My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I'll be glad when she's gone. She's never done anything for any of her own children. Just abandoned us to mean drunken abusive father's. She's always been a worthless selfish person.
I will be glad when she's gone and I have no guilt for it.
People who have never given love or respect can't expect to get love and respect from their grown children. That boat sailed long ago.
My grandmother was supposed to go to a rehab too, but the place is is voluntary so when the nurse who stops by asked her, she said no she didn't want to go and that was that. Right now we have gracious relatives/neighbors who come over for some hours and help, but eventually things are gonna get really real and they're going to stop saying "You don't have to pay me to do this." Which I totally understand.
I'm one of the medical POAs for my grandfather. Those papers had to be signed last week as his current hospital wouldn't let any medical records be released without it. It's just...a lot to try to understand in addition to all that is going on.
With help from other relatives, my grandfather got regular meals again. However, he completely stopped sleeping at night which would result in things like destroying our basement one night, or flipping furniture. I also have not gotten any sleep because I would constantly have to wake up to show him where the bathroom is, etc. In the span of 2 months, he has had 3 falls, breaking his ribs, busting his head and needing stitches and this last time getting strange rug burns all over his face and head.
My mother had to have surgery and had no help so I had to take off of work to take her, care for her then drive across town to check on my grandparents. After just one day I broke down crying, I was exhuasted and have been for months. She felt bad (as I think she should, but that's another story) and her siblings came to town for the 4th of July holiday which helped some. My mom is better now but still has some pain. However she's still on leave from work which has helped a lot in the last few weeks.
My mother has stayed over here some with me and my grandparents. She took my grandfather to an appt for an MRI which turned into an ER visit for his arm (he hurt it in that last fall). The ER visit turned into a week long hospital stay for pnuemonia, dementia and Lord knows what else (I can't keep up, nor do I want to). He was agitated and fought nurses and had to get restrained. They gave him meds that caused him to shake and stop speaking.
Meanwhile, my grandmother also got worse. She stopped eating altogether and showed signs of depression. My mother took her to her doc and she was admitted, mainly for malnutrition (she was only 100 pounds). Ironically, both grandparents were on the same floor just a few rooms down from each other. That week was sent from God, as I got the house to myself, got to clean/straighten/throw things away and got some much needed sleep.
My grandfather was sent to a rehab facility who did not do anything. Last weekend I was out with friends for a break only for my mom to call in a panic because he was sent to a hospital super far out because they said he was agitated. He was transported back to the rehab, where he did not sleep at all, told old war stories and was still agitated. My mother decided to get him transported to another hospital in the middle of the city, as they have geriatric care specialities. He was transported to this other hospital at 4am that night/morning, and is still there. I've only visited once just to say I've been. Luckily he was sleeping when I got there. Apparently in every place he goes, he calls the nurses by my name. Family thinks it's sweet, I think it's annoying. He's not going back to that rehab place and his things have been collected. My mom and aunt found another rehab which he will go to whenever he's released.
My grandmother lied and said she was fine just to get released to come home. She didn't even try to walk, just dramatically fell on the porch for all to see and my mom and I had to carry her inside. She's been insufferable and hasn't really wanted to try to get up to go to the bathroom, sit in the living area, etc., unless someone else does it. I don't have that special touch, nor do I want it. We have a neighbor who has been an angel and is here almost every day to help her bathe, eat, etc. Her antidepressants were changed and her appetite is back, so is her nagging.
I pray every day that God will take both of them away because I am over it all and grieved several years ago. I was done with my grandmother a couple years back when she told an awful lie involving me, and I was done with my grandfather when he tried to attack me a week or so before his hospital stay. I know they're not the same people, and I just pray every day and every night that God can take them and us out of this misery
The following day, I installed a interior lock at the top of the door and that stopped that nonsense. There were a few times he slipped out of the recliner and we found him crawling around on the floor when we got up and had to call the Fire Men to pick him up.
Then it happened, he was sitting in his recliner and he started screaming, clutching his lower back. I called EMS and got him to hospital and it was a bad UTI. He was later transferred to a Nursing facility and passed away in his sleep 2 weeks later wearing his WW2 Naval hat. Do I miss my Dad, Yes. Did I cry at his funeral, No. The day he looked at me, 2 years prior and asked me Who I was, was the day he died. I don't miss the disease, its like a Cancer of the Brain, it eats away the memory until you become a Zombie, more dead than alive. Dementia and Alzheimer's are worse than HIV or Cancer, at least your loved ones can make their peace with loved ones and with Jesus.
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We don't really hope for anyone's demise, it's just our brain's way of giving us the break that we need.
I think it's a biological response. A mental or emotional vacation, when unable to take the endlessly recommended "respite". ☯️
Taken at face value granny may have just found it too much to prepare something for him when he just turns up his nose at it. Maybe she has just had enough and feels he can just get on with it. Does she cook a full healthy meal or does she just grab and snack.
Perhaps grandpa is entering the last stages of his life and this is just part of the natural progression of the circle of life.
Do either of them see a Dr regularly.
There is probably some depression going on here too.
Granny may indeed not be feeling very well and certainly wants others to recognize that. She probably isn't eating very healthily either. Is Dad the one that gets all the attention?
Complex situation but not really unusual. it could be possible payback time for the possible child his ex had but more likely a lifetime of hurts and slights and she jsut does not want to deal with him anymore.
All I think the family can do is bring meals you know he would like and make sure he eats them while you are there and for the time being monitor the situation.
Have you ever heard the phrase, "A man can work from sun to sun but a woman's work is never done!" ?
I'm afraid the household duties last until you don't. Thankfully, for those of us who work AND keep house, we can retire from work. The dust, however, will still be waiting.
He had to have emergency eye surgery recently after a doc appointment. He's fine but had several bottles of drops that have to be given daily. My granny does it mainly except for nighttime as she goes to bed early, so I sometimes have to do the last couple bottles. I've noticed he's got his days and nights mixed up now which happens because he sleeps so much. I often have to remind him he doesn't need to go get the paper at 9pm. I've started writing down these occurences.
It also seems like everyone seeing my grandfather recently has made folks realize that he will not be here forever. Partly because of age, but also because he is wasting away. He was never heavyset, but he had a nice weight on him and now he doesn't. Turns out, my grandmother has pretty much stopped cooking...for him. She will fix herself food and snacks, but doesn't care to do much more than that. He is used to breakfast/coffee and a home cooked meal, and is very picky about anything that isn't a meaty meal. She now wakes up 11am or later as if to skip breakfast. My mom and her siblings are frustrated because they believe she is intentionally starving him out, due to a situation many many decades ago with my grandfather's ex-wife claiming a kid was his (it wasn't.) which happened early in their marriage. My grandmother is still bitter about it, and may have this mentality of "He did me wrong and everyone takes up for him, so he can starve to death for all I care."
I can't be here all the time so I don't always know what goes on until someone else tells me. Family brought over food for them over the weekend which my granny helped herself to. Yesterday when I asked, she told me he had eaten, also told my aunt that I fixed him a plate...I didn't. My grandfather confirmed what I already knew, but didn't want to eat when I offered to make a plate. Granny will try to spin it by mentioning how much he sleeps and making it seem like he's just not eating. She also tries to act forgetful about when he's eaten and quickly plays victim about how tired she is then starts saying she doesn't feel well, which she really started hamming up more starting on his 90th bday when everyone would ask how she was.
So now we have to make sure he eats since she doesn't. Just this afternoon my mom called the house to check on them and my granny played victim again. So she asked if I could bring my grandfather something, so I did. Didn't get my granny anything since she told us she's been snacking all day and "He never snacked like I do." I just said, that doesn't mean he shouldn't eat and went on about my business. I tried to do Meals on Wheels for them, but wouldn't you know the people told me that they don't deliver in our area?? We're in a suburb in a large metropolitan city, ridiculous. So I've been trying to find other alternatives. We buy them microwave meals as well, but my grandfather can be picky.
My sanity levels are better than they were. I'm sure that's due to me doing a huge purging of things in my room and creating a more tidy, organized and zen space. I take time to meditate, pray, etc. I also highly recommend a Himalayan salt lamp around the home or in your personal space if you don't have. I got one and have been sleeping better ever since.