I feel like I need help. Not financial help. Not emotional help. Like tangible actionable help. I’m overwhelmed. I’m drowning. I feel guilty. I feel resentful. I feel like giving up. To say I was underprepared by the overwhelming nature of what caretaking is and how much it takes out of you is an understatement. I thought it would be easier – manageable even. I thought I’d have more help. I don’t know what I thought, I just knew that I had to take my dad in – it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do for my mom as well.
I feel like nothing is going to save me from the inevitable fallout. I feel that in trying to juggle the relationships around me they are instead all starting to fail. I am constantly worried about everyone and their moods and what’s on their plates and not trying to push anyone all at the expense of myself. I feel like my girlfrien is stressed, overwhelmed at not having a partner and a relationship anymore but rather living in what may be the expected reality of a married woman after 40 years. We both work full time and I try to be conscientious of her needs and her own stresses that have nothing to do with our home life. Adding to that however is the reality that our home life further compounds any other stress at any given time.
My mom is stressed. She is also diabetic with high blood pressure in her 60s and has become increasingly inactive, withdrawn to her room, and less reliable as a resource for help. I have to constantly remind myself that she is here with us for an entirely separate circumstance than my father, who is turning 88, and that they are divorced and had been living separately until now for 15+ years. Little things she used to be open to doing more regularly she is seemingly no longer open to doing. After our last blowup and how that affected me I am hesitant to ask her to do anything beyond what I feel she is willingly self-motivated to do – which isn’t much. I’m frustrated and burdened by the fact that she, unlike my dad, is mobile and independently able to do things but financially tied and reliant on me to do most things for her and/or in the very least in my company.
My dad on the other hand is financially independent and contributes to his room and board but in the realest sense of becoming a ‘caretaker’ requires assistance with everything else. His medical appointments are getting longer and more frequent. I spend hours each week sorting out his medications, contacting doctors, facilitating all aspects of his medical care – all aside from the time missed at work to accompany him to appointments and lab draws and to make sure that he is both receiving adequate care and asking/retaining the information we need to manage him at home.
Most nights I want to go home after work and immediately shut the doors and close off from everything but on most nights, I’m either stressing about dinner when my mom isn’t in the mood, which stresses not only me but solicits complaints from my father about ‘things not working’ out, and also solicits frustration from my girlfriend who like myself – had been at work all day and doesn’t want to deal with anything more for the night. I stress about managing expectations. I stress about the stress I know others will feel when said expectations are not met. I struggle to find a balance when my dad corners me with his laundry list of items and deciding between postponing things to the weekends or just dealing with things right then and there. But then come weekends – short precious weekends – and I find myself busy juggling with personal errands; communal errands (like groceries and household necessities); assessing bills and finances for my dad; chores – usually bed linen and bathroom towel laundry and/or cleaning the bathroom itself, or moving things, reorganizing things, etc for him; doing our own laundry; worrying about meals – CONSTANTLY – out of guilt that I’m not home during the week to help so I want to give my mom time ‘off’ but as there is increasingly little time ‘on’ – the resentment creeps in. And it’s not her fault, nor is it her responsibility. And none of this is my dad’s fault, and it is my responsibility. I'm their only child. I also feel like I’m stretched incredibly thin trying be a loving and responsible kid, a bookkeeper, a chauffeur, a medical advocate, an ATM, a friend, a lover, and a good person in general. I feel in juggling it all I am halfassed at best.
I don’t have the answers. My intentions are falling short. Everyone is growing restless and resentment is silently fostering in us all. I feel I do nothing anymore but constantly chase my own tail and by no means can time spent with anyone be considered ‘quality’ time spent with me. I can feel it. I’m drowning. I feel as though I started out as a person motivated by the purest of intentions and now grapple with my own darkness as the cloud of self-doubt, guilt, anger and resentment shield me from any hint of my former self.
I agree with many of the other commenters - about looking into ALFs - perhaps Medicaid can help your mother financially? The ALFs will arrange to take your father to his appointments, and he will be accompanied by someone. There's always a cost but perhaps this makes sense? Your employer may be very understanding but maybe you need some help with all these doctor appointments.
I know you feel obligated to do this for your parents, but it may be impossible for you to do all this under these circumstances plus a full time job. You have to take into account your own health (physical and emotional). This does not sound like a good long term solution and would be really challenging for someone who did not have a full time job.
My parents lived on my street and I was there almost every day. Soon it became clear the house was too much for them but my mother didn't want to move out. Their marriage has its ups and major downs. I started with a "Geriatric Consultant" who helped me find good doctors and a good ALF for my parents, which they now really like. Now they are about 20 minutes away, I visit once a week, sometimes more. There is always a list of duties for me to perform the minute I walk in the door. I know they don't mean to use me, but there are many tasks that are not necessary and the reflex is to just ask me to do it - even things they can do. This is why I dread going - it really sucks the energy out of me. I frequently feel guilt, but try to remind myself that guilt is better than resentment - where the costs can be too dangerous, to all concerned. Please take care.
When I was looking at senior facilities for my dad, so many people told me how their kids forced them into them - and they are so glad that they did! Your mother may think she likes living with you, but I think it will likely be better and more energizing for her if she is with peers. In any case, she is able to care for herself, don't let her use up the energy you need to care for yourself and do your job.
Your dad definitely needs support. That's been well covered here. You may want to get a care manager (see, for example, www.caremanager.org) to help you sort these things out if you or your dad can afford it.
I agree with someone else who mentioned depression. This can make your very complicated situation seem that much worse and lessen your ability to see your way out. I wonder if your mother has similar issues?
Good luck.
carries my book free. lots of ideas. "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents"
Next, your dad is 88 yrs old with lots of old age issues and they will expand until he passes on in his 90's probably. I would use his funds to get a home health aide in the house to care for him while you work and time each weekend for you and your girlfriend to have time for yourself. Just like couples need babysitters for small children to attend to their relationship time, you need a reliable home health aide to care for your dad when you and your girl friend have date night. You may want to get a house keeper to clean the house once a wk or twice a month to further free up your time.
You still have the medical visits, portioning out the meds for dad, and getting his daily laundry done. Have the home health aides get him dressed and cleaned each day.
As an only child I know what it is like to care for an elder alone. Been there don that. But you need to have enough support (home health aides) to allow you to have some sort of a life. You need to do the part of caregiving: which you his son excel at ( being able to talk to dad, having time to share a book or tv with him, caring for his medicines and being the contact person for medicare/insurance and doctor contacts). If you are overwhelmed with the small details of caregiving --you are exhausting yourself and doing what you
think is a half----ed job of it.
Your heart is in the right place--but use your head to redefine the job of only child primary caregiver. For years I tried to 'fix" my father's old age. I could not "fix" his old age but I could make his old age (last years) as pleasant as I could. Old age will win in the end--it always does. It is not reversible. Accept that point and keep good days and bad days in perspective. If today was a good day--great but if it is a bad day the next day can be better.
It is better to have a facility with 24/7 staff care for them, than to have you doing 3 shifts a day plus an extra at work. That way you can take them out or home on Sunday for dinner and enjoy the pleasant parts of them.
I did some research for both the care of my grams and myself. Told my family that is it, they need to help more. Even if it is for no more than a phone call to talk with her. But I need more time out. I connected with Southern Caregivers here in San Diego County, reached out to my therapist I have not needed in over a year, and have been deeply self-honest. And honest with everyone else.
I obtained more information about dementia and senior health. A huge relief to know I am not insane, abnormal or morally deficient. I journal, pray and take time outs during the day. If I don't I lose my temper, just raising my voice adds to the problem. Arguing with someone who is incapable of understanding is useless. Now that I understand, it is easier to walk away.
My first suggestion is research the assistance in your area. Get out to groups that understand. Take those time outs. As for taking responsibility for everyone, I discovered I had some deep wounds to heal and have taken that time to do so. Self-healing is the most important gift we as caregivers can give ourselves. Especially when we are caring for parents or grandparents. The child wants to be accepted and parented, but our parents and grand parents are not capable any longer. Our roles are reversed and that in itself is very difficult to accept. Grief has been my companion for a few months. I finally listened and let it move on.
I send you blessings and hope that you find the help you need, Jaspur13.
I do not want my mum in a NH nobody does but its the only solution left to me as ive no help or support from Gov or family and i mentally and physically can no longer do this without getting very ill.
We love our parents we want them to be happy but sometimes lifes throws too much crap our way and we are only human and must realise that sometimes things are not possible for the good of all.
I really feel for you as caring for two parents like this must be a huge stress dont feel guilty and sort this out soon so you can enjoy your time with them AND keep your sanity!
Hugs and let us know what happens youre not alone so dont feel guilty i have a sick stomach from guilt I should be happy to care for my mum but nobody told me how hard this would be! Venting here is good and so important where else can you let off steam i know most of us would be lost and very alone without this site as everyone here understands how we are all feeling and its perfectly normal to feel this way we do our best and its never enough how can it be we want to do the right thing but sometimes the right thing is to look after ourselves first i mean where would your parents be if you were ill and unable to look after them?
You will find a solution and get through this we all do in the end i am at my wits end and know that mum will have to go into a NH soon as im important too and my health is failing! I cant handle this on my own and as a family i shouldnt have to my siblings are all getting on with thier lives and im here tearing my hair out somethings gotta give now and im being positive that it will soon.
I light a candle every week for everyone on this site to help us on this long and hard journey and bring us peace when the time comes.
What keeps me going is that one day i will have peace and whatever choices ive had to make no matter how hard they are i was here for my mum and i did everything i could to make this better for her my siblings will not have this peace but that is thier own fault!
HUGS
My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.