My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
To say we 'all' feel guilt is to assume .. no, is to try to pressure us to feel guilt. Not once have I felt an iota of guilt, remorse or regret at wishing for my mom's death. It was *her* wish, after all.
Don't presume on everyone's behalf. Some of us do not have the same belief system as you.
I hope she wont suffer too long with this and die peacefully and quickly I feel she will?? If when she dies I hope to God I will see it on her face a huge smile that finally my mums found happiness and peace!
Hugs to all, as this is tough and nobody would want this for anyone to go through I hate this disease and I hate what its doing to me and my family but most of all what its doing to her.
I was having something of a crisis of faith because I've been hoping, and even praying, that my MIL dies very, very soon. She was always an extremely bigoted, judgmental, and egocentric person. Her Alzheimer's has only worsened all the negative aspects of her personality and behavior.
Then a dear friend gave me a new perspective. He said it is not wrong to hope and pray for her death because Alzheimer's and dementia are the slow and agonizing destruction of one's personality, the slow dying of all the traits, good and bad, that make the person what he or she is (or was). He went on to say that wishing/praying for her physical death was in the same category as wishing or praying for the death of a cancer patient who is in great pain or wanting the death of an accident victim whose recovery would mean, at the very best, living a very poor quailtiy of life constantly in extreme pain.
Dementia made what was little left of her life miserable. She had all the negative traits that you all have referred to and I also asked God to take her, for her good and for mine. Let me just tell you that when the time comes no matter how it goes you will feel guilt for hoping for her to die. It seesaws between knowing it is the best but feeling guilty that I wished for it. Don't be afraid to surround yourself with close friends and family and express your feelings. Just having them reassure you makes you KNOW that the guilt is not justified. There are many people out there who are going through the same thing.
I hope my mom passes peacefully, in her sleep, very soon...for her sake, and mine. Neither one of us is living life...we're both just enduring it. She as a sick elderly patient with late stage Alz/dementia, me as her care taker. My mom's death is the only thing that will free us both.
I want my mom to start that brand new adventure that is death. I don't see death as some cold hole in the ground, or floating on clouds... I have a very different version of what happens after death, and in my mind, it's going to be a wild, joyful ride where the impossible becomes possible, and dragons in some distant galaxy are flying the skies and I get to meet them... Yeah, there are a whole lot of things worse than that..
But what of the spirit;where does all that life,vitality and energy go? Surely it just cant end? some say it does. Others believe there is something more.
This is a book im reading at the moment its very interesting im not overly religious but i do believe that there is something else after death something wonderful and this book confirms that.
The book is called "there are no goodbyes" will let you know what i think when ive finished it but right now Im finding it comforting to read and would like to believe that there is something else out there!
I am in such a sitaution. My mom & I have never gotten along. She was abusive during my childhood. Her health problems are largely the result of her poor choices (i.e. she loved to wear heels, but she was between 230 & 250 lbs and had numerous falls which have caused chronic back problems). She is diabetic but fails to monitor her blood sugar, exercise, or diet. I've been dealing with her poor health for 30 yrs. Now she refuses to go to any doctor. She is an controlling, critical, angry, & negative person that has no friends. When I act as a caregiver I feel as though I am being used & manipulated. My mom is a never ending bottomless pit of need & anger. She refuses to take any responsibility for her health or to see the health professionals that could treat her ailments. She doesn't want any in home help of any kind. She is willfully blind to the effects of her poor mental & physical health on her family (both my dad & I have our own health issues). She doesn't care about anyone but herself. I see no end to her increasing decay. The problem is that she is competent so I can not make any medical decisions for her against her will. There are times when I am overwhelmed & wish for her death. My hope is that I will become distanced from this day to day hell once I move out. Then her problems become more her own. Perhaps my resentment & anger towards her will decrease. I can not continue to let her dictate my life. However I worry about leaving my dad alone to deal with her. He deserves better as well.
I wish i could have some peace as im not coping with her and her negative world I wish her peace and if that means death then im prepared for that.
I deeply understand how you feel. Our Dad most of his life was a mean man, mostly verbally. I'm surprised us 5 kids survived the mental cruelty that I wouldn't even do to a dog let alone a human being especially a child growing up. Watching him beat or Mother so many times and us running out of the house. Then when we all grew up and our Mother passed away we were left with the decision. take care of him or not. For years we ALL tried to prove to him how much we loved him but he never believed us. I guess he never did because he was so busy being mean he always thought we were being kind with a plot. His mental illness finally took a toll on ALL 5 of us when he started needing 24 hour care. We ALL agreed to put him in a Nursing Home not too far from where he lived. Two months later at the age of 86 he passed away during the night with not one of his kids by his side. Sounds cruel ? No it wasn't. You see we all took turns visiting him at least 4 to 5 times per week to check on him, spend several hours with him, eat with him, put cigarettes in his mouth and lit them even though he could barely hold them in his mouth. He was demanding up until his death.When he died someone had just been with him the evening before his death. Apparently the Nursing Home when we told them Hospice was called, they quit taking care of him for some reason. I never saw a Hospice person in his room when I visited. When our Mother died we had 24 hour Hospice and were all there when she breathed her last breath because she showed signs of dying. Our Daddy took a turn for the worst. I think myself he had a massive stroke and it killed him in his sleep. Of course since he was so old, no one at the nursing home or Doctor did an autopsy on him . It was like no big deal. I guess it wasn't after all. I know how you feel. God is still healing all of us from our past. GOD IS GOOD !
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol