My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
Then it is remotely possible that relations with your husband might improve; or at least you would be able to work out a different equation for looking after him as he is probably feeling very sorry for himself right now and resenting any attention you give to your mother.
I don't know exactly what kind of care your daughter needs, because I don't know what a TBI is, but if the two of you were free of your mother's presence, you might be able to work out a schedule for spending time with her dad, your husband that would relieve you of looking after him for a bit.
The grocery and other chores are sadly often seen as part of being a mum, but do get in paid help with housework and looking after the yard.
Please find a good friend or work colleague, sit down with her over coffee and try out on her all and any tips you are picking up from this thread, and get some action going. At least get a plan. Even if there is no residential care option available to your just now for your mother, at least get paid help or a local communitiy social worker to stay with her for one day a week, so that you have more time to rest and relax;
Good luck. For me, full time residential care was the answer for my feisty friend with Alzheimer's. Gave me my life back.
Let's hope they find a cure soon.
Since the government pays for most nursing home patients, you would think it would be of utmost importance to keep all of us baby boomers in our right minds!
My sister and I talked many times about how much easier it would be if Mom would just pass away, but I continued to make sure she was cared for. At first I felt like I would go to hell, so to speak if I verbalized what I was feeling and thinking, but my sister is a safe place to express my feelings in the moment.
Now, Mom is wheelchair bound, and has had "hundreds" of mini strokes. It's been a year now since she quit smoking, but it's too late. The damage is done.
Mom has alzheimer's, and her cognitive thinking isn't really there anymore. She says very little and struggles to find the words when she wants to say something. I'm thankful she isn't the way she used to be.
My therapy to get through the difficult times is my blog. I blog daily. It's to keep my siblings up to date on my parents, and it's a place to leave my thoughts when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
You have been walked all over. Heavens! - I notice that you just gloss over that you were left to be raised by your grandparents, your mother waltzed back in twenty years ago and finally condescended to get involved... Like that's not even an issue? What, busy, was she? But if you're letting it pass, I'll let it pass. I expect there were good explanations at the time.
And where was the support when you got hit by that triple whammy? Still, it's a great credit to you that regardless you have picked yourself up, found a new job and what sounds like a very nice partner. You're doing better than a lot of people who don't have any family responsibilities, you know. It's hugely impressive.
Two questions:
1. What are you waiting for? Your grandparents can be cared for perfectly well by other people; plus moving out is not the same as saying "I don't love or care about you any more." There is nothing to stop you moving home and at the same time developing a new, different relationship with these people whose status in your life you fully recognise. Go ahead!
2. How do you feel about being someone who wishes the people she looks after would die? You describe your situation so openly and in such a practical way that I'm sure you'd never let these feelings affect how you treat them; that's not what bothers me, you clearly have a good strong grip on it. It's that I can't believe this is how you want to remember your relationship with grandparents you love. Get yourself out from under, and it may be possible to recover some of how things used to be.
If your grandparents have so much money that your mother is hoping to inherit some, then maybe they should be in assisting living or long term care. Does anyone have durable and medical POA for each of them?
Last year I lost my job, watched my dog pass away and my grandfather got into a car accident after sneaking out the house to take a drive in his car on a rainy night. I didn't even flinch when I got the call. I was angry he survived. Since then, I've had to drive everywhere for groceries, weekly fast food and whatever crap my grandmother sees on sale. Things changed when I started working again. My mom and I split the grocery shopping, usually doing grocery pickup. Also, I put my foot down and asked that my grandfather stay at home, because having him wander off like a toddler while pushing a heavy basket was too much.
I honestly do not want anything when they pass, just my freedom. I'm grateful for what they've done for me, but I have to live my life. Some of our relatives are planning my grandfather's 90th bday in a few months, but I'm secretly hoping we won't get that far. I would rather have my grandmother go first though, as she's nerve-wracking, selfish and will lie on us if she doesn't get her way. She's constantly yelling for me to turn off her oxygen (she's had blood clots and has shortness of breath) and for other BS. I'm also tired of being embarassed of all the clutter in the house and not having much help to get rid of it. My grandfather was hospitalized a few weeks ago with strep and pnuemonia, once again I hoped he wouldn't come home. There's a PT coming in to help with his balance, and I hope it turns into some permanent home health care for both of them.
I've been able to maintain a bit of a social life, as I can go out when they sleep. Somehow, I have a boyfriend of 3 years who has been so patient, as he was taking care of his grandmother until her passing last month. I feel guilty because he willingly did everything for her and would do it all again, so I don't tell him my frustrations anymore. We have discussed moving in together. He's concerned my grandparents will be upset, but I have to do what's best for me. They have sucked the life out of me, and I would like to function as a normal adult for once in my life. I take anxiety and depression meds and have a therapist, who has said years ago that I started grieving early, hence my anger, frustration and sadness with everything. I think I am just finally coming to terms with it.
Death is a natural progression of life; it waits for no one.
I am a firm believer in letting nature take its course. I believe this is consistent with my religious beliefs as well.
My fil is a very selfish man he’s 93 and in better health than me or my husband combined.
He made a few poor choices the last 2 years, one leaving the hospital against doctors ordered, thus making the medical staff question his mental state. Doctors suggested he be tested for his driving plus a few other issues. Needless to say he failed his test miserably. Since his wife died five years ago we have done most of his paperwork, I did cook for him for 4 and a half years till he got mad at me and told me to to get out of his house. Which I haven’t been back since. Like your parent, he complains about anything and everything. I told my husband that he should be complaining about himself. He doesn’t like anything or anyone either.
I decided I can’t deal with toxic people anymore. I don’t do a thing for him anymore.
My husband do that much like he used to
Have u thought about assisted living that can give you some peace. You need to step back from this chaos to regain some peace. The one thing I learned from all of this is I will not rely on my kids. My husband and I are going in a home in about 5 years. We both have diseases for which there is no cure.
I pray that this passage in your life changes. We all deserve peace. God bless
It seems a good answer but I feel wicked.
Do I wish her dead? Let's put it this way, I wish she could have her mind back. I wish that she didn't need a walker AND a caregiver to walk from the chair to the bathroom. I wish she could sleep all night and be awake all day. I wish she knew who I was.
She has no quality of life. And, without quality, what good is quantity?
I wish her a new beginning in Heaven.