. I'd also make sure that you keep all your documents secured.

If your mom decides she wants to come back, I hope you and the family have a firm decision on that too. Remember, in the worse case scenario, and your sister runs your mom dry financially, and your mom wants to move back in with you...you
are not obligated to take her in. She has the option of applying for Medicaid and the govt housing program. If you do decide to take her in, this time change things a bit. She needs to be now responsible for a bill.
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Betrayed, I know you're hurt and angry and you have every right to be, but I also think you dodged a HUGE bullet when your sister took your mom away. I think at 56 years old, with a husband who obviously figured your mother out long ago and is most likely sick and tired of her, and a son who has probably had enough anyway, YOU'RE the lucky one. My guess is that your mother's money will run out, and since it sounds like your sister and her mother are cut from the same cloth, they'll both get tired of hearing someone that sounds like themselves all day long. Talk to your husband about making sure all the paperwork is in order about the sale of your mother's house to you guys. If you kept any documentation about how much money you've spent on your mother over the years, keep it handy cause you'll probably need it. You might want to find out from a lawyer what you have to do to keep the wolves at bay, then let it go. You and your family take a long deserved vacation, and make it clear to your sister that mom is NEVER coming back under your roof. As for your son witnessing this drama, point him to a Bible and look up --- I Timothy 6:10:
"For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows." To me, that about explains it all. It's the old 'LOVE of money' that gets people all the time. Have fun on your vacation!! ♥
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Isn't it sad that good people with good intentions only have to go thru this? Boy, you can truly feel for what I am going thru. Yes, the house is in my husbands and my name solely. We are covered. I was the only one who ever took her to the doctors and they always told me what lovely care she got. So we are covered. They don't have a leg to stand on. When my mother passes I know I will only be notified thru my aunt and to be honest we will not be going to her services as she has stated she doesn't miss us at all she is being finally taken care of and waited on hand and foot. We really wouldn't want to go and hear my sister and family wax poetically how wonderful she and they were. NOt to mention my sisters children will start a riot in the middle of the church trying to make their point known "how truly rotten we are--we are struggling
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I try to stay focused everyday on my family. My main concern is my youngest son who is in college and needs me to strong.
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For the love of money. That truly sums it up. Money does do funny things to people. I am living that truth. Thank you for you kind words of support. We definitely need a vacation we have not had one in 9 years. I know they cannot hurt me or take anything away from me meaning the house, etc., but mentally it has been to taxing and plays like a bad horror movie in my head.
I am working on letting it all go and concentrating on the greatness in my life and I am lucky to have blessings and I thank god for them.
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After what you've just described do you really feel surprise at this betrayal? Your mother is a nasty customer, and your sister an idiot. Mother dearest is livign with sis, you say? HALLELUJAH!! GOOD RIDDANCE! Time to PARTY! Time to CELEBRATE! Yeah, baby! Are you kidding me? I'd be freaking thrilled! Leave them to each other and the hell with them both...and don't you dare let your mother come back. No way. Screw your sisters slander...you know what's up, and people that MATTER do, too. Who gives a damn about your ridiculous excuse for a sister and what her family has to say? Can YOU say LOSERS? Piss on them.

I'd gather my friends and family..the good ones...and throw a huge barbecue in celebration and never, ever look back. Let them rot together for all eternity. That's not family, those are the devils minions. Who needs em'?

You're awesome. That's all you need to know. *hugs* .
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Dear Betrayed, Events as you have described in your ongoing feedback basically sum up to a blessing in disguise. You have done your due diligence for 16 years to an unappreciative and mentally imbalanced mother. Emotionally wrenching as it may be, you are wise to just let it all go, and RESOLVE NOT TO EVER TAKE HER BACK! However, from a legal standpoint, I think it would be practical to get your own ElderLaw Attorney and quick. The fact that your sister cleaned out your Mom's bank account in less than 15 hour says ILLEGAL to me, especially if you were POA on that account. To change the legal docs in less than 5 days says to me that your sister found a shady attorney or did an online or stationery store paper version. Your Mom's mental competency would have had to been evaluated by the attorney in a private consultation before accepting her signature to turn over all legal matters to your sister. That includes having gotten her to change the Will. As for the insurance policies, I am going to assume your Mom was the named "Owner" of the policies and never transferred ownership to you. I am also going to guess that your sister may have gotten her to sign ownership over to herself that so that now she can also change the beneficiary arrangement. These are all things that you may want to consider discussing with an attorney, for the simple reason of your entitlement to whatever your Mom may have originally stipulated in her Will and in her life insurance policies where you may have been the beneficiary. I think the police were a bunch of AH's for acting on your sister and mother's words, by assuming your Mom was in her right mind and removing her from your home. So yes, overall a blessing in disguise, but why should you be hoodwinked on top of everything else and possibly lose the entitlements you have earned these 16+ years? If I were in your shoes, I would pursue the legal end of things and after getting them resolved, THEN Goodbye and Good Riddance to your sister and mother. What a sad state of affairs - I wish you all the best.
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I was thankful to read that you did have the house purchased by your husband and yourself and have it in your name solely. There is no way that your sister can take that if everything was done legally.
I fully agree with NancyH. Count your blessings and move on.
The neighbors, the doctors, etc. all know that you have been giving good care to your mother. Don't listen to the rumors. Stay focused on your family and live your life without your mother.
It sounds like you have done a lot for your mom and she may appreciate it all after she begins to open her eyes about your sister. She may never. But, know you did your best.
It’s sad when this happens. I have 8 siblings and I was the one who spent weeks every month travelling to my parent’s home when my dad was ill. Not a one appreciated it.
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Thank you so much everyone. I truly appreciate your input on this horrible chapter of my life. I will keep your posts at hand and reread when I am having a bad day....I learned a lesson in life the hard way, the hardest way. Money is the root of all evil. What matters the most is the ones I hold close. Best wishes to all of you. many many thanks
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((((((((hugs))))))) betrayed - horrible situation - not much to add. Look after you and your interests. Glad you have the home in your name. I would think it would be secure but might be worth checking with a lawyer. I have been told that my sis wants all the inheritance, though I am the caregiver, so I know she will knife me if she thinks it will get her anywhere. I have accepted that. Mother will play one person against another. It hurt me more in past years. Now I know it is what it is and I will do what I have to do to protect myself. Blood family are just that. We cannot choose them but we can choose our friends. You are wise to concentrate on your immediate family. Good luck to your son.
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thank you for your hugs. when we took over the home, it was all thru a lawyer and we have the deed etc. we did this with my mother present, how ironic, to protect me from my sister. as far as the house is concerned we have no worries, just mental anguish, but getting stronger. Good luck and best wishes to you too.
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Betrayed-- As long as YOU know your truth it should not matter what she is telling others. As you so rightly pointed out, the doctors, NH staff, neighbours all know the wonderful care you have given to your mum. I'm sure if necessary you could provide proof that you bought the house from your mum couldn't you? Also, I have a sibling who is an angry alcoholic and they can be real sh*t disturbers! Just remember.. Karma never forgets an address :-)
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Sheesh. I have always been grateful I do not have family. Any that I'm really sure about that is... I have distant relatives, I think, and they are probably growing more distant with time.
Lord, this scenario is repeated over and over and over.
I really think the lesson is, have everything in writing.
Also, betrayed, be VERY careful. You could come home someday and find her dumped on your front porch.
which is an interesting question.. if anyone ever has experienced that..
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I"ll just add change the locks and let the police know when you go on vacation. If they break in call the police and have them removed. Sis may get a nasty surprise if she makes herself the beneficiary of Mom's insurance policies and dumps Mom in a nursing home. I don't know for sure but I think Medcaid will claw that money back when she dies. The house is yours so enjoy.
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It is sad that this is played out over and over again. What a sad excuse for a so called family. Family is suppose to have your back not knife you in it. but, boy did I get the knife driven in and twisted!! She will never ever be allowed back in here. My poor youngest son is having terrible panic attacks and anxiety which he never had before. I am well rid of all of them. I always did right by my mother, sis and her family and they were so quick to totally believe anything my mother said and then on top of it make up some lies of their own. Not good people. Even if what my mother said and says is due to dementia or being 91 years old or just her personality, my sis and her family are so greedy they couldn't see that fact. My mother loved loved loved to stir it up and sit back and watch. It is like they grasped onto anything that was said by my mother and held it against me. They all deserve each other. My husband said the day we moved in here 16 years ago, "you do know that the sh-t will hit the fan some day over the house, it is not a question of if it is just a question of when." we knew this day would come. If my mother had passed still living with us, my sis and her family would have wanted to see everything, finances, deed, policies, etc. Funny, when my mother had her will drawn up she didn't want to include my sister, but I insisted because I didn't want a family fight to ensue. Controlling, alcoholic, greed took over. Money is the root of all evil. I stay strong and every day recite "I know this is hard and unbelievable, but they will not get the best of me, I am blessed"
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technically, it is the love of money
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I totally agree with the previous posters. It is all great advice. Get your legal ducks in a row and although it hurts to be treated the way you've been, do your best to move on and enjoy the rest of your lives. Let your hateful sister worry about what to do when the money runs out. Your mother has made her decision which is one of the most common ones I've seen. They always seem to choose the nasty sibling to live with either that or predators who aren't related period. I wouldn't be surprised to find out your mother has bad mouthed you behind your back. Most nasty ones do. They enjoy pitting people against one another then sit back and watch what they caused.
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Yes, Medicaid does require that the money be paid back after the elderly person passes away. I found out all that when applying for Medicaid for my father.
We sold my mom's house in June and are required to wait a penalty period of 11 months before we can apply for her Medicaid coverage.
Medicaid will want their money.
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as far as medicaid is concerned we are far beyond the medicaid look back period as the house has been legally ours for 16 years. As far as the will and life insurance policies they do not have my name on it. I am at peace with all of that. Let them all figure it out now. I had it all covered at one point for the "sake of my mother". But now the whole complete responsibility is off of my shoulders and my husbands and it is totally their job now. I hope they enjoy the hassle of it all. I am out completely.
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My mother does the same thing to me, saying bad things about me behind my back to everyone even though I am the only one who cares for her. Some family members join her in the drama. Some of the nastiness on her part could be a sign of dementia. If you are worried about her care with your sister then you can petition for guardianship and they would have to test her. Social service can also evaluate her care at your sisters house if you think she is being abused and her money taken from her. Is your sister taking her to the same doctor? Good to know if she is getting medical care. If you are not worried about your mother's wellbeing then you can be proud in the knowledge that you did the right thing by her regardless of the consequences and move on with your life. If there is an estate after she passes, it may owe you money.
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Well, you all spent years caregiving. It's now your sister's turn. Just as you had to learn how to do it, she will also need to learn ...or not.. Not your problem. You all did your best and got stabbed in the back. I agree. Time to dust those hands and move forward. Freedom!!! =)
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I am yet again amazed, don't know why I am with all I have seen and been through, but it is amazing how many of us are going through different kind of hell and nightmares. This is my take, and if it is any use great, you are the one who knows your truth. I fully understand how it feels to be "betrayed." Living with my mother has been a 100 round bout with Mike Tyson, and you know I am the loser, the one banged up and hurt all the time. I know about the hostile neighbours, the hatred, the lies, the speculation, the innuendo too well. What I would do, now this is me, I would be darn glad I have my home and that it is clearly yours, you have no worries there. I would cut my losses, I would not spend another moment of your precious energy and life on wondering how, why, how could she, how could they. They did, now is the time to take back your power and stop being a victim to her abuse and the insanity of an alcoholic sister. Maybe she will do fine sitting with mom all day watching the tv in an alcoholic stupor, but someone will have to pay the bills, cook, shop, do the laundry, clean the house, etc. I do not think that alcoholics are high on the list for doing these things. They will live in filth and bedlam, the alcohol will fuel fights and all sorts of drama. It is time to cut your losses and move on. I would be grateful that the good Lord took you out of this and now is the time for you to focus on yourself and those that love you. As Tony Soprano said to his mother Livia, Faggetabout you. I watch some reruns of the Livia and Tony dynamic, she is my mother, abusive and manipulative. Take care of yourself now.
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I agree who those who said that your sister did you a favor. You've been taking care of your mom for 16 years, time to let sister take care of her. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if your sister called you after a while and tried to get you to take your mom back, or your mom called you and tried to get you to take her back. Those decisions will be up to you but my suggestion would be to say no. Not out of spite but to stay out of the drama once and for all. If your mom is no longer of use to your sister then sister is going to have to find alternate arrangements. She's the caregiver now.

Having said all of that I can imagine how hurt you must be. I know I would be. In time try to see who it is that hurt you and how worthy of your thoughts they are. Try not to nurture a resentment, I know that will be hard, but it will only hurt you. Go on with your life and don't let this poison you.
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Your mother may want to come back at some point and yes, you may have to make a decision about what to do, especially if she seems incompetent to handle her own affairs. If your sister is too unreliable to handle her, you may have to take over. If you do, be prepared to have conditions like POA for health care and finances, etc. Even guardianship. Or make arrangements for her care in assisted living via Medicare. It will be difficult to get passed the emotions of betrayal but you may have to deal with her one more time before she dies and some closure will be good for the soul. You may be doing this already but I recommend therapy to get past the hurt and family drama. I grew so much after one year of therapy to realize I did not have to be part of the family drama and that I could see my mother and other family members as flawed people and take care of business without being an enabler. Best of luck!
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