My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
When my dad died, i was so mixed with relief and guilt and sadness. It would be a lie to say that dealing with one sick parent is now easier that one parent is gone. Sometimes I also wonder "if one parent was going to die, it should be my mom first."
The point is, your mom will die. We all will. Wishing death on someone (without an evil intent) is normal. There are worse things than death. No one can deny death usually brings an unsettling peace to many caregivers.
What you can do to change your thinking pattern is to wish her a good death. With all this stuff she has wrong, wish her a peaceful, swift, and painless death. Wish her to be out of pain and despair. Wish that she find peace, clarity, and happiness in the next life.
You should not hope that someone dies. Then you will have that guilt inside of you. Trust me I know. I one wished my High School teacher dies beacuse he was so mean. The next day he died. He died getting shot at right in front of the school.So you see you should not hope someone dies.
We want the suffering to end. In my case, my mom is so tired of being here.
She has many good reasons to want to leave this world.
She has struggled with Parkinson’s disease for a long time.
She’s bed bound in hospice now.
She misses my dad terribly.
She sees a child who is a great comfort to her. She dreams of her but says she has seen her while she is awake too.
It’s fascinating. This child is about five years old and has told my mom that she will be with her until the end and will keep her safe from harm.
Through it all, mom smiles at her caregivers and the nurses. She is very tired though. She’s 95 and indeed ready to leave this world.
I am anticipating it, doing my very best to prepare but I have a feeling that I will feel relief and grief equally. I don’t know exactly what to expect really. I just hope that I can hold it together.
I am relieved that my mom made her burial arrangements.
I didn’t do so well with making my brother’s arrangements or going with my mom to make daddy’s funeral arrangements.
Has life with mom been perfect? No, absolutely not. It doesn’t matter.
We all have good and bad memories in life.
I prefer overall not to give too much credence to the painful periods and I take comfort in happier times.
Hey, it took quite awhile for me to learn those lessons in therapy! I am not about to discard what I have learned.
Fast forward to my adulthood. In my late 30s and early 40s (while raising 3 boys of my own and working full time) my mother developed early onset Alzheimers. Dad did his best to care for her but ultimately the last 2 years fell on me. When it was over, I was so burned out there was little left of me. (another story for another time, but those of you who have cared for an Alzheimers patient understand, I'm sure). On top of that, the years of caring for her took a toll on my marriage. After she passed, I spent the next 2 years having to pull my marriage out of the toilet and that just further left me feeling burned out and like an emotional zombie.
During this time of burnout and emotional zombie-hood, my father started needing more and more care. I just didn't have much left to give. I gave lip service to his care--made sure he had groceries, took him to doctor's appointments, picked up prescriptions, and called once a day to check in. Those are all good, but he honestly needed more. He needed to be in ALF or in my home getting more daily attention. I knew that, and I chose to ignore that because I just didn't want to give one drop more. I prayed for the Lord to just take him. And I didn't pray from some altruistic desire for his suffering to end. I prayed because I didn't want to be the one taking care of him. I think I would have done better for him if I wasn't already burned out from the years of mom's care, but maybe that's an excuse.
Anyway, this week we placed Dad on hospice care and he has about a week left. I'm wracked with guilt realizing that this is exactly what I hoped for. I never wished ill for him and certainly never wished he would suffer, but I did wish he would go away and I would be released from the responsibility to care for him. I'm just still stuck in emotional zombie land with nothing to give anyone, including my own father. How he ended up on Hospice is another long story but he likely would not be dying if he had been receiving better/more engaged daily care and attention. I know that, and I'm ashamed for not doing more to see that he got that care. And I'm ashamed for wishing he would just go away so I wouldn't have to put energy into finding ways to get him that care.
Oh, this is so hard.
As to it being wrong to want someone to die? No, really, gently, it is not wrong imho. My parents lived to mid 90s, and were no longer comfortable at the end, were suffering. When they died, loving kind and marvelous that they had always been, what I felt for them was relief. I helped my bro in the last year of his life when he was, at 85, diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia. He was afraid for his future. He was the rock in my world, Hansel to my Gretel in every dark wood of my life. And I felt relief for him when he died before Lewy's could do its worst. I miss him. But he is with me in my heart.
You are witness to great suffering. You cannot even comfort yourself with knowing the person you are witness to had a wonderful life. You are desperate not to see it, and there isn't a question in my mind that if you had a magic want you would wave it and all the suffering would be gone from your Mom, from you, from all the world.
Be gentle on yourself. Your wishes for release for all involved is the opposite of evil. It is filled with grief and goodness. Know that there are many good people of faith (I myself am an atheist) here who have prayed to their gods to stop the suffering.
My dad passed away 2 months after they moved in with us (Parkinson's, with a fast and sad decline) and Mom still lives with us. The first several months were difficult because she was focused on their finances. She also has dementia and couldn't remember what was said, couldn't remember that she had a memory book that showed everything, couldn't remember that Daddy had died, worried if there was money to pay for his funeral and headstone, etc., and it was very trying. My brother and his wife had put their lives on hold for about 9 months before my Dad passed. They live a few hundred miles away but put a travel trailer on my parents' property and were here weekly. However, shortly after Daddy passed and things were "settled" I felt abandoned because everyone else's life went back to normal and I still felt I needed support to help with Mom.
My mom is a precious little lady now, sweet and tiny (97 pounds fully dressed) and we get along well. I call her my little baby doll and she is very appreciative of all the help we provide (bathing, dressing, basically all of her ADLs except for eating)....but I still am looking forward to a time when I am not responsible for her.
She is ready to go, and when she passes, I don't think I'll have any regrets. I used to feel bad, but she "exists" more than lives. She feels bad that she needs so much help, but like I said, she is very appreciative for everything we do. I know I'm blessed because she isn't demanding and mean like some the rest of you care for.
I think most of us feel guilty for wanting our loved one to die so we can get on with our lives, but as long as we are caring for them in a loving way while they are here, there isn't any reason to feel guilty.
You can probably find support to help you feel justified in feeling the way you and you would like to feel less guilty about these feelings.
Feelings are whatever they need to be. If you "deserve" to feel guilty, then accept that you may feel bad about yourself over this, but don't let it overwhelm you. If you acknowledge how you feel without trying to justify it, it will have less impact on your life.
Do I hear you saying that this thread should die?
It does seem to be a living topic for many.
Sometimes one comment will shut down a thread. Ridiculous! Just delete that one comment and allow others to post on the thread.
Someone else posted a heartless "I wish she was dead" post a couple of weeks ago, because the loved(?) one was interfering with the poster's plans for her dream wedding. There was no compassion for her boyfriend's mother's health, and it was instead all about her. That's wrong, because she never seemed to grasp that she was completely devoid of any empathy for an older person whose health and life was declining and they weren't doing it gracefully enough for the poster.
You are certainly allowed to wish your mother peace. It will come one day.
I too look forward to getting a call someday to put an end to her misery and give me some freedom from it.
I do not feel guilt thinking this and nor should you. Life is short and we have the right to enjoy ours.
We work full time, with vacations taken at home spent taking care of her, or burning sick time at work to take care of her. I ask myself this question, and being a Momma's boy, I'm racked with guilt, grief and tears when I wish she was no longer around in such pain and misery, and yes, in my way. However, she loves my brother and I and forgives everything we say or do, saying she would rather die at home with us caring for her, even though we sometimes take out our resentment of caring for her on her in words and deeds. She deserves so much better than we can give her, IMHO, which I've told her. And of course, our sister and other family members offer no help other than sending food, clothes, holiday goodies, and other stuff to her. Some never call to just check on her.
I don't think it's wrong to think and feel this, but it sure hurts like heck. I try and remember if I live long enough, I'll be in the same shape. But I wouldn't want to be here in that shape myself.
Good luck, my parents seemed superhuman to me as I look back at my 8 year old self...how cruel life seems to me now though.
And for you, my friend, you are doing more than enough for your mother. I hope you can see that and FEEL that, because I'm sure that SHE does. You are only human, and as such, doing your very best which IS good enough!
Wishing you all the best.
You will miss them but also be relieved.
I'm assuming you have already looked into placing your mother in a nursing home which would give you instant freedom from what you are going through. If I'm right then things will remain as they are, but you do have another option that will help a little. Have you inquired about home health care? Your doctor has to order it and if approved your mother would get weekly visitations from a nurse and both physical and occupational therapists, and possibly an aide that will bathe your mom. It's a little bit but it would at least give you some free time. There is one other possibility. If your mother has very little income she might qualify for Medicaide which would pay for her nursing home stay. Your mothers state that she resides in has to be one that has a Medicaide program that will pay for her NH stay.
Getting back to your question. My wife was extremely ill with so many health problems that made it difficult to help her. I was at her side daily. I too hoped her end would come so her suffering would stop, but I did it through God, and admittingly I did it for myself. I was worn out. I don't think I did anything wrong by asking God to end my wifes suffering. It was the only thing I could think of to help her.
My wife did pass away and I did feel guilt for what I had done. I went to my church and told the priest what I had done. It was a confession and God forgave me. But I have to tell you, I still have thoughts about praying for my wifes life to end. It will never end and I strongly believe I did the right thing.
May you find help in some way. Talk to God. Tell him your story. He'll be listening.
My mother is a 91 rotten to the bone woman. I have a childhood that no one would want a re-do on. I walked away a few months back and at one point I made the comment about wishing that she may find some peace in passing and people went NUTZ thinking that I would even think of her having peace! I still feel that way, even thou there is no love, no emotional attachment, nothing...but as a living breather person I would rather peace over anything, this world or the next.
I think its because my slate is clean, Im not who she labeled me as. Im not "just a blood clot that learned to walk and talk" as she says when she refer to me- her only child.
Thru having her as a mother, I will not wait to sit and rot. In my legal papers, I have already printed and dated a DNR form should something suddenly occur. Once I get a dx thats terminal or figure out for myself that the good days are really and truly gone, there will be away to leave here with dignity. I will find peace for me.
Forgive me for this Im just going on what you have written. If your Dad is very sick feeling miserable and is in pain I would say its that you dont want him to suffer anymore and wish he would pass away so he would be have peace. But to wish to pass away as he made your family miserable. This is my opinion, to me thats wrong. My Dad was 91 and he died last year. I wished him to die as he was very sick and was miserable. He wasnt a happy camper for years and caused us misery .
But what I would give to hear his voice and see him just one more time
My husband would never stick up for me in all the years his mother and step father would verbally abuse me. He would always insist that I was wrong and that she never said anything about me and I hated him for that.
I like to think of myself as a tough woman but it ended up destroying a lot of my self worth after 50 years of it.
If I had to deal with her like you are with your mother then I am sure I would wish she would die. It is the only way your suffering will be over.
I am sorry you have to endure her. Pattylou
and in pain, it would be a blessing for her to go peacefull.
Liked your no nonsense response above. I watched my mom suffer long beyond what she should have and my dad is lingering in memory care as I write.
Out, out brief candle.......Well said.