My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I highly recommend Hospice to help with the medical evaluation, advice and to give you much--needed support. I admire and am very grateful for their wisdom and support. Their visiting nurses took care of the day-to-day physical evaluations and they had quick access to the medical staff when needed. I did not have to struggle with trying to evaluate current medical needs and trying to get access to doctors, prescriptions, etc. The Hospice staff had immediate access to physicians and arrived with any medications prescribed. They were there (literally) when my father died six weeks after my mother did. They knew I was grieving, dealing with my siblings and with all the details involved with being the person with the legal standing, and having a sense of relief at the same time and helped me deal with it all.
I know you will handle what needs to be done and look back with comfort that you did what was needed with love and devotion, and that your emotions (whatever they were and are ) are justified, normal and not to be regretted.
I don't know the current situation with Medicare payment for Hospice services, but whatever it costs, get it.
My mother has several things that would have been lethal to people 100 years ago. She has very high blood pressure, insulin-dependent diabetes, and severe spinal stenosis with arthritis along the length of her spine. She walks bent almost in two, even with her walker. The diseases and pain are helped by daily medication. But sometimes I wonder if we're just keeping the body going when no one is at home anymore.
Another thing with my mother is she clings desperately to life even though she is in misery. I don't understand the will to keep going when life becomes so difficult. She monitors her vitals and wants to go to the doctor immediately if something is off. That tendency is getting less now, so I'm wondering if she finally letting go. I wish that it didn't have to be this hard. I wish we could go back to the day when serious stroke or heart attack would take someone and not leave a remnant of the person who used to occupy the body.
erin - anticipatory grieving which is normal. It helps us prepare for what is to come. It is so hard watching them reduced to a shell of their former selves.
I creep quietly to his doorway, so as not to wake him up, and when I find him sleeping, I look to his chest to see if it is still rising and falling. It's a creepy feeling knowing that one day we will find he has passed away. I thought it had happened one time, as his teeth were askew in his mouth and he is so terribly pale, but then he stirred and that was that, he's still in the land of the living.
Last night before sleeping, we gave him Guiafinasin to help with the thick secretions, and he has nightmares in the night, it was awful, so another restless night for all of us, and we now know not to do that again, or at least we think that was the cause of it! We may try daytime dosing.
I do know that as the time goes on, and his body shuts down, that he could get visual and auditory hallucinations, and if they are anything like last night, I hope that never happens again!
Waiting for death is such a strange place to be in. It never crossed my mind that we would ever be doing this.
He lived with us for many years before placing him in AL, which only lasted 9 weeks total before he became very ill, hospitalized and the Advanced Lung Cancer was found, now back with us on Hospice Care.
I always thought that his death would be a more natural thing, and that we would just find him gone one morning, but I never dwelled on it. Now I'm dwelling on it all the time, knowing that it is imminent, or more probable within weeks. It's a very weird place to be.
So Yes, I am hoping for it, to put us all out of misery. And I feel like crap about it!
I feel bad each time I clean her room I mentally rearrange the furniture for when she is gone. Now how awful is that???!!! I mean for crying out loud. What kind of daughter does that?
Mom has taken over my dining room because she can't do the stairs. I have a breakfast area but I miss my dining room. Just saying that sounds awful! I mean when mom took care of her mom they put on an addition with my uncles money. She also had two other sisters to help. It's just me with my husband and daughter. Well, there I said it all. Thanks for listening. I've erased this several times but I'm not going to this time.
There are stages of COPD. Is she in the last stages yet? Is she on constant oxygen? Death may come faster than you think.
Maybe the hospital will suggest you put your mom in an aging care facility.
The IL/AL you have found sounds lovely, and you say it is affordable too! Change is always scary, but I know that is exactly what I have planned for my own future. My opinion is that most people wait too long to make the change, it is so much better to make the transition when you are young enough and well enough to participate in the process and still independent enough continue to participate in what you enjoy from your former life.
I left her alone today and went out to enjoy some time eating and visiting. Social contact always helps me to feel better. I was never meant to whither away in a fort.
When she got it open she took her finger and wiped the detergent and licked it off. At that point I grabbed it out of her hand. I told her it was detergent. Then without missing a beat she went into the cabinet , took out the marsala cooking wine struggled with the scissors to open the top, wouldn't let me take it away. She got it open and began swigging it from the bottle! My mother doesn't drink ! I tried to get the bottle away from her because she was going to become unsteady and fall. She wouldn't listen to reason. I just held the bottle and stopped her from putting it to her lips. My father came into the room and he took the bottle from her, looking completely puzzled. He has short term memory impairment and won't remember the incident.
That said, my feelings are overwhelming. The situation is haunting, harrowing and horrifying. Will I become like her???? Will my children have to go through this scenario with me
( Heavens no. I will tell them to put me away) .
I understand her Parkinson's and her aortic stenosis. But not this behavior ( unless this is Lewy Body dementia). I can care for any other person's parents easily, but not my own. I never understood how the personal component could affect me. I walk with visions of her behavior every day. It seeps into everything I do because it is so unbelievable and I never thought it would happen. I think we should all switch who we are caring for so I can care for your parent and you can care for mine! At least we can stand farther from the fear and horror of this being us in however many years. We could divorce ourselves from the personal nature of the person we are dealing with. It would be much less painful because we wouldn't have to remember better days ( for those of us who had them).
I, personally, am more curious as to what your impressions are regarding the subsequent posts which point out that nobody can assume just because someone gave birth to you doesn't make them an all loving mother. Some parent-child "relationships" are devoid of an atmosphere where children can have a heart-to-heart with their parent.
Thus, I wouldn't assume that the original poster was self-centered any more than posts of others that set forth just how screwed up parent-child relationships can be through no fault of the child. As a smoker myself, I can sure as hell say that my bad choice is no one's fault but my own.
Generally critical/broad stroke conclusions are what I might expect from someone who has their own unresolved issues.
While my mother wasn't abusive...she was indifferent. And it's that indifference that instilled my own sense of indifference. My mom's quality of life was not mine to control. Her identity revolved around whichever man she was in a relationship with. Now that she's older, alone and in total failing health...There's nothing I CAN do to undo her life choices. No amount of insight, forgiveness or understanding, undoes "you reap what you sow".
Fact is, my mom is miserable, adrift and disengaged...Nothing I can do will give her a new lease on life...Why would I hope she lives a longer life? Is that a nobler or rather a just outcome? Either way, I have no control over that either - but I can hope.