My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
We wanted our dad to pass to relieve him of his pain and suffering. He never complained but his pain was so obvious. His sickness affected the entire family. We were sad when he died, but relieved that he was no longer suffering. We all miss him to this day and long to see him. But he is at peace.
And I’m like, here we go again. Here we all go thinking that fil or mil is on the imminent edge of dying.
Forgive me for having been through this at least a dozen times with him and her over the past 2 years. I’m just desensitized to them saying this is it.
are you an only child? i ask because i’m surprised at how easily you take it:
“I feel my parents took care of me and it is my duty to take care of them”
i ask you because i’m not able to take it that calmly. i wonder how you manage to take it that calmly?
Sometimes she reacts a little, sometimes not.
She was not perfect when she was well (who among us are), but she acted ALWAYS out of the love she felt for her family.
I hope she has known, as I’ve done my best to indicate her family’s love for her, that even the worst of us probably think we’ve done our best on her behalf.
So with Love, we wait.
Your thoughts of relief for the future are only that, thoughts. Your thoughts do not make things happen, so there is nothing to feel guilty about. Thoughts are safe and normal, and a good coping strategy.
Take care of yourself. Take care of your LO as much as is possible, for you.
Please go on your vacation. Your mother will be cared for at the AL she's in.
You already know that there will be a "health crisis" and an "emergency" because she wants you to miss out on your vacation. She wants to ruin it for you and will give the performance of her life to get you to.
Now, you can do one of two things here. Don't let her know you're going on a vacation. Just go. Leave instructions with the AL staff to tell your mother you're on vacation if she asks where you are. Tell them to not contact you unless there's an actual emergency and to not help your mother contact you for any reason.
Or you can stop playing her games. You do not have to meet her endless needs and pay her constant attention. She is in an AL facility that has aid staff. Believe me when I say NO ONE can meet the endless needs 24/7 or cater to the asinine nonsense our beloved elders come up with. It will consume your life and ruin both your mental and physical health if you're trying to. In spite of almost 25 years as an in-home caregiver to elderly my mother's endless needs and abusive nonsense almost put me in my grave. Im walking away because my life depends on it. So does yours.
Ask her doctor to prescribe medication to help her anxiousness. Then go on your vacation. When you return reduce the number of phone calls you take from your mother. Reduce the number of visits and hours you spend at the AL visiting her.
My friend confided in me, that he hopes his father dies soon, because he’s so nasty to him. I must say, I can understand my friend’s feelings, because his father’s nastiness is extreme.
I just wrote 2 paragraphs and deleted them regarding some of the many ways my mom willfully neglected her own health. I'll just condense them: Living on toast to lose weight because she loved how thin my friend was....the one with stomach cancer, purposely living in a mold environment for years (yes we tried, even so far as telling her that her clothing smelled and bringing her information), refusing to monitor her BP, not following up with dr, not getting prescriptions filled, not because she forgot, but because she's 'fine'...even though she's fine because the meds were working. She wouldn't get avacados because they're $1 each, but she'll buy chips for $4. Those are the top ones, there are so many more.
Add to that that mom was mean and you're now supposed to overlook all that and sacrifice your quality of life to remind them to eat, buy their avacados and well, ya, I get what you're feeling.
My mom forgets what's inconvenient, remembers what she wants to and wants waited on. I no longer answer every question, but tell her how to find the answer and am not serving her.
Mom: What day is it? Me: Where is your calendar?
Mom: When do I take this monitor off? Me: Three days after it was put on.
Mom: When was that? Me: Where's the paperwork?
Mom: Here it is (trying to hand it to me) Me: Awesome! Read it and it should say on there.
Me: Mom, do you want to eat? Mom: YES PLEASE
Me: The chicken is on the 2nd shelf and the steamed brocc is right beside it.
Mom: Put the dog outside Me: The dog goes out when she wants to.
Mom: I don't want it around me Me: My dog is part of my family and LIVES here. Mom: dirty looks the dog
Mom: Can I turn a light on? Me: What do you think?
Mom: Well I want to make sure it's ok Me : Don't I tell you if you're reading to please turn a light on? Mom: Yes (and the unspoken part....I usually turn it on when I say that)
I wouldn't say my mom is a narcissist, but Dr Ramini (You Tube) listed 4 types, and gave examples. Some of the phrases Dr R said they use are some of the EXACT things I've heard my entire life, so I'd say mom has had narcissistic tendencies.
My mom has expected respect without giving it, and has actually said, "I'm an old lady" as if that gives her the right to be rude. My siblings think she is just wanting to be taken care of. We have each observed her on security camera, reading or watching tv until she hears us coming near, then she turns off the tv or puts down the book and will stare vacantly or put her head in her hands. She has been seen moving briskly until she realizes we're there, then she slows down to p p steps and puts her arms out as if she is attempting to balance.
While your mom is in the hospital, can you talk to doctors about releasing her to a LTC facility?
many of the things you describe are like what’s happening on my side: for example the dialogues. that way she does less, you do more. sneaky ways to try to dump even more tasks on your shoulders.
“It is so very frustrating when you are the one expected to take care of them when they refused to care for themselves.”
i understand you!
here, you and i have different experiences. my mother is normally extreeeeeemely healthy. she took really great care of herself all her life. she got unlucky and started having health issues - but it’s absolutely not her fault.
passion for others, so how could you learn compassion for them when it might seem appropriate. Don’t feel
bad about how people judge you. They are not in your shoes. Some
therapu for yourself might be helpful
to handle the stress you are going
Through.
That's not entirely true or accurate
I DO have ways of getting out
The local transit bus can come here but I have to request a route deviation 2 hours in advance
And we do have people and neighbors who help take us places
It's just been too hot to do anything
I can't go anywhere to have fun and meet people because of her
I am 29 years old and still haven't found my true love yet and I never will as long as I'm stuck being my mom's caretaker!
I'm afraid to stand up to myself because I fear what her reaction and the consequence of rebelling would be
There are only 2 ways out of this:
-Save up money and move out or be placed into a group home (me and my brother are slightly disabled)
OR
-Wait for my mom to die so we can FINALLY be free at long last!
There is NOTHING wrong with wishing an elderly loved one dies especially if they lived a long enough life (my mom is 70) and have become a waste of resources
Addto that neglected financial paperwork, bills, etc., that she refuses to even open let alone address, and we’d have similar moms.
It isn’t wrong to want struggle and suffering to end. Hers, yours, everyone’s. Since her condition isn’t going to improve (it is so frustrating that these people have folks waiting on them hand and foot and STILL won’t lift a finger to better their conditions!), it seems logical to just secretly hope it will all end. I have the same hard thoughts, which are hard because this person was never a mother. Just a person who had kids and was never happy. I hope you can find some peace knowing you aren’t alone.
" stays" now even if she is left alone. I will do what I can but MY emotional health comes first and I will be unapologetic about that now.
Dysfunction, especially when combined with abuse, does not end once a child reaches adulthood or because the abuser begins to get old. By then, the abusive parent is well-versed in the tactics needed to make their children do what they want, and these behaviors are likely to continue right up until the parents' death unless someone—usually the abused—makes it stop.
When she is gone...you are going to miss her.
Suck it up buttercup..
She raised your A@# and you don't get to decide to do anything but check the mail.
Unbelievable...
Microphone DROP
I am so happy to have found this forum. I found myself becoming more so frustrated reading other forums where adult children were admonishing anyone who would even consider for a NY second placing their "loved one" in a facility of any kind. In none of the posts I read where any peeps didn't have a parent living with them as such.
Well, well- aren't they lucky to have had a supportive mother and or dad all their lives to love them, build them up, be their rock et al. What they seemingly can not reconcile is that there are many who didn't and therefore do not have the same feelings about said parent and where they go when they have always been Narcs and by DSM 5 definition and NOW have dementia. Afterall, your mother brought you into this world....(maybe I should be sending her a Thank you card and flowers?) Yep she did, but mentally and emotionally abused me and sent my very loving and supportive Dad to an early grave at 65 (25 years ago)
She is now 87 years old and has dementia. I have been estranged from her most of my adult life. The two friends she had left, dumped her 20 years ago because they told her that everything was always about HER. That they wanted joy and laughter in their lives, not her complaining and bad mouthing her kids and other friend.
Fortunately she has enough money to move in to a high end facility, but it won't be good enough for her. She doesn't want to be around old people in wheelchairs, walkers or needing other devices. She also isn't interested in being around those with dementia because she doesn't have it. That said, she has a private caregiver 10 hours a day to cook for her because she can't safely use the stove. In fact, if I was to bring her in bags of groceries, she wouldn't know what to do with them. She wouldn't bathe and didn't when I took care of her single handedly for 4 months. # times I got fired and 3 times I quit.
This woman has made my life a living hell all my life and now I even call her and see her maybe once a week. She is a 15 minute walk from me and every day I tell myself 'tomorrow'. I can't stand the woman.
I am feeling so angry and bitter right now. She has destroyed so many people's lives and she is STILL here! She is supposed be going to this residence at the end of the month and I am thinking the worst is yet ahead. She will be a disrupter and maybe kicked out. She truly will not have anywhere to go if she does, or leaves on her own accord. Though I couldn't give a Fat F if she does.
Thanks All.
helping to care for. I will miss the parents I loved who are long gone from these bodies. I will grieve these people as they were. What is left now are the empty shells of two people who are miserable because they have no quality of life and every day for them is a monumental task to just get through it. My sisters and I took good care of them for the past ten years but now they are both declining rapidly. So what I finally wish for as a loving daughter is for them both to have good deaths and to finally be free from suffering. I have no guilt expressing this.
In any case, I am sorry I don't have any advice. I just wanted to offer my support and let you know that you aren't alone. The way you are feeling is completely normal. I went through the "bereavement" process many times over, since my dad began to go downhill. That was painful...and to have to go through it over and over again every time I go to visit, has literally taken a tool on my health and attitude. I just can't do it anymore!! Thank god he is in a place that can safely take care of him. Now, I am just waiting for him to pass so I can go on with my life.
You are exhausted. You have nothing left in your tank, but more is expected, yes demanded, of you. You are struggling to survive. You just want it over.
Your question is "Is it wrong?" Well, maybe it is wrong, but if it is, many of us on this message board have been wrong.
If your conscience still bothers you, get on your knees and ask for forgiveness. Then forgive yourself.
Set boundaries my friend, find your peace and make friends with it( we know when our peace is disturbed) and when that happens set more boundaries, and remember there are many ways to to assure mom has adequate care without you having to assume the role.
Personally, as a daughter I feel as long as I assure she has care/ assistance then I’ve done my job ( much like when they found baby sitters for us lol). Be creative as possible in doing so ( hire, barter, negotiate, etc… well as far as your means can stretch! And if all else fails maybe it’s time for NH or assisted living..
Happy to hear you husband is progressing 😊
Wishing you the best outcome😊
With my mother, she is not accepting that she has to go-she wants HER OLD LIFE BACK and now EVERYONE is going to pay for putting her out to pasture. Nope- she will pay. Only she can accept her fate (lucky woman) Only she can make the best of it or the worst of it. I have a life to live especially after 15 years of therapy. None of us know how many years we have ahead of us and I sure 'ain't' spending them stressing over and taking her tantrums for the remainder of what I have left.