Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

I think there is nothing wrong with wanting your love on to have PEACE. I deal with crying, moaning and confusion every day. Mom can not tell me if she is hungry, hurting, need a drink. I find my self asking God to take this angel so she will have peace. I am a farmer my animals don't suffer like this so why does my mom have to.

I hate to say this ...but I do at times wonder how long my mother will go on. She is 93. I feel like I am in a prison.

From the original post which was posted over 2 years ago: "She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out--which is what happens when you lie on your a** in bed all day and refuse to exercise."
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I'm laughing so hard right now, I'm crying. OMG, this is my mother! Except she doesn't lie in bed, she sits all day watching tv and has done so for just about 3/4 of her life!

Yesterday, we took a short walk. Half way through, she tells me her leg 'aches' and I hate that word. I mean, what does it mean? Does it hurt? How bad is the pain? ETC,ETC,ETC. She doesn't understand the pain scale and uses it backward, i.e., 10 is good, 1 is bad. She's always done this, BEFORE the dementia!

Life is strange.

Yes its wrong to hope? but its normal to pray and hope and wish to end all suffering for them for us.
I pray for an end to my suffering and my mums so i think hope someone dies is a bit strong i think we all want peace and thats nothing to feel bad about!

Oldie but goodie!!

I can certainly identify with you Belle,
My mother was very much the same way. Negative attitude and rarely a nice thing to say in her last year. She went as far as to dig her fingernails into the nurses or aids because she did not like them doing her personal things for her. Of course she could not do for herself.
I am taking care of my Father now in my home, as I have been able to retire and have the time and opportunity. He is the most easy going and not combative person I know, and would never lash out.
Does that make caring for him a lot easier? Yes, at least I can handle him. I know if I had done this with Mom I would have been driven to do something awful.
But, Dad is not here. I only get glimpses of the Dad I know through the advanced dementia he suffers from. He is limited to one liner sentences about the food, weather and such. It drives me crazy that we cannot have a conversation. He gets so confused that the best I can do is give basic commands like stand up sit walk etc. Most of the time after you try to communicate, he just laughs and says yeah, because he is not processing the information. Frustrating for me, but I know it is not his fault. I hate Dementia. It took my parents and changed them into a shell of who they once were.
It would be a relief to see Dad pass. His body has outlived himself. He does not have much quality of life, but I try to make him comfortable.
My Dad was a fighter and has been in the hospital and rehab after an accident. The therapists had to tell him "you need to stop exercising now, we don't want you to overdo this"
He cant fight any more. He just is. Being my parents parent is not my best picture of retirement, or his. Not comfortable for either of us to be in this situation.
So, yeah we know how you feel.

All I can do is ask you a question: "You feel guilty for being human???" (((((HUGS)))))

There's nothing wrong with your hope, it just indicated that the situation is putting too much stress on your life. the worse is we don't have the ability to make this better. I can't live with my mom coz she keeps forcing her thought on others and insist others to follow what she said. So she end up losing a family relationship. And on my side, I lack the compassion to understand her and sacrifice my freedom for her, you obviously did a way better job than me by taking care of your mom. So don't feel bad about yourself.

I can relate to you Belle and to most of the answers here. I see my mother in each answer and I wonder why so many mothers from that generation (I am 60) are so mean, miserable, controlling and narcissistic. I ask one of my sisters at least 3 times a year "where did mom get that feeling of entitlement?" I have wanted to so many times say to her "who do you think you are that you think you are so much better than ANYONE? She judges all, including her own children, and I'm thinking "have you looked in the mirror?" She has worn makeup like a hooker for 40 years and refuses suggestions from her slave daughters about haircuts that would take years off her. She thinks all suggestions are either insults or one of her favorite lines - you girls just want me to look old like those other old ladies. NO mom, we just want you to look like someone we can be proud to introduce to our friends. Truth is we have been embarrassed at her appearance for years. 15 years ago all four of us sisters went to a therapist because we wanted to find out why our mother is SO miserable. Therapist said one thing to us that we never forgot - "your mother is very controlling over you girls." That's when we realized that we had contributed to her becoming this person that we didn't like. After she divorced our father when we were all young, she never remarried and we ALLOWED her to be involved in all of our families to our detriment. She kept her nose in every aspect of our lives and we let her - for years- until it was too late. Once we had our own lives with our own jobs, children and husbands and started to not inform her or include her on everything, she started turning on us.

Now we are paying the price with her meanness and having to listen to the poor me speech all the time. If we say anything to her in the most respectful way about getting help -- or even a suggestion about anything- the wrath of God will come down on all of us, because she gets her jollies on trying to get one of her children to side with her against the other. At this time in our lives we have taken a united stand on this one issue and refuse to listen to her talk about our other siblings. Consequences on this is her being mad, pouting and complaining for the next few months.

And God forgive anyone that says to her how healthy she is (and she really is for 87). She hates to hear this, why? Because that takes away from her being able to constantly complain about how bad she feels. Sinuses (wow) aching knees (years of eating horribly - sugar addict) headaches (made up)... AND they know her by first name at the emergency room because she is so afraid of dying that each time she feels a little ache she makes my poor 66 yr old sister whom she lives with to take her to the ER. Each time the busy doctors say the asme thing to her - nothing wrong. Then we pay again for the stupid doctors because they don't know anything. This has been going on for years.

Ok, sorry I rambled, but the kicker is ...SHE HAS NO MONEY- she is on Medicare because she didn't think about the future after she kicked our dad out. And yes, we have been supporting her her entire life. A dear friend of the family said "if your mom didn't have kids she would be in the poor house." Correct!

I will look closely at the will when I get home. yes, it's so sad because she was a model and an actress in the 60's, very beautiful (and a bit vain I'm sure!) and the way she looks now, OMY- it's not the same person. her worst fear has come true.

Symea1, what your mother's husband decided for her was so wrong. I just went through the same choice for my mom and she died with dignity and quality of life left instead of living on a respirator for the rest of her life. This is what she wanted and I honored her wishes. I would never want my mother to suffer the way your mother is. My heart goes out to you.

Symea, how sure are you about this living will? Because if it's of the kind that has, and if your mother is in a state where it has, any validity, the feeding tube is assault. Similarly, if you have any documented proof of your mother's wishes you do have the option of putting it in front of a specialist lawyer and seeing what the advice is. Your mother's husband certainly does have the authority to make the decisions, but that doesn't mean you and/or others don't have the right to challenge them if he appears to be going against your mother's clearly set-out wishes and current best interests.

I'm afraid people can be kept going by artificial means for much longer than you will probably want to hear.

I'm very sorry for how you must feel, and I'm very sorry for your mother. I can see why you would feel that visiting her is futile at best, and at times - even worse - painful for her. It's a very sad state of affairs. Hug.

wow, I am glad I found this post. I have been feeling very guilty b/c my moms in a skilled nursing facility following a stroke and I no longer want to go visit her. She has a living will that states "Absolutely NO life support of any kind" and has often said, " If I am ever bed-ridden, with no hope PLEASE just let me go, I never want to be like that"
Then she had a severe stroke, complete Rt side paralysis, including her throat.The Dr. said, you have a choice, feeding tube or let her go," So her husband (not my dad) put the tube in so now she's on life support, exactly what she didn't want.
When I see her she mumbles, "Kill me, end this". Has to be restrained 'cuz she'll try to pull the tube out. It's horrible but he has all the power.
Now they have her so doped up she has been starring at a blank wall for 3 years.Has never left the bed has never eaten or even had a sip of water.
It takes me 12 hrs to drive out there to visit and if she is aware she just asks me to leave, Her husband can't figure out why I really don't want to come out there.
We are not close, she didn't even raise me but I somehow felt obligated.
She is miserable and I'm guilty. so how long can you live on a feeding tube anyway? ( I am being a bit sarcastic considering the topic of this discussion) but I do understand about praying for death, as awful as that sounds.

I wish there was a good answer to give you, but you already know the only solution.
At this time in her life your mom is never going to be happy so think of it from the ponit of view "what would happen to them if you were no longer physically able to care for them" Is you mom capable of living independently with your brother? if the answer is yes then look into apartments in elder houseing and get them on all the lists you can. Contact your local Area on Aging and Social services to see if they can expediate the process. I think you said previously that your brother is disabled and unable to live alone so he may be the key to getting suitable housing.
The elder housing apartments are usually for those over 55 or the disabled. the rent is income dependent so that is not a problem. there certainly alternatives out there for Mom and Bro but she probably won't ever be happy or satisfied so you just have to accept that and move ahead. She has to be told the alternatives and understand you will call APS and are going to move on. it is hard and you will get all kinds of guilt trips thrown your way and if you can't face it you will be stuck for ever. so be strong, its new week so take the bull by the horns and take the first step.

My mom is this same way. She is very miserable and demands everyone around her to be miserable as well. She has a ton of health problems ranging from strokes to diabetes to lupus to fibromyalgia and more. I am currently trying to get her to go into a home on her own so I can finally after 31 yrs have my own life. She refuses to do so, demands I stay as her caretaker and my brothers caretaker and that 'I don't deserve my own life'. I don't know what to do or where to turn to. I font want to turn her and my brother over to adult protective services and they go to somewhere I would never want them to be. I want to make sure both are put somewhere they will be happy at. What do I do?

I'm not so sure, there are times when relief of suffering is a blessing and there is no point to or no positive value in delay in death. And you can hope someone dies well and at a right time for them, for want of a better way to put it. I was pleasantly suprised to find this article in Pharos is available to the public:

alphaomegaalpha.org/pharos/PDFs/2014-1-Reynolds.pdf.

This would be a good one for the other thread on "how old is too old" as these folks did their best to make a quality life last as long as possible. With my mom, if we could have delayed it til we had a chance to visit the zoo and see the penguins, it would have been great, but yeah, it was at least getting to be her time and things could have passed the tipping point where her life was more of a burden than any of us would have wanted. I don't know that I ever reached the point of hoping she died but I did realize that I was hoping she would pass before having yet another stroke, heart attack or CHF, total blindness, or dysphagia and inability to eat...she did, I think, have a brainstem stroke (woke up very dizzy, feeling she was falling, could not really swallow) and then an MI that finally took her away from us, but she ate a piece of pizza with us the night before.

I wanted her to not die and we could not have that; I wanted her to not suffer and we could not have that entirely either, though she did get medication to ease her final chest pain; and I wanted to make sure someone was with her, because she had been afraid of dying alone, and we did at least have that.

Can totally see where you are coming from. I don't think its wrong. I fear I will suffer guilt when the time comes as I feel the same way so often. my mother is the most miserable person on earth. she is so unhappy and always was.

I love my Mom but I think she would be happier if she were gone. I only want whats best for her. Alz is tough on all of us. I would grieve her death but I would be happy she is not suffering anymore. She would not want to live with alz and all that it implies.

How can it be wrong to hope someone dies. Feelings are beyond our control. Neglect and abuse are wrong but feelings "No" now acting on them is another whole ball of wax but i won't go there.

Sometimes ... Moving forward/passing on gives everyone the peace they need . Don't feel guilty. I often wonder if I will cry at my mothers funeral because she has made everyone so miserable .. By choice :(

When one feels that kind of intense hatred and anger they must seek out either mental health ( see a therapist on how to deal with the rage, frustration, hatred) or the very least find an outlet for this intense anger : such as intense exercise, something like boxing aerobics, anything that gets aggression out of your system; or at the other end of the spectrum Yoga/meditation to calm you down; or take up pottery, painting, sculpting.

You might want to look at around at various churches to inquire if they have any volunteers who would come visit your Mom,.If you are constantly around each other, barring her hospital stays, you are both going to drive each other crazy, perhaps a nice volunteer will give your Mom a new friend and will give you a break; see I would had written to take your Mom to Adult Day Care, but you write she does not like moving around a lot so she would balk at that.But having a sweet person come and sit and talk with her might be quite beneficial and with the church you will not have to worry about that stranger being in your home, plus you can be in the house too, just not in the room with her and your Mom.

And if you really did give the finger to Anonymous95109 you should apologize I can tell they were very hurt by that. That kind of thing should not go on on here, we are all going through tough times caring for loved ones, so lashing out at others only creates more stress and hurt. The moral and honorable thing to do would be to apologize.

I am the granddaughter, 43, no children here, but Thank You for your support and vehemence Veronica! J

Jsomebody you have summed it up perfectly. Your anger is more than justified. Now is the time to take action while the monster is out of the house. Your Mom does not have to take him back nor does she have the responsibility for finding another place for him to live. Stand behind her and support her with all your might she is going to need it and is so close biologically to the monster she will feel very guilty about what needs to be done. Go with her to see the social worker at the facility where he is and tell them she is no longer able to care for him and describe in detail his perverted attitude and he has to be permanently barred from Mom's home. He is a danger to her little grandchildren. What will happen is that his care will be taken over by the State and you mom will have absolutely no control over his future treatment. His assets will be seized, if any to provide for his care. be prepared for a lot of bullying from the social workers, nurses and drs but they can;t just "send' him home he probably needs to be in a psychiatric facility. your Mom is too close to this to do it alone so really needs your help so are you prepared to "put your money where your mouth is" if I remember it is your little ones your mother watches so think of it as protecting their innocence as well as helping your Mom. please come back and let us know how things go

He is 93, a pervert who leers and flirts at me, (granddaughter) is making my mother insane, angry, and physically sick, he only complains of everything he is asked to do for his own safety and health, has absolutely no wish to use even basic hygiene. And he has been in our house for five years now. He is in nursing care, getting "better", so mom can have him come back here...again...He can't die soon enough for me...I have run out of the moral compunction to even feel bad wishing someone would die...What else is there? He will grow up, go off to college, meet someone, start a new life?... No, it is the end, the drawn out, medicalized, useless, painful, aggravating, wasting of the flesh and mind End of life stage, that is increased yearly by Western Medicine and it's absolute terror of the NATURAL PROCESS OF DYING! You know, being alive may very well be better than being dead, but at some point.... That stops being true on EVERY LEVEL!
Concept: "A fate worse than death..." Yes, this does exist...In spades!

Jay, mom may have dementia, but she for sure has depression and/or grief, that can either look like dementia or make dementia worse. Did they have a grief group or anything for her after Dad passed on? Lovely senior housing is a good thing, but hey, she lost her sweetie and her home, and those are big losses to adjust to. It's sure a good thing she has you to encourage and cheer her on! It may be that some medication and/ort a good support group could help. Maybe see if you can get a psychology eval for her.

I Know how hard this is my Mom has dementia too! She was having some difficulty before my Father passed away. Not even two weeks after his death she had a heart attack. WE could not leave her alone, she was NOT eating and was just so sad and lonely. She is now living in a lovely senior housing complex. It is independent senior living, they receive one meal a day in the dining room and weekly housekeeping. My concern is that she wants to sleep all the time! I honestly believe she would not get up if I did not encourage her. She has days when she is up and seems to do fairly well then we have days when she wants to just stay in bed. Does anyone know if this is part of the dementia??? I am somewhat at wit's end. I DO NOT want to put her in a nursing home however I am just not sure what else to do... Please let me know if you have experienced this with your loved one... thank you

Its something we all have or will go through when taking care of our parents with DEMENTIA. Don't feel bad and guilty. What I have done is tell myself over and over that the person inside that body is the one I love and care so much about, not this nasty , bitter, jealousy acting monster. Sorry to say but yes they become a monster that's out of control and they don't care. I ask myself what will happen when he does pass and im not upset.. then will I be thought of as a non caring monster after all the time of good care, love stress etc that I had invested in trying to help a loved one. Any one caregiving for parents or whom ever with DEMENTIA will truly understand. I feel for you in my heart because the feelings of wonting them to die come daily the closer to the edge they get.

Ccgiver, I am so sorry, I know it's a serious issue, but I'm LMAO! I can't help myself... I know it was an older lady and she probably wasn't thrilled, but had he done that to me I would have bent over, wiggled my ass and said 'Why don't you KISS my big, fat, horse's a**, sweetheart' and I would have smiled at him and laughed about it. I know he's not very PC, but I found the way you described that scenario hilarious.

....at the same time remembering how I'd cringe when my mom called one of the aides 'fat' all the time...

I think some elderly don't really know what they're saying, but others sure do. I think some of them have a good time with it. Now, being old, they can get away with telling the whole damn world it's one big, fat horse's ass and everyone in it, too.

I have been my mothers husbands caregiver now for two years. He has had a problem with his heart at first about 5 or 6 years ago he got a pace maker which helped so much. But in the mean time he developed Dementia and has really gone down over the past two years. Its hard to handle this person that looks like the person you know and love, because they turn so mean and say things to hurt your feelings as much as they can. They become nasty creatures as well, wont shower or clean themselves and wont let any one else do it either. He eats like a slob and laughs about being a slob. talks nasty to people he doesnt even know. we where at post office the other day and I ran in to check mail, gone no more then 2 min but could see him through window. He put his window down and called this older woman getting out of her car "A HORSES A**' she was not very happy with him at all. I ran out to see what he had done to her and before I could say any thing to her he called her a "FAT A**' boy that really put the icing on the cake. I didn't know weather I should talk to her and smooth things over or get him out of there before he had a chance to say any thing else.. He is something else. I cant allow any one to come to house because of this problem. I feel like sometimes he does these things to cause a problem. I'm at my wits end with his words and his mean ways, he is now in the advanced, final stages of this dementia what can I do? I feel like i'm loosing it. And on top of all my mothers doctor has just ordered test for her, he thinks she has DEMENTIA . This is a bad bad crazy sickness that I have ever seen.

God forgive me, but anymore I am praying for it! She needs to be out of her misery and I need to I am sure get mental help for the rest of my life!