Dear Caregivers
I am more of an overseer of the care being given to my wonderful momma. My Mom suffered a hemorrhagic stroke earlier this year and made the transition from the hospital to a nursing home almost a month after the stroke. She suffers from paralysis on the right side. Not only that, she seems like a new person. Almost like a toddler. This broke my heart initially, but I have come to accept this. I have had trouble getting therapy for since for months, she had no insurance. When she finally got the insurance, the therapy department in the nursing home declared, "since there is no improvement, we cannot perform more therapy". I am at a stand still. I am trying desperately to get SOMETHING for my Mom. Another problem I run into is taking her home. If she WERE to walk again, the plan was to take her home. However, she still needs to be watched 24 hours a day. I'll have to change her, feed her, bathe her, take her to her appointments, continue to rehab her since most stroke victims need to have therapy to maintain their mobility. Everywhere I go people are saying, "Take her home, take her home". But I know NO ONE WILL HELP ME WITH ANY OF THIS!! I would be giving up my entire life! Her sisters will not be willing to move in with me and do any of the hard stuff. Out of three, two are visiting. Even if she walks again, I think it would be best for me (YES ME) if she stayed in the nursing home. I would simply be miserable having to be confined to a house taking care of my disabled mother. There...I said it. I am only 26 years old with a B.A. and a low paying job, no car, no money and no other real resources. Also, I have taken guardianship of my older autistic brother ( as well as my mother). I would very much like to see him live a fulfilling life independently one day. He is high functioning and can do many things on his own. I guess I needed to rant. What are some of your thoughts? the more I tell myself that this is the most logical thing to think, I keep thinking of what my family will think of me. Most of all, what is my Mom going to think of me??
If mom seems like a toddler it is likely that the stroke caused dementia. What do the medical professionals say about this? What will your mother think of you? Sadly, her ability to think rationally may be seriously impaired now. But when your mother was well, would she have wanted you to sacrifice your life to do for her what can be done by professionals? Most mothers would be appalled at that idea.
What will your family think? Who cares? If they are not there to help you, if they are not willing to make sacrifices themselves, then they have no say in your decisions.
Your mother needs a strong advocate to see that she gets the best care available where she is. You can play that role. Your mother needs love. You can continue to be the loving daughter while other do the day-to-day hands-on caring.
Your brother needs a strong advocate. Bless you for taking on that role. Being burdened with the full-time hands-on care of your mother will detract from your ability to do that effectively. Would your mother want what is best for your brother (if she were in her right mind)?
Bringing mother home because of what others will think when it is not the best for you in this season of your life and it is not the best for your brother is doing the wrong thing for the wrong reason.
I have had my Mother for 2 years, doing exactly what you describe. I would never allow my children to give up 2 years of their lives to take care of me like this. I was happy to do it but the time has come to move Mother elsewhere. The isolation is terrible and it wears on your health, physically and mentally.
Being a good caregiver of your Mother does not mean you have to physically everything. You can see that she is well cared for, safe and comfortable. Your plate is already full. You owe no explanation to anyone!
God bless!