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Um.

It may be just my over-twitchy antennae, Pam, but I just wondered. Do you spend an awful lot of time worrying what your siblings will think?
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My brother and sister that lives here are the POA's. We take care of all his financial stuff already but never without him knowing what we are doing.
Checking with the tax guy is worth checking into, I'll run that by the siblings, thanks!
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Does anyone have a durable POA for dad? If he's still making decisions about spending money and he has the POA on his bank and broker accounts, don't ask him. This is where the decision making ability is lost and he does not have the ability to make a decision about hiring needed healthcare help.

If you get an order from the doctor for an aide to help with dressing, this *may* be a tax deductible expense. Talk to your tax advisor to find out exactly what is needed and tell the doc exactly the documentation needed. Keep the doctor's prescription in the tax records along with receipts for the assistance for the end of the tax year. Dad will be happier if it's doctor ordered AND "anything out of pocket is tax deductible." With the POA on the checks, dad need not ever see the bill.
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pam, I get where you're coming from. I set limits on what I would do when I moved in. I was totally uncomfortable with personal things like toileting, bathing, and dressing. I still am and won't do these things. Those things will have to be left up to professionals. I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling this way. We give so much already. We have to draw lines somewhere about what we are willing to do.
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Then i think you have your answer - dad pays for assistance getting dressed. I felt the same way about helping my dad - i just couldn't do dressing, bathing, or incontinence. I got a lot of grief about it from others but you have to feel comfortable. No guilt.
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Pam, my Dad was the same way about spending money as he was the child of the Great Depression.

Once Dad needed to move into Assisted Living/Memory Care, the facility would get him showered and dress prior to breakfast, this was part of his rent. Dad was paying around $5k a month and that included everything. Prices do vary from area to area.

Eventually I had slowed down the visits as Dad needed to get use to the routines at Assisted Living. I use to go daily, then 3 times a weeks, then down to once a week for a half hour or so.

We need to learn not to enable a parent once they are in Assisted Living, and let the facility do their job.
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Thank you all for your responses. Let me answer some of your questions.
There is money available to pay for the cost of additional care. His money would run out in a couple years but then the state would take over. He wouldn't have to leave his apartment.
The family is ok with spending the extra $. We haven't talked to Dad about it yet, he won't like spending more money.
I do not and would not want any money to take care of him. Getting paid would not make me feel like doing it. And if I did want to be paid, my siblings would hate me.
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So, Pam, what I see as the downside of this is that you are tied down from here on in to being at a particular place twice a day for as long as it takes for dad to ablution and dress. In my experience, that can be a l//o//n//g time. It means you can't do things as spontaneously with friends. You can't decide to go out of town on a whim. Is that what is getting you down?

Would it make a difference in your perspective if you were getting paid to do this? Would it make a difference to your siblings?
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And don't feel guilty. Really don't. Either do it, or don't do it. But don't feel guilty about deciding what's right for you. Hugs.
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I'm a bit torn, Pam.

The obvious answer is that you don't need a reason not to want to provide personal care to your father. You're his daughter, not his nurse. If you don't want to, you don't want to. End of.

But... You'd be surprised what you can get used to, you know. And it isn't that I think you should feel in any way obliged to provide care. It's more that this could - *could* - potentially be a human connection with your father you wouldn't want to have missed, when you look back on it.

So: have you tried and thought "ohmygod this is hideous I am never doing this ever again", or has your heart just sunk at the thought of trying?

You mustn't do anything you don't want to. But don't, either, be afraid to give it a go.
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Can dad afford the additional fees? Will that seriously put him at risk of outliving his money? Or will it just cut into possible inheritance? Why is the family reluctant to pay for what he needs, out of his own funds?
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It's hard to see our parents aging, and even harder to have to be hands-on involved in their care that requires personal contact that you're not accustomed to. Dressing, toileting, feeding - all very difficult emotionally.

It may be time to sit all your siblings down for a family meeting about Dad. Explain that you are not comfortable performing these personal chores for Dad, and something needs to be worked out to pay the AL's additional fee for the increased help he needs. There is no reason why you should have to do this if you are not comfortable with it. Not everyone is cut out to do that and there's nothing wrong with that - don't let anyone guilt you into doing this if you're not comfortable with it.
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