My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
It's gotten to a point now where her neediness and attention-seeking behavior is ruining my life. She doesn't have money for an AL or live-in help, so my sister and I will be discussing other possibilities.
I hate caregiving. It has done a lot of damage to my life. I'm almost 30 and I've had to help my mom in some capacity since I was 17 and caregiving is the only thing I've done since graduating college. I'm at the point where my disdain for helping my mom 24/7 outweighs my love for her. I cringe at times when she needs me to do something.
However, having said all of that, I DO NOT want the caregiving to end with her dying. I don't want it to end with me dying either. I want it to end with her being mobile and able to live on her own again and I can leave the nest and start my life. I don't want it to end with one or both of us dying or go through something major, tragic, or controversial.
You are too old to pin your life on the tooth fairy or Father Christmas!
Reporting myself to make this query and appreciate your consideration.
I see your point but cannot make this switch. Unlike questions, discussions do not have the "reply" feature. Changing this question to a discussion would delete all answers that have been posted as replies (like this one) from the thread. Thank you for your suggestion, though!
Two years ago, my downstairs neighbor wanted to suddenly become BFFs. She’d just hit about 60, but she wanted me to start doing things for her, while I work full time and she watches TV full time. I believe she now has MS. But, yes, these types think they will “decide” who will be their caregiver, how best they can trap them into it, they’ll smear campaign if you don’t and they don’t seem to care at all that the choice is actually yours. That you hold agency over whether or not you’d like to give up possibly the remainder of your life, in their interest, even when they say there like a king or queen, preparing for nothing, not considering purchasing long term care, and possibly not even trying to find what services there are to help them, because they decided they wanted the personal service you “should” be freely providing. They don’t even have to know you. Even other enabling numb nuts, who either don’t work or aren’t ambitious with personal pursuits think they can shake their finger at you, for not diving into caregiving. Bottom line is that CAREGIVING IS A CHOICE, particularly, when you don’t know and aren’t related or married to a person!
This is a BIG topic at our house as we come to terms with our own mortality.
I haven't been to his gravesite since he was buried, and that has been almost eight years ago. I didn't grieve him that much either.
ER dump her and make the state take care of her. Some people don't deserve to have a family. She is one of them.
When we are seeing Loved ones suffer and be in pain I think it’s only human to want that pain to end for them and for them to in peace.
However, with her memory declining she has made life at times miserable for everyone in my home. She puts a strain on my marriage even though my husband is a very patient and kind man. I don’t wish for my mother to die, but there are times that I fantasize when she isn’t here that I have the house to myself again. I think about all the positives of her not being here constantly. I think for me it’s a resentment that is deep and it’s difficult for me sometimes to remember the person that she used to be. I have felt the same way as you and guilty that I think those negative thoughts…. but I have read that it’s natural for caregivers to get burned out and to be resentful and to start thinking about what it would be like when that person is no longer here.
Thanks to everyone here for ‘getting it’! It helps at least to know a bunch of us feel the same
There is no human being on this earth who has unlimited patience and compassion. At some point the well runs dry and there's none left. Especially if the caregiver has an abusive history with the needy, elderly person or persons they are caregivers too.
Even when there isn't a history of abuse, the elderly narcissism, complaining, morbidity, negativity, instigating, gaslighting, and last but not least the attitude of entitlement that elderly people often have in expecting others to cater to their every whim and demand simply because they are old.
No one can put up with this indefinitely no matter how patient, loving and compassionate they are. At some point they start to resent the elderly person they are a slave to. They can't change one more diaper. They can't scrub one more urine or sh*t stain off the carpeting or furniture. They can't spend one more second in the filthy, stinking, hoarded house. It's made ten times worse when the elder appreciates nothing and believes their caregiver really doesn't do all that much for them.
At some point, everyone wishes them dead because it means their slavery ends.
No one should ever feel guilty for thinking it because we all do.
Every day I struggle with my mother in law.