I feel like I need help. Not financial help. Not emotional help. Like tangible actionable help. I’m overwhelmed. I’m drowning. I feel guilty. I feel resentful. I feel like giving up. To say I was underprepared by the overwhelming nature of what caretaking is and how much it takes out of you is an understatement. I thought it would be easier – manageable even. I thought I’d have more help. I don’t know what I thought, I just knew that I had to take my dad in – it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do for my mom as well.
I feel like nothing is going to save me from the inevitable fallout. I feel that in trying to juggle the relationships around me they are instead all starting to fail. I am constantly worried about everyone and their moods and what’s on their plates and not trying to push anyone all at the expense of myself. I feel like my girlfrien is stressed, overwhelmed at not having a partner and a relationship anymore but rather living in what may be the expected reality of a married woman after 40 years. We both work full time and I try to be conscientious of her needs and her own stresses that have nothing to do with our home life. Adding to that however is the reality that our home life further compounds any other stress at any given time.
My mom is stressed. She is also diabetic with high blood pressure in her 60s and has become increasingly inactive, withdrawn to her room, and less reliable as a resource for help. I have to constantly remind myself that she is here with us for an entirely separate circumstance than my father, who is turning 88, and that they are divorced and had been living separately until now for 15+ years. Little things she used to be open to doing more regularly she is seemingly no longer open to doing. After our last blowup and how that affected me I am hesitant to ask her to do anything beyond what I feel she is willingly self-motivated to do – which isn’t much. I’m frustrated and burdened by the fact that she, unlike my dad, is mobile and independently able to do things but financially tied and reliant on me to do most things for her and/or in the very least in my company.
My dad on the other hand is financially independent and contributes to his room and board but in the realest sense of becoming a ‘caretaker’ requires assistance with everything else. His medical appointments are getting longer and more frequent. I spend hours each week sorting out his medications, contacting doctors, facilitating all aspects of his medical care – all aside from the time missed at work to accompany him to appointments and lab draws and to make sure that he is both receiving adequate care and asking/retaining the information we need to manage him at home.
Most nights I want to go home after work and immediately shut the doors and close off from everything but on most nights, I’m either stressing about dinner when my mom isn’t in the mood, which stresses not only me but solicits complaints from my father about ‘things not working’ out, and also solicits frustration from my girlfriend who like myself – had been at work all day and doesn’t want to deal with anything more for the night. I stress about managing expectations. I stress about the stress I know others will feel when said expectations are not met. I struggle to find a balance when my dad corners me with his laundry list of items and deciding between postponing things to the weekends or just dealing with things right then and there. But then come weekends – short precious weekends – and I find myself busy juggling with personal errands; communal errands (like groceries and household necessities); assessing bills and finances for my dad; chores – usually bed linen and bathroom towel laundry and/or cleaning the bathroom itself, or moving things, reorganizing things, etc for him; doing our own laundry; worrying about meals – CONSTANTLY – out of guilt that I’m not home during the week to help so I want to give my mom time ‘off’ but as there is increasingly little time ‘on’ – the resentment creeps in. And it’s not her fault, nor is it her responsibility. And none of this is my dad’s fault, and it is my responsibility. I'm their only child. I also feel like I’m stretched incredibly thin trying be a loving and responsible kid, a bookkeeper, a chauffeur, a medical advocate, an ATM, a friend, a lover, and a good person in general. I feel in juggling it all I am halfassed at best.
I don’t have the answers. My intentions are falling short. Everyone is growing restless and resentment is silently fostering in us all. I feel I do nothing anymore but constantly chase my own tail and by no means can time spent with anyone be considered ‘quality’ time spent with me. I can feel it. I’m drowning. I feel as though I started out as a person motivated by the purest of intentions and now grapple with my own darkness as the cloud of self-doubt, guilt, anger and resentment shield me from any hint of my former self.
Someone named Martha once got a surprising lesson from Mary; reduce expectations, and save the energy and time for the important things. Some of the important things seem like luxuries but aren't. You have to pay the bills. You have to make sure there is food in the house. Let some of the other details go as much as possible.
Dad can afford a caregiver, either get one for him or move him into assisted living. Why is Dad financially well off and Mom is broke? Didn't he need to pay alimony or at least some kind of support if she is unable to work? Of course 15 years ago is a long time back and maybe her health was good then. Maybe Dad could pay for an apartment for Mom until she can get into subsidized living rather than hire a caregiver right now?? Is Dad a veteran? If he doesn't have significant money or income, he and Mom could both qualify for a pension.
Is Dad paying for his room and care at your home? If so, would you be financially O.K. to kick in for an apartment for Mom until she could get into the subsidized living.
First and foremost, get the two of them in separate living spaces.
Help for me came when I got my mom signed-up for Medicaid. I currently have her enrolled in the Community Based Waiver Program, which is a Medicaid based program designed to keep your loved one at home, by providing them 20-40hrs in-home provider caregiver service/supervision. Medicaid also offers transportation to a from doctor's appointments.
Also, you may want to look into a Nanny Service provider. More and more, Nanny Service providers are offering Elder Care services (ie. Sitter Service) for far less than your typical Nursing Service Provider. Elder care service can come in 2 forms: (1) Live-In provider or (2) Live-out provider. Live-In provider service is less expensive, but you sacrifice your privacy at home.
You mentioned that your father is financially independent. In order to get Medicaid, you must meet an income requirement. If you exceed the income cap, you will have to setup a Miller's Trust; for this, I recommend you contact an Elder Care Lawyer.
Hope this helps...Stay well.
And, how long has each of them been living with you? Was it supposed to be a temporary stop-gap until better accommodation could be found, or what?
In terms of practical help, make a detailed assessment of their individual needs both immediately and in the foreseeable future. You will then be able to think more clearly about how those can be met; but the current situation is untenable from all points of view.
What's your mother stressed about? Has she been recently bereaved, or suffered a relationship breakdown, illness or comparably painful event? I should keep half an eye on "competitive neediness" if I were you (that's not a technical term, I just made it up but I'm sure you'll see what I'm getting at) - as long as you express your love and care for her, you can still make it clear that you believe she can bounce back from here.
Don't anticipate guilt. In your circumstances there are better ways to be a good son than by housing both parents under your own roof; and your mother, in particular, is much too young to become your dependant. See that their needs are met, and you'll have nothing to feel guilty about.
Everything that Jeanne said...get mom on a list for subsidized housing. Do some research on assisted living places and take your dad to visit. If your mom likes to research and is motivated to move dad, maybe that's a task she eould enjoy doing!
As you describe your situation, it sounds simply untenable to me. Your parents are divorced. In many families the divorced couple can't even hold it together enough to get through a family event like a wedding or graduation, and you have these people living under the same roof? I have a very cordial relationship with my ex-husband. Holidays and events are no problem. But I am trying to imagine living with my son because of financial hardship and then my ex moving in. OMG! Talk about stress. Talk about withdrawing to my room. Talk about being reluctant to help out Talk about neglecting my diabetes and going downhill! I just cannot imagine that scenario. Did your mother agree with moving your father in? Neither one of you could really imagine what you were getting in to.
And even without the complication of exes under the same roof, caregiving is a much more demanding role than most of us realize when we get into it. You are trying to work full time, as is your partner. This is a critical period for establishing your career and building for your future. And now one of you has the work interruptions of medical appointments and the stress of more people to shop for and feed and keep the house clean for. It is a shock for most of us. Many of us manage to work things out and cope -- but that is without the built-in huge stress that dwells in your house.
How does your partner feel about both of your partners sharing your house? Was he/she in favor of it before it happened?
Your intentions are A1 first-class. But it is hardly surprising you are unable to fulfill your intentions. It is not because you are a bad son or friend or lover or bookkeeper, etc. It is because you are in a no-win situation.
Mother's need is financial. Start there. If she could afford to live on her own, it sounds like she is capable of it. Help her look into subsidized housing for the elderly. If that seems feasible, she may need to be on a waiting list. That's OK. You can tough this out if there is an end in site.
Father can't live on his own, but he can pay for what he needs. Assisted Living, with transportation to medical appointments, may be ideal for him. Help him look into that.
With both parents getting their basic needs met you can go back to being their loving child, visiting each separately, sometimes taking them out (separately) providing little treats, etc. You can focus on building the foundation for your own future, both in your career and in your relationship.
Drastic advice? Yup. Your situation strikes me as drastically in need of fixing!