My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
Do what I do, Kill'em with kindness.
I completely understand what you are feeling. My mom will be 96 in 2 months and is in stage 6 Alzheimer's. She has had a headache daily for the last 7 years, about as long as she's had the dementia. She has been checked by multiple doctors with no reason for her pain.
She is in great health other than that but is not aware of most of her life except that her head hurts.
I will be sad but greatful when her suffering is over.
I have to wonder if there's a reason that our very old and infirm loved ones continue on...maybe not for them, but for us (although I can't figure out why now-maybe I'll see it after she's gone.)
As I close the care taking chapters of my life I'm reading these posts about people considering sharing space, becoming care givers with parents. I shudder at the nightmare ahead. I chose that option and it ruined my life. I left my own housing, and a job and the city I loved to move back home at the request of my mother to come "home and help" My dad was terminal and she was all alone so she reported.
It is a mistake to be in a vulnerable position in someone else's home when you don't have a job. Especially when that person has a history of pitting siblings against siblings and lying in a believable way. The woman called mother, that was a covert narcissist with extraordinary skill of creating hell in her victims lives, played on my compassion.
My career did not recover from quitting and going "home" and it wasn't "home" it was an emotionally abusive, dysfunctional hell. Long story short by the time my mother was done triangulating the siblings I ended up in a homeless shelter myself, unemployed and broken financially and emotionally.
Yes, I hoped she would die, not out of spite but to have the strings that tied me to the worst 10 years of my life cut. She did pass, I long thought she would outlive me because of the trauma impacts on my body of having to deal with her.
The day comes when it ends. Friends all told me I seemed freer and lighter and changed for the better as if a dark cloud was lifted off me within weeks of my mother's death
Her lingering presence although she could no longer lie and cause direct harm still impacted me and the rest of the shattered, scattered and broken family. (that was her doing)
The things you mourn when your caregiving was to a narcissist, the matriarch of dysfunction, are the fact you always were an orphan. Orphaned at birth, orphaned selectively in endless betrayals, orphaned by the Alzheimer's and in the end, when they leave, its only relief. The fight for sanity is a battle I don't have to fight anymore. There is only relief in that.
He's still hospitalized, can talk but most of the time it's nonsense and him bringing up one of his siblings that's passed decades ago. He's been moved around a couple times, has had to have mitts put on so he won't pull off his gown or pull out his feeding tube. They're waiting for him to be placed in a rehab facility now. I hear he could be moved to one in a few days. Basically a wash/rinse/repeat situation, which shows me that everyone else seems to be in denial about the situation. But, I'm not POA so really it's not my problem. I just have to trust that my mother will do what's best.
Meanwhile I'm finally moving out of my grands' house next month into my first place! I've gotten nothing but grief and guilt trips from my mom and grandmother about it. Mom picks fights with me a lot over nothing. My grandmother is saying it's a bad time because my grandad "will really need you when he gets home." And also she says she needs help, but she's been getting around pretty well lately. Something tells me she's gonna start hamming it up soon, but I'll be ready. I have to do what's best for me. I put in my time, blood, sweat and tears basically for the last 10 years since graduating college. It's way past time.
People in need will lay the guilt trip on those around them. Good for you that you see it and aren't going to take the bait.
You have done your share in the past and, if your granddad is that bad, your mom or grandma need to realize that his care level is beyond what the whole family can give. It's a hard lesson for them but they need to realize you can't force the "willing" family members to do all the work and sacrifice their lives (for possibly many more years). Will they be there for you when he finally passes and you have spent so much time on him that your career has suffered to the point of not being hirable? Don't think so.
It's called tough love. Good luck in your future endeavors.
So what I prefer to do is to envision my mother's family coming to take her home with them. Like most people with Alzheimer's my mom fixates on the past and not on her present, so often she doesn't know who I am, or takes me for someone else and I just go along with that. But when I pray, I see a large family gathering that has everyone we grew up with that has passed on, and they are waiting for my mom to join them. And I tell her, it's okay to go with them. That one day we will all be together but it's okay for her to go first. I think one day she'll listen to me and feel secure that her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren will be alright and be able to let go. She would never choose to live how she is living now, and she's actually in a very nice establishment. But it is not the life she would have
wanted for herself.
I hang out n the dysfun fam thread. We share your pain of game-playing parent(s). ((((((hugs))))))
I'm not sure what to say about your current issue. An offer made and then withdrawn... I can see how it would grate, particularly when the rest of the family's main problem is whether to go on the Caribbean cruise or the trip to Hawaii. I'm so sorry they're being kept awake like this, it must be a constant worry for them.🙄
But from your mother's point of view, I wouldn't be so quick to blame her. The gift would, inevitably, come to light (and why not, it's her money isn't it?) and she'd never hear the end of it, by the sound of things. It's not so much afraid of the children as dreading the fallout and their going on an on about it and lecturing her. Which they would, I suspect, don't you?
If she were the sort of woman who could tell them to mind their own business, if she wants to get this necessary item for her own daughter who are they to say her nay, it would be a bit different. But then if she were that sort of woman, she wouldn't be so dependent on her children's attention and approval, would she.
Do you mind my asking what the item is? Will you have any other means of getting hold of it?
I am barely making it by myself. The focus of my siblings is the care of my parents, particularly my mother. The woman is not well, but she has had more fancy vacations, trips, telephone calls and is a constant focus of attention of care and concern.
She offered to buy me a gift which is something I need and it is rather expensive. I told her that was very generous of her and I began to research prices, practically, etc.
When I told her I was just about ready to make the purchase, she expressed her concern that my siblings - who do a lot of nice things for her - would be mad at her if she bought an expensive gift for me.
All these people have so much more than I do. I am barely getting by. I did nothing t ask for this item. She offered it to me.
i just listened to a litany of my mother’s plans of what type of thrips she wishes to take in the future and that she is afraid if she buys me the gift she offered me my other siblings will not be so generous with her - because she shared some of what they gave her with me.
I never asked her for it. She offered. I have done a lot of research and was looking forward to receiving this important item. Now she is complaining that she is afraid to give me the money for it.
Afraid if her own children?’
I tell you this family is so disfunctional and she is the architect of it. I have a very strong feeling that few tears will be shed when she passes away.
It is just mean to say “I want to get you this”, then say - well maybe I shouldn’t.
She is also very generous with my nieces and nephews and her sister, my aunt. My siblings never say a word about it. Why she tortures me in this fashion I have no idea.
All I can say is it makes me feel very unloved and unappreciated.
When there is no love lost, there is really no loss when the person dies. The loss happened a long time ago.
Put a respectable and respectful distance between you and her.. recreate , restore and further fortify your relationship boundaries , and then get/give some time for yourself to heal from the wounds of a rough time..... best regards..
I think if things are that bad, it's time to get a buffer. It could be a carer, respite care, or a home. You shouldn't have to put your entire life on hold to be abused.
Or call the doc and say this person is miserable and tell them why. Maybe they need anti anxiety meds or a depression med? Not that a pill fixes everything, but it might help.
i have now a wonderful group of people from hospice and I’m thankful just want it over
You are entitled to your thoughts-thank God no one can take 'those' away. I don't want to get old and grumpy. No one wants to be around cranky seniors.
You could remind your dad of the old saying, "You catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar."
I, too, daydream what retirement will be like and also our freedom after mom 'meets God'. (she'll be 96 in January). At this point, she's no trouble (she's in a memory care center-stage 6 Alzheimer's) but in stages 4 and 5 , I thought I'd loose my mind. 😱 What a pistol!
I think daydreaming is a healthy escape that empowers us to cope with the difficulties until our dreams come true.
Disclaimer (for those that need one),
I, in no way, am implying that we don't love our parents. It's just been a long, hard road and we're looking for the Margarita and beach chair at the end of the tunnel.
🌊🏄🏻🌞🌴👵🏼👴🏼🍸🍾🍸🌴
Keep the dreams flowing. 😊
The two questions are basically the same but the last puts it in a different perspective. If they weren't suffering with broken body or mind (or both), we wouldn't be wishing for their horrible existence to end.
So no one should feel badly to see someone's suffering end.
Just my 2 pesos.
My father too is one of the most miserable human beings on the planet. Nothing makes him happy, nothing is ever good enough, he says he wants one thing-like to leave him alone-and when you give him that he complains you don't care. It's impossible and completely infuriating.
Yes, I wish my father would die, to end his suffering and this horrible lack of quality life he is now enduring. I guess I would be pretty unhappy if I were in his shoes too. Only thing is Dad has been this horrible all my life, the dementia just makes it worse.
Sometimes I wonder why I even got involved, why I bothered to move in and help him out. The truth is had I not he would already be dead. He was severely dehydrated, had lost a lot of weight, wasn't eating, but was still drinking alcohol. I stopped buying the booze, starting feeding him 3 wholesome meals a day, got him med compliant, and got him to the hospital when he fell and fractured his pelvis and got a spinal compression fracture. Had I not been here he never would have made it this far. Silly me.
So yes, I too wish my Dad would die and end this horrible mess and suffering for both of us. I'm in the process of getting him into a care facility. My nephew says that will be the death of him, because he's lived in his home for 60yrs and wants to die here. I said that would be a blessing!!
Good luck with your journey!