My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
My family takes care of both Mom & Dad. Dad tries a lot harder to be independent, and he is cheerful and appreciates our help (most of the time). Mom is cranky and nasty and verbally abusive.
You do NOT owe your mother your life, no matter what she says.
On the other hand, I miss him terribly. :(
I miss the weasels a whole lot more.
If you don't like ferrets, they do have one big thing in common with other animals: they don't judge; they can't give so-called constructive criticism; they'll never call you a "weirdo..." (Ninety percent of anything you may have heard about ferrets being mean or dangerous to people is urban legend; eight percent due to their owners' not knowing how to train or handle them; two percent applies to the rest of the domestic corner of the animal kingdom).
I always knew I'd feel some sadness at Mum's passing, despite knowing it'd bring much relief, because a) her abuse was "only" because of mental disorder(s) rather than evil, and c) nobody should have to be in the position to look forward to a parent's passing.
I'm not sure it's possible to be a long-term caregiver for a loved one and never have that feeling zing through one's mind, especially during times of stress or when the elder/disabled person is abusive.
My Mother had many of the illnesses and challenges the original poster's Mom had and more. There were times when I prayed to God to take her. Her suffering was unbearable for her and I can't describe how seeing my Mom go through what she did... how it affected me. Still affects me.
I did the best I could for her. I was there for her. I tried to make her as comfortable and happy as possible.
That's all anyone can do. It's OK to wish peace for someone you love when you see them suffering so. The guilt that comes with the wish for an ending to suffering ... IGNORE it. You are doing right. Your heart is in the right place.
Anyone that watches a loved one suffer and doesn't care. That's the scary picture. That's the person that should feel guilty.
To some it sounds horrible to wish death on a parent or loved one. But, I don't feel guilty over these feelings. I feel this way because I love her so damn much.
but now she is in the nursing home all of us have had some peace of mind and can enjoy our visits with her. I had surgury at the beginning of this year and couldnt drive for 3 months. mom didnt even realize that i had not been there.
i also have wished that God would take her out of her misery but really she is no more miserable than she had been before the dementia.
but in the home she is safer and has the care she needs and we have peace of mind. we also know the worst is to come and pray we can handle it when she doesnt know who we are.
God will take her when her time on earth is done and not a moment earlier. this disease has brought us kids more together than we were ever allowed to be growing up. so some good has come of it. Just love your parents as long as you can.
Southernyank, sorry to hear the nurse notice some signs of Ad. You are in my prayers.
To get to my point, NO, don't feel guilty about wanting your mom to go....When God is ready he/she will take her. Just pray for peace and no pain....
If possible consider Hospice care ---It was the best decision I ever made for her.
My love and hugs to all of you who are caregivers. We are not alone.
Mother is seldom pleasant to me, and quite often refuses to even speak to me for hours on end. She has been lazy her entire life. She doesn't want my attention until I start to do something. THEN she wants to wander and try to get into stuff she needs to leave alone. OR... if I go anywhere, she does all kinds of odd things... such as pooping in a waste bin in the bathroom, or something else equally as odd. She will wake up from a sound sleep if I WHISPER to someone that I'm going to lay down and rest for awhile. Within 5 minutes she is raring to go! This is not an exaggeration! For 6 weeks after I started staying in her house I existed on less than two hours of sleep every night!
That said, the point is, if I had put her in a nursing home, she would probably already be dead. Since I give her around the clock care, she is still doing well. But I am tired! I haven't gotten to sleep in my own bed for more than a few nights in a year and a half! She is lingering, and growing lazier by the moment (as well as growing weaker from inactivity). Is it any wonder that I am ready for this to be over? But then I feel guilty for feeling this way. So, I spoke to the minister. His words to me made me feel much better. I hope they help you as well.
This is a completely normal feeling. Please do not feel guilty for wishing your mother would just let go and quit making your life miserable. If she were a dog or cat and were in pain and suffering from the amount of confusion there is bound to be associated with Alzheimer's, then you would do the humane thing and euthanize them. We cannot do this with our elders. What we CAN do is to choose to ignore their nastiness, and take the high road and be pleasant to them in return.
I find this difficult quite often... but I also realize that my mother takes perverse pleasure in being difficult, cantankerous, and quite frankly MEAN. When it gets too bad... I just smile, walk away, and say... "I'm okay with that. You are the one that will have to suffer the consequences of your actions. Not me."
It works! Good luck!